Body Language
It was just before the main course was served when they walked in, bound for a table. Just the four of them, Rarity in front leading her parents, followed by—her, looking even better than usual. Sweetie Belle’s white coat was practically sparkling and her mane was mostly straightened for the occasion, making her look older and more lovely. Rarity was chatting away about how if her parents were visiting then it was her duty to treat them to a fine meal, and besides, they had a graduation to celebrate. This prompted a proud hug from Sweetie Belle’s mother, which the nearly 16 year-old filly took with good grace.
Featherweight stared, subconsciously trying to groom his mane, waiting for the time when she would notice him as well. His own family was chatting quietly, leaving him out of mind while they waited for the meal to arrive. The unicorn family sat down and lifted their menus, when Sweetie Belle caught sight of him between the scattered tables and dining couples, and their eyes met.
Featherweight gave a large smile, and waved, keeping his hooves low so his parents wouldn’t notice. She smiled in return, and glanced at her own family, who were deep in debate over how they could let their own daughter pay for such pricey food. Sweetie Belle looked back, gestured subtly between the two of them, and glanced pointedly at his family with a questioningly raised eyebrow. Featherweight looked abashed, and shook his head slightly. He nodded at her and raised his own eyebrow to turn the question around, and she froze with a blush, shaking her head. He laughed silently, sticking his tongue out at her.
A waiter had arrived with their meals just about the same time as one trotted over to Sweetie Belle’s table, and he brought his attention back to his lemongrass linguini, keeping one ear turned across the room. He could clearly hear Rarity gushing to the waiter.
“Yes, we are celebrating. My little sister has been accepted to the Royal Musical Academy in Canterlot!”
Featherweight almost dropped his fork, turning to look back at Sweetie Belle with shock in his eyes. This was entirely new news to him. There was a hint of either shame or regret in hers as she met his gaze, nodding to confirm the statement and mouthing “I’m sorry” across the dining room. Pride warred with anxiety in the colt. Unable to decide what his feelings were, he tried to hide his pained face and pantomimed clapping his hooves for her. She gave a slight bow, but from the look on her face, it seemed he hadn’t been entirely successful in hiding his feelings.
He took a bite of his pasta, hoping to let the warm, flavorful food soothe him, but the hole had already been dug. How much time did they have left? Weeks? Months?
With a sudden glint in his eye, Featherweight checked to make sure his family hadn’t noticed anything yet, muttered something about needing the colt’s room, and got up, gesturing with his head to Sweetie Belle. She caught on instantly, and slid over in the booth just enough to lean over to Rarity and excuse herself from their table.
In the hallway behind the bar, she found herself quickly enveloped in a firm hug of both hooves and wings, and a pair of familiar lips planted themselves gently but eagerly on her own. She returned the kiss with equal fervor until they broke for air.
Featherweight smiled, even though his brown eyes were sad as he looked into Sweetie Belle’s. “Hey,” he said.
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Interesting. I've always thought that you get better with writing the more you practice. Little short scenes like this are good for that.
1307712
Man, you should see some of the prompts that are still to go, too. These are so great. Little stuff that no one really thinks about on their own, but can make SUCH a huge difference in stories.
I find this very interesting. I'll see if I can write along with the prompts. Maybe it'll finally get me back into writing pony fiction ^_^
Though I can't help but feel that mouthing something in the "No talk" prompt is kind of cheating :P
Funny, I do the same thing.
I write little snippets of stories & individual scenes that might wind up being fleshed out or in some cases added to an existing story that I'm writing.
Often times however they remain in their incomplete form.
1307756>>1307732
I agree with you, Gaiascope. Featherweight's "Hey," at the end, breaks this rule as well.
Score: Editorial 20/20 - No errors as far as I could see. Writing quality 17/20 - One error, other than those already mentioned here:
It may seem nitpicky, but I counted you off for something new writers often miss: viewpoint. Stories are most effective when each scene is rendered from the viewpoint of a single character. This resonates with us as human beings, for the simple reason that, in life, each of us is limited to one viewpoint--our own. That is, we don't feel another's emotions, hear another's unspoken thoughts, or intrinsically experience another's motivations, only our own. We infer these things about others from tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and so forth. Thus, keeping each scene in a single character's viewpoint helps the reader to know with whom they should identify--it feels "real" to us because it closely matches the human experience.
With that in mind, take a look at the above quoted paragraphs, noting especially the bolded phrases. Up until this point in the scene, we have been in Featherweight's viewpoint, feeling with him, thinking with him, knowing his motivations. With the first bolded phrase, however, we are abruptly shifted from Featherweight's viewpoint to--presumably--Sweetie Belle's, because of the following, which explains the problem with each bolded phrase:
1. Being inside Featherweight's head, he wouldn't see a glint in his own eye--so neither should we. Rather, we would get the direct feeling beind that glint. Is he feeling proud of himself? Clever? Relieved? Happy? Desperate? Describe the emotions Featherweight is feeling. We would get them directly, because he is the viewpoint character.
2. Here, you have the opposite problem. Featherweight wouldn't know directly that Sweetie Belle had "caught on instantly;" he would infer that from the fact that she got up to meet him at the back. So reword the sentence so that he first sees her action, then realizes she understands.
3. In the same vein, Featherweight is doing the "enveloping" in the hug, and wouldn't directly know either that Sweetie "suddenly found herself" in it, or that she returned his kiss with "equal fervor." As I said, he would infer this by her response to his action.
These things may sound picky, but doing viewpoint incorrectly will cause many readers' suspension of disbelief to break, and earn a work such criticisms as, "jumpy," "unreal," or "contrived," from readers without enough knowledge of the craft of writing to allow them to articulate prescisely why they feel that way about it--no one notices things like viewpoint until someone does them wrong, unfortunately.
Overall, you've written a very emotionally powerful scene, and done it subtly. Refreshing to see, especially for a fan fiction site. Too many people who do this appear to post immediately after typing the first draft, rendering some otherwise incredible concepts difficult to wade through. I applaud you for your determination to hone your skill.
Sorry for the long post, but I evaluate people's writing for a living, and I wanted to be as thorough as possible, since you did ask for explanation.
1309305
Agreed, for the most part. I wanted to try to set my viewpoint as sort of a third party looking over the shoulder of Featherweight, not really in his head so that I wasn't too tempted to use his thoughts to fill in the blanks in the actions. The actions needed to remain subtle enough that the reader should have to interpret what's going on behind the motions.
And the "Hey" breaks the rule intentionally, which is why it ends the scene. As for the mouthing though... yeah, I don't really have a defense other than I thought it should go there.
1309489
Well, if a third-person, outside viewpoint was what you were really going for, (not really a widely-used technique these days ) then the thing to do would be to focus completely and only on the outer, visible actions of both characters, without any discussion of motivation or thought at all.
Not easy to do, these days, since third-person limited (inside one character's head), or first person, are the viewpoints most of us are used to seeing...
I wish you success.
Let me know if I can be of further help.
"It was just before the main course was served when they walked in, bound for a table."
That set-up is... bleh.
So many unasked questions. So many wasted opportunities.
Also, ponies talked... ruining your test's main rubric.
My advice: Less explaining, more doing.
example:
Featherweight gave a large smile, and waved, keeping his hooves low so his parents wouldn’t notice.
vs
Featherweight smiled widely. He raised a hoof, but hesitated.
He peaked over his menu, Mom and Dad were chatting with their waitress.
Featherweight took a deep breath, locking eyes with Sweetie Bell. Then lurched forward, waving frantically.
-------------------------------
Positives?
There are some good scenes. Written albeit funny (in my biased opinion) but they're cute:
"In the hallway behind the bar, she found herself quickly enveloped in a firm hug of both hooves and wings, and a pair of familiar lips planted themselves gently but eagerly on her own. She returned the kiss with equal fervor until they broke for air."
Pretty words. Too bad it's almost obscured, hidden in a sea of less-pretty words.
Work on clarity and creativity.
Best of luck.
Rating 11/20,
But I'll "thumbs up" your story.
1317448>>1317509
Fair enough, and definitely thanks for taking the time to read.
It is pretty hard to balance a fully-developed scene with such a short word limit, which is something I've never had to work with before. I've got things to work on!
i think this might be quite helpful i just wish to see more prompts
1348797
If you feel like doing it, I'd gladly send you the list of prompts I'm using. Just be sure to send me a link to your results!
that would be great
1349876
My editor for my other fics pretty much conditioned me to use em dashes almost out of reflex. I used to use semicolons a lot more.
And yeah, it's not exactly original, though the part about the tense passing being the only clue is quite useful. I may have to remember that.
What a great idea to practice body language!
1317509 Featherweight smiled widely. He raised a hoof, but hesitated. He peeked over his menu, Mom and Dad were chatting with their waitress.
That is better!