Once upon a time, where Rane Shackleton was born in Cloudsdale in the year 1253. Her red fur coat from her father and her cute pink eyes were from her mother. She aged well, with her parents. At age three, she began to talk, age five she began to walk, age six she learned how to juggle, and at age seven she began her first clown circus act.
It was only just a small crowd of ponies of family members first. She had never got her cutie mark just yet. She then turned eight in the Fall of 1261. It was for her schooldays that she went to the little town called Los Pegasus.
Rane used her right hoof to hit the alarm clock. She rubbed her eyes with both hooves when she put words to thoughts, “So, this is it, isn’t it. I was the only foal in the household. However, when I always go to school things get out of hoof.”
After school grounds.
Rane used the right hoof to open her locker, a pony used its left hoof, and bash the locker towards Rane's face. She shut her eyes, “AHHH...” felt pain right on her face, and dropped on the floor on her right side. The pony who hit her face used lots of the saliva from their muzzle.
Rane felt a wet splat on her face. The partner who was there looked at her pathetic face, started to use the left back leg, and kicked her in the belly really hard. Rane tried to catch her breath however, she didn’t know how long it could last. The one pony stepped on her face and headed to her class room. The other stepped on her left leg and headed upstairs to her class room.
A strange blue pony appeared in the hallway, with a royal blue mane, and tail. The stranger walked up to her and put both of their hooves around her. They picked her up and walked straight to the emergency medical room.
“When I was almost feeling it, I couldn’t be such a pony anymore after four years. My parents sold me out to a royal family. It wasn’t how I wanted my life to be. The royal family kept me in good shape for six years of being a maid. Most of the family treated me kindly, the other half judged me as being a slave. The year of 1272 in the Fall when I was nineteen, when I made a heavy decision of my life.”
Rane walked out of the room, headed to the left, down the hallway of five doors, another hallway where she turned right, walked past seven doors, and opened the eighth room. No one was using it and she walked in. There she was grabbing the soap with her left, turning both of the valves. She walked over the edge where she felt a warm wet dripping water fast across her body. Her chain around her neck was tight and it made a clash sound. One way was to remember the happy times with her real mother and father.
“It was a great adventure with a few of my friends at the old school. Jeez I forgot how it felt before I went into this slave mess business. I wonder why my parents did it. Did they ever love me back? They must have been in debt or something. Well, now I live in the rich folk as a slave. The only thing was, I hope they don’t put me in prostitution.”
Rane used both hooves and turned the valves the opposite direction. The faucet had come to a stop, a fog of moisture in the air when she took a deep breath. In other words, she stepped out of the edge of the tub and grabbed a dry rag with her left hoof. She used both hooves and rubbed the rag left to right several times on the back side. Took part of the right hoof, let the left hoof lose, swung the rag on the right side, and grabbed it with the left. Her face went down onto the rag while she rubbed it up, down, left, and right.
“It was then I knew something must have come up on this very day, when the blue pony showed up when I was at the med clinic at the school. We both graduated however, when he looked at me, and gave me that smile of his. I don’t know why he smiled at me. For a moment I thought he might like me. I never knew he was a prince until I became a slave.”
The door had made a knocking sound.
“Hey! You're late hurrying up to dinner room.”
“I’ll be right there.”
After she dried off, she used her right hoof to grab the handle from the first drawer to the right, that was underneath the sink. She of course grabbed the comb and stroke left to right around her bangs, the rest of her mane, and then her tailed that took about two minutes each.
The prince was waiting for her in dinner room.
“So, it’s been seven years I kept her as a slave. I kept a promise to her parents that I would protect her from prostitutes. However, when she turns twenty-one, she will make a choice. Will she fall in love with me? The other royal families look up to me and most of them have different rules when it comes to slaves due to prostitution. Most of their rules are really horny compared to our family. Some royal families had a tendency of making them prostitutes when they first bought them while they were underage, older, or spot on at the age of eighteen. Those royal families make me sick if they go underage. I like to treat my slaves the way they should be treated fairly. My parents had some agreements on what I do. Sex is pretty high and addicting but, when it comes to truing romance there always a better way to make them like you.”
Rane walked in dinner room and picked the far end of the seat across from the prince himself.
Good story
10419600
Thank you!!! Working hard to get it right this time.
In my opinion, the pacing could use a little work. I personally would’ve woven this exposition dialogue when she comes to at the hospital, save the shower scene for giving Rane a chance to explore her psyche. The mind is one of the most vulnerable aspects of a character in my opinion, especially the protagonists.
While it might be out of your fic’s depth rating wise, look up stories of sex-trafficking victims. You’ll need it if you want to wring people’s hearts.
I am excited to see how this date turns out though! Definitely has potential! ^^
10439912
Your right about a lot of things the pacing is clearly fast and not pretty smooth, one thing wrong is every school has a med clinic instead of the hospital. The hospital isn't needed in this fiction yet... Or in this franchise yet!!!! Instead of the 6th century like I did with the 8 fictions franchise before I made this one. That's the smooth of it... This fiction is going to have maybe a few sequels... and a few prequels as well... this franchise is going to be massive like my SofL and FPB... (Secrets of the Library and Fear Pitch Black.) Instead of 8 fictions... ( taking a break from that big franchise... There will be more.) This franchise will have 10 stories... 10 oc and ten to tell the tale.... :3 Will I make a spin off... 100% yes!
10439988
I see. Don’t beat yourself up. First step is alwys the most difficult, and from there, it just gets easier.
Seriously, you definitely have potential to write something great.
Well, you seem like a reasonable person that wants to improve and hone their craft, so I’ll be brutally honest with you. Another commenter already pointed out that this story’s pacing needs a little work. To be fair, it needs a lot of work as the pacing is all over the place, and reading the whole chapter was really jarring. You start with an info dump (an exposition of redundant or irrelevant information), then fast-forward to Rane’s school days where she gets... bullied, I presume? That scene was really chaotic and hard to follow even though I read through it multiple times. Then we jump in time again to Rane slaving as a maid with the prince somewhat plotting something.
That’s a very rushed execution of something that could easily make for about half a dozen chapters. Coupled with a plethora of run-on sentences, some odd wording, and a lot of word repetition, I’m afraid that this story’s atmosphere is pretty much non-existent, and thus it’s likely that most readers who care about quality will not stick around to read on. Which is a shame, because the idea behind this is pretty great, and I’d love to see you flesh out this world a bit more Just slow down and don’t rush forward so much, let the readers get slowly and organically acquinted with your character and her situation.
On a side note, I don’t think I’ve spotted any typos, so you and your proofreader did well in this regard. Though I’d warn you against the use of the word ‘hoofs’. While it is technically correct, it’s very archaic. In other words, you won’t really see it used much in modern English, and so many people think that it’s a typo—I’ve tested it some time ago, and I’d say that about 98% people I asked considered it to be a very annoying error. Using the modern speling, ‘hooves’, is a far safer bet.
10498669
Ah, yes the pacing is something I have a deep weakness of when writing it out. I noticed when I did my first series. New series, new critics which is good. Ah, yes a time for the past was meant to be a rushed job. I want to keep that as a mystery on why they did it.
With this section of idea plot there is many ways I can write this and it will be easy for me in the future. Yes this going to be a trash job on my part. Which I could try to flesh it all out. But, I want to shut the gaps in that for at least a few more chapters ahead of schedule.
Ah, reading it multiple times yes, this is good and bad on my part. This means I missed something out of place or I did something for the reader to keep his mind on it for later chapters. I know that was a shady thing on my part. 0_0...
Hhhh, the run on sentences. Yes it's well, yes, I do have a problem with constructing a sentence, and it's still hard for me till this day.
Hmm, the quality. I'm not very good on quality fictions yet. yes the few chapters will be a bit rough and bumps. I hope I can find it soon to realize it when I write.
Ah, but that's the thing :3 I don't want it to be boring on the main protagonist. Otherwise the details of the cleaning would just be on 5 chapters or more or so on that's what I'm avoiding, even if I did that it wouldn't be right and I may never continue the story because writing several chapters of all cleaning would be to boring.
Ah, fleshing it out. hmmm, I'm not sure if I can??? But will see because this isn't an adventure story however, it might change later on.
Ah, the hoof and modern writing. Well, I never done modern writing I'm not sure if I could. Or maybe I done it but, didn't realize it during the 1st series. But I will change the hoofs to hooves though.