Ponies Discover Guns (A Rewrite of "You Ponies Are Lucky Idiots!")

by redandready45

Storm King Gets a Package

The Storm King's Airship raced across the sky, bumping into clouds and the occasional bird that smacked into the windshield as it approached Canterlot.

"Soon, I will be the most powerful being in all of Equestria!" The Storm King bellowed from the depths of his ship with sadistic glee. "I'll crush those stupid, wimpy little ponies under my paws!" The simian creature continued to cackle.

Tempest Shadow rolled her eyes out of a combination of boredom and annoyance. "How many times has he said that?" Tempest asked her sidekick rhetorically with quiet exasperation.

"198 times," Grubber said cheerfully, gesturing to tally marks on the wall.

"Thank you, Grubber," Tempest said with sarcastic frustration while rubbing her temple with her hoof. A horn blew, signaling that an announcement was coming through the intercom.

"Storm Kingdom, we shall reach Canterlot within 30 minutes!" A Storm King soldier announced. "Prepare your weapons, put on your armor, and remember to leave your carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment as we prepare our global conquest."

"Your Highness," Tempest said, prostrating herself before the King while the various soldiers began preparing for their invasion. "Are you sure about this?"

"About what?" Storm King said.

"Marching into the capital when all the ponies are present," Tempest said with urgency and frustration.

"What are you talking about," Storm King said with disbelief. "It is the best plan any creature could ever come up with. Ever."

"But all the Royal Guards, Princesses, and the Bearers of the Elements are present," Tempest said. "Are you sure our forces can stand up to all of that? Especially if go right up to them demanding surrender?"

"Of course," Storm King said. "They are just a bunch of dumb ponies. What can they do? Resist an invasion? Overwhelming our hundreds with an army of tens of thousands? Use their alicorn powers to cut us off from weather, dooming us to a slow and painful famine?"

"Well, those are pretty well pretty good reasons we shouldn't be-"

"Now let's stop a worryin' about dumb things like tactics and logistics and start invading!" Storm King said as if he was watching a Wonderbolts performance.

"Yes sir," Tempest said, her fears immediately to rest. "It can't possibly fail," the purple pony said, her voice salivating at the prospect of regaining her lost horn, never mind that she achieved prosperity and wealth without it, and the Storm King hadn't explained how precisely she would regrow her horn. It was the principle of the matter that counted. She was putting on her armor when she heard some creature banging on entry door to the hull.

"Who could be knocking on the door when we're airborne?" the Storm King asked with mild confusion.

"A Pegasus," Grubber said helpfully.

"Oh right," Storm King said with some annoyance. "Tempest," the Storm King ordered.

"Yes, sir," Tempest said, turning to the door. She opened it and flew some weird grey Pegasus. The Pegasus had a blond mane, a cutie mark with bubbles, walleyes, and a dopey smile.

"What business have you, Pony," the Storm King growled. The grey mare didn't look remotely afraid of the Storm King, still smiling.

"Are you Marion S. King?" the pegasus asked the King happily. The Storm King frowned in annoyance.

"Wait, your name is Marion?" Grubber asked, a small smirk appearing on his face.

"Yes," the Storm King said with some anger. Grubber fell to the ground in fits of laughter, much to the exasperation of the Storm King. The other guards also chuckled while Tempest let a devious grin form on her muzzle. The Pegasus pulled a yellow envelope out of her saddlebag.

"Are you Marion S. King?" the pegasus repeated.

"I just said my name is Marion," the Storm King said with frustration, not liking his boring loser name being said aloud.

"Are you Marion S. King?" Pegasus, emphasizing the last two parts of the Storm King's full name.

"YES!" The Storm King bellowed. "I am Marion S. King!"

"Congratulations Marion S. King, you have a special delivery," the pegasus said, tearing the letter open with her teeth. "Dear Marion S. King, your airship has entered unauthorized airspace. If you don't remove your airship out of the no-fly zone within the next 5 minutes, we of the Equestrian Air Force are prepared to respond with force. Please heed our warning-" The Storm King jumped in front of the mare and let out a growl of rage.

"You think you can threaten me!" the Storm King screeched, his posture threatening and his staff like a sword. "I have laid waste to numerous kingdoms. Your little puny pony world is nothing compared to my power!"

"-or we shall destroy your airship at your expense," the Pegasus said, still reading the letter and nonplussed by Storm King's bluster. "Love, Commander Spitfire."

"Tell your pathetic Commander that she'll be my slave within the next," the Storm King said, paused as he mulled over his response, four minutes."

"OK, Dokey, bacon smokey," the grey mare said happily. "I will let her know." The Pegasus pulled out some form. "Can you please sign here declaring that the Equestrian Air Force gave you a fair warning?"

"Of course, ma'am," the Storm King said politely. "I'd be glad, too!" Pulling out a pen, he affixed his signature on the document. "Have a wonderful day," the evil overlord said cheerfully.

"You too," the grey mare said with a wave before flying out of the airship.

"I knew that mare would chicken out before my might," the Storm King said with maniacal glee. "Soon, all of Equestria will-,"

"Marion-I meant, your royal majesty sir," one of the guards said with some embarrassed snickering. "Something is flying toward us."

"What, that same dumb mare," the Storm King said dismissively.

"No, it is some weird rocket thing," the guard said. "It's all pointy and fast."

"Probably some fireworks celebrating my-" A blast went off. In an instant, the Storm King and most of his minions were vaporized, the hull was destroyed, and the airship began dipping, losing all maneuverability. Tempest and Grubber held on to dear life as their ship plummeted toward the ground, burning and spinning around.

"Grubber," Tempest said longingly. "Since this is the end, there is something I've always wanted to tell you but never dared to say until."

"Yeah," Grubber said.

"You are the worst sidekick ever."

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me," Grubber said, happy tears flowing down his face as he chose to meet his doom with dignity.

---

The ship crashed into the forest with a fiery explosion. Spitfire looked at the flaming wreck with no small amount of pride.

"Now that's what I call Special Delivery," Spitfire said, proudly holding up her bazooka as if it were a mighty sword.