SapphireSpark
Joined 17th Oct, 2019 ·
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No comments yet? People missed a decently written fic!
Good job.
11524263
Thank you for liking it!
But yeah XD
I would love to hear people's thoughts on it because this is literally my first fic XD
And to know if anyone wants other misadventures to happen~
11524959
Well, for some feedback, I like the premise of Sapphire failing but still inadvertently bringing about peace. With some comedic timing and prose it could have been made more amusing
We don't hear much about Sapphire's backstory; Nightmare hints she had troubles controlling her lust; a good opportunity to add more depth
Few if any grammatical errors so you've got that going for you
The mind control/break is written a little rushed; didn't explain Sapphire's internal conflict as much as it could have. I'd say the gold Standard is Corruption of Ponyville by Fascinus. The best mind break fics kind of go through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - because the character is in a sense mourning the loss of their former self.
Feel free to check out my fics for some inspiration as well.
11525853
Thank you for the input!
I am glad that I didn't make many mistakes XD
I think adding more depth and explaining Sapphire's weakness to lust would have been a good idea!
Though for the mind control/break part she doesn't go through the stages because she actually doesn't completely break. She still had a spark of resistance hidden within her despite everything. It needed to be removed by force and that's what Nightmare Moon did by altering her mind.
Nightmare exploited Sapphire's immense joy from being railed by casting a spell that permanently remade her mind when she gave in to her lustful cravings, rendering her obedient through magical might.
11526033
Well then more context/exposition would have been good to describe that. Notice how Ebonyglow is always very clear about how the spells in his fics work, and he gives them fun little gimmicks to keep the reader's interest.
11526695
I agree.
I should have put something before Nightmare used her magic to explain how she was going to make Sapphire a true slave, thus giving context and a description of how the spell works.
¿Entonces es un final bueno? ¿O es un final malo?
11528231
Sapphire no pudo proteger a Equestria y ahora les sirve. Ahora Daybreaker y Nightmare Moon intentarán conquistarlo todo. No son los más amables de los ponis.
(Traductor de Google, no hablo español, lo siento si esta respuesta no tiene sentido)
11528354
Entonces es un final malo. Aunque al final triunfó el amor
11530207
¡Correcto! El amor triunfó entre Daybreaker y Nightmare Moon, pero siguen siendo gobernantes malvados y autoritarios.
(Google translate)
Aw, they should have switched off positions in Sapphire at the end there. Mingling sperm with your sister inside the body of the lust-broken slave who brought the two of you together is probably as legally binding as two signatures on a document. I think?
11551623
Ooooh~
I definitely agree~
11551623
I have made some changes to the last part~
I do hope you and everyone enjoys them!
It was too hot not to add that XD
It's a nice fantasy, but I think adding in some magic that increases sensitivity or such would make Sapphire's breakdown make much more sense than Daybreaker's dick being just that debilitatingly and corruptingly pleasurable on its own. Maybe a potion or an old enchantment on the collar, since a spell for that obviously wouldn't jive with her combat magic spec