A whisky man
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Hello! Have a review. I apologise for the lateness: partly down to Covid, partly down to disorganisation. Doomed love makes for a good story and using a salt circle was nice. The purple prose is turned up to eleven, though, and in the end I think it got in the way of the actual story a little.
Here's your New Blood Contest feedback!
In my judgement, this was the most interesting story in the contest purely on the weight of its premise: a spell spun to win over a princess nearly destroys the world, and spawns its direst villain.
The writing is technically near-perfect. The only (potential) mistake I found is this:
Wouldn't 'peeled' be the word here?
Anyway, mistakes aren't the real concern here - what gets me is the faux-archaic style, particularly in the first half with all the dialog. For example:
"Thou shalt their aid hath"? Unfortunately, this calls to mind less 'queen of medieval scolars' and more 'shakespearean yoda'. There's a lot more like this - mostly less conspicuous, but it's there.
Once we get beyond this, though, it's brilliant. The tragedy of hubris is a tale as old as time for good reason, but this takes it one step further by giving the fool just enough willpower, just enough restraint, to stay his gaze from the kingdom of the pony of his dreams. Even in predictable, embarassing, ruinous defeat, he's got some honor left.
Speaking of the pony of his dreams...
You know, for some reason I never realized what this line meant until now. Previously I thought he was infatuated with Luna. Well, that does add additional depth to the story, as it means Luna's admonishing is protectiveness rather than... playing hard to get?
Yes, that wouldn't be quite as thematic.
Really good work overall, especially for such a short story. I'm glad you wrote this and contributed to our little contest, and I'm very much hoping to see more from you in the future.