Mark’s hand was shaking as he stood in front of the closet door. He was extremely nervous about what would be held behind it, and was conflicted about what it should be. The ideal scenario, the most likely scenario, was for there to be nothing. It would hurt very much to see, but it would at least help him be able to put that thought to an end. Even though it was hard, he was managing his feelings for now. Having that portal be real would make it so, so much more difficult to manage, almost impossible if there was an out right there in his own home.
But would that be so bad? Having a place he could go to where he could not hate himself, where the dysphoria would end, at least for a little while, would be more than he could ever ask for. Even if it were only for a few hours a day, or less, the weight off of his shoulders would be unbelievable. It was unbelievable. And he knew it was something he absolutely wanted to experience again.
He took a few deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm as he gripped the doorknob shakily and pulled the door open. He closed his eyes before he opened it all the way, trying to delay the inevitable, the disappointment he would feel when it wasn’t there, the worry about what would happen if it was there. Keeping his eyes closed kept him safe. Heck, having his closet not contain what he hoped it had was safer than the other outcome. Having the trapdoor be there would bring with it the eventual inevitably of having to confront himself. He knew how he felt, but being forced to confront the root cause of those feelings absolutely terrified him.
He let himself live in safety for a second longer before opening his eyes, his heart beating out of his chest when he saw the faint glinting of the ring on the ground. Several thoughts ran through his head all at once, but these were ignored as he hurriedly pulled the trapdoor open and climbed down the ladder, jumping the last few feet to face the door that changed him. His heart felt like it was beating at a thousand beats a minute as he shivered, his eyes watering as he stared at something that couldn’t possibly be real.
“I can’t go in there,” he thought to himself as he closed his eyes and turned away, clenching his jaw. “I shouldn’t even be entertaining this. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I’m not a girl, even if whatever information that horse had on me said I am. It’s just going to make my dysphoria worse when I have to leave again.”
He glanced back at the door for a moment, his eyes falling on the note. As he read it over again, the wetness in his eyes turned into a few teardrops threatening to fall to the floor. Miss Mark ‘Katrina’ Wiley. Where before it made him blush and his heart flutter, now it made him frustrated at what he wasn’t. He so, so deeply wanted to be what the note read, but knew he couldn’t, even if the portal did change him. Even though he knew why he hated himself so much, walking through that door meant acknowledging it. Even if he already knew what he was, there was no way he could actually admit it, not to himself or anyone else, let alone face it.
It took much more than a little while for Mark to gather the strength to head back up the ladder and out of the closet, unable to stop the tears from running down as he did so. He lay down in bed carefully and, despite his being alone, did his best to not cry too loudly. He tried to breathe and calm himself down as he cried, but wasn’t able to easily, staying upset and frustrated and sad for much longer than he would’ve liked to.
He hated how unfair everything was. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he had to be so uncomfortable in his own skin, that he had to hate himself because he couldn’t be who he felt he should be. He just wanted the feeling to go away, even though he knew it wouldn’t. It was even more unfair that he had to know it wouldn’t ever leave him. Not without confronting himself anyway, or some other greater miracle taking place.
“Why can’t I just be a normal person?” he thought to himself bitterly, the niceness of his inner monologue not matching with how repulsed he was by practically everything else about him. “I shouldn’t have to feel like this. If I could just let go of this feeling…”
He let himself lay down and cry and be sad for a few hours, sometime around then falling into a dreamless sleep. Before he knew it, he was waking up again, the sadness he felt last night still lingering over him. He didn’t dwell on it though, forcing himself up and going through the motions of his morning routine. Shave, shower, comb his hair- it was all of twenty minutes before he was booting up his laptop and chatting online again.
Several messages immediately grabbed his attention, his friends asking where he was and if he was okay, seeing as he was offline for the entirety of yesterday. Frankly, he had forgotten about them, given the events of last night, and felt bad because of it.
“I’m sorry,” he typed. “I was just taking a personal day. A few things came up. I’m sorry.”
“Awwww, it’s okay Katrina!” he read as the response to his message. “You don’t need to apologize to us! You take all the time you need, girl!”
Normally, seeing a message like that would make him hum happily to himself, but after yesterday, he found himself feeling bad because of it. He sighed to himself as his fingers typed on his keyboard automatically, and before he could stop himself, he was sending out a question.
“Hey, I was wondering, what would you do if a portal to another world suddenly appeared in your home?” Mark asked. “And it changed you into a horse and your sex to the opposite of what you were?”
It was only a few seconds before dozens of replies came in, nearly all of them telling him that they would immediately go through, a girl named Sylvia inquiring further.
“It would depend,” she responded. “If I was cis, I wouldn’t, but if I was trans, I would go in the first chance I got. That sounds like the most amazing thing ever! Are you trans?”
He practically flinched at the question as his fingers hovered above the keyboard, trying to figure out he should respond. He hated that he was asked that, the question being even worse online than it was in real life. At least in real life where he was known as Mark, he could just say no. That was much harder to do in the place where he was known as Katrina, a much more difficult question to answer, especially since he never wanted to admit the answer.
After several long seconds of deliberation, he quickly closed the laptop and set it aside, deciding he’d rather ignore her question and hope she would forget than give her a yes or no response. Not that she probably didn’t already know because of his question. If she didn’t, she’d have no trouble figuring it out from his lack of response. It was another person learning something about him much more quickly than he learned himself.
“If I were trans, I would go in, she said,” Mark thought to himself as he placed his head against his pillow to sort out his thoughts. “I already knew that though. Going in again basically confirms that I am. If I do, I won’t be able to take that action back…”
Who was he kidding? Certainly not himself. He already knew what he was. Acting like going through that portal would change anything about himself was ridiculous. The fact that he was even debating it in his head was proof enough.
“I hate this so, so much,” he whispered to himself as he turned over, looking out his bedroom door and into his hallway, the closet that called his name only a few steps away.
Was there any way he could go through that portal and not have to acknowledge what he was? It was a world to another dimension as that horse had said. Wanting to go back through it was something completely natural, not a sign of anything more. Anyone else in his position, regardless of who they turned into, would have already gone back through without even thinking about it. What made him any different, besides the obvious?
“It doesn’t mean anything if I do,” he said to himself, though not getting up from his bed yet. “It’s a door to another world. There are a hundred million other reasons for why I would want to go back, being a girl being the least of them. It doesn’t mean anything.”
He continued to stare, the door still calling his name, so powerfully that he imagined hearing it in real life. He closed his eyes and listened for a moment before suddenly snapping them open. That wasn’t his imagination. Someone was actually calling for him.
“Katrina!” someone called out from below, now forcing Mark to his feet. “Where are you? I need help! Please, Katrina!”
He only hesitated for a moment at the prospect of going back down before shaking his head clear, not wasting any more time. It was only a few moments before he was heading down the ladder, having to dodge someone at its base lying on their stomach on the floor.
“Oh, thank you so much!” the girl exclaimed as she looked up at him, a voice Mark recognized as the pony he met yesterday, Twilight Sparkle. “I fell down while trying to get up that ladder and I’m having trouble getting back up, and… you’re not Katrina, are you?” she asked.
Mark opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He had no idea how he should respond to that, and so decided not to after a moment of consideration. Silently, he swooped down to pick the girl up, placing her arm around his neck to support her.
“Um, I- it would be better if you could get Katrina, sir,” Twilight told him, wincing as she and Mark moved. “I know you’re helping me right now, but I need to get back behind that door, and like the sign says, it’s not for public use. Only she and I are allowed to go through it. You understand, right?”
As much as he wanted to comment on it, he refrained, taking a deep breath as he pulled the door open. He pushed away the knowledge that she would see just who he was when he went through, focusing on getting her to the door.
“You really shouldn’t go through there,” Twilight explained seriously, stopping for a moment as she looked right at him. “I know you’re helping me, and I appreciate it, but it’s really not meant for anyone but Katrina.” She said it, but even as she did, she didn’t try to do anything that could directly stop him, not that she could.
“I can find somepony- err, someone- to help me once I get through that door,” she continued, wincing a bit in pain.
Mark let out a breath at those words. “Don’t think about it,” he told himself as he pressed forward, feeling ready to have a heart attack at what she would think of him in a second. “What I change into doesn’t mean anything.”
With that, he stepped through the door and changed.
Eeeeyep. Beautifully written, and cuts straight to the heart. This is gonna be a fun read.
Normal is a setting on your washing machine, dude. Way overrated anyway.
While I never had this level of dysphoria, thankfully, my friend has. She recently only recognized that she is mentally a she, and has already been able to get the medical help she needs. It's amazing how much happier a trans can be when they ware able to accept the difference between their mental and physical state. Even better when they have people who are willing to support them.
11076038
Agreed.
Twilight is about to understand why Katrina/Mark claimed to not be a girl.
As someone struggling with these feelings and a similar situation... I feel this on a deep spiritual level...
You do a great job relating Mark's internal struggle to the reader. I'm rooting for them to find a greater sense of peace with who they are, and hopefully the portal helps them find it.
Well lookie here mister popular getting a shout out from an also very good gender bender story. "Trust once lost" to be exact. Good stories both of y'all and I I request more from both please.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/451664/trust-once-lost
I would like to apologize for the following, because it's ugly, but it's real and it's making it very hard for me to read this.
oh my fucking god.
There is a fucking magic door that makes you a girl right in front of you.
Go be a fucking girl and quit whining that it's not faaaaaair.
Because you know what's not faaaaaaair?
I. Don't. Have. One.
11076783
Yeah... same feelings here. But it think its worse because they're at that "middle point" of confronting who they are/were/will be.
It goes to show that while they have friends online, they don't have any *real* confidantes to confide in. So they can't even hypothetical anything.
Hell, he went *home* to that place to freaking relax. RELAX. That craps not gonna help. Obviously some people know the the answer, but in real life, it takes a lot to even *humor* the niggling feeling inside.
It might be a good thing I, myself, am not there for the MC. I'd be almost aggressively pro-trans. (I'm genderfluid and bi and have some minor, similar issues with my own parental figure.) I don't think the MC would appreciate me constantly referring to them as she/her and Katrina all the time.
11076783
If you can believe it, more than once this story made me cry to write. I legit had to stop in the middle of writing some of the chapters of this story because it made me too emotional to write.
11076783
Which would be fine if not for the massive social pressures that he/she is under, especially from his/her father, that being transexual is unnatural, evil, wrong, etc.
It takes a massive act of will, repeatedly, to violate a taboo like that.
I have never experienced that specifically, but have struggled to speak plainly with my parents on other topics, for fear of consequences. And no matter what I told myself, it was nearly impossible to force myself to speak, and I had to try dozens of times.until I managed it.
Think of a socially mandated rule you follow, that violating would be a taboo. Following your religion, going to work, or not eating meat, or not picking up a knife and stabbing your family member, or wearing clothes outside in public. Most likely you follow at least one of these, and (I dearly hope.this is not the case) if not, you probably have some core value you won't violate.. Imagine violating one of these, and then imagine trying to actually do it.
Your brain outright resists it. Doesn't matter that in a warm climate clothes aren't really always necessary, you've learned to not go outside naked, and trying to do it anyway is hard.
Maybe think about the rules your family set like bedtime or doing homework first or something. If you respect/fear your family, then even though you might want to stay up til midnight or play videogames first, you have been trained to obey these rules, and you them have to fight your brain to break that conditioning.
This got away from me. I have trouble empathizing with other people with different values, and try to force my brain to imagine the situation by mapping my values onto what I think their values are.
I don't like how you say that as though it is a trivial feat to just go through the door. He/she has a lot holding him/her back, and you cannot casually overcome history like that.
Twilight: "wait, Mark is supposed to be a stallions' name?!".
Never is fair; never will be…
I won’t leave my closet. The Alphabet Movement has made the world so politically charged I don’t dare. There will always be those that would condemn me but those that won’t? Will forever be walking on eggshells fearing the day they use the wrong gender/name/pronouns and me flipping my shit like someone from the Alphabet Movement. To me they are doing more harm than good…
11335802
You know, most people don't care about wrong pronouns, and in fact, many trans people are afraid to speak up about using the wrong pronouns. The only time people get upset is if they feel you're intentionally trying to misgender them, which is not a common occurrence. Either way though, I think you've been painted a view of the world that isn't a common experience. Most people settle for they/them in any case.
I wonder, if the want/need to be able to be the gender they see themselves as, would outweight the body dysphoria you'd get by suddenly changing species like that, if it was to happen to someone in real life.
Just something that came to me while reading this
So, the portal did change Twilight Sparkle into a human woman. It does work both ways. It would be logical if the portal also changed Mark/Katrina into a woman on the way back since it did change Mark into a mare on the way there.