Chapter One: First Meeting
First Draft
Darkwing slid the blade against his left foreleg, hoping this time the emotional pain would lose to the physical pain. Alas, it did not, nor did it ever. He watched the blood drop to the floor, along with the knife he had held in his mouth. He held his tears, feeling that they'd never stop once they started, like last time.
The black pegasis put his red boots back on, hiding his newborn scar so as not to stand out. He always wore the boots, along with a black raincoat, because both seemed like the thing any rain pegasi would wear. As he slipped the coat on, he noted his raindrop cutie mark. Cutie mark, he thought, What a stupid thing to call a tear drop.
Darkwing felt invisible in the darkness of the alley he "lived" in. He wasn't all that poor, though. His job payed for his food and the makeshift home that was more a shed than a building. He had no heating, running water, electricity or plumbing, but he figured it's better than living in a box, like that poor earth pony who died of dysentery last month. Most of the town arrived at the funeral, but no pony really remembered him the next day. He figured it only proves how cruel the world is.
Not to many ponies know the story of Darkwing. All they know is he works on making the rain. What they'll never know is Darkwing has a sad past. When he was just a colt, his parents went out with him on a little vacation to Manehatten. No one has ever fully told Darkwing what happened to his parents; all that his semi-abusive aunt would tell him was that "it was just an accident," and to, "never speak of it". She then would insult out of anger until he cried and ran to his room. He suspected they were killed by a mugger, lIke Batstallion.
Darkwing left the alley to get something to eat. Starving yourself is a horribly painful way to die, he mused. He walked around his hometown of Ponyville, searching for someplace with decent food. He eventually stopped for a grass burger at some random restaurant he stumbled upon. As he sat eating, he eyed with envy the happy ponies that passed him by. Families, friends, siblings, couples and the like. He often wondered what his life would be like if his parents were alive. He'd kill for the warm feeling of a mother's love, or a father's lesson. Hell, a sibling rivalry would be the lottery to him.
After his costly lunch (6 bits for a freaking burger?!), Darkwing had nothing better to do than to convince himself life's worth living. He was about to cheer up when he came across Bunny Bridge, the tallest bridge in Equestria, located just outside of Ponyville. Now, Darkwing has from time to time jumped from tall buildings, and ended up chickening out and flying each time (to everypony else he looked like a crazy daredevil). But the dark, sinister voice in his head told him there's no way to chicken out of jumping into the Ponyville river, right? Darkwing closed his eyes as he neared what he silently hoped was his eternal salvation.
Darkwing quietly said to himself, "Do it. Do it, coward!" He opened his eyes, and a faint, sad smile appeared as he bent his knees and prepared for the hundred foot drop.
"Sir! Are you alright?" Darkwing quickly looked to his right for the soft voice to see a yellow pegasis with a pink mane coming his way. Yellow, a cheerful color he thought to himself. This'll be fun.
"Go away!" he yelled at the unknown mare. "This doesn't concern you! I want to be by myself in my final seconds."
The mare stopped about twenty yards away and said,"Final seconds? Oh my! You're not going to jump, are you?"
"No, I'm here to enjoy the view of the river," he stated sarcastically. When he saw the mare put on a confused look, he added seriously, "Of course I'm jumping. Why wouldn't I? I don't know love, I'm on my own living in a piece of sh*t with little money, and no one cares! Every pony remembers who raises the moon and sun, who makes the rainbows, but none ever stop to wonder who makes the rain, or even how!"
"You can't jump!" the pegasis, surprisingly to both, shouted. "I can help you," she added quietly.
"Help!" Darkwing laughed. "You can help by getting the hell outta here! You couldn't do anything to change how I see the world."
The mare approached the stallion until she was only about two yards away. Darkwing was about to protest the unwanted closeness when the yellow pegasis interrupted, "My name's Fluttershy. What's yours? If you don't mind me asking."
Darkwing was quiet for a few moments. Then, almost out of nowhere, he stepped away from the ledge and closer to Fluttershy. He'd never been this close to the opposite non-related gender. It was... nice, like he was supposed to be there at that very moment. "D-Darkwing." he responded softly. "My name's Darkwing."
And at that moment, Darkwing knew that he'd someday repay that pink-maned pegasis for saving his life.
I plan on continuing this story provided that people enjoy my writing. Like I've said in the author's note, this will NOT end with any form of a clopfic. In fact, I absolutely hate clopfics and most shipping, so don't plan on any. I'm mostly writing this to take up more space so I can quickly publish this for all to see so I can decide if this is right for me. Please comment your opinion, whether it be positive or not. And if you could, please feel free to give tips. Thank you for your time reading my story and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Yours truly, Kyky.
Emo ponies and Fluttershy is a combination that's nearly universally reviled. This one does show promise though. No obvious spelling errors and decently paced for a short chapter. Tread lightly, but good so far.
Wow. I was expecting this to be yet another wall of text filled with heaps after heaps of grammar-related errors.
But you proved me wrong. This was enjoyable, a great start, well worth reading.
One simple thing. Pegasus, not pegasis. You got the pegasi (plural) right, though. I think.
Even though I'm not such a huge fan of OC stories, I think yours is worth a good ol' thumbs-up.
And I'm not sure what program(s) you use to write, but I'd recommend of at least trying a grammar-checker of some kind. They always come in handy. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But some day.
All right, let's start from the beginning.
Whoa, slow down fella. Any pony name that has words associated with "dark" or "blade" or "blood" or whatever in it are generally looked down upon in the fandom, as they usually hint towards a Mary-Sue. Also such names are generally not very fitting in the bright, happy MLP fandom.
Again, slow down a bit. This is another overused cliché that runs rampant across this site and quite frankly it stops making an impact after being repeated so many times.
This is the third cliché in this story and a very malplaced one. Let's face it, how many depressed ponies exist on the show? Exactly. This is another thing the fandom absolutely loathes at this point.
Okay, so it's a Fluttershy/OC fic. Guess what, the fandom dislikes OC/Mane 6 stories too.
And that was just the introduction.
Now to the story:
First of all, ponies rarely even wear clothes. Secondly, black and red on your OC are another Mary-Sue warning bell and should be avoided at all costs.
And yet another cliché point for hating everything...
...And another one.
Your grammar is good, and I'm sure you tried your best... But god damn it son, you just nailed every cliché and Mary-Sue mark that exists on this site, with the exception of your OC being an Alicorn and having red stripes. Try looking around on this site for popular stories with well-made OCs and examine how they built them up. Until then, I can't guarantee you many green thumbs.
Thanks for the comments! I may not be good at this (I am ntot really a romance guy, and I'm also only 14), but I'll try my best and try to get the chapters flowing. But I DO have school and other things, so I'd check back maybe every other day.
1331602 Sorry to hear that. I'm usually one for the darker type stories, and I kinda thought it'd be good to incorporate my own character instead of an existing one. I may quit this down the line.
uumm...do you know darkwing? by any chance?
1332231 is he a real person or character? I just came up with the name...
1333052 he wrote my little caboose, blue is magic
soo yeah, he IS real
Oh man, a Darkwing Duck crossover!
Ugh... maybe not...
Oh look, it's the two most used colors in existence... or at least for OCs...
Wait, what other weather Pegasus wears that stuff?
Oh lawdy, I can't wait to hear the reason why it's a tear drop. Seriously, aren't they supposed to be about defining point in a pony's life that showed them the good in life or their use?
Oh, you might notice there's not much to review yet. Well, that's because the story's actually written well so far. But just because a story is written well doesn't mean it has to be good. Let's continue shall we?
Actually, I'm petty sure Equestria is supposed to be loving. You're making this seem more like a normal sob story than a My Little Pony fic. Just by making the characters ponies and setting in the world of FIM doesn't make it a fanfiction. It has to have that feeling, or soul, of MLP:FIM
Should be "Not too many ponies"
Well, judging from how he looks I'd say they would suspect something.
While I guess that it's not as bad as some sob stories out there, the abusive relative thing is old. But really, don't feel bad, I mean it's real old. Like I can name a few classic stories that all have that stuff. It seems kind of rushed and not that sad though. At least not for the extent of how depressed he is. I'm just going to say you're blowing it up.
Also, what's going on with that "lIke" there?
Says the person that cuts himself.
I don't know why, but I like that sentence...
Which is mentioned where in the series? Let me go google it...
..yep, never mentioned.
Why would he have to jump off of something? Couldn't he just fly up and free fall to Splatsville?
Holy shit, didn't he just try to convince himself life was worth living?
Umm, I feel as if Fluttershy is somewhat out of character. I'm sure if someone yelled at her she would be more upset than just saying "Oh my".
Pegasus.
Oh my... That's... just pathetic... And what do you mean by close? Emotionally or physically? I can understand the emotional part, but not the physical.
Also, why is he all of a sudden not angry? What did Fluttershy do?
Once again, what did she do?
All in all, it's not horribly written, but the premise is done to death and the character is stale as a thirty year old fuck.
Love, Madcat
Sorry I've been gone! My Internet was down, but I'm back. Sorry some of you don't like this story, I'm not one for romance. This was just something random from the top of my head, and is mostly just a practice.