Red On White

This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm

Comments ( 4 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 4
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #1 · Dec 29th, 2022 · · · A Romp in the Snow - 1 ·

Yakutia

Don't you mean Yakyakistan?

BTDFilly

BTDFilly #2 · Dec 29th, 2022 · · · A Romp in the Snow - 1 ·

11462376
Nah, it's a fandom meme. Yakutia is a region in Russia with very cute snow horses, and there's a lot of FiM fan art of them.

Merallakos

Merallakos #3 · Apr 9th, 2023 · · · A Romp in the Snow - 1 ·

Salty Caramel lay on the snow, looking through a pair of binoculars at a point where the road crested a distant hill, the furthest point she could see of the road from the vantage point she had selected, giving a strategic view of the road for about three miles. Beside her lay her sister-wife Mint Chip, who she could already tell was bored to tears at the reconnaissance mission they were set on before she even opened her muzzle.

I tried a bit a stylistic twist on the opening paragraph, though I feel like I might've lost Caramel's tone:

Salty Caramel lay on the snow, looking through a pair of binoculars at the point where the road crested a hill about three miles away. Beside her lay her sister-wife Mint Chip--she could already tell was bored to tears even before she opened her muzzle.

“That’s true, you could sleep until we have visual, if you want” And with that, Mint was out like a light.
[paragraph break]
Caramel wasn’t sure if that was just an inherent skill of Mint's or a modification Chunk had made, but regardless she wanted it; the nightmares plagued her terribly. Still, she believed it would inconvenience Chunk to request it, so she wouldn’t.

Caramel set down her binoculars for a minute to rest her eyes and looked over to Mint, who it seemed was already hock deep in one of her Chunk dreams, her hips bucking erratically under the blanket

I think you are describing an SFM pony clipping into the terrain. Now might also be a good time to mention the fact that Mint is a tiny filly. "Her small body convulsing rhythmically under the blanket."

“We are waiting for a caravan moving items of vital importance to Master Chunk. You were there when he explained this to us this morning.” Both of these mares, well, mare and filly,

I was very confused about which one was the mare and which was the filly first read through.
[qoute]were sister-wives to a rather peculiar stallion by the name of Chocolate Chunk, who using a series of runes carved into the flesh (a process of which the less said the better [mind magic]), and old fashioned cult indoctrination had acquired a harem of unquestionably loyal and horny mares. Stripped of their names, a hearty portion of their memories, and most of their free will, these mares served both the purpose of companionship and brutal tools with which to achieve his various ends, such as now. Chunk’s conditioning meant that for the most part they were to address him with a deferential title, Caramel chose master but others could be used.

Daddy ChunkI must admit that the set up for this line pretty good. I laughed.

All of her memories before Chunk were hazy and difficult to recall with any certainty. ... sometimes she could feel them in the periphery of her mind but they slipped like oil when she tried to bring them into focus. This was a consternating game of cat and mouse to play inside one’s own head, and lent itself to migraines.

This paragraph is what made me keep reading! Quality prose!

Finally, as the sun began to set

And immediately began to unset to ensure that Caramel and Mint would have enough time to bury the bodies before they realize they only have two hours before it goes down for real this time

Finally, as the sun began to set Caramel saw their prize. A large wagon with two hefty looking earth ponies pulling it, four other ponies trotted beside it in the ridiculously oversized coats mainlanders needed to withstand these temperatures.

Good stuff!
[qoute]...bardingI did not know this word. Granted I guess I read horse fic, so maybe I should...

[qoute]...none of the group were unicorns, count blessings, but...I can't tell if this is a typo.

can’t have them flying away to be witnesses[period.”
[Paragraph break]
Chip silently nodded at this plan, she rather disliked Caramel, as she disliked any competition for Chunk’s attention, but couldn't deny [Caramel] had a better mind for tactics than [herself].

“I want meat.” Mint intoned emotionlessly.
“You always want meat, hun, the rest of us don’t like it all that much.”

100! Also this is the first and last time Caramel says "hun" and I don't like it.

Once Caramel was within about a mile, she saw one of the guards point a hoof at her and turn back to say something to the traders.

Traders? What? I need some more description before you can just casually mention the "traders!" Are they also wearing barbing? Are they different from the guards? Are they soldiers too? Are they mainlanders or territorials? (I'm assuming a Territorial is the opposite of a mainlander.)

“Ma’am, what’s wrong, are you okay?”
[paragraph break]
Sweet Sun Wolf he lo--

And the rest of the combat is kind of meh, IMO. I did appreciate Caramel's acting though! That was kind of interesting.

Snow Ponies:blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaivb8ZdQVNHduSqyVHzQKM9j0QnAQ1iO8S3LAV4ihJQ7CqxOWn3xw-_Xr1QOnV_MSDcMVj3clDwTI3V3Xg8NzfFusZeYH14bPNACc2rdeYLHcIMf2CfiJJk324G3N4VGo2Rclrubg5bzuscTP_gekZJ4W2MeQ0hDQEbuvDO7O5gdgzS-2QNqd_BTzYA/s1280/large.png
"FrostFlakes" TheBatFang

preview.redd.it/2xrhk1chy8ea1.png?width=960&crop=smart&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=67da701c0fadf76c4d970c33e409092da6b114e3
Manebooru upload

derpicdn.net/img/2018/8/16/1808746/large.png
manebooru Suramii

i.pinimg.com/736x/0f/e2/59/0fe2592d38dd1f86fff2fbe4eeb6d715--siberia-fight-for.jpg
Yakutian Horses. One Fight For The Lady's Heart in Yakutia, Russia's Serbia [photos] eyakutia.com? Log. 12???

horsetalk.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Yakutian-indigenous.jpg
Everything You wanted to Know About Yakutian Horses But Were Afraid to Ask A N. Ilyin

pbs.twimg.com/media/E-oy1h5VcAAqWeU?format=jpg&name=4096x4096
Snow Shoes by LayerZero Labs

Random 4chan thread about snow ponies.

Merallakos

Merallakos #4 · Apr 9th, 2023 · · · That Sinking Feeling - 2 ·

Some mares got a lot out of their Chunk time. Caramel thought it was a little silly to be cleaning while actively dripping something else onto the floor, but to each their own.

I daresay some mares are still getting a lot out of their chunk time.
Ew.

You should go back and read the first chapter aloud. I bet that you'll catch quite a few things.
Every paragraph.
Every sentence.
If you want someone to edit, I am interested.

Overall, I'd say this is intriguing.

I felt like the premise is kind of what sells this fic. I can't understate that in the first chapter: Salt Caramel's expositon, the pacing of each piece of disturbed referral to Cho-Chunk, mingled with the tundral environs and immediate murdering? It was engaging. It's a morbid intrigue that draws me in. The creeping curiosity of just how this sisterwife shebang is operating. Just so long as it can tastefully restrain on being too horny. If it gets erotically explicit, I will be overwhelmed and horrified and probably cease to harbor it in my memory. Ack.

I am most curious about what Cho-chunk is doing, and for why. Also, I was expecting him to some big, burly stallion, but I'd rather say it'd be quite sophisticated if he was right and dapper seeming. Maybe wears glasses, perhaps? Slender build, unassuming features and soft eyes.

Viewing 1 - 50 of 4
- Newest First
- Oldest First

BTDFilly

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

BTDFilly

Also LikedSimilarAuthor

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Also Liked Similar Author