5- The Best Laid Plans
Celestia shifted the ice pack off her head and levitated a large textbook over to me. Then she levitated over a bar of gold.
"You've been doing okay so far," she said as she replaced the ice pack, "but now comes the practical application. Today, we will be covering enchantment. Some ponies like it. A few even thrive, achieving things only possible in dreams. Most just find out why I drink myself into a stupor every night: life can be unforgiving and very, very stressful."
I took a swig from my glass of water, "Mmm…. Sounds like fun. If I can survive Probability and Statistics One, I'm sure I can handle whatever you throw at me, sunbutt."
Celestia smiled coyly, "Let's see how long your enthusiasm lasts. Tell me about the properties of gold."
"It's a pretty soft metal, and shiny, used as a currency backer for-"
"Tell me about the magical properties of gold," Celestia cut me off.
I rolled my eyes, "It holds enchantments relatively well. For a metal, that is."
"And?"
"And what?"
Celestia sighed, "What's its drain ratio? Capacity per weight? Input and output of mana? Starswirl coefficient?"
Slowly, I lifted the glass of water to my lips, taking a sip while staring at Celestia.
"Well, Phasma?"
I continued to sip.
".... Did you do any of the homework I gave you?"
I answered the stupid question with a particularly loud slurp. It would have been better if I could maximize the noise using a straw, but the ponies didn't have plastic, let alone straws.
"Can you at least make a guess?!" Celestia groaned.
It wasn't my fault she had a hangover and I didn't. She only had herself to blame when it came to her drinking addiction.
"I am so going to enjoy watching as that smirk slips from your face, Phasma. Fine then, if you won't tell me the answers, you will show me. Place a basic levitation enchantment on the bar."
I set the glass down with a satisfied sigh. I did, in fact, know the answers. I managed to do some light skimming of her assigned readings last night while she was shotgunning several cans of beer like a college frat boy. Partying never interested me, which was funny because I was secretly looking forward to whatever Celestia had planned for my 'birthday party' she was holding later today.
I placed the brick of almost pure gold before me and began the process of magically scrubbing it of any lingering mana. Celestia watched with one eye while using the other to steal the jug of ice water from the other side of the room. I laid down the basic template for drawing in mana, purifying it, and channeling it as Celestia poured herself a glass of water.
The enchantment for levitation was easy enough. The whole thing fit together like a puzzle. Or, more accurately, like code.
As I realized that, a dark sense of foreboding sent a chill down my spine.
"Done? Let's see the results. Pull out the blocker and activate the enchantment."
I stared down at the bar, triple checking my work. I already knew the result of this little experiment before it began. Failing to spot any failures, I nullified the border enchantment section on the input, letting the whole enchantment activate.
The bar didn't budge an inch.
Celestia grinned as I checked over the working enchantment. Nothing was out of place. Groaning, I wiped the enchantment and did it all again. Again, I made no mistakes and it didn't activate.
Celestia's smile widened even more.
As I stared at the stationary gold bar, watching the magical process for any change, the entire gold bar suddenly lifted off the ground and started spinning slowly. I had misplaced the exact location of the enchantment, but that didn't matter. What did matter was that I did nothing different and it was working this time.
"Son of a bitch, it is coding!" I yelled.
“Coding?”
I sighed, “Yeah. Something from Earth. This is… like a language system.”
“That’s one way of thinking about it,” Celestia nodded slowly. “It is a very modular, highly intricate system of connections and relationships between countless types of magic. Most of my students draw a connection to a living body, with its many constituent parts working in tandem. But sure, a language.”
“Are there more than one ways to enchant something?” I asked. “That is, different systems of enchanting?”
“... There are runes, but those are old and rather outdated,” Celestia admitted. “Perhaps more modular and less interconnected, they are bulkier and a bit harder to use than standard enchanting.”
I tapped the gold bar, spinning it, “Maybe those would be closer to coding. Building a living thing, huh?”
“Quite. It took you two tries, but you did complete an enchantment,” Celestia pointed out. “Congratulations.”
“What’s next?”
Celestia chuckled, “Now I want you to enchant the bar with a basic defensive spell. We’ll choose a simplistic version of one of the standard issue strengthening enchantments found on all Royal Guard armor.”
Celestia levitated over a piece of paper for me to look over. It was a spell matrix for what seemed like a cross between a shield spell and something more… passive. It was certainly a type of spell that I had never seen before.
“... Oh, I see,” I muttered quietly. “I have to somehow enchant the entire gold bar with this spell, not just one point?”
She clapped her hooves together, “That’s right! The answer to how that’s possible is in the homework that you definitely did. So it should be easy.”
“Yeah,” I said, scratching my chin.
“I think I’ll let you take this task home with you. Err… back to your room? It’s more homework.”
“Why are you assigning me homework, Celestia?” I groaned. “You know I don’t have time for this.”
“Consider it a helpful lesson in statecraft. You’re going to have to find time for tasks.”
I rolled my eyes, “This again? I’m not doing it, Celestia. I understand the value of homework, but I don’t have any time for it. If I shirk my duties, people could get hurt. It’s. Not. Happening.”
Celestia huffed and crossed her forelegs, “.... Fine, fine. You’re right. Things are too hectic and dangerous for such frivolities. Just… try to work on it if you can. If not… Mare, this could take a while.”
“Thank you,” I sighed, glad to not have to fight her on this.
“I suppose that wraps your lessons up for the day. Just a reminder, you and Luna are up for this Saturday’s therapy session. Next week will be all three of us.”
“Joy.”
“You could at least pretend to be excited. After all, it’s not every day that you have your every inner fear exposed and meticulously picked apart by a professional. You don’t have any nobles to do that for you.”
“Yet you see the need to fill up that oh-so-crucial gap in my schedule. Thank you for that, Celestia.”
“My pleasure,” she smiled. “Oh, one more thing. Your party is tonight.”
“Yay,” I said in a plain, sarcastic tone.
“You’ll like it, I promise. I have outsourced some of the planning to one of the Elements of Harmony. All six will be there, of course. It’s imperative that we all bond tightly. I understand that you’ve been combative with them in the past?”
I shrugged, “Getting along with them wasn’t the highest priority. I’m fine with them coming, thanks for asking.”
“You’re going to have fun whether you like it or not. I don’t know if you have realized this, Phasma, but you are in the land of friendship. Your participation is not optional.”
The rest of the day had been filled with meetings and paperwork.
There were a hundred and one Equestrian organizations and divisions of the government that needed cooperation with the Fifth Hive. Everything from officializing the use of medical aid to contracting out the need for engineers for the Crystal Caves’ reconstruction. While there were changelings within the Fifth Hive that were more than qualified for the work, they never had to work under the intense scrutiny and engineering requirements that a modern society dictated as necessary.
The last thing I needed was a cave-in that was caused by inexperienced builders. These engineers could prepare for the worst-case scenarios and stresses– and back up these models with proof of concepts.
That was just one of the countless ways that the Fifth Hive was beginning to work with ponies. What we could do in-house, we did. What we could not, we reached out to forge relationships, both platonic and business.
There was also the matter of Coxa’s Operation Paperclip: the formalization of the divisions and bureaus within the Fifth Hive. While we could not focus any meaningful attention on the matter, we could at least get the ball rolling. So dozens of even more meetings had been thrown onto my work schedule.
By the time dinner had rolled around, I found myself greedily chugging ice water. I had been talking extensively all day. All week, in fact.
Luna had shown up to my desk in her office in the Palace with a grin on her face.
“Phasmaaaaa!” She cheered, pulling me out of my chair.
“Lunaaaaaa!” I cheered back, stumbling as my hooves caught up with the rest of my body. “What are you trying to do, wrench my foreleg out of its socket?!”
“It is time for fun to be had, cakes to eat, and candles to blow out!”
“Right, my party,” I said, still being pulled by Luna. “I can walk, you know!”
“We’re in the gardens! My sister has set up a warming field so that we might enjoy the autumn colors. Hurry up, Phasma!”
“They won’t be going anywhere! Slow down, Luna, you’re acting like a schoolgirl!”
She huffed, slowed down, and let go of me, “You are acting like a geriatric old stallion! This shall be the first proper party I have been invited to in a thousand years! And given your disposition and propensity to not make friends, it will be the only party you will attend in the next thousand years!"
"Heh, you do realize that it is my party we're going to, right?"
"That makes it all the more sad," Luna giggled.
I gasped, "Wha–?! I'm not even invited to your parties?!"
"Nay, you are too much of a bore!"
When we arrived, I found that a golden bubble loomed over the hedges that marked out several of the sections of the Palace’s garden. Colorful streamers hung across the hedges and between the branches of trees. Several braziers had been placed around the main clearing, lighting up the space. Milling around the tables and chairs, everyone that I had come to call friends had arrived: Coxa, Lacewing, Thorax, Celestia, Cadance, Bray Call, Quick Search, Sanguine, and several changelings of the Fifth Hive’s upper command were all talking to each other, enjoying the night. The Elements of Harmony, who I didn’t know well enough to call friends, had dispersed themselves across the little get-together.
Also, Shining Armor was there.
Stepping through this barrier, the cold of autumn was banished and replaced with the warmth of summer. The quiet of the night was also gone, replaced with the quiet conversations and laughter of the partygoers.
“Paging Dr. Boy, Dr. Birthday Boy!” I cheered as Luna and I entered the bubble.
“Phasma!” Several of them cheered.
Lacewing darted over to give me a hug, while many of the others gravitated over to Luna and I.
“Hey losers, how’s it going?” I asked them.
“Terrible, now that you're here,” Coxa playfully punched my shoulder.
“The stallion of the hour is here,” Celestia beamed. “I hope you find everything to your liking. I had a bit of help when it came to party planning,” she winked and nodded to Pinkie Pie.
The pink earth pony smiled and waved from her spot across the party.
“Thanks for this, Celestia,” I said.
“Happy not-birthday!” Bray and Search cheered.
A paper party-horn smacked me in the face as Lacewing blew it right next to me.
“To think,” she said, “just a year ago, you were crawling your way out of an egg, freshly arrived beyond the comprehensible edges of reality! Wow, seems just like yesterday!”
“Congrats on your un-death, Phas!” Thorax giggled.
“Do changelings even celebrate their birthdays?” I asked. “I don’t remember anyone talking about it back in the Fourth.”
“Oh yeah,” Coxa shrugged, “any reason to get drunk. You never got invited because… Well, you were the Prince. How could anyone even approach that subject?”
Everyone else took their turn greeting me. After the initial hellos were over, the big group split back up into several smaller circles and conversations. Bray, Search, and I caught up with each other on how everyone was doing. While Bray and I were meeting daily thanks to her position as my aide, Quick Search had been placed within the Swarm. While that meant that he became friends with Captain Katydid and the rest of the commanders, he was rather isolated from the pair of us.
“Now, it’s not like I never saw any other ponies,” he explained as he grabbed a cupcake to snack on. “Quite the opposite. Since I was a pony– am a pony, last I checked– and since I get along with changelings, I’m kinda acting as one of the liaisons between the Royal Guards and the Red Right Hoof. Nopony listens to me when I try to explain that I only knew you, Phasma, when you were disguised as a pony. In everypony’s eyes, I’m a friend of changelings in general. So I get stuck with helping with disputes, coordinating training, and bringing both ponies and changelings up to speed with each others’ tactics. Gets me out of morning PT, so I’m not complaining.”
“I’m glad you’re finding your place,” Bray beamed. “How are you enjoying Canterlot?”
He shrugged, “At least I have the changelings to shake up the status quo. This place reeked of pompous trash before it was burned to the… ground. Uh, anyways. You’re the one dealing with the nobles and aristocracy, right? How are things up in the lofty throne room?”
“I get horncramps from writing so much, so I’ve been switching to writing with my hooves,” Bray said. “It’s very different from keeping the peace… I went from enforcing laws to watching them being written before my eyes. It’s honestly very humbling. Phas keeps things interesting, though.”
“Is that so?” Search eyed me.
“Celestia’s toddlers– I mean, the honorable and noble gentry of Canterlot– have been trying to impress their will upon me,” I explained to Search. “The ones that approach me directly are easy to deal with. It’s the ones going behind our backs that are the real issue. Still, these rats will chew their way into any well-defended position, legally speaking."
"I find that making sweeping generalizations about anypony is rather unbecoming, darling."
"Hello, Rarity." I turned to introduce the Element to my friends, "This here is Bray Call and Quick Search, my new aide and the first pony in the changeling Swarm, respectively."
"Charmed," Rarity smiled and bumped hooves with the two of them.
"Thanks for saving Equestria," Bray greeted her.
"Thrice, but who's counting?" Rarity chuckled.
Search nodded, "I can't imagine what this place would be like if Nightmare Moon was in charge. Or if Daybreaker remained in charge…"
"Don't forget about Discord,” Rarity added.
“Ah– mm– eeehh, maybe we should forget about Discord,” I quickly threw in. “For no reason in particular.”
Rarity giggled and ran a hoof through her mane, “Oh, you know I am just joking, King Phasma! Everypony understands why you did what you did; it was a bold move to save Equestria! It may become one of your most famous gambits, to be told throughout the ages! Or rather, strategy rather than gambit, if the history books are particularly favorable towards you… It’s the other things you’ve done that are… hard to forget.”
I stared at her, any smile I had long since disappeared.
“... Right. Apologies, King Phasma,” Rarity coughed behind a hoof. “Not to completely derail the conversation topic, but Twilight told me something about your past that I’m particularly interested in.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Go ahead.”
“Well, you see, darling, Twilight told me that your previous world had clothes. A lot of clothes. Everypony wore clothes. All. The. Time. As a fashion designer myself, I couldn’t help but, ah….”
“Salivate?” I prompted.
“Eheh,” she blushed, “something like that… at the idea of such constant displays of art and culture.”
“Sorry to disappoint, but most clothing was far away from three-piece suits and elaborate dresses,” I shrugged.
“Oh, don’t dismiss such things so quickly! I’m sure even the most mundane clothes could offer a literal world of difference! If you’d please, I would be beside myself to hear the tales of your world!”
“You have fun with that, Phasma,” Bray patted me on the shoulder. “I’m gonna go take a leak.”
“... How refined of you,” I heard Rarity whisper.
“Right. Me too,” Search said.
The two ponies split off in different directions, leaving me alone with Rarity.
‘Bastards.’
Thorax clutched the tall glass of water in front of him like a life preserver. Fluttershy silently folded a fallen leaf as Applejack crossed her forelegs in disbelief.
“Now that just don’t make a lick of sense,” Applejack shook her head. “If this Hive of yours was so full of trickery, how’d King Phasma get away with conning away an entire army from Queen Chrysalis?! Wouldn’t some changeling, you know, double-cross the double-crosser? Triple-cross? No, quad-ro-cross?!”
“Some tried,” Thorax said quietly. “But you have to remember, Phas was the Prince. The second in command. Most lings didn’t get to speak with Chrysalis directly. The ones who could… had to be discouraged immediately.”
“How’d y’all do that?”
Thorax found the orange leaves of a faraway tree very interesting all of a sudden.
“... You know.”
Applejack snorted, “Can’t say I do. ‘S why I asked.”
‘Oh Panar, someling come and save me!’
Thorax grimaced, “... Some had their loyalty bought.”
“I thought the changelings didn’t have money,” Fluttershy said.
Thorax smiled, “No. The currency in the Hive was favors, trinkets, duties, and so on.”
“And the others?” Applejack pressed.
‘Phas never said…. but that doesn’t mean I don’t know. You can’t get rid of that many changelings without leaving a trail. The persistent lings– as well as the lings that could easily slip into Chrysalis’s throne room… Phas had friends in low places. Very low places…’
“You wouldn’t like the answer,” Thorax sighed.
Applejack frowned, “... I didn’t think I would. Sorry if I’m putting you on the spot, Prince Thorax. It’s just… if y’all are going to be Equestria’s friends, shouldn’t we know each other’s secrets?”
Thorax double-checked their emotions. Both Fluttershy and Applejack were relaxed, offering samples of happiness. Underneath that sample, Thorax teased out the taste of fear. They were worried.
Thorax frowned, “Uh… I guess?”
“I know you’re a good pony– err, changeling. So just be honest with us, and I’ll be honest with you.”
“That does sound nice,” Thorax admitted. “Okay. But you can’t tell anyone else.”
“I won’t tell anypony else,” Fluttershy promised.
“I can’t make that promise,” Applejack shook her head. “Besides. The Princesses have already pardoned King Phasma for… killing a pony. How bad could this be?”
Fluttershy shivered and ducked behind her mane.
Thorax winced, “... Five changelings found their way into the recycling vats.”
“Five?” Applejack repeated. “... I expected more if I’m bein’ honest. Not that any number other than a big ol’ pie is good, mind you!”
“Five friends. Five stories, hopes, dreams…” Fluttershy whispered.
‘And those five were just when I was in the Hive. Who knows how many there were after I was banished…’
Thorax decided to keep that fact hidden for now, instead choosing to reflect on everything, “... We’ve all seen some horrible things lately.”
“But it’s all behind us,” Applejack said. “No more of that nonsense… I’ll tell the Princesses ‘n Twi about this. But honestly? I don’t think the Princesses will care. Not in any meaningful way.”
Applejack tapped on the table between them, propping herself up with the other foreleg.
“... That therapist of Phasma’s has got her work cut out for her. Or him. Whoever they are.”
“You have to remember that this was all after Phas found his brothers and sisters.”
Applejack shivered, “I’d rather not remember that. His whole family… This Fourth Hive of yours sure was one Tartarus of a place.”
Thorax glanced at Fluttershy, “Yeah. It was hard to be nice at all there…”
“Terrible,” Fluttershy shook her head.
“Hey, Prince Thorax,” Applejack said, reaching out towards the changeling. “Don'tchu worry, we’ve got your back now. There’ll be no more of that in Equestria. None, you hear me?”
“Heh, right. None,” Thorax meekly replied.
“... Right, Thorax?”
Thorax shrunk in his seat.
“... What happened, Thorax?”
‘Uh oh.’
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The best laid plans, still don't survive contact with the enemy in the end. Isn't that like a military rule 101?
Plans are nothing, planning is everything: Civilisation 5
Why must you keep digging, Applejack? Is it really worth it to extract all the dark secrets from your would-be friends? Disappointing.
Well at least a party is a technical break from business as usual. 😄
Good chapter!
Forcing Friendship is like forcing Loyalty, you can't...
That had me metaphorical rolling in laughter
Division P...
Rule one of dealing with the Mane Six, ya don't start talking to AJ unless you REALLYYY good at telling half truths and directing topics subtly away from what you don't want to talk about. Thorax....does not have those skills, he is too good a boy.
Hands‐down, one of my fav alt. universes on fim.
Great chapter. Never stop writing :)
Like the couple who jokingly invited the late Queen to their wedding and had her actually show up. (Seriously, the monarchy would've been gone decades ago if Lizzy hadn't been so personally charming)
I thought phas told Luna all the things? Who else did something?
Well, if this triggers an Applejack tirade against Division P, at least she'll be nonpartisan in his distaste for cruelty and skullduggery.
I'd make a joke about that, but my programming jokes are a bit rusty.
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Huh, I guess I was wrong.
Also...
CelestAI:In fact, it's optimal.
Every fan who dislikes FiO:Noooooooooo!
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I'm guessing this is about the traitor that got banished to the Griffon Kingdom.
Nice
Not sure what the next chapter holds but it better start with rarity being disappointed in how poorly most clothes get treated. Not to mention the horrors of tie-dye
Thorax vs the living Lie Detector! FIGHT!
Phasma trying to learn enchanting... Like scripting in a new language. But maths rule existence, so magic expressing itself as a code like process makes sense.
Huzzah Birthday party! Phasma has to face the Rarity fashion gauntlet!
""What did matter was that I did nothing different and it was working this time.
"Son of a bitch, it is coding!" I yelled.""
Legit lol.
To be fair, when non-random code fails or succeeds arbitrarily without outwardly doing anything different, it's almost always because it's either quietly changing some kind of non volatile state between runs (bad IDEs are usually the ones that go behind your back with settings), or it's accessing a mutable resource outside the code subject to interference or timing problems.
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And he did even get a treat like a good boyyy
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I can offer some pretty good other Changeling stories in the mean time
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I can totally see Chrysalis getting Thestrals and Changeling to raise a banner to embrace the future:
"Give us Foals to snuggel and spoil" ♡
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I recommend the Hk Kotor gag video. It is to die for
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THAT... Is a great idea and I hope AJ has to go trough the hole triad of it. In detail
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Indeed
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Program vs Program Writer:
Fernando would like to have a word.
i.postimg.cc/j5ykdWzf/1027298-safe-screencap-fernando-the-straw-pinkie-pie-the-mane-attraction-animated-discovery-family.gif
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.
Pinkie Pie doesn't count. Especially given that IIRC this was from the same episode as
Didn't like the way Applejack was pushing "to get everyone's secrets". That's NOT how being honest works!
People keep secrets for a reason. Of course, criminals do, but that's only to keep from getting caught by the cops or killed by other criminals--but criminals abuse every aspect of society because they're criminals. There are legitimate reasons for keeping things secret: governments classify shittons of stuff (although, most governments fall under "criminal" categories about abusing society), but there's also family business situations.
Would Applejack be going about blabbing so much about how deep her farm is in hock to Filthy Rich?
Or that just one bad harvest or failed market encounter might cause them to lose their home at any moment?
Would she blab about the secret formula on how to make their Zap Apple Jam?
Being stupid with her "honesty" would make her family targets for even more con jobs, where Flim and Flam are just the NICER conartists!
I guess we should learn that the common pony is very biased and unfair?
Celestia has very flawed the approached to create bonds, Celestia only manages to create the exact opposite to her goal.
Instead of making friends, she alienate them towards another.
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Agreed, I guess Applejack is rather more about giving Phasma a tough time for the fun of it.
Because evil creatures deserve to have a hard life and shit like that...
Worst Applejack I seen so far, but she is a guest character so who cares for the long run?
All other characters are very well made in contrast
Thorax should have called out her Horseapples.
- How is your cider made?
- Is it true you 'keep it in the family'?
- What is the secret to Zap Apples?
- How close is your farm to getting closed?
- Since you can't promise to keep a secret, so I can't do the same. Fair is fair and all that.
But we do it all for the 'friendship', because that how it works right?.
You've mentioned water more on this chapter then in the entire first story. Do you perhaps need a glass?
Applejack in this story is worse than Rainbow Dash in canon, reaching this low is a accomplishment all on their own...
I’m starting to think most fanfic authors do not have a very high opinion of Applejack.
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because most of the mane 6 suck to write.