Everyone was staring at me. Their laughter seeped into my ears, making me shudder. It had started as a pretty good day for a guy whose life is filled with misery and pain. Today, though, I decided to start straightening out my life. I went "You know what? I want to start making a better life for myself."
Boy, did I screw up that idea. I had gone through half of my classes and the day was half way down but, now it was lunch. It was Pizza Day at school. To make it even better, it was my favorite day of the week, Friday. I went to my solitary corner and ate there alone, as usual. I had a hard time keeping friends; it never really worked out well and I had a hard time finding people with the same interests. When I did though, it usually didn't last very long. I used to have a friend named Dave Wills and his family was filthy rich. We swam in their pool, played in his basketball court, and had video game marathons; it was the life. His parents had been worrying about my family and me, so they had written my dad a check for $4000. A typical guy would be "This means the world to me. I don't know how to thank you for this." or "God bless you.” My dad, however, is not typical.
When presented with the check, my dad flipped out and started yelling at them. He was telling them how rude it was for them to think we needed financial help. He was insulted by their hand out and tore the check in half, slamming the door on them. After that, I never saw Dave again. I had not had a single, true friendship in a long time. It was easier now to be alone, especially since I had lost my faith in humanity.
I was finishing my pizza when it started to rain. The forecast showed a very high percentage chance of rain during the whole week, but I didn't care, I loved the rain. Something had caught my eye, there was a girl with a jet black rain coat on and had long blue hair that looked like the night sky. I thought "I have never seen her here before."
Unfortunately, my staring at her was noticed by Seth, the school bully. "Hey Ronny, checking out that girl, I see."
My body shuddered when he had made his comment, and to make it worse, my face started blushing.
"Shut up Seth."
"You gonna call your parents to help you. Oh that's right they would be you up for me."
"Okay, very funny."
"No it's not funny, I'm sorry; your right, I'll stop," he said with the most annoying, sarcastic voice he could, while chucking a school lunch milk at me. Which got me drenched even more than the rain had already done.
He ran over and grabbed my back pack. Pushing me out of the way while trying to stop him. He then proceeded to dump all my stuff into the trash can.
I got up clenching my fists and said, "I mean it."
"Oh, we got a bad ass over here."
"I'm not going to take your B.S. today."
"Oh really, what are you gonna do about it?"
"Just knock it off."
"Or what?"
I jumped at him and threw a punch, but it was a complete miss. He came down with his elbow on my spine; it felt like your shins getting hit with a baseball bat, which hurts like crazy. His group of cronies came over and picked me up, carrying me over to the quad. They tossed me on the ground and one of them kicked me in the chest, which knocked the wind out of me. After holding on to my freshly bruised chest for a few moments, I opened my eyes to see a crowd forming. Seth was waiting there and had a nice little present for me; He emptied a trash can all over me. I really should have just taken Seth's abusive comments, because this is much worse. I "had" to stand up and pick a fight with him. I just "had" to be that one kid who would go "Enough is enough."
Laughter was all around me; I just about had had enough of it when Seth said, "Aww, poor guy, do you need any help?"
After hearing that, I just lost it. I jumped up, socking Seth right in the chin. I came back with another swing, punching him right on the side of his face. I then kicked him onto the ground. Sitting down on his chest, I rapidly punched his face, going back and forth. I continued this for a few moments before some teachers pulled me off of him and carried me away. I saw Seth cringing on the ground as I was being directed to the office. In a way, I felt good for beating up Seth, but I also felt bad. I don't why I would feel bad for doing that to somebody like Seth because he is a huge jerk. I still felt bad though for having to stoop down to his level, I guess. I had a long talk with the principle before I had to apologize for beating up Seth. To make it worse, I had to apologize to his parents as well. He had to apologize to me, which was music to my ears. After it was all done, I had to wait for my ride, a police officer. One cop was called about the ordeal and was going to take me home after he questioned Seth and me. Once we were done, we were finally off. He didn't go straight home at first; he drove me to Greasies, the greatest burger place on earth. He got out of the car and told me to come on in. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up, where my knuckles were bleeding from how bruised they got due too so much punching. I cleaned up and went back to the cop to see an order of cheese burgers, fries, and milkshakes on the table. I thought he had ordered two meals for himself, but I sat across from him in the booth anyways.
"That's a lot of food," I said.
"It's not all for me. Dig in."
"Really? Even after what I did?"
"What you did was standing up to him. Even though it wasn't the best decision to fight him, it was well justified."
"But..."
"It's okay, just eat."
We brought up in conversation about what his job was like and how he had a troubled past as a kid. We even talked about our favorite video games. We both liked Rock Star games: RDR, LA Noire, GTA. When we were done, we got back into the car and drove towards my house.
My parents had learned about what happened to me and my dad was waiting as the cop car dropped me off at home. He drove off saying, "Good luck kid, remember you are the master of who you are."
"Thank you, and by the way, what's your name?"
"It's Roy!"
He waved out the window as he went around the corner. I walked inside to see my dad waiting there for me. After I had received a whiping from his belt, he went off to the bar to get a drink. I knew that I would be alone by myself until mom got back from vacationing in Vegas. I went to the bathroom and took off my shirt to check where on my back I was bleeding from the whips I had received. I took a shower to get myself clean and the wounds on my back stung from the water hitting them. When I was done I started to play some Fall of Cybertron to get my mind off of things. It didn't work, so I just sat on my bed, deep in thought. Out of nowhere, I was hit by a huge wall of emotions. I burst into tears, not being able to contain myself. I could not believe what I had been through: all the bullying, being a social outcast, abusive parents, the lack of friends for most of my life, and the bad grades at school. I was trying to remember any good times I may have had. The only good times I thought of were the time I had spent with my very few actual friends. Nothing good had come out of my life so I decided to end it all.
I pulled my dad's snub nose out of his dresser and went into the corner of the living room. I loaded the gun and put the barrel into position. I could taste cold metal and sulfur at the roof of my mouth. I was shaking but steadily pulling on the trigger, when fate came knocking on my door, literally. There were three clear knocks on the door. I took the gun out of my mouth and hid it just in case it was dad coming in. Nothing happened, so I waited about a minute and walked over to the door. I opened it revealing a scroll on the front door mat. Puzzled, I picked it up and unfurled to see what it said.
"It is time to come home, brother."
"WHAT!!!!????!?!?!"
I look up out the window and across the street and there is the same girl that I saw at school. I stood there, puzzled, and then all of a sudden I felt a huge wave of energy hit me and then......blackness.
I had strange dreams of me floating in the clouds. I would fly across the sky at amazing speeds and I felt like I could go on forever. The strangest part of the dream was the voices.
"Come on Celestia, it's time you get some rest."
"No Luna I'll be fine, I need to stay here with him".
"Come on sis, you've been here by his side since he first arrived. You need rest."
"I said no Luna!!!"
"Come on Tia, look at your self. You are distraught with worry and, have not left his bed side in 24 hours since he arrived. You need rest."
"But Luna..."
"I know you care much for him, as do I. Celestia please, you must relax."
"LUNA I HAVE TO BE HERE!!!"
The loud shout had filled my dream with intensity. It was getting unbearably quite until the voices started talking again. "Sorry Tia I..."
"No it's not okay, I should not have raised my voice."
"Celestia it's okay I'll leave you be. Will you at least come have some breakfast with me in the morning. You need to take a breather, for your sake."
"Alright I will. See you in the morning."
"Night sis."
The dream had become suddenly still and quite, and slow dissipated to nothing. I slowly opened my eyes. "Hi boring old ceiling," I said. I took me a few moments to realize the room I was in wasn't mine. I also had a strange sensation in my feet as I tried to wiggle my toes. Absolutely nothing happened, so I started panicking. I moved out my arms from under the sheets to discover gray fur all the way down and hooves where my hands should be. My arms and legs started feeling weaker and I felt a weird movement on my back. I looked behind me to see wings. I jumped out of bed and fell flat on my face. I realized "Oh yeah I have an extra set of legs, remember." I was slowly getting up and my back legs had slid underneath me, making me land on my back. I attempted one more time to get up, only to fail again. This time I slowly got up and got up into position and slowly started walking. The hooves were really sensitive to every step, it was a tickling and painful sensation at the same time. I walked over to a mirror on the other side of the room. I looked into the mirror and saw myself. I have a dark blue mane with a white streak going down the middle and a tail that matched. I have giant wings on my back, which I was hoping was just my imagination when I first saw them about a minute ago. I also have a have a horn coming out of my forehead. My eyes grew bigger than saucers and my heart started to beat erratically. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I ran around the room frantically, spazzing everywhere. Two guards run in and ask "Prince Eclipse, are you all right?”
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
I crash through them to get out of the room. I started running in a random direction that I picked. I have never seen this place before and I didn't care; I just wanted to get out of there. As I picked up speed, I realized I started to go up in the air. I look to see the wings on my back flapping. My wings stopped almost instantly when I looked at them and I started to plummet. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"
Two ponies were enjoying a nice breakfast in the room below me until I came "flying" in.
"Guards alert us when Eclipse awakes."
"Yes Princess Celestia," both guards said in unison.
"Oh, Luna I can't wait to see him."
"As am I, sis."
"Luna do you hear that noise?"
"Yes, in a matter of fact. What do you suppose that is Tia?"
"I don't know Luna."
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"
"Tia, look out!!!!!"
I had crashed right into their nice set-up that they were having for breakfast.
"Oh my, are you all right?"
"AAAAHHhhh..... Whatever, I give up."
"Give up what.... Wait, Luna is this...?"
"Yes it is, Celestia."
"Oh, Luna, I don't think I could have waited any longer for him to wake up. It's been killing me to see him ever since he got home. Plus, that breakfast was not effectively keeping me occupied."
"Wait, what's going on?"
The white rainbow-maned pony gives me a huge hug. "Welcome home Eclipse".
"Who are you and where am I?"
"Soon, my brother, everything will be answered."
"I'm your brother?"
"Yes,” spoke Celestia.
"No, that can't be right," I said as my mind expanded with questions and worry.
I looked at the other one and said, "The dark haired one looked like the girl that I saw at my school."
"All will be explained, come with us for there is much to talk about," spoke the blue haired pony known as Luna.
Absolutely LOVE the story, except for the fact that the school bully has the same name as me, lol.
Holy junk...this fanfic is sexy
8th or 9th time I've seen that picture used as cover art. Yesh, that must be popular.
Sonuvabich! Well I guess someone finally wrote it before my lazy ass...
Anyway, really good start.
Definitely want more
pretty damned intriguing, just need some clean-up grammar work.
The summary was all I needed to read.
t.qkme.me/35oqwt.jpg
I'm out.
1322991
Second time by the same writer, too.
Check the profile page.
Not a bad start. Definately looking forward to more
A great storyline, a mediocre execution. Something I noticed consistently was this:
"Shut up Seth".
"Oh we got a bad ass over here".
"I'm not going to take your B.S. today".
"OH really what you gonna do".
"Just knock it off".
"Or what"?
Speech mark: "
"Hi there!"
Quotation mark: '
Yes. 'Advice'. That's what this is called.
See the difference? I'm really bad at explaining stuff.
images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/10/4/128991649687606467.jpg
Can't wait to see more of this.
Yes you can.
Oh, I guess your right.
Anyone get the reference?
But in all seriousness keep up the good work.
1323311 It's one of the asdf movies, of course!
...Throw The CHEEEEEEEESE!!!!!
1323325
Alien attack
Throw the CHEEEEESE!!!
30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lva9l9a8Qx1r09zs6o1_500.gif
This premise... it pleases me immensely.
Please, do carry on.
"Teenage protagonist's every day life is hell. Suddenly, they are transported to Equestria, become an alicorn and (presumably) save the day from returning antagonist. Oh yes, and the protagonist's name matches the writer's username." (no, mr. writer, changing your username doesn't fix things)
1323372
"Teenage protaganist's every day life is hell."
Story of my life
1323437
Story of the author's life.
Hm. Well, this is a bit... Meh.
I just had to read the description.
Well, this is definitely something I've NEVER read before. Nope, can't remember the other two dozen times I've seen this. Bye.
lol depressing nerd.
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/2187822469248781769216847.gif?1320350270
Enough said
find out he is a pony... screams
but that big of a reaction i did not expect
1323478
Then in am similiar to him
interesting
My only gripe is that this seems to be going down the road of your character is the only good human and all other humans are evil/bastards please don't go down that road I really don't want to have to thumbs down you
Both a train wreck and a brilliant ride. Fix the numerous spelling errors, brush up on your grammatical abilities, and this story could be the next Griffin the Griffin.
The only reason I'm not rating this is because it utilizes the same pitfalls that I know turn people off from my one of my own HiE stories.
This story is so close to being another bad story.
You need to keep in mind that he was about to shot himself and had cried 20 minutes ago,PLEASE dont forget that!
Dont make him just be fine when he goes to equestria, At the end of the day he is sill a very traumatized child with social problems.
Just givin an opinion, It CAN be a great story...But can easily fall into the trap like so many others...Dont be one of them,
How in the world did this get featured?
I mean, don't get me wrong, it is far from being genuinely bad, but it is fairly average. The grammar could use a big upgrade, the story-telling itself is rather plain, both the dialogue and the progress don't flow naturally and seem extremely forced and hurried. I don't know, it could be you have great plans for the future chapters and were in the hurry to get the "boring" part over with, but it could use a lot of improvement.
Also, something funny you've been doing... take this sentence for example:
"Oh my are you all right"?
Why are you putting the question mark, or any other marks for that matter, AFTER the quotation marks? I have never seen anyone doing that in my life.
Keep on trying! I'm going to keep an eye on this one. For now, I won't rate it.
This is everything my 2 fics make fun of.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/036/290/grammarnaziinvalidargument.jpg
The fact that this got featured jibbers my flibbers.
Well. This has been used god knows how many times; I'm intrested to see if someone can actually pull it off.
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My grammar nazi head is smoking. Seriously, not only has this been done over a dozen times (probably, I'm not looking for stories like these), but also you use the same name for the main character as you use for your username, leading me to find this a self-insert. Alicorn self-insert. I'm surprised this got featured. I'll read on to see if this story can get better. Another thing, SLOW DOWN. The story itself feels rushed (because it is).
1323956 I can only hope that you are a creature made of hate and sin, so the Orbital Friendship Cannon will flay you where you stand.
The story is good, I like the idea, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. The grammar Nazi part of my personality is acting up, needs some polish and a proofreader. Other than that... HAVE AT EM'!
"When we were done, we got back into the car and drove towards my car."
you might wanna double check before you post so these things don't happen. Otherwise, great story
Dude I am with you 100%. I would freak the fuck out,then i would shit bricks!
What I like - Non-brony/someone from a universe without MLP gets transported to Equestria and is related to the princesses, may have always been.
What I don't like: EVERYTHING ELSE.
Namely:
1) Aww, boo hoo, someone's leading a moderately bad teenage life, welp, time to end it all.
2) Alicorn OC. ...again. Why? Because fuck originality, that's why!
3) Bad pacing.
4) The flow was choppy at best.
5) (and this is by far that most grievous offense) Horrible fucking grammar! Holy hell that was atrocious.
static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/+_bc1dd7ccce25d0c4ac4b9957b264cb18.jpg
An alicorn oc self-insert fic got featured? What is this I don't even... Unless it's exceptional (which the thumb ratio doesn't indicate), this sort of story should never be featured. What happened here?
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
No.
No.
No.
1323878
Far from being genuinely bad?
I could go on all day talking about why this is terrible, but I really don't want to waste that much of my time so I'll try and keep it short.
-Zero originality points! Teenager's life sucks, he goes to Equestria and becomes a pony. Becoming an Alicorn really doesn't help.
-Pacing. Too fast! Slow down and take in the view, and describe some thoughts and feelings.
-Punctuation. Did you even go to school? There are dozens of places where commas and other marks are needed, but completely forgotten. You add in periods, exclamations and question marks after you close the dialogue for fuck's sake!
-Descriptions? Lacking to completely omitted. You could really benefit from reading this blog post. It's not entertaining to read I did this, then I did this. This happened because of this, unless there is a point to it.
-Dialogue (if you can even call it that!) is terrible. You write like you characters can express themselves only through speech, having no emotions or expressions. Robots? Nay, just terrible writing. Add in some tones, facial expressions, body language, etc.
-Characterization. There isn't any. Everyone is just a cardboard cut out of what they're meant to be.
My final advice? Get rid of this and start again. Get it pre-read by someone who knows what they're doing and take their advice. I am actually at a loss as to how something can be this abysmal, not to mention being able to reach the feature box.
...Unless it's a troll fic. If that's the case then I have only one thing to say to you:
Seriously?
Thumb. Fucking. Down.
-Sparklight
This is very promising, but IMHO, I feel this could use a slight re-write, just to make everything flow more smoothly.
Premise is WAY overused, but hey, I'm interested.
Ponies are NEVER worth visiting....
You'll just get annoyed by pinkie, and on top of that, a rainbow-colored attention-whore () will "try" to make you jealous...
Pony-ville is worst town...
The grammar is pretty off, but other then that, this is a pretty good story. Keep 'em coming!
1324038 overreaction much?
It's not THAT bad, sure it's not an original idea, but..
you know what I got nothing.
still, I think you're overreacting.
It's a good fic, just fix your grammar. Like when Celestia said, "Luna do you hear that noise". It should be, "Luna, do you hear that noise?"
The fact this got featured really jimmies my rustles.
1323372 The way it is written kinda sucks as well
Very good so far, keep going!!!
I'm flabbergasted as to why this would get featured. From the writings so far I have perceived a typical alicorn self-insert pity story. Not exactly the greatest, although it did indeed pique my interest.
Carry on, good sir!
P.s. Please consider checking the story with a dictionary/spelling check/thesaurus, the mistakes are simply awful!
1324038
Excuse me, sir, but you seem to have lost this, I am hereby returning it to you:
No.
This should never have been featured.