Chapter 2: A New Town
Baldric awakes due to a light shining through the trees above him and onto his scruffy face.
“Oh man what a crazy dream, talking mini zebras and birds made of fire…”
He looks around scratching his head and realizes it was not a dream; he’s still next to that same mud hut and out walks that same zebra from yesterday carrying a bag on her back and another in her mouth.
Zecora drops the bag in her mouth at Baldrics feet and states “This is for you, that brew I made for you won’t last. Take a sip when words you cannot grasp.”
“Ooh, more of that magic soup? Thank you, but before we head out can I get something to eat?” says Baldric as he gives her a big smile.
“Ha, food we can get in Ponyville, but till then, take this carrot to tie you down” She pulls a carrot out of her bag with her mouth and hands it to him.
A little discouraged because now it has some zebra spit on it Baldric says “Thanks I’ll make it last till we get to the town then.”
They set off toward the edge of the forest toward what was known as Ponyville. Ponyville Baldric thought? What crazy world did that blasted dark wizard send me too? Where ponies or… zebras can talk? Not just that but a town named after ponies? The people there must really like ponies. Things were starting to get a little weird here. Never the less he carried on and left with Zecora toward this new town.
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After walking for what seemed like forever on an empty stomach, he hears a shriek in the distance.
“Did you hear that Zecora? Sounded like a little girl! Quickly! We have to go help her!”
Baldric rushes off into the distance, maneuvering through some trees while following the screams for help. Baldric enters a small clearing and sees creatures that resembled large wolves, but they were not made of flesh and fur, no they were made of wood and had somewhat of a magical glow in their eyes.
They surrounded 3 small creatures, same shape as Zecora, but one had yellow fur with a bow in its reddish mane. Next to the little creature were 2 other small ones, to the right, orange fur with purplish pink hair and what seemed to be wings on her back and to the left side was a white one with a horn on her head along with a light purple and pink mane.
“I told you we shouldn’t of taken that shortcut through the trees to Zecora’s house!” Squeaked the white one.
“How was I supposed to know this was Timberwolf territory?!” shouted the orange one
“Ah don’t wanna die yet! We Need Heeelp!” said the yellow one almost crying.
At that moment Zecora jumped out from the trees and shouted” Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle! Hold on young ones!”
At that moment Baldric knew what he had to do, fight the creatures, the monsters. It’s what he had always done, and just because these ones were made of wood made it no different than any other time.
“STAND BACK LITTLE ONES!” shouts Baldric as he rushes at the nearest Timberwolf and smashes down on it with his makeshift club, crushing it into the ground, and with a yelp it stops moving.
All the Timberwolves turn their attention upon Baldric, seeing him as a threat now.
“Zecora! Take the young ones to safety, I’ll follow you when I’m done here!” He Picks his club back up and runs at another, raising his club into the air then bringing it down with a crash on top of another Timberwolf's head.
At that moment Zecora jumps between the spaces and covers the three little fillies leading them back toward the main road.
A Timberwolf runs at Zecora and the three fillies snarling.
“AHHH! It’s chasing us!” Screams the white one, as the Timberwolf lunges at the ponies a large rock slams into it.
With a high pitched whine, the Timberwolf crashes into a nearby tree.
“I said Run!” Shouts Baldric as two Timberwolves lunge at him from both sides.
He quickly steps back and grabs both Timberwolves mid lunge in each hand by their neck, and proceeds to smash their heads together. The Timberwolves went limp in his hands.
“For being made of wood you sure are frail” He throws the two limp Timberwolves at the pack and gets into a low stance, arms out wide and hands open.
After witnessing five of their brethren fall in a fight against this huge strange two legged creature, the timberwolves decide it’s not worth it and retreat back into the forest to avoid any more casualties; they would just have to find food elsewhere.
Baldric emerges from the trees back to the road where he meets Zecora and the three smaller ponies near her. “Well are you three young ones ok? Are you zebras like Zecora?”
“Yes we are fine, but zebras? No were just simple ponies here, but here is a question for you, what are you?” says the orange one
“Now thas a rude question to ask somepony who just saved our lives don’t ya think Scootaloo?” states the yellow one.
“Ha-ha, its fine little orange one, well I’m a human, and it seems I’m somewhat of a rare species around these parts, um, Scootaloo was it?”
Wait, did she just say somepony? Must be something they created themselves.
“Yeah, my names Scootaloo, this here’s Apple Bloom, and she’s Sweetie Belle. Thanks for saving us.”
“No problem little ponies.” Baldrics stomach suddenly grumbles loudly.
“Oh ya sound hungry! Why not follow us’n come visit my apple farm! We have loads a apples and I’m sure Applejack will be happy to feed you as payment for saving us!”
“Ahem" Zecora doesn’t look too happy
“What were you three fillies doing wandering this forest? Were you searching for me?” Zecora glares at them for a time.
“Well uh, we were hoping you could maybe probably help us, by making a magic brew that would help us discover our cutie marks?” Sweetie Belle nervously squeaks.
“Nonsense little ones, told you before that a cutie mark is earned through time and age. Now let us head back and get you three to safety.” Zecora ushers the three little fillies in front and gets them to start walking.
Well maybe now I can get something to eat, can’t wait to get some meat… wait, do ponies eat meat? Baldric thinks for a minute and wonders if the only thing for him to eat would be apples…
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Before long they reach the edge of the forest, and Baldric sees a nice little village across the stream.
“Is that the town you spoke of Ms. Zecora?” Baldric points in the town’s direction “The Ponyville?”
“Ponyville it is indeed Baldric. First we must head to a pony by the name of Rarity to see about getting you some new clothes.”
“Don’t you Worry Zecora, I’m sure my big sis will help him out once she hears what he did for us!”
“Yeah! You can head back Zecora we can handle it from here!”
“Visit Twilight Sparkle, before I head home I must.” Zecora heads out leaving Baldric with the three little ponies that barely came up to his knees.
“Well I guess we should visit this Rarity person to get my new cloths ordered before I go get something to eat at your farm little yellow one”
“Ma names Apple Bloom, and don’t ya worry none. I’am sure she can make you something faster than you can even blink!”
“Yeah my sis is the best at making dresses and outfits! And they’re so beautiful and elegant for any occasion”
“Oh? Sounds like she might have her work cut out for her, when she’s making something for me”
A fearsome warrior wearing a beautiful dress? Hopefully this Rarity knows how to make some pants. These leaves feel like they’re giving me a rash.
They head out and cross the bridge and enter the town. After some time Baldric notices that he doesn’t see anything that looks human like, as a matter of fact he doesn’t see any living thing in the town. The only thing he sees are houses with closed doors and closed windows, not even a single door mat was visible in front of the homes.
“Hey is it just me, or is this a ghost town?” asks Baldric
“That’s just cause everyponys scared, they ant ever seen something as big as you walk around on two legs before”
Apple Bloom takes a deep breath “Don’t Worry everypony! He’s a nice stallion that helped us in the Everfree Forest!”
As if a wave of fear lifts from the village, doors and windows open and heads poke out.
“Is everyone that lives here also a Pony as well?” Baldric says with a troubled look on his face.
“No, not everyone, there’s also 2 donkeys and of course pets. Oh and there’s Spike as well, he’s a baby dragon.”
“A Dragon?!” Baldric gasped at the thought of a dragon living in this town filled with ponies.
“You mean a real dragon that breathes fire and could kill 100s with a single breath?!”
“Spike? HAHA!” All three fillies laugh and Scootaloo rolls around on the floor a bit.
“Spike's nothing like that, although I’m sure other dragons are capable of such things.” Scootaloo shudders at the thought.
“It’s a good thing adult dragons tend to keep to themselves instead of attacking towns.”
With that thought in mind they head over to the shop where Baldric can get some clothes.
Guild wars 2 is what it makes me think of.
1253141
yes, my main character is heavily influenced by the game, lol
So many typos and grammar mistakes it hurts my eyes. Couldn't read past the first paragraph. Try again later when you learn to write, please. Commas and a proofreading software might be your best bet of improving.
Please, please no more!
1253696
They have Software for that?!
1254110 Microsoft Word has a spelling and grammar check
1254149
I write in Microsoft Office 2007, I read it over a few times. While fixing the errors it catches and doesn't catch for me. I then copy and paste it over. Apparently it isn't very good. lol
1254195 Oh, and I see an error in your description - "thriveing" should be "thriving"
1254216
Thanks, I fixed it along with some other grammar errors, I know I did not catch everything. I found a free program that will hopefully fix my grammar/spelling errors better than Microsoft Word, along with a website that's called Daily Writing tips. I'm going to go back through my submitted chapters and fix what I can.
Ok, I'mma start reading and then write what I think as I go...
Well, I can see whatever grammar fixing you've apparently done has worked. It's definitely readable so far. The prose is quite simplistic, which works at first, because the protagonist is a small child, and thus actually thinks like this... not so much for post timeskip though. It makes Baldric come across as a wee bit dim, not sure if that was intended though. The main reason it sounds so simplistic is because you mostly tell the reader what happens, rather than show Baldric doing things and reacting to plot developments, in a vaguely upbeat manner, using mostly small words like a childrens' book might. It comes across as a synopsis, really, although reading about Nordic farming might be going too far in the opposite direction...
At least the method of shoehorning him into Equestria was better than most, although his farewell speech seemed a little wooden for someone (who thinks he is) about to die, at least until he started crying, presumably over his sister/mother. Not bad, but not great so far. Nothing to make me dislike the character... your action scenes could be more dynamic though. Basically, wizard appears, is vaguely threatening, casts spell, Baldric doesn't bother to dodge, beheads wizard. Basically, they both stood still until the wizard was finished casting, then Baldric doesn't think to dodge or anything. The wizard then stays completely still allowing Baldric to behead him. Make it a bit more back and forth please, unless this really is meant to read like a childrens' book. With extra beheadings.
Chapter 2 rolls around, and it starts out a bit boring, but necessarily so. Clothes out of leaves? Well, if it worked for Adam... to be honest, kinda having a hard time picturing that working very well. I can see the club and everything, suits him to a T, honstly, but the leaves? Wouldn't they just fall off? Oh, good job by the way by not turning that firebird encounter into an actual fight. Far too many new authors writing HiE sprinkle their chapters with pointless and poorly written fight scenes to show off how speshul and k3wl their OC is, and honestly it sucks. You dodged that bullet so far.
I like Zecora, she's nice. She's meant to rhyme though, sorry. She talks kinda reversed, so sounds a bit mystical here, but she's really meant to have a rhyming scheme where the last word of a clause forms rhyming couplets (AABBCC...etcetc). Oops, spoke too soon. Random encounter with timberwolves... handled reasonably well though, to be fair, and Baldric doesn't come across as OP, just as a really large man. Since he's a norn, it's pretty much assured he's a really large man, so I'll let you off on the slightly cliche 'double neck grab smash' maneuver.
Oh, since you're writing in third person, you might want to italicise Baldric's thoughts when they appear in text, or use some other marker. Just putting them in as normal text works for first person, but here it breaks flow a little trying to work out what is narration and what is Baldric making an observation. Overall though, good job. I'm normally much more caustic than this, but since you apparently got a spellcheck and fixed some grammar before I got here, it's actually much better than I expected. Not great, but definitely interesting enough to read for a bit. Just don't put in random encounters where they serve no purpose other than to allow you to write a fight scene, and you should be ok. Oh, and make your fights more dynamic, where you have them. Action and reaction, not just single actions. Looking forward to seeing where this goes, because I initially expected a self insert...