Doctor Who and the Voice of the Shadow

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A mysterious force is making ponies disappear in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle enlists the help of the Doctor, and his companions Zoe and Jamie, to find the creature, save her friends, and save Equestria from the monster's evil plans.

Chapters (11)

Chapter 1 · 3rd Sep 2012 · 1,053 words
1,053
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Chapter 2 · 10th Sep 2012 · 1,850 words
1,850
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Chapter 3 · 14th Oct 2012 · 1,706 words
1,706
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Chapter 4 · 13th Oct 2012 · 1,521 words
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Chapter 5 · 14th Oct 2012 · 1,232 words
1,232
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Chapter 6 · 16th Oct 2012 · 1,088 words
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Chapter 7 · 20th Oct 2012 · 800 words
800
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Chapter 8 · 27th Oct 2012 · 1,806 words
1,806
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Chapter 9 · 29th Oct 2012 · 1,020 words
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Chapter 10 · 31st Oct 2012 · 1,033 words
1,033
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Chapter 11 · 1st Nov 2012 · 1,671 words
1,671
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Comments ( 7 )

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Scribblestick

Scribblestick #1 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Hmm. An interesting start. I thought you did a decent job with the characters and the buildup to... whatever it was.

A word of caution: from what I've seen, 'shadows' don't fare very well on this site. As in, people like to reject them as overused, usually as OC names, and for good reason. They are overused and are usually associated with black-and-red alicorn Stu's. I don't know where you're going with this, but just keep that in mind.

Finally, grammar. Yours has some issues. Careful proofreading is the only solution. Also, you don't have to put every line of dialogue in it's own paragraph. So:

“No, no. This won’t do at all. It would be far too garish”
With a flick of her head, Rarity tossed it aside into a heap at the corner of the room.
“Besides,” she said, as she tossed her mane as she turned to her young apprentice.
“There’s not enough of it. I need it for matching outfits”

could be formatted as:

“No, no. This won’t do at all. It would be far too garish” With a flick of her head, Rarity tossed it aside into a heap at the corner of the room. “Besides,” she said, as she tossed her mane as she turned to her young apprentice. “There’s not enough of it. I need it for matching outfits”

with absolutely no problems.

While I'm at it, it should be punctuated like this:

“No, no. This won’t do at all. It would be far too garish.” With a flick of her head, Rarity tossed it aside into a heap at the corner of the room. “Besides,” she said, as she tossed her mane as she turned to her young apprentice, “there’s not enough of it. I need it for matching outfits.”

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Doublesims

Doublesims #2 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I like it and i'd like to see where this is going.

spartiecat

spartiecat #3 · Sep 3rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

1210434

Thanks for the tips! I'm not accustomed to writing dialog... or fiction for that matter.

that decepticon pony

that decepticon pony #4 · Sep 6th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Hey Spartiecat! I finally got around to the first chapter. Not bad. Good pacing, good suspense, and a very classic Doctor Who cold open. From a narrative standpoint you have a wonderful start, perfectly suited to the style of classic Doctor Who.

I didn't do a very close read for grammar and style, though I could if you like. What I did notice is some choppiness, especially in the sense that many of your sentences start and end with the exact same structure. This is not inherently bad, or else no one would know the name Hemingway. However, it can be a bit jarring and is probably not what you intended. One of the best ways to catch it is to read your own work aloud a few times.

Frankly, in a Doctor Who story, it doesn't stand out that much unless you're looking for it, since Doctor Who is a television piece and a choppy narrative style would be most evocative of a script. However, your comments on reddit made me think that you wanted someone to look for it, so there you are.

I would go on to Chapter 2 right now, but I am just not in the mood for something so dark as Doctor Who right now. I'll get to it eventually. Tell me if you'd like a more in-depth (or private) critique of what I've already read.

that decepticon pony