happytime27
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Oh, it's you! Congratz on your first story here!
Haha thanks.
This is your official review for the Furry Foray Festival Contest!
I've tried to be as objective as possible, but of course there are limits. I've tried to avoid being biased or arbitrary as much as I can, and hopefully I've succeeded at least somewhat. The full, final results will be announced on May 4th, and winners will be contacted shortly afterward to ask how they would like to accept their prizes. When readings these comments, please keep in mind that I know I'm often overly critical -- to the point where I can always find nitpicks even with the greatest works of literature. So don't take anything personally!
Notes:
-
the sun was setting on another beautiful day in the wild plains or OregonWell, at least we know that the sun was setting on one of those places... Or maybe both? It's not clear if this is an exclusive or inclusive 'or'.-
and Spirits mateNeeds more apostrophe.- A unique choice, pairing the quadrupeds Spirit and Rain with an anthro pony.
- This version of Alphabittle seems to have only a passing resemblance to the one we've seen in canon. Mostly just name and color scheme.
-
almost identical to the large metal machine she had been a prisoner on before she was rescued by Spirit.A) Just call it a train, lol. B) But Rain was never a prisoner on a train ... unless you're referring to some additional adventures not in the movie?-
His muscle cock spurted forcefully into herMaybe it's a typo ... but I wouldn't put it past this fic to give his muscles a cock of their own, lol.-
After walking for some time and learning of their new surroundings, including the fact that they can both speak like humans do now, they finally run into someone from this new world.Uh... More like they immediately run into someone from this new world!- Well, I guess this fic will have an appeal to people who enjoy this muscle and musk fetish taken to extremes. But for the rest of us, whoo... Not much else to go on here! It's just 100% pure fetish in this story!
Scores:
Provocativeness: 20
Progression: 75
Payoff: 75
Pacing: 40
Personality: 10
Prose: 41
Total: 261
For more information on what these scores mean, see the scoring rubric.
11551835
thank you, first ever story so I'll take the suggestions. And believe me I know it's highly fetishized haha, only way I could find the motivation to write it!