Welcome to my user page. I go by She/He pronouns, just choose one. Don't use they/zir please, it's confusing.
After Discord spread chaos and Sombra spread fear across the land, the land become hard to live on. It hurt Nightmare Moon heart, seeing ponies hard daily struggle. Nightmare Moon is not evil at all. All she wants is so ponies can live strong and happy. If there's the need to play an evil role, she would gladly do it. for her children of the night, any price she would pay. Therefore the Element of Harmony aren't needed.
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huh
10525325
okay, not something I expect for the first comment ever. but thank you for reading.
For a first time writer whose English is a second language, you've done a very good job of getting everything across. Yes, there are many errors in the grammar, but that's to be expected. Keep writing and keep learning, because you have made a very good start.
Not bad for a first time, but it's hard for me to appreciate the story with just an introduction.
P.S. do these events happen before or after going to the moon?
10525561
thank you for your kind word. i do wonder if i spoil Nightmare Moon a little too much, because thats the only way i know to build empathy for both of them.
10525711
thank you, it's before Luna banishment.
10525818
Nothing wrong with that, if that's the way you want to write it. Indeed, a similar idea was used in Bug On a Stick. I'd recommend you look at that story here on FimFic for some inspiration.
Another way of building empathy is to show *why* the charter thinks the 'evil' is the right way to do things. Example: we know that, in canon, jealousy was the cause of Luna/NMM's fall... but why? Did Celestia lord her popularity over Luna (as some siblings do)? Did the popularity cause 'Tia to ignore or brush off Luna? Giving the character an understandable and relatable reason is one of the best ways of building empathy.
I would suggest finding a writer's group in your city or country to help you build your skills. Do not worry too much over the translation, that will come with time and practice. Find an editor and/or proofreader, especially one that will be patient with you and be willing to explain why certain changes were made (not me, I'm not always accessable due to my job). As I said before, keep writing and learning, those are the best ways to get better.
They aren't needed.
10536172
Thanks!
Actually, only six ponies for an entier castle is a small amount.
Just saying.😞
Canterlot doesn't exist 1000 years ago.
I think it's (Canterlot didn't exist)
Hear is a link for the difference between the two:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.quora.com/Which-is-correct-Did-not-exist-or-Does-not-exist%23:~:text%3DBoth%2520are%2520correct...%2520in,but%2520then%2520began%2520to%2520exist.%26text%3D%2522Does%2520not%2520exist%2522%2520speaks%2520only,has%2520never%2520existed%2520at%2520all.&ved=2ahUKEwjt9NWCho_tAhVs5OAKHWYDDlAQFjABegQIBhAE&usg=AOvVaw0kiFSE-HVd8z-DopGhQjiT
10539818
actually, this is something that I'm not really sure, like how many people realistically guarding the castle, or how many people doing administration work, how many people doing research or medical attention. and then how many people are needed to prepare dinner for all of them. so yea, any suggestion?
And also thanks! already check the link and fix it.
10526266
sorry for the late reply, was taking my time reading 'Bug On a Stick'. though I still on chapter 12 (seriously though, putting random word that makes sense really make it hard to read). the thing about the said story is, as you said, really good building sympathy for the characters. I think I'm going to read 'CHRONICALS OF THE BLACK GUARD' after this, sounds good.
okay, that's a good idea. I thought building sympathy is like building likeability. So we could use another character genuinely like the character, or the character like the thing we like, or they have a good overall personality.
Thank you for considering my feeling. you are really a kind person. (and also I really hope all of this is doesn't sound sarcastic). so about editor and proofreader, I don't think I will ever ask someone. it's not like I was thinking I'm good, but I'm doing this for free and this is a lot of work. So, it's been my principle to not ask people to do something for free, and that's about it.
10539945
I say at least 20 people if it's for the entire palace.
Buckingham palace has around 400 people, including domestic servants, chefs, footmen, cleaners, plumbers, gardeners, chauffers, electricians, and two people who look after the 300 clocks
10542736
Thank you for the suggestion. I already did the necessary edit, so at least it makes somewhat sense. that tidbit information about 300 clocks sounds interesting. wonder how much the dude gets paid.
something I add into the story, I will leave it right here.
Don't mind the deleted comment. I just move it to chapter 1. right here.
I just realize the cover art, Nightmare doesn't have Teal-colored eyes. To be fair, there are not a lot of pics depicting Nightmare Moon as a wholesome pony.
I just got confused, who's mane lighter in tone?
And this just made me more confused
10549040
And I just find out that there is a celestia with pink mane in the cover art background
WHO CARES, GIVE ME THE NEXT CHAPTER
10549903
I mean, like their mane is lighter-toned blue than their coat just like Luna S1. so both Nightmare Moon and Luna have the exact same color of their coat and mane. can you help me rephrase that?
Now that I think about it, it really doesn't make that much sense huh.
10549912
(edit)Okay so, about that. I already have this rigid structure on what I want to do in each chapter. it only takes me like 2 hrs to plan it from the beginning of the story to the end of it. but the cruciating part of writing is doing the actual writing, well, the best I can do 3k words in 1 week.
thank you so much, it really honors me with you getting excited about this story.
10549903
“I believe the word you are looking for is ‘lonely’, doesn’t you?” Cherry Blossom nod, which Nightmare moon giggling at it. “No, this doesn’t change anything. That is maybe true that maybe I couldn't find my origin, Where did I come from. And the lack of explanation about me sometimes makes me feels lonely. But I have Luna! It is just one theory debunked is all.”
Is this make more sense?
10550397
“I believe the word you are looking for is ‘lonely’, isn't it?” Cherry Blossom nod, which Nightmare moon giggling at it. “No, this doesn’t change anything. That is true that maybe I couldn't find my origin and where did I come from. And the lack of explanation about me sometimes makes me feels lonely. But I have Luna! It is just one theory debunked is all.”
I take it that you wanted to tell us about N.M.M feelings about herself but you need a little more build up before you get to this point like:
"wouldn't that make you sad, not knowing where you came from and what you are?"
"Not sad but I believe the word you are looking for is ‘lonely’, isn't it?”
....
this just doesn't give enough depth to such conversation.
10550374
Don't worry, I'm just kidding, I know how hard writing is.
Just take your time, no need for rush
10550368
Just sey blue coat and light blue mane, why make it so hard?
And at this point Cherry Blossom know how Luna is so just say:
An alicorn mare with a blue coat and lighter tone blue mane revealed herself from behind Luna. Even though they have similar colors for their coat and mane, one of them has teal-colored slit-pupil eyes.
But don't let this small mistakes discourage you!
Your doing just fine, study a little english maybe?
10550625
Hmm, make sense. I Will work on it more.
10550633
I know you are joking. I just want to tell you about how I plan the entire story in 2 hrs and how it takes me 1 week just to write 3k words, lol.
10550649
Discourage? never! I mean why would I want to write, even when English is not my native, then not want to finish it because of some mistake. doesn't really make sense for me.
And also, what do you like about this story? you are the only one with enough patience with me. So that makes me wonder.
One more thing, is this writing is hard for you to understand? Even when grammar is bad, All I want is so people understand what I'm trying to say.
10550659
About your first question:That one sentence about N.M.M loving Luna put your plot on a another level.
And for your secand question:Not really,other than the ones I ask in comments of course
10550828
I will be honest with you, this story is one big rant for a fic called 'Your Human and You'. it just how the author tells the character 'Discord' is frustrate me real hard. and also, the Element of Harmony doesn't make any sense story-wise. Other than that, I just honestly want to learn about, not writing but, storytelling. Yup, grammar sucks.
10550828
Hey, thank you for liking my concept of NMM and Luna. I promise this would be a compelling story. at least that's how in my mind looks like. :P
10550828
Wait, you don't thinking this would be a ship between both of them right?
10550891
What do you mean???
10551508
I'm not planning to ship both of them, sorry. mostly because of the westermarck effect.
10551868
So your saying that N.M.M is in love with Luna but Luna is not in love with N.M.M🤔
10552314
they both love each other... as sibling.
i mean think of it like love between sibling.
so, not romantic kind of love, but platonic one.
10552353
Then I had one BIG misunderstanding, not gonna lie It disappointed me, still like the story.
OHHHHHH
But you really should work on that conversation, it gives the wrong message
10552839
You know what, let's just ship them. Even if it as disgusting as incest.
I hope I can make an actual poll, and ask people what they prefer between incest relationship or not. what do you think? should I just drop this and go with another story or something?
I will hold on to writing chapter 4.
10553639
In the end it's you who's writing the story so I think you should do what you like not what people like, it's not your fault if they don't like it.
It is much better then writing something you don't like.
10553788
Thank you!
And also, I'm so sorry. I thought I make it clear that they know each other even before they are five, which means the westermarck effect will be so strong between them. For me what makes incest bad is this westermarck effect.
But here's the thing, if their situation is different I would say NMM and Luna will make a good couple. I ship them. perhaps you found a story that ships them both? can you tell me?
Okay, let's get this over with.
Are you going to kill Water Lilly or not? cus for what I find out in your arthor note you're going to.
And some tips for you if you don't mind:
1.When someone is saying a sentence in a special way like here:
You should say if this is a serious sentence or a sarastic one.
2.It would be better if you write or show who's saying what, like this:
“I see. I’m sorry Luna, my answer is still the same.”
“Tsk, you cannot be serious, sister!”
“Look, we can’t risk our weakened kingdom. It’s for the best for ponies.”
“Ponies are dying, sister!”
“We will do something when that happens!”
“What! Are you seriously telling us to bring your pony dead bodies to you to make you realize! How much do you need! Huh! One! Or two! Or five!”
“You are being ridiculous, Luna!”
“That is my line!”
“No! Means no!”
“Ugh!”
This could make reading the conversation a lot easyer especially when Luna and N.M.M are both in one conversation like chapter three.
Until next time👋
10560944
1. this would be a spoiler, so read it with that in mind. of course not, I already build her empathy as high as I can. if I kill her, that means that would be a middle finger for all of the people who read my story. all the ponies that have a name in them, like Light Feather, Sweet Ace, Silver Shine, Sky Victory, Water Lilly, Cherry Blossom will NOT be killed. I guess my message on the author's notes is misunderstood. sigh
2. No, sorry. What I want is to learn how to make it sound sarcastic or serious without actually describing it. so there are 4 ways to tell a story. 1. dialogue, 2. describing, 3. action. 4. introspection. Now a lot of stories will be like describing and introspection dominating all of it. I don't want that. I want to learn to tell my story through dialogue and action.
3. Again, sorry. that would against the goal I want to achieve.
10561086
OH, So I thought exactly the opposite.
Something along the line of Water Lilly getting killed and N.M.M going mad because of it and the whole eternal night and stuff.
10561537
Well, it would make a good story. You know what, I would make that happen in the bonus chapter. Like, another universe alternate to this universe. Thanks for the idea.
And no, I'm not sighing because you thought exactly the opposite. it just, means there are more people who thought that way. which in turn, I do not communicate my message well.
I think I'm going to ship them on bonus chapter too. NodsNods
10562280
Looking forward to it then😉
10562709
Thanks to our conversation in the past, I figure out a way to ship them without making me cringe. so yea, this would be shipfic between Luna and NMM.
First of all, I'm not an editor, so these may be wrong, but I think you should check it out.
I know, but aren't you curious?
I am curious how it taste.
We're going to be the weirdest mercenaries ever.
Or
This is going to be the weirdest mercenary work ever.
The world of the souls
Well that's easy...
Well, being a mercenary might seem like a good idea.
)
Or
Well maybe being a mercenary does sounds good.(not sure about this one
You forgot the space between "moon" and "walk"
You could use "What?" instead of "Yea?" cuz you already used it once.
she should not be long
What's
OR
What is
Again, you forget to place IS
If the first sentence is from celestia you should first anwser her like:
Indeed, where were we? Right! Is there anymore excuse than your ponies?
She's talking to crowd so she must say (my little ponies)
by the way!
That could make a good sad moment, like Imagine when the elements blast NMM out of luna and luna can't find her after she wakes up so she start looking for her but can't find her so she start commanding her to come back but won't get an answer no matter how hard she tries
And what do you mean just 3 or 4 more chapter don't tell me your not going to continue till the end of the show
10571095
Thank you so much for taking your time typing this.
I'm not bothering to try to find me an editor because I don't like asking people for free.
10571102
Ohh! this is an absolute good idea for a bonus chapter. will write that down.
And also, i don't like a bloated story with meaningless shenanigans.
First chapter of 2021🎉
It's too late, but happy new year