chapter 9
I wonder if there’s an elder god somewhere in the abyss between dimensions who spends his days counting just how many times the phrase “might as well” was immediately followed by a colossal and pointless waste of time.
He must be pretty busy, since I think that’s basically every single time.
--Well, since we have all those books, we might as well read a few of them to make sure I’m really not crazy, right?
The cover of the book fell down heavily, shaking the whole kitchen table with a muted thud.
-Let it be known on this second day of our situation, that my fair warnings and predictions have been confirmed to be true; thus comes to mind the timeless adage of ‘I fucking told you so’.
Silver Spring’s head soon followed the book’s cover, adding a second thud.
--Look, I knew that already, okay? I just needed something to help me calm down before going back there to talk to her again.
-Well, since we’ve proven that you aren’t insane, now can we go tell the magic pony that you’re hearing a voice in your head?
His hooves reached back over the table to massage the sides of our head.
--You’re not helping. And we haven’t proven anything; maybe you are just a crazy delusion in-
-Hey! I am real! I thought we had agreed on that!
--…A very convincing delusion that equestrian medicine has yet to encounter. Look, if we know nothing, we can’t rule anything out, right? At least now we know that it’s not something common that would make me look stupid; I’m either extremely crazy or something really new is going on.
-Could you sometimes do me the favor of holding back on the whole ‘doubting my existence’ thing?
--And could you ease up on the profanity and sarcasm?
He grabbed the book and hoisted it to the top of the pile, where he attached the leather strap again.
-Oh sure, no problem, fuckface!
Our head leaned against the stack and a deep sigh escaped our lips.
--I don’t even understand why I still bother asking things from you…
-Yeah, okay, sorry. I’ll try to watch my tongue if you promise to accept that it exists.
“Deal.”
He stood up, turning around so that his back was facing the book pile before flicking his tail to make them fall on it. “Let’s go try this again, I guess."
The walk towards the library was annoyingly slow, Silver apparently bent on taking as much time as possible to keep himself from stressing out. I guess being bored is a form of relaxation.
Or, you know, it would be if it wasn’t making me so impatient.
-Do you really have to stare at every flower you see?
--I’m trying to take it easy so I don’t panic again!
-Well, take it easy faster, okay? I want to be gone by tomorrow, not in three freaking weeks!
--I would really appreciate it if you stopped pressuring me like that!
-Raaaauuuughhhh…
Well, on the bright side, these repeated trips around town were making me pretty familiar with the layout of the place. I could probably have made my way to the library on my own if that had been an option.
Thankfully, this time our progress wasn’t as much of an epic ordeal as usual; the various ponies around town seemed more interested in their daily lives than in random song and dance routines for once. In fact, a lot of them looked a bit …nervous? Or maybe it was excitement or something. The fact that I was somehow used to them enough to recognize their general state of mind worried me a little more than whatever might be causing them to be nervous in the first place, though. I definitely shouldn’t have been so desensitized to the sight of talking ponies haggling over the price of asparagus. That was his sense of what’s normal!
I saw a unicorn dude giving a bunch of flowers to a mare. She smiled and said something nice to him, but the subtle movement of one of her hooves somehow told me she just wasn’t interested. I could read their body language. Whether that was from actual acclimation or from simply having Silver’s subconscious feeding me the interpretation directly, I knew I shouldn’t have. Not yet at least. It had only been two days, for fudge’s sake!
I wondered how far those changes ran, and if they’d stay if -when- I ever found a way to go back to my own head. I didn’t want my mind to become a weird mash-up of human and magical pony!
Interestingly enough, I was so lost in these oh-so-reassuring musings that I only registered that we were back at the library once I exhaled the shuddering sigh Silver took to steel himself.
--Okay, time to do this. Seriously this time.
A left foreleg lifted to knock on the door once more, with all the confidence the brown pony could muster. So about as much confidence as a child on the first day of school.
For something made for a library, that door was very lacking in the soundproofing department. I clearly heard a new voice yelling “What, again?” as soon as the first knock was produced. Almost immediately after, Spike opened the door while someone replied something to the new speaker, too softly to be heard.
The same new voice, obviously annoyed, called out to silver as soon as we stepped inside.
“What is it now? Can’t you ponies tell that Twilight is busy today?”
Since I had, by that point, given up on the idea of applying the notion of genetics to the ridiculous inhabitants of this stupid world, the fact that I was being indirectly addressed by a rainbow-maned, rose-eyed blue pegasus didn’t affect me as much as the mystery of:
-What the fuck is her deal?
“Rainbow!” Twilight’s indignant shout drew all heads towards her. “That is no way to treat a guest!”
-And apparently her name is literally Rainbow. At least that one makes some sense…
The prismatic mutant pony rolled her eyes from atop her perch on a windowsill, snapping shut the book in her lap as she did so.
“Oh, so you’re back,” the slightly less mutant horse continued, now addressing us. “Is there something wrong? Did you need more books?”
“Not exactly, I… I’m here to return them.”
One of Twilight’s eyebrows raised a bit at that. “Already? You weren’t looking for something specific, were you? I could help you fin-“
“Oh nonononono,” the bowl of fruit loops interrupted as she landed next to us. “You’re not helping anypony find anything today, okay? You’ve already been stressing out about that sleepover checklist enough as it is, you don’t need any more stuff on your plate.”
-How about minding your own damn business, miss Paint Shop Explosion?
“Rainbow!” Twilight shouted again, with just a hint of whining in her voice this time. She closed her eyes to continue speaking, a hoof raised in the air in the stereotypical ‘let the genius educate you simpletons’ pose. “I’m not ‘stressing out’, I’m just being vigilantly careful!”
-No, seriously, since when can I read you guys’ body language?
The mostly blue pegasus took the opportunity to roll her eyes when Twilight closed hers, while Silver had nothing better to add to the conversation than an annoyed “Yeah” to the start of Twilight’s defense.
“’Vigilantly careful’,” the popsicle variety pack mimicked under her breath, in sync with Twilight. “Sure you are, Twilight. Look, if you wanted to check out that list any more often you’d have to glue it to your eyelashes! So the last thing you need is some random shmuck coming here to make you even more frazzled.”
“I’m not frazzled!” Twilight answered, looking increasingly frazzled. “What if he has a friendship problem of some kind?”
“Yeah!” Silver added, a little bit louder this time. Skittles-face suddenly turned to face us, her nose inches from ours.
“Do you have a problem?”
“Uh, yeah, actual-“
“Is something on fire?”
“No, I just-“
“Did something explode?”
-You mean something besides the box of food dye that fell on your head this morning?
“Uh, I don’t think s-“
“Has an ancient gooey evil awakened from a million-year slumber to engulf Equestria under a blanket of destruction from which there is no escape?” A flurry of waving hooves accompanied that question, leaving Bismuth Display breathless and myself wondering once again just how the hell a quadruped can spontaneously wave half of its supporting limbs in the air without falling over.
“What? No! There’s th-“
“Then it’s not important enough to bother Twilight,” she once again cut us off while applying some very unwelcome pressure on our shoulders with her hooves. Wait, was she really pushing us towards the door?
-Oh hell no.
“Wait!” We objected, somehow at the exact same time Twilight did as well. The Lucky Charms marshmallow reject stopped pushing us and turned to her friend. The slightly disheveled unicorn continued: “Rainbow, would you please stop literally shoving guests out of my door?”
“Twilight, I’m sure that whatever he wants, that pony is only going to stress you out and you don’t need that today. You know I’m only looking out for you, right?”
Twilight sighed, her head lowered in defeat as she spoke. “I know, I get it, I need to calm down.” She tried to straighten her mane with a hoof, only to accidentally hit her horn. She winced and put the leg back down, looking at it as if it had personally offended her for a moment, before letting out a short but vigorous sigh. “You’re right, Dash.”
-Now would be a good time to speak up, dude.
She then turned to us, a look of strained sympathy on her face. “Look, some ponies told me you had been acting… weird lately.”
-You got her attention. Say something.
--I don’t even know what to say anymore!
“And while I don’t doubt there could be something troubling you, from what I can gather it sounds like something out of my field. I-“
“No, wait! It’s not what you-“ we tried to interject, only to be counter-countered by the streak of leprechaun barf.
“Look, buddy, we all know you’re going insane for some reason, and it’s def-“
“Rainbow! Don’t call him insane, that’s very rude!”
Reflection-and-refraction-of-light-in-water-droplets rolled her eyes and answered “Sane ponies don’t talk to themselves, Twili-“
“I talk to myself sometimes!”
The awkward silence that followed Twilight’s statement was only broken by an affirmative “She sure does.” from Spike, who was now busy dusting the bookshelves from the top of a wheeled ladder elsewhere in the room. The general effect of this apparently new revelation on Gasoline-spill-in-water was a weird scrunching-up of her nose, as if she was physically holding back words that she knew she shouldn’t say.
“Aaaanyway,” she finally half-shouted, both visibly and audibly embarrassed, “you just take this and good luck.”
Funny how sometimes we both think the same thing, and Silver ends up saying exactly what I’d say if I was in control. “Wait, what? What is that?”
‘That’ was, at first glance, a tiny rectangular card, mostly white but sporting a little logo and some black lettering that we didn’t have time to read between the time Color Wheel Junior took it from a nearby table and the moment she inserted it in our mane.
“It’s the business card from this good friend of mine,” Twilight explained while Paintball Aftermath resumed pushing us towards the door. “She’s a psychologist who just recently opened a clinic here in Ponyville and I’m sure she’d appreciate the business. Who knows, maybe you just need someone to talk to!”
-Holy shit this can’t be serious. Say something you fucking boob!
--Do you even have a suggestion or are you just going to boss me around? I don’t know what to say now!
The door opened gently under the influence of Twilight’s magic, allowing Daltonism Test to make us clear the threshold. The door slammed shut behind us, and we were left standing in front of the library, a dumbfounded look on our face.
Then the door opened again, and an embarrassed First Grade Art Project took the pile of books from our back while saying “Oops, forgot those, heh-heh. Bye!” before slamming the door again.
Then it opened again, this time only letting a blue hoof slip through long enough to hang a ‘closed’ sign.
And then we were just standing there, a familiar heat rising in our chest. A little shake was enough to make the card fall from our mane, and Silver caught it. Carefully balanced on our hoof, it read:
Serene Smiles
M.D. Ph.D
Psychologist
Followed by the address.
--…supposed to do? I can’t convince them of something when I can’t get a word in! Why was she here anyway? Oh sure they’re friends but now they both think I’m insane and all I had to say to that was ‘urrr’ and now that’s another chance to get someone to fix this gone down the drain and I’ll probably never get another one now that they think I’m insane I I… Was I really that obvious? Did I really make such a show of myself that ponies went to the effort of coming here to complain? They think I’m crazy it’s already useless they already think I’m insane and anything I could ever say to explain this would only ever make me sound even worse I…
I couldn’t think of anything to say at that point, besides something along the lines of ‘fucking rainbow bitch’. I couldn’t believe we had just been turned around by some kind of living impersonation of the Rio Carnival. We’d just lost another chance to find a solution to this, and it was probably our last one. I hated to admit it, but Silver was almost certainly right to think that if they already believed he was insane there was no way he’d convince them otherwise by confessing to hearing a voice in his mind.
Another bit of hope dead.
I didn’t really know who to hate most right there; Silver for being a bitchy little doormat, that stupid color palette for being an asshole, Twilight for agreeing with her, or just the entirety of existence for apparently having some kind of grudge against me?
Or maybe I was somewhat to blame? Was it really a good idea to push his buttons all the time like that? Probably not if it just made him look like a mental patient. Oh fuck this was all my fault wasn’t it? Why couldn’t I just keep quiet when he asked? Why did I have to be such an idiot all the time?
Argh! Why couldn’t I at least have been sent here in my own private body? Why did I have to be stuck as a fucking back-seat driver where my asshole tendencies were bound to be brought out by boredom and powerlessness? God damn it I just wanted to be able to do something, anything! I wanted to be in control of my own fucking life for once! Why was this so hard? Let me breathe by myself, let me move my limbs when I want to! Let me have my own anger, goddamn fucking world! Let me fucking scream when I fucking want to!
“RrrrraaAAAAARGH! Fine!”
Silver ground our teeth to prevent himself from screaming any more, biting into the little business card as he stomped our hoof back down.
--So they think I’m insane? I’ll show them!
-Woah wait what? What are you-
--I am going to go see that stupid doctor, I’ll get her to certify that I’m not insane, and then I’ll come back here, and tell her about you, and she won’t have any excuse for not believing me!
He started walking, turning left at the first intersection in order to head straight towards the indicated address.
-That’s an extremely stupid plan.
--Oh, yes, because trying the sensible solutions has worked out so damn well for us already!
-Okay now you’re just being an idiot! You didn’t try much of anything besides talking to that unicorn; how is that a plurality of solutions?
--Stop trying to argue about this! I don’t care! I just want to do something right now instead of just waiting another whole stupid day! Isn’t that what you want?
-Well, yeah, but-
--Well then it’s settled! We’re going to therapy and that’s it!
-No, it’s not settled at all! Do you even understand how many parts of your little ‘plan’ can backf-
--Hey did you just hear the word ‘pumpkin’ or was that just me?
-Don’t you fucking start with the goddamn pumpkins!
--PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKI-
-GAH FINE! I’m shutting up now!
Well, good thing he was just as pissed as me, as the way he stomped every step like he was trying to crush bugs under his hooves was exactly the kind of behavior I felt like exhibiting at the moment. Acting like a petulant child is surprisingly cathartic, no wonder they do it all the time.
Still, the bright sun, the act of walking around, and the increasing awareness of just how childish we must have looked slowly melted our shared frustration.
--…Hey, look. Maybe I could try telling that psychologist about you. I mean, not as the first thing I do when walking into her office or anything, but maybe after a while…
-Yeah, I’m not sure about that. I don’t know about here, but where I’m from telling a psychologist that you’re hearing voices usually ends in either a bunch of medication or a trip to the mental hospital. That wouldn’t really help us, now would it?
“Hrm…”
--Well, at least she’d be bound to secrecy anyway, with that patient-doctor confidentiality thing, right?
-Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything about your horse laws!
--Well I’m sure she would. Oh hey, here we are.
We sure were. Apparently the clinic was located directly next door to the Ponyville hospital, if the big white sign with a cross-and-hearts symbol bearing the words ‘Ponyville Hospital’ in front of a large building to our right was any indication.
Or it was a hardware store or something. Assumptions hadn’t gotten me very far in this world up to that point.
The psychologist’s clinic/office thing was a simple two-story brick building, surrounded by a few hedges and a ring of young trees that would probably one day make a cozy blanket around the place. I thought it just looked too new for now.
--Oh yeah, that place. I remember reviewing the plans for this building a few months ago. Huh. Looks better than I thought.
-You’re not going to back down from this, aren’t you?
--Nope.
-And you still think it’s a good idea?
--Yep.
-I’d seriously roll my eyes right now but whatever. I don’t have any other suggestions except ‘just go back to Twilight and insist’, so yeah. Might as well do this.
What was it I said about ‘might as well’ again? I think I was wrong.
For anyone wondering at home, Bismuth:
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1f/Wismut_Kristall_und_1cm3_Wuerfel.jpg
3.bp.blogspot.com/-dvaGgdiiJyI/UgtdWzZHMxI/AAAAAAAAFF0/93jR0nEUIV4/s1600/what.jpg
This day should not be a holiday. fuck you Hallmark
MAKE A STORY "The adventures of dave the worm"
4168095 Psych wards are very very very dangerous, I faintly recall one 'study' where a professor had his students admit themselves into separate wards and then simply tell them that their professor made them do this, it took each of the students between a week and a month to be let out.
Is it bad that I now want a chapter of Dave the Worm God getting into Rainbow's head to mess with her?
Well this is going well.
A fear of rejection
tends to create a fear of solitude.
With little grace, your bliss shall shatter
and so you will rust away.
Awaiting further releases.
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8127922944/h314782ED/
...owt ro eno ronim a dessim ev'dluoc yeht tub ,sdroL metsyS eht lla fo erac koot 1-GS nrows ev'dluoC ....yas uoy dog mrow a...
After laughing some... Ok, more than some. Agreeing with others, I'd read the worm-god. That premise is crazy enough.
As for the actual chapter, these two guys really can't catch a break now, can they?
And... Rainbow shouldn't do any work that has treating other people in it. Like... well, being a libarian.
Ok, I am a dirty shipping peasant, so I think it would be a fun source of even more confrontation and insanity if Dave developed amorous feelings for a certain prismatic athlete that like him, has a bit of a temper.
This coupled with a growing, sporadic control of Silvers body could serve to make Silver even more insane, especially since Silver himself has his eyes set somewhere else. All the while more and more ponies become certain Silver is certifiably schizofrenic.
Not to mention the possible gradual mental breakdown Dave experiences as he suspects that to much Pony is seeping into his mind via Silver and blames his infatuation on him.
Just a possible suggestion for down the line if you find yourself wondering how to make Silvers life more miserable. Poor lily-livered stallion.
You got me there for a minute. Then I remembered what day it was.
4168595 I fucking know I fucking know I was about to puke in horror and anger
4168460 So I think i got the jist of what this says
… I like the joke ending, my friend! I applaud you for creativity, but right now, I am more concerned with how those two are going to convince somepony that our human friend is real… I crunched some numbers, and I've got… a 36.4 (continuing, of course)% chance it'll work...
I finished this chapter and I was like... Whut? Then ya... April Fools! I must say you really got me there :) great execution to an evil holiday.
that was...different then most.
Really?
dude, didn't even get me. Second Twilight said, "is it's name Dave" i figured it out. Seriously. worst, April Fools joke ever.....of all time.
4168314
Things.
4168315
A group of unrelated people engaging in similar activities on a certain day for no other reason than it being 'that day' does not necessarily make that day a holiday... Okay maybe it does. Are April fool's cards really a thing?
...I probably shouldn't be asking questions today, I think...
4168320
The Worm God.
4168369
Well, that wouldn't make a very interesting story, would it?
We don't need a second, lesser "Asylum" anyway. So, don't worry, they won't actually get institutionalized.
4168440
Actually, I think It's only natural to want that.
I'm not sure i'd like to do this myself, but it must be fun!
Never was one to celebrate April fools. Like, never. Then I became a brony. Now it's a national flipping holiday... Love the enthusiasm, I think I might just be experiencing culture shock...
4168904 At least it came with a full chapter... right?
Sonuva... I keep falling for these April Fools jokes, and it's getting ridiculous.
I actually thought that it was the real chapter at first and was about to rage that you went from a great story to worm god.
4168958 Yes. Yes they are.
4169118
Yep, if it WAS a strait up joke, i'd be raging. so we all good.
Two things: the second she knew his name, I facepalmed and scrolled down to the author note. As an April's fool, it wasn't particularly good or bad. Just sorta predictable.
As for the actual chapter, I just want to bash Rainbow Dash's head in. She seriously pissed me off that much. On the plus side, she pissed me off because I could buy that it was her, Rainbow Dash, the actual character, saying all that. So I guess that's a compliment.
Still, now I think I will go read freaking Cupcakes as a catharsis!
...
...What have I become?
Dave the Worm God...
Hmm, yes, I accept this reality.
4168452
Is it intentional to have the first letter of every line of your comment spell out "Wat waa"?
4168453
Oh my god this is now my new favorite gif of all time.
4168460
?lanoitnetni ton yllatot er'yeht nehw ffuts ym ni wonk I sgniht ot secnerefer gnidnif peek enoyreve seod yhw
4168495
Thanks!
4168516
I indeed did not miss the irony that Dave basically hates the one pony who is most like him among the mane six.
4168540
But I wrote it in 2013! Doesn't that disqualify it?
4168595
Ah, yes. Fun day. I especially like the fact that I barely planned for this.
4168652
Sorry for making your stomach churn.
4168734
Me too.
4168752
Well now that's for me to worry about, and for you to eventually find out.
4168778
Yeheheheh. I accomplished something.
4168802
That's what happens when I just don't have the friends or the patience to switch profiles with, like everyone else seems to do today for some reason.
4168835
I guess so.
4168904
Let it be known that I never claimed that I was a genius. I still believe the worst April fool's pranks involve random property damage of some kind. At least I didn't do that.
4169036
The prank I did, or some of what happened in the story?
4170205 BEING A VOICE IN A HEAD, SOUNDS FUN, could probably drive someone insane.
4169112
Yeah, this is seriously the first time I ever devoted time and effort to April fool's. I'm not even fully sure of what possessed me to do that.
4169190
Shhh. It'll all be over soon...
4169242
PINKIE IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.
4169283
At least I chose a concept that was outlandish enough to be hard to believe.
4169298
Oh god, they must be the most stupid, inane things in the entire world.
4170249 A guy in a fur suit is my spirit animal.
4169310
Yay!
4169477
Wow, you're right. Thank you! I fixed it right away!
4169776
Mixed-feelings-yay?
But yeah, I'm relieved that at least one reader didn't see her as over-the-top OoC jerkass. I was a bit worried about that.
4170005
So you won't substitute your own?
4170243
Ah, okay. It would probably not be a good idea, though.
4170344 No need. I've posted my own reality a few minutes ago.
4170249 Whatever your reasons, Thanks for having a full chapter ready at the same time! Joke chapters are sometimes funny, but more often disappointing. Having both at the same time is confusing but appreciated!
First I was thinking this was an honest chapterThen I was thinking 'Damnit, another joke', and finally I got to enjoy the joke and chapter.
Better than many.
Yeah, I figured that, with a story that's this funny, an update on APRIL FOOL'S DAY was bound to have a prank for us readers. Plus, when I reached the end of the fake chapter, I looked at the scroll bar, and it was WAY too small and WAY too far up for that to be the end.
You weren't fooling this guy
4168958
Dang, I always keep forgetting that people put significance on the first of April.
4168315 Fuck you and your uncalled for hate of my birthday.
Seriously fuck you, your mother, your father, and the rest of your close and extended family. Because anyone whoever said they loved you was wrong.
4170981 Its your birthday to? Hmm. Why so angry? I am not much of a fan of this holiday either.
4171209 You want to know why I'm fucking angry because I'll fucking tell you, three years ago today I suffered the single most humiliating thing that had happened to me, or since. First let me say this, I've never been the most attractive of people nor have I had the greatest self confidence so it took a lot of courage to do what I did in the first place, I asked one of the hottest girls in my high school out on a date to the movies. She had surprisingly said yes and like that I had a date on my birthday, things were actually going great for me until I got to the theater. I showed up and there she was standing outside it looked like she was alone but in reality she wasn't, as I walked up to her this dick came out of nowhere and slamed a pie in my face while another came up behind me and pantsed me before the first guy pushed me into the fucking snow. So yeah there I was on my back in the snow with my pants pulled down to my ankles and cherry pie filling on my face and my favourite clothes while everybody just fucking laughed at me, on my fucking birthday. So yeah I'm angry because instead of being happy on my birthday I'm reminded of that bitch that thought it yould be funny to get her friends to humiliate a kid with an antisocial disorder on his fucking birthday.
4170344
I hug you for two reasons:
1. I enjoy a good April Fool's Day prank-chapter, and this is one of the better one's I've read today.
2. The actual chapter made me laugh just as hard as the prank-chapter.
4170076
...No, actually.
i.imgur.com/VarEYkM.gif
Well played, sir, well played.
I read the chapter... My reaction: (The reveal) (Second read of the reveal) (The WTF just before the author's note.)
4171416 I can't offer much but my condolences. That is truly despicable behavior.
4171416
So because you suffered a cruel "prank" on Aprils Fools day...
you dislike people who think you should not play pranks on said date