“Well, that doesn’t look good at all.” Mirage said, looking down from the Phoenix Nest Mesa, scowling through a set of binoculars at a sandstorm barreling down on Appaloosa.
“Yeah, it’s an inside slider; those are the most unpredictable.” Tumble Weed observed grimly, squinting in the glaring sun,
“Well time to get to work.” Filly the Kid said, shaking the dust out of her mane, trotting in place, and stretching out her wings warming up for another sandstorm drive.
“Right so here’s the plan: Kid, Silver Lining, Crazy Wing, and Sand Blast you all hit it from this side. Tumble Weed and I will steer it from the front. We’ll drive it through the orchards, Brayburn may not like it, but that’s what he gets for building a town in a canyon that only has one offshoot to channel all the weather through.” Mirage said as he pulled his goggles down,
“I don’t have a good feeling about this one, boss. Remember how close we came to being flung into the canyon walls last time we did this? This storm looks exactly the same as the last one.” Crazy Wing said watching the sandstorm swirl irregularly “
Tumble Weed glanced over at Crazy Wing in surprise; Crazy Wing never got nervous. What did it mean for the rest of the Dusty Bolts if Crazy Wing had second thoughts about the sandstorm drive? That was a bad sign, “The circumstances were different. If Filly the Kid hadn’t decided to dive headlong into that storm, none of that would have happened.” Tumble Weed stated, attempting to settle the mood he felt falling on the team.
“Hey, you can’t argue with results! That storm was going to hit Appaloosa if everypony was just going to sit around!” Kid shouted defending herself,
“What we really need are more team members. I mean seven pegasi for the entire Appleoosan basin? I thought Celestia’s offer of 100 cubic acres of sky to any pegasi willing to work the weather in Appaloosa would have brought more support from other weather pegasi.” Sand Blast tiredly said with dark rings under his eyes after his night of weather watch.
“Well it’s not our choice, ponies depend on us. We can’t have everything we want like the Wonder Bolts; we’re on our own out here.” Mirage said voice saturated with cynicism, what Sand Blast had said was true, but it didn’t change the facts. The whole situation was all bucked up; he should have never pulled Sand Blast for this drive, but he couldn’t do it without him.
“Ciders on me when we finish this job.” Silver Lining bubbled in her regular cheerful voice, breaking the downward spiral of the conversation in the way only she could.
“Buck yeah!” Crazy Wing hollered launching himself into the air, brown eyes gleaming and a mile wide smile plastered on his face.
Following his lead the rest of the team fell in on their bravest stunt flier shouting and hollering like lunatics, that was just the way they did business, throwing caution to the wind they flung themselves at the sandstorm in equal lunacy. This was their three hundred fiftieth sandstorm since the groundbreaking of Appleoosa; the townsponies watched them blazing down the face of the mesa and pass over Mane Street in flawless formation. They didn’t need smoke the dust had permanently embedded itself in their manes, ponies always knew when they were coming from their dust trails.
The townsponies flung their hats in the air and hollered back at the Dusty Bolts, “Yippie kai yay! Gwan get em’ colts!”
Little did they know the horrible feeling of apprehension the Dusty Bolts couldn’t shake about this dust drive, how could they? The Dusty Bolts were their heroes, larger than life and proud citizens of Appaloosa, their neighbors. They could handle anything, this was business as usual as far as they knew.
The sandstorm was three miles out and closing fast, they had to channel it down the Apple Chute as they called it which was half a mile out of town which didn’t leave much leeway for mistakes, not only that but they had to channel the storm as best as they could through the Bison stampeding path down the center of the orchards to prevent damage to the crops.
After three hundred fifty drives they had developed a system that worked reasonably well. It was the same system as any other weather team in any other town of Equestria but it required more work from them for lack of Pegasus.
The sandstorm filled their field of vision as they hurtled toward it then they hit the turbulence with the roar of the wind in their ears Mirage gave the hoof signal for his Dusties to fall in a column, Mirage and Tumble Weed in front with Crazy Wing, Kid, and Silver Lining stacked up behind Sand Blast drafting behind the rock steady tank of a Pegasus.
Once they were close enough to the sandstorm Mirage gave the hoof signal for Sand Blast's team to break off, but they already had, at this point it was like the Dusty Bolts could think for each other. Sand Blast threw his shoulder at the side of the storm while the others flipped over using their momentum to carry their back hooves in for a square buck at the sandstorm.
Mirage and Tumble Weed had the most dangerous job of steering the sandstorm, and the best place to steer a sandstorm is from the front. The trick was to slow the sandstorm down enough to control it without accidentally pushing too hard and falling into it, so getting in front of the storm they flipped around and reared back with wings outspread forming a sort of pegasus wind wall. It felt like being strapped to the front of a freight train but eventually the sandstorm slowed down enough for them to begin to lean forward while holding the storm back with their rear legs and steer it in the direction of the stampeding path down the orchard canyon.
The unruly sandstorm shifted its course cleanly onto the stampeding path straight down the center of the orchard and away from Appaloosa. So far so good, in fact it was a text book drive.
Then it happened a tendril of the sandstorm reached out as if with a mind of it's own and flipped Tumble Weed head over hooves into the swirling mass, Mirage lost sight of him.
What to do, if he left his position he could endanger the lives of the ponies on the side by allowing the storm to drift their way from lack of pressure pushing them into the orchard but if he didn’t go Tumble Weed would be at the mercy of the sandstorm. It was out of his hooves now, he couldn’t sacrifice the lives of his team for one no matter how much he felt called to fly in after Tumble Weed. He had to trust in Tumble Weed’s flying ability.
On the other side of the storm the rest of the team were bludgeoning their bodies into the storm to keep it in check. Squinting through the dust Crazy Wing saw Tumble Weed flailing in the storm, without a second thought he careened in after him.
The last thought that crossed Crazy Wing’s mind before his vision filled with sand was, “I'm not going to survive this time.” Not only couldn’t he see but he couldn’t breathe, the sand forced its way up his nostrils and into his throat, he pulled his Dusty Bolt bandanna up to clear the air.
Just then he realized he was passing dangerously close to the orchard tree tops and upside down.
Fortunately he didn’t have to fly in search of Tumble Weed, the lanky pegasus crashed straight into him. Steadying himself with all the strength he had Crazy Wing flew Tumble Weed hoof over shoulder to the edge of the storm. Tumble Weed broke out of the storm just as Crazy Wings muscles failed him and he sunk back into the sandstorm.
He had seen this before, so he wasn’t afraid. Why wasn’t he afraid? Crazy Wing felt a tap on his head and suddenly the skies cleared to the brightest blue he had seen. He whirled around to see who had tapped him and there stood his brother Meteor who had been killed in the Pony, Griffon war. “It’s so good to see you I knew you’d turn out alright and you did.”
Outside the sandstorm the entire team heard the sickening crunch of pegasus against tree, although they couldn't see it they knew that Crazy Wing had bit the dust. Sand Blast made a dive to get him but Tumble Weed held him back, "Let me go, I've got to go get him!"
"You go in there now you'll wind up no better than him, we have to finish this drive and come back for him!"
Putting their feelings aside the team drove the sandstorm down the stampeding path and out into the San Palomino plains and Bison country. Then turning back as quickly as they could they spread out in a row and scanned the orchards for Crazy Wing. Silver Lining was the first to reach Crazy Wing’s broken body eyes wide and hooves over her mouth in shock as tears began to form. “Dear Celestia why him!?”
Mirage plummeted down next to her, “Keep it together Silver, look he’s still breathing where is the nearest medical professional?” Mirage asked Tumble Weed who pulled up in a cloud of dust.
“There's the Appleoosan Pharmacy but Apothecary won't be able to do anything for Crazy Wing, the closest clinic is on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest and Ponyville two hundred miles away, he’ll never make it, and the Doc there won’t be ready for this kind of trauma.” Tumble Weed said staring in horror at Crazy Wing.
“Well she better get ready she’s the only pony we have to look after Crazy Wing.”
“Buckin Wonder Bolts get their own team physician and our friend is dying because no doctor ponies want to rough it out here.” Filly the Kid complained coming in for a slow landing,
“Shut up just shut up!” Sand Blast screamed tackling Filly the Kid “I can't take it anymore I don't want to hear about what the Wonder Bolts have that we don't! Crazy Wing is dying AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING!”
The color drained from Kid’s face as she looked up at Sand Blast with grief stricken eyes, “I know… I’m sorry.”
“Take it easy Sand Blast.” Tumble Weed said putting a hoof on his shoulder. “You should go get some rest, you’ll feel better.”
“Rest, just how hard did you try to save Crazy Wing when you saw him falling back into the storm?” Sand Blast spat bitterly,
“Sand Blast you are way out of line! Go home and go to sleep now!” Mirage said throwing his hoof in Sand Blast’s face which was a full three hands higher than his.
“Yes boss.” Sand Blast growled glaring knives at Tumble Weed and staring down Mirage as he left.
“We’ve got to get Crazy Wing to that clinic.” Mirage said as Sand Blast left,
“I’ll do it, I’ll take him.” Silver Lining said wiping the tears from her eyes and setting her face in a scowl of resolve.
Mirage had never seen her like this before, then again they hadn't lost any pony before. “Are you sure Silver? Crazy Wing is a heavy pegasus and two hundred miles is a long flight without carrying any pony.” Mirage asked just as worried about her as he was about Crazy Wing,
“Let me do this.” Was all she said staring at something a thousand yards past him,
“Alright, we're coming with you.” Mirage said as he and Tumble Weed gently lifted Crazy Wing onto her shoulders where he flopped limply. Silver's knees shook but didn't buckle, “You let us know when you need us to take over for you.”
“Yes boss.” Silver said beginning to trot gaining speed for her take off. Flapping her wings with steady effort her hooves lifted off the ground. At first her flank lifted up over her head, but then she adjusted and set herself against Crazy Wing's weight.
The team formed up on her as they flew North West for Ponyville. It was a grim and silent flight, the only noise was Silver Lining's panting, but she never gave up.
The Dusty Bolts left Appaloosa early in the afternoon and flew into Ponyville well after nightfall, but with a full moon the landscape was as clear as day. Silver Lining came in for her landing but her legs and wings collapsed and she skidded into the farmyard around the clinic.
Mirage and Tumbleweed quickly picked up Crazy Wing and carried him over to the door pounding the arrival of their injured friend. A yellow mare with long pink hair and sad eyes answered the door,
“Oh my…” she exclaimed quietly as Mirage and Tumble Weed carried him in to a table and explained the situation, it didn’t sound good. “Well you see I’m not actually a certified nurse or a doctor but I’ll do what I can.”
Silver Lining lay panting where she had landed, the rest of the team stood around waiting anxiously. Mirage and Tumble Weed came out once they were sure Crazy Wing was in good hooves, “Well team it was a rough day today, I know you all want to stay with Crazy Wing and make sure he's alright but we've done all we can for him, worrying about it won't change that. If we stay with him now we'll just be in the way, besides we're running on fumes as it is. We just need to calm down, so Silver I know you said the cider would be on you but you’ve done enough for today the ciders on me, that’s an order.”
“Yes boss.” She replied still catching her breath, just as the team was about to leave a shadow fell across the moon and Sand Blast came in for a landing.
“I thought I told you to get some rest.” Mirage said winding up to rip Sand Blast a new cutie mark,
“I know boss, but I couldn’t sleep not knowing what was happening with Crazy Wing, and after I cooled down I thought about what you said and you were right. It wasn’t any ponies fault it was just a bad storm that’s all.”
Mirage patted him on the shoulder, “Alright big dog, well Crazy Wing is as safe as he can be for now. We were going to Sweet Apple Acres to get some cider and kick back.”
“Will they be open at this time of night?” Filly the Kid asked skeptically,
“Don’t worry, me and Applejack go way back.”
“Heh heh that rhymed.” Silver Lining chuckled putting her usual smile back on.
The Dusty Bolts made their way to their favorite watering hole in Ponyville, like Filly the Kid had said the farm house was dark and quiet as they walked up. Mirage knocked on the door and there was movement inside, Applejack answered the door, her hair was a mess and her hat hung crazily off to one side as she looked at them through barely open eyes. “Merahge what in tarnation ya doin’ here at this hour?”
“I’m really sorry Applejack, but you know I wouldn’t bother you unless it was important, we’ve got some bad news.” Mirage explained apologetically,
“Mah house is yer house pardner, come on in and tell me bout it.” The Dusty Bolts filed in to the kitchen and Applejack put out the cider tumblers. It went without saying that the Dusty Bolts would be spending the night, they didn't have anywhere else to go this late at night. Besides it wouldn't be neighborly to turn them away especially when they looked like Tartarus.
Applebloom, Big Mac, and Granny Smith came down to see what the commotion was about.
“What’s goin’ on sis? Who are these ponies?” Applebloom asked rubbing her eyes,
“Applebloom these here are the Dusty Bolts fahnest flahrs on the frontier.” Applejack bragged pouring the team cider and cutting up a leftover pie.
“I think you mean the finest fliers in Equestria.” Filly the Kid said,
“Hey Kid have something on your withers there.” Silver Lining said mischievously,
“What where? I don’t see anything.” Kid said turning around trying to find what was on her withers.
“Don’t worry I got it.” Silver said brushing her wing over Kid’s withers and holding an apple chip in her hoof, “You had a chip on your withers.” She said tossing the chip in her mouth. Big Macintosh and Sand Blast fell over with house shaking laughter Granny Smith laughed so hard her dentures fell out, Mirage and Applejack pounded on, the table hardly able to breath.
It wasn't that the joke was that funny it was just a distraction from the obvious fact that they might loose a dear friend that night and none of them wanted to think about that, so they enjoyed the laugh while they could.
As every pony calmed down and brushed the tears from their eyes, Applebloom looked around in bewilderment and said, “Ah don’t get it.” Which put every pony in hysterics once again,
“Don’t worry bout it sugar cube.” Applejack chuckled, then responding to Filly the Kid she said, “Ah wouldn’t say best flahers in Equestria, the best flaher is Rainbow Dash from raght here in Ponyville.”
Not wanting to back down Kid stuck to her claim, “Well he can’t be that good, I’ve never heard of him.”
Mirage gave Applejack a knowing glance, “Kid why is your mouth always faster than your wings? Rainbow Dash is not a colt she’s a mare, and she has twenty percent more speed and skill than you will ever have. If you actually wanted to be a good flier you’d take all the effort you put into running your mouth into training.”
Kid’s face turned as red as Big Macintosh as she turned around and left her cider and pie on the table.
“I’ll take care of her boss.” Silver Lining said picking up her and Kids cider and following her out to the back porch.
Moving out into the cool night air the moon was just beginning to set and it was brighter than ever, Silver took a seat and watched Kid trot back and forth getting angrier and angrier with each pace.
“I don’t know why every pony puts me down like that all the time, I work just as hard as any other pony on the team, it seems like I can’t say or do anything right! First Sand Blast then you and then Mirage! WHAT THE BUCK!?” Silver Lining just continued to watch her, “What does every pony want from me? Do they want me to work harder? Do they want me to be a better flier? Do they want me to shut my mouth? I try so hard!”
“We know, we can see it.” Silver Lining finally responded, “Honestly for a filly you really try too hard. Most fillies your age don’t have half the responsibility or guts that you do. Ever since your parents,”
“Don’t you talk about my parents!” Kid cut Silver off, “I may not know what it takes to be a good weather Pegasus but you will never know what it’s like losing your parents as a filly!” Filly the Kid paced for a little more then started choking up, “I don’t know what to do, I really don’t know what to do. I never even knew them.” She said throwing her arms around Silver sobbing.
“I think we should get some rest, it’s been a bad day for all of us.” Silver said returning Kid’s hug, “Things will seem better in the morning.” As Silver and Kid headed back in the others had already finished their cider and pie and for lack of sleeping arrangements crashed on some blankets on the living room floor. But there were voices coming from the porch swing out front,
“It really is good ta see ya agin Merahge, Ah jus wish ye were here under better circumstances.” Looking through the front window Silver and Kid saw Mirage and Applejack silhouetted against the moon on the porch swing, Applejack leaned back into Mirage and Mirage with his wing around Applejack just watching the moon go down.
After a while Mirage said, “Yeah, me too.” Kid opened her mouth to say something but Silver covered it with her hoof and shook her head. They left Mirage and Applejack alone and went to bed.
Author's note: I know it's been a while since my last story, this one has been in the lab for the past few days, I've been working on multiple stories at once and I had a big move recently. Enough of my excuses, this story seems a bit rough to me, I had to fight to get past my typical writer's blocks and I still don't know how I'm going to finish this one. I'm working on the second chapter right now, but can't guarantee a quick submission, let me know what you think. Should I keep submitting stories or shut up?
Good story. It kept me involved until the end.
My only criticism is that you need to get it edited for grammar. There are many repeating mistakes, and while they don't really take away from the story, it would make the story MUCH easier to read, as well as a little clearer. Simple things, like making a new paragraph for every switch in dialogue, putting in semicolons, and shortening your sentences can go a long way!
If you can finish this story, you should.
I look forward to more, if you have it.
1215752 'Preciate it, I'll do what I can about the grammar. I often have that trouble allot of my stories write themselves and I have to keep up or I loose focus and leave it half finished. Give me a heads up when you put out some stories, I'm always looking for new inspiration.
Review, as requested:
You have problems with the description: "I'll bet you never heard of the Dusty Bolts before, here in Appaloosa we consider them the best fliers in Equestria. Being on the frontier we can't substantiate the claim, but we can say that after seeing the Wonder Bolts come to town those poster ponies have nothing on the Dusty Bolts." Comma-spliced sentences; split: "before. Here in". I can't figure out what "Being on the frontier we can't substantiate the claim" means. Also, it doesn't talk about a specific person or a specific problem.
You have a serious problem with commas. Looking at the first 4 paragraphs I see 12 errors involving commas, missing commas, or things used instead of commas.
Reading further, there are comma problems in almost every sentence. You gotta get a book on grammar and study what it says about commas and sentence structure. Google "comma splice" for starters. There are some places where it looks like you left out a period that you must have known should go there. That indicates you aren't re-reading this carefully yourself before submitting it. By the time I submit a story, I've read the whole thing slowly and carefully two or three dozen times. Some people don't need to do that, but you need to re-read it more.
"They flung their hats in the air" - we can't tell immediately from what came before whether "they" means the Bolts or the townspeople, so start the sentence off with "The townsponies" so we don't have to stop and re-read it when we hit "and hollered back".
The opening is mostly objective point of view (POV), not in any particular pony's head. Then it enters Tumble Weed's POV, then Mirage's POV, then omniscient POV ("Little did they know the horrible feeling of apprehension the Dusty Bolts couldn’t shake about this dust drive, how could they?") So you're using omniscient POV.
Each of them knew their job and moved like a well-oiled machine their teamwork was immaculate, all of their maneuvers were executed surgical precision even in the overwhelming wind. They had the art of controlled chaos to a science, at this point they had to use hoof signals to communicate. - It would be better to describe some specific maneuvers, and explain in what way their teamwork and flying is precise, and show them using hoof signals instead of telling us "they're using hoof signals."
"lassoed the sandstorm"? Doesn't seem like that would work, but it is a cartoon, so okay. This sets a kinda silly cartoony tone, so using it means you can't introduce grim or realistic stuff later on.
Then it happened Mirage should have known something always goes wrong with sandstorm drives, horribly wrong. You don't need to say this. Just describe what goes wrong.
What to do, if he left his position he could endanger the lives of the ponies on the other side by allowing the storm to drift their way from lack of pressure pushing them into the orchard We could spend our effort worrying rather than trying to figure out what's going on if you'd told us earlier where the dust storm is, where the orchard is, and where the ponies are.
“This is just like last time, I am going to die.” The way this was written, he's saying that last time, he died.
Silver Lining was the first to reach Crazy Wing’s broken body - you didn't describe Crazy Wing crashing into anything. Last we heard was "he sunk back into the sandstorm." Something happened. Either describe it, or explain that no one could see what happened, and then they saw him lying on the ground, etc.
The closest clinic is on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest and Ponyville two hundred miles away - seems unlikely. A frontier town needs a doctor. Somepony in town would have some kind of doctoring skill, or at least pretend they did.
What happened to the sandstorm? Did it move on through town?
Outburst from Sand Blast: Might be overdone. "Tackling" means starting a fight, and we don't see the fight--we don't see Filly the Kid (nice name, BTW, all the names are good) falling down. It would be too distracting here to have a fight anyway. Too many caps--have him scream just the most angry part of all this.
Sand Blast can't go home and rest. His friend is dying; he's going to stick around.
Mirage patted him on the shoulder, “Alright big dog, well Crazy Wing is as safe as he can be for now. We were going to Sweet Apple Acres to get some cider and kick back.” - I can't believe they'd do that.
“You had a chip on your shoulder.” She said tossing the chip in her mouth. Big Macintosh and Sand Blast fell over with house shaking laughter Granny Smith laughed so hard her dentures fell out, Mirage and Applejack pounded on, the table hardly able to breath. - It wasn't that funny.
The Bolts came into the Apple house intending to tell Applejack about their tragedy, but instead started telling jokes, laughing, and arguing about Rainbow Dash. They should be obsessed with what's just happened, grim, maybe quiet, maybe talking nonstop out of tension or panic, but not doing this.
“Well he can’t be that good, I’ve never heard of him.” Mirage gave Applejack a knowing glance, - You know you can't end a sentence with a comma. It sounds like Mirage is talking, which is very confusing. Indicate that Kid is talking.
It's very tricky to have FTK have a fit and breakdown over her personal issues while Crazy Wing is dying in the clinic under the care of somepony who isn't even a nurse.
They left Mirage and Applejack alone and went to bed. - They were never invited to spend the night.
General thoughts:
You need to learn correct grammar. Get a book or find a website and study it carefully. This isn't hard, but it's very important. Having perfect, Equestria-Daily-level grammar isn't important, but knowing what is and is not a sentence is important.
The idea of a pegasus flying group that's better than the Wonderbolts because they have dangerous weather to deal with regularly, instead of just flying for show, is a great starting point. I'd love to see a story where Rainbow Dash meets the Dusty Bolts, realizes that she'd become a better flyer by joining them than by joining the Wonderbolts but would never be famous, and has to decide whether she wants fame, or to be the best flyer in Equestria.
I think the number of ponies in your scenes has gone beyond the number you can keep track of. Not just where everypony is and what they're doing, but what they're feeling. Your ponies react to what just happened, but they have very short memories. They are emotional, but after they've said their one line expressing an emotion, they drop it and move on to the next plot point. You're not really getting into all your characters' heads. It may help to write something with fewer ponies in each scene, and to use a limited third-person point-of-view, so that you can more-easily get in the head of that one pony who's your viewpoint character. Google limited third-person point-of-view if you don't know what it means.
I get the feeling that you're making stuff up as you go along, rather than having an ending in mind and writing scenes that point us toward wanting that ending, but introduce problems that bring the characters further away from that ending. I recommend reading Jack Bickham's "Scene & Structure" for an explanation of how to choose the scenes that belong in your story depending on where you want the story to go.
Merry Christmas!