Venture Into Dark

M4Tiger4014 #1 · Mar 15th, 2021 · 6 · 2 ·

While I’m very sorry that you’re doing this not because you want to but more because you have to, this was amazing. 10/10.

happytime27

happytime27 #2 · Mar 15th, 2021 · 8 · ·

Reply

How the hell did yo do this so fast? Talented and fast? Yo deserve all the money my man. Best of luck with the rest

Alessandro

Alessandro #3 · Mar 15th, 2021 · · ·

Reply

Voglio un sequel

SkarletIce

SkarletIce #4 · Mar 15th, 2021 · · ·

Reply

Literally all I've ever wanted.

Captain_Hairball

Captain_Hairball #5 · Mar 16th, 2021 · 1 · 10 ·

Reply

the lavender Alicorn

LUS in the first sentence. Someone hasn't read the style guide.

Buster Knutt Reborn

Buster Knutt Reborn #6 · Mar 16th, 2021 · 3 · ·

Reply

10724810

Piece of advice: don't use acronyms or shorthand without an explanation. Not everyone will know what they mean.

On top of that, the expression 'Lavender Alicorn' is used once throughout the entirety of the work. The style guide mentions it as avoiding relying on the same descriptors over and over again and names it as a specific example.

Here's also an excerpt from the style guide: "Not every word or phrase that isn’t a “Twilight” or a “she” is an example of LUS – it’s all about context. In some circumstances, little things like “her friend” or “the other mare” can be an appropriate way to refer to a character, but again, context. The big problem with calling Twilight a lavender unicorn every time you get tired of using her name is that her being lavender or a unicorn is usually quite irrelevant to the passage in which you’re reminding us of that, so the descriptor comes off as flowery, distracting and completely unnecessary."

Focus on it's calling out of repetition of irrelevant descriptors and not the use of the descriptor itself.

Captain_Hairball

Captain_Hairball #7 · Mar 16th, 2021 · · 8 ·

Reply

10724874

Blah blah blah I used a cliche in the first sentence and I'm going to be a snot about it.

Piece of advice: don't use acronyms or shorthand without an explanation. Not everyone will know what they mean.

It's the internet they can look it the heck up.

Buster Knutt Reborn

Buster Knutt Reborn #8 · Mar 16th, 2021 · 5 · ·

Reply

10724910

Blah blah blah I called someone out on something my own example proves me wrong about and now I'm gonna be a snot about it.

Captain_Hairball

Captain_Hairball #9 · Mar 16th, 2021 · 1 · 6 ·

Reply

10724932

The basic core of the idea of LUS is never use epithets unless you absolutely have to.

By referring to characters with descriptors, you take the reader away from them. There’s a leap of logic that needs to be made from “Princess Celestia’s personal protégé” to “Twilight Sparkle”, and although it’s a very small, almost unnoticeable leap for most readers, it’s still big enough to distract them from the character interaction taking place.

You can take elements of the description out of context to make is seem otherwise, but you're still wrong.

Buster Knutt Reborn

Buster Knutt Reborn #10 · Mar 16th, 2021 · 5 · ·

Reply

10724939

I'm not 'taking elements out of the description', I'm posting the fact that even the style guide mentions that not every case of descriptors is LUS and it relies entirely on the context, and the context is egregious overuse. I posted a literal quote from the style guide with no changes, you're just choosing to ignore the fact it exists.

Here's another quote:

You’ll recall that earlier on I mentioned that “by referring to characters with descriptors, you take the reader away from them”. Sometimes, this can be what you want to do. Substituting names from descriptors is a good way to zoom the reader out from their more intimate engagement with the story, and have them look at the big picture for a moment.
And then there’s the case where a character isn’t named (yet). So if, say, you have a story from Trixie’s viewpoint and she runs into Fluttershy, it would make sense to call Fluttershy “a yellow pegasus” when she first appears, and then just “a pegasus” until she introduces herself. Or if you have a nameless background character, it makes sense to call her “the grey pegasus” or “the green unicorn” the sole time you refer to her. As the rule above states, named characters should be referred to by names.

At this point in the story where this line is treated as an establishing shot, we haven't properly been introduced to Dusk. Again, this style guide you keep selectively referring to has numerous passages explaining why it's 100% fine to use these descriptors and that they only become an issue when relied on as a crutch to prevent name repetition. The line 'lavender Alicorn' is used *once* directly at the beginning during the establishment of the scene, and is then *never* used again, which is the exact opposite of what the guide refers to as LUS.

Captain_Hairball

Captain_Hairball #11 · Mar 16th, 2021 · 6 · ·

Reply

10724948

I have been a complete and utter cock here and I apologize.

Cerulean Starlight

Cerulean Starlight #12 · Mar 16th, 2021 · · ·

Reply

And I do feel the point that Captain Hairball was getting at: The epithet did distract me from the , and didn't quite serve the purpose of an establishing shot; a story's first sentence can really use care. I think an ideal place to describe his body would be to work such details into a paragraph(s) that's already narrating something about his body, rather than on the end of a 'said' tag. You definitely don't need to rush to tell us his fur color and race; I might bet that everyone who's read this fic went in already knowing what Dusk/Twilight looks like.

Hamburgertime

Hamburgertime #13 · Mar 17th, 2021 · · ·

Reply

10724910
I googled various phrasings of 'what is a Lus' and never got anything related to writing, could you please let me in on it?

Buster Knutt Reborn

Buster Knutt Reborn #14 · Mar 17th, 2021 · 1 · ·

Reply

10725237

No worries, homie.

Nillin

Nillin #15 · Mar 17th, 2021 · 1 · ·

Reply

10725861
LUS is "lavender unicorn syndrome." It refers to authors overly using the phrase "the lavender unicorn" when referring to Twlight in the third person

Shilo_Yuuga