My Little Kingdom: The Key to Harmony
Chapter 1: Arrival
“Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia!”
A grey coated Pegasus, clad in golden armor, charged down the hallway of Canterlot Castle. The sunlight shone through the stain glass windows streaming a mix of pink, purple and more into the hallway, not that the Pegasus had time to admire the décor as he ran towards a large door. He almost burst through the doorway until he realized who was on the other side, he quickly regained his composure and gave the door three hard taps.
“You may enter” the bright white alicorn said, she gave a look to the guard who entered the room, bowing down to her as he approached the throne.
“Your Highness, it has happened again. There are more reports of strange, black, bulbous creatures with yellow eyes attempting to attack anypony that comes across them.” Princess Celestia stood up and walked down to the gold clad Pegasus.
“What is your name?”
“Wingbeat, your majesty.” The guard said as he bowed down to her again. Celestia smiled as she looked down to him, taking note of drops of sweat coming off of his snout as he panted quietly, clearly seeing how he must have ran to her in a panic.
“Well then Wingbeat, have the guards found out any more information on these strange creatures?” Wingbeat looked up at the princess and nodded.
“Yes ma’am, we already knew that they have the strange ability to become flat shadows and travel along the ground, this allows them to escape most attacks but by the reports that we have obtained, we have a theory that they never move on their own. They seem to send out two or three at first and then more start appearing while the ones attacking are distracted.” Celestia nodded in understanding then turned her gaze to the doorway in which Wingbeat had entered.
“I wish you to send this information to the all guards and my sister so that they are aware of the situation, there have been no attacks on the populace as of yet so please make sure that the guards are the only ones who know. We do not wish to panic any civilians over this if it does not affect them.” Wingbeat stood high and nodded, giving a salute before making his way through the hallway once more while the alicorn closed the door behind him. She made her way to the window and gazed out of it, looking as far as she could through the mulberry tinted glass before letting out a sigh.
“I wish I knew what was happening…I don’t want to alarm Twilight and her friends unless it’s necessary, but I have a bad feeling that things will get worse before they get better.”
XXX
Goofy was looking round at the lanes between, admiring it after realizing that him and his friends were the one of very few that would ever see it. He suddenly snapped back to reality however as another argument between his two friends had broken out while he was off in his own little world. “Awww come on Donald, I promise you I won’t crash it” the boy spoke out, his spiky brown hair was being held back from the ships controls by a white, feathered hand.
“That’s what you said last time, then we crashed into an ocean and the village nearby thought we was aliens!” Donald quacked at him, his blue hat flapped around as he struggled to keep the young boy at bay. Goofy chuckled to himself as he brought back the memory
“Hyuck, well you know Donald, they were technologically right.”
“It’s technically Goofy! Not technologically.” Donald yelled at him, only to get a laugh as a response from both Sora and Goofy.
As Sora tried to get to the ship controls he spotted the next destination a little ahead of the gummi ship “Uhhh Donald? You should probably take a-“ the duck raised an eyebrow at Sora before shaking his head while giggling, interrupting him mid sentence.
“A break? No, no, no Sora, I’m not going to fall for an excuse as simple as that.” Goofy followed Sora’s eyes and gulped before poking Donald on his shoulder.
“Errr Donald, I don’t think that was what he meant.” Donald looked at Goofy confused and frowned at him a little.
“Oh? Then what did he mea-“ Donald was interrupted this time by Sora who grabbed his head and turned it to face ahead, Donald’s eyes widened and his pupils shrank as he saw the incoming planet. His feathered hands shot to the controls as he practically slapped the buttons and grabbed the wheel.
“Hold on!” he quacked as he spun the wheel, not giving Sora any time to hold himself to his seat and barrelled around the cockpit of the ship, trying to get his black gloved hands on anything he could just to stop moving but unfortunately for him, there was nothing to grab onto and just kept rolling around.
“Sorry Sora!” Donald yelled back to him “but you’re going to have find something to grab onto soon because I can’t keep the gummi ship steady, you two better brace yourselves because we’re gonna craaaaaaaa-“ Donald never finished his sentence as sounds of him, Goofy and Sora screaming came from the cockpit while plummeting into the new world.
XXX
Twilight knocked on the cottage door while shifting the saddlebags on her sides, looking around as her ears were filled with the usual cacophony of noise that came with all the animals but this didn't bother Twilight at all, the sounds of all the animals just meant that they were playful and happy. The sound of a creak caused her attention to pan back to the now opened door where two big blue eyes and a flowing pink mane that lay beside a gentle smile on a butter yellow face looked back at her.
“Hi Twilight, thank you for coming round when I asked, it wasn't too much trouble was it?” the yellow Pegasus asked her while moving away from the doorway so the lavender unicorn could enter, her voice barely above a whisper compared to the sound of the animals surrounding her home.
“Of course it wasn't Fluttershy.” Twilight smiled, entering the small cottage that was inhabited with animals. It wasn't as large a group as outside but there were still plenty of them, some seemed to be bandaged while others ate herb filled food excepted from a certain white bunny who had hopped up onto Fluttershy’s head.
“So Fluttershy, why did you need me to come round, you mentioned something about an odd discovery?” Twilight asked. Fluttershy nodded her head slightly.
“Yes that’s right, I was in the Everfree forest to get a few herbs to make some more medicine. You see Mrs hedgehog was starting to feel a bit better and I thought that she would make a recovery before the medicine ran out bu-“
“Fluttershy…” She looked back at Twilight and shook her head.
“Oh right, well when I was in the forest I saw this strange looking animal.” Twilight tilted her head, she knew that Fluttershy had knowledge of every animal that lived in the Everfree forest so for her to say there was something new in there did nothing but confuse the unicorn.
“Ok then…what did this animal look like?” Twilight asked. Fluttershy put a hoof to her chin while recalling the odd creature.
“Well…it looked like a pitch black bunny but the ears were thinner, they looked a bit like antenna, they stood on their back legs whenever they moved as well as claws but they didn't use them when moving, they had big spherical heads and shocking yellow eyes…they were about two thirds the size of their heads.” Twilight tried to imagine the ‘bunny’ in her head and compared it to all the animals she ever read about…she drew a blank.
“Hmm, I've never heard of that sort of animal before, can you show me where you found it?” Fluttershy nodded and got up, heading towards the door with Twilight following. She gave a nod to Angel who understood that he had to look after the house in her absence.
Twilight was lead into the forest by Fluttershy, finding it a little backwards to be led by the shy Pegasus into the forest known to be filled with dangerous animals, as she looked around the forest to spot the strange bunny creature her head turned skywards and she saw something so strange it made her stop in her tracks. A star, a star was up in the sky during the middle of the day.
“Twilight?” Her friends voice brought her attention back to the ground. “I’m sorry Twilight, this is where I saw them but I can’t see any of them now.” Fluttershy said as she pawed the ground, she felt as if she had led her friend on a wild goose chase but she looked up to Twilight and saw her smiling.
“It’s ok Fluttershy, I’m a bit more concerned about the star in broad daylight.” Twilight said as she looked up and her mouth hung open. The star was no longer high in the sky as it had been a few moments ago, it was falling towards them, the two ponies looked up at the light with wide eyes and frightened expressions.
“RUN!” Twilight shouted pointlessly as they had both already started to gallop away, they got a little away from their previous position before hearing a loud boom and feeling the ground quake under their hooves, they stopped in place and turned to the direction of the noise. Twilight looked straight at the direction, seeing smoke rise above the tree line and started to take a few steps towards it.
“Fluttershy, go get the girls. I’m going to go see what that was.” Fluttershy backed away a few steps.
“Are you sure Twilight? It could be dangerous.” Twilight nodded.
“Yes I’m sure.” She had already started to wander into the foliage with the feeling of curiosity covering over the fear from before, the pegasus took flight and headed to Ponyville. Twilight kept going towards the landing site and felt a little fearful when she heard a strange moan coming from ahead
“Urrrrgh...” Sweat dripped from her head and she gulped heavily, the moaning getting louder the closer she got.
“Urrrrrrgh...”
She found a cleared area with a large object sticking out of the ground, whatever it was, it looked like half of it was stuck in the ground while the half that was out of the ground had two large angled plates sticking out of the side. She couldn't help think they looked like some kind of wings but her attention was snapped away when the clear half sphere in the center of the object opened up, releasing a bellow of smoke, then Twilight saw a shadow appearing in the smoke along with the moan again.
“Urrrrrgh...” She stepped back and then it came out, a rusty brown earth pony with a spiky, chocolate brown mane fell out and landed in front of her. He opened his eyes just for a moment to say.
“Urrrrgh, I think I’m going to be sick…” before closing his eyes once again, passing out.
seems interesting, I love KH and I love MLP, you got a loyal reader of me
Oi, kid. That right there needs to be changed. It completely disrupts the flow of the story. Separate it into 2 individual sentences.
As for the story itself, seems good. I'll add to fav's and give a thumbs up.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_lazy.png
Sweet never seen or thought about a kindom hearts story,Nice work and keep working magic my friend!
This story needs major grammatical correction. For starters, each line of dialogue gets put on its own line.
"Even if it's not-"
"Yes, Fluttershy," Twilight interrupted. "Even if it's not a complete sentence."
"Oh. O-okay..."
Also, Donald's a little OOC. More pugnacious, less intelligible pls.
Stated like a true sir... Which Dolan is not.
"I'm not fawwing for that twick again, Sohwa! Waa-aaahblhblhblh!"(or however you spell his freakout noise)
(Unless you want to let readers imagine Donald's squawk themselves.)
I don't dislike this... yet. I suggest getting a proofreader to make your story easier to read.
1395835 I see what you mean and I did wonder about the speech but a lot of stories I've read haven't done that so I'm going to leave it how it is for now, however if more people make the same comment then I will change to that style of dialogue and as for the grammar I would have to agree, especially Donald's line that you mentioned, though in my defense, I did imagine him wagging his finger at Sora as he said it. Thank's for your comment though, if other things come up during the story them I'll be more than happy to accept critisms.
You know what this needs? Good spacing so I can understand the dialog easier. Other then that it's pretty good.
I have a question. Is this KH1 Sora or KH2 Sora?
DAMMIT DONALD! YOU HAD ONE JOB!!
1401868 yeah sorry, but to me it's really just a wall of text. No one really wants to read that. I'd consider changing that soon, but so far it's fantastic.
1432989 Its clearly kh2 sora since it was mentioned his gloves are black. In the first one they were white. (Correct me if im wrong)
this should be "technically right"
Also
please for the love of Celestia put a comma or something in between "situation" and "but". It's a run on sentence and it disrupts the flow immensely
Edit: forget the first part of this comment, but please fix the dialogue so that each time someone different speaks, they are separated into a new paragraph.