Ok, I promised myself I was going to read this entire story the way through, and to get down all my critique I have decided to write it down as the chapters comes along, Or else I wont be able to remember it... ... Yes, Warning, Shitstorm incomming. And I am going to be evil and nitpicky. That is the true face of a reviewer, and I expect no mercy in return. I will see you in Valhal. First to third Chapter: Characters... My, Sweet Celestia, you speak so little about them. You give them perhaps a tad bit of description, A small part of Lyra´s thoughts, but no way near enough. They feel more like cardboard cutouts, who read out the flash cards in front of a sitcom, rather than actual characters. The Action... MOTHER OF FAUST is this booring. And It feels so damn tame. No, I dont mean the things that happen, Oh no, Those are fine, and its of course a bit harsh with dying, and all these things, But its just not near way explained enough! The Scenery and the actions within them, are flying by as if I am on a helicopter. I dont feel like I am standing near Lyra and hearing her thoughts or her perils, or seeing how she is in trouble, Its moer as if she is going "i was out walking and then I died".... It does not feel Engaging. And the time... DISCORDS ARMPIT! This story handles time like an anemetic handles fragile Crystal Balls... Very carefully until it suddenly decided to crash. Really? You decide to just Jump ahead SIX months, and then just defend it with "Oh he has to learn hear stuff". and My personal favourite. "I still missed showers, and I missed Bon-Bon. She must be sick with worry." Which brings be straight to my other complaint, Lyra Does not seem to give less of a shit, about being turned into a vampire... Her last words before dying was "Tell Bon Bon I love her!" and then six months later, when she is asked if she thinks she is ready to get into ponyville, she responds with: "I nodded, thinking on how good it would be to see Bon-Bon again; all the others too." REALLY!? This is not someone who have been, Murered, Brought back to life, forced to Drink blood, changed into a mysterious predator, forced away from everything she knows and loves for six Discord´s balls saken Months... This is like she was slightly inconvenienced at the icecream parlor... EMOTIONS ARE YOUR FRIEND LYRA.exe I know you´re writing Emotions in, but they just dont feel engaging! They are given so little time, and so little, consideration, along with the actions, that they just fly past. We arent even given the time to consider the scene before we shift on to the next agenda.
*Breathes out*
Ok, this is hard for me to read all of this, but I will persevere. And do not get me wrong, I can see that you´re trying, and I must even say your writing style does seem to convey a tad more emotion when it comes to the clop department, but really. I feel like there is a long way ahead. And as I said in the start, thats just my emotions speaking here. Its very possible that you, In perhaps a vengeful moment will read what I have written and write just as long a shitstorm as this. But know this, I am trying to bring this up because I can see glimmers of briliance here. I want to see this go in the right direction, but to do that, I end up being harsh. Hey, maybe I just end up looking like an inconsiderate Plotface, because I havent finished reading yet. I hope and pray to Luna that things are only going upwards from here.
And A last Sorry from me, I will try to continue to read on. -Thunder Quill.
And now I feel like a Complete dick for not realizing that this is an old story of yours and that you most certainly have moved on and I have just been ranting on the past. Sorry...
Sorry Lyra, you're bucked
Ok, I promised myself I was going to read this entire story the way through, and to get down all my critique I have decided to write it down as the chapters comes along, Or else I wont be able to remember it...
...
Yes, Warning, Shitstorm incomming. And I am going to be evil and nitpicky. That is the true face of a reviewer, and I expect no mercy in return. I will see you in Valhal.
First to third Chapter:
Characters... My, Sweet Celestia, you speak so little about them. You give them perhaps a tad bit of description, A small part of Lyra´s thoughts, but no way near enough. They feel more like cardboard cutouts, who read out the flash cards in front of a sitcom, rather than actual characters.
The Action... MOTHER OF FAUST is this booring. And It feels so damn tame. No, I dont mean the things that happen, Oh no, Those are fine, and its of course a bit harsh with dying, and all these things, But its just not near way explained enough! The Scenery and the actions within them, are flying by as if I am on a helicopter. I dont feel like I am standing near Lyra and hearing her thoughts or her perils, or seeing how she is in trouble, Its moer as if she is going "i was out walking and then I died".... It does not feel Engaging.
And the time... DISCORDS ARMPIT! This story handles time like an anemetic handles fragile Crystal Balls... Very carefully until it suddenly decided to crash. Really? You decide to just Jump ahead SIX months, and then just defend it with "Oh he has to learn hear stuff". and My personal favourite. "I still missed showers, and I missed Bon-Bon. She must be sick with worry."
Which brings be straight to my other complaint, Lyra Does not seem to give less of a shit, about being turned into a vampire... Her last words before dying was "Tell Bon Bon I love her!" and then six months later, when she is asked if she thinks she is ready to get into ponyville, she responds with: "I nodded, thinking on how good it would be to see Bon-Bon again; all the others too."
REALLY!? This is not someone who have been, Murered, Brought back to life, forced to Drink blood, changed into a mysterious predator, forced away from everything she knows and loves for six Discord´s balls saken Months... This is like she was slightly inconvenienced at the icecream parlor... EMOTIONS ARE YOUR FRIEND LYRA.exe
I know you´re writing Emotions in, but they just dont feel engaging! They are given so little time, and so little, consideration, along with the actions, that they just fly past. We arent even given the time to consider the scene before we shift on to the next agenda.
*Breathes out*
Ok, this is hard for me to read all of this, but I will persevere.
And do not get me wrong, I can see that you´re trying, and I must even say your writing style does seem to convey a tad more emotion when it comes to the clop department, but really. I feel like there is a long way ahead.
And as I said in the start, thats just my emotions speaking here. Its very possible that you, In perhaps a vengeful moment will read what I have written and write just as long a shitstorm as this. But know this, I am trying to bring this up because I can see glimmers of briliance here. I want to see this go in the right direction, but to do that, I end up being harsh.
Hey, maybe I just end up looking like an inconsiderate Plotface, because I havent finished reading yet. I hope and pray to Luna that things are only going upwards from here.
And A last Sorry from me, I will try to continue to read on.
-Thunder Quill.
And now I feel like a Complete dick for not realizing that this is an old story of yours and that you most certainly have moved on and I have just been ranting on the past. Sorry...
A bottle of the Apple Family private reserve cider was also added to the mix, the alcohol content was enough make it explosive it treated right.
Did you mean if treated right?