Slavery. He was born and grew up with, and is something he cannot tolerate. Trapped on a planet where everyone of his kind is a slave will bring the worst of the Lord of the Sith.
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ah yes, thorax the sith apprentice.
a lovely twist?
A bond you say? Could this be a potential apprentice, or a loyal friend like Commander Appo or Rex?
I know that Darth Vader will TORTURE Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, Cadence, and even the Mane Six, for this F****** Up Evil Misanthropy.
But, since the Imperial Empire is Pro Human, obviously. If they have seen what the Ponies have done to Equestria's verison of Humanity. They gladly join Lord Vader and make EVERY PONY, and other Creatures as Human Slavers EXTINCT, off the face of Equestria!!!!!
HECK, I DON'T think the Rebel Alliance can even help, because of what the Ponies are doing is REALLY F****** UP!!!! With SLAVERY, Torture, and S*** against Humanity!!!
Maybe even SOME Rebels might think that the Empire and Darth Vader are being the GOOD GUYS in this situation!!! For Once!
10435061
Oh not at all, I was just wondering. For not being your first language, you write vary well indeed. Keep it up and you'll be better then most who are native speakers after not too long.
10435207
Thank you
10435111
Yep, it is to show how much fucked up slavery can be.
And with magic, they can twist up and shape their slaves as much they want with
no restrictions , this heat season they created is a form of control, to mostly control the human population and how many children they produce, as the 'bad' ones die before they are even born in consequence.
Is something i have not seen many writters to explore, and I wanted to show how much fucked up slavery truly is
Wait
It is he or she?
Make your mind damnit...
10435582
Error on the google translate, sorry lmao
The festival with not be an annual thing anymore. It will mark liberation, and a cry of terror.☠
10436502
This made my day lmao, go get a girlfriend Tucker
If you keep trying to tease Vader, pinkie pie will interfere because fourth wall and all
Just a suggestion be very funny if pinkie pie's tried to destroy your story
10436626
Lmao, never underestimate the god of death Pinke Pie, her word is law
hungry. not hungerly
I look forward to more Sparticus Vader
10437154
You are my new unnoficial editor lmao.
Thank you
10437535
Np
need a editor?
Not anymore, i am always looking for help, but i already have two helping me now, so no, thanks for offering help tho! I really appreciate it
10438519
Eeek. I was thinking of reading this story but that might be a bit of a turn off....
10439686
Read if you like, however i am working on making the story as dark as i can, so if you would like an story were Vader save the pony race, you might wanna search another fic, sorry for the Inconvenience
10438519
Wait, i just noticed, you are my first flamer! OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH! i never had a flamer before! this is so cool!
So, I have finished reading this entire story as it is currently written, all 17,000 words and 9 chapters, so I think that gives me the jurisdiction to give my opinion on this story, and not be labelled as one of those people who only reads the first chapter and considers the entire story terrible as a result.
To begin, this story is childishly dark. The colorful happy horses who's most powerful magic is based on friendship have a society based on slavery of humans? Those friendly horses and their elements of harmony literally lining up humans and shoving them into a guillotine? What the actual hell. I would also like to point out that it seriously seems like the writer is doing everything in their power to make things as childish and dark as they can.
Alongside that, the writer has so far put no work into explaining how things have happened so far. He just said: Along time ago the ponies conquered humans, end of. No explanations as to how this AU happened, or anything of the sort. There is no attempt to stay consistent to the canon of either Star Wars or Fim.
No character that has appeared so far (barring Thorax but he only literally had two scenes so far.) has been in character, even the titular Darth Vader. I can at least respect that the writer didn't go the lazy route and have his self insert protaganist go to ComicCon and get sent to Equestria because he talked to the merchant from RE4 while wearing Darth Vader's Suit but that really doesn't mean anything if Vader doesn't act in character. Heads up, Darth Vader was completely fine with slavery in both the Legends and Canon of the Star Wars EU.
The writing is also rather all over the place. I would recommend getting an editor as the capitalization and formatting. An example;
Not to mention everyone talks like a robot. The characters don't talk like real people, they talk like they always have a thesaurus in front of them at all times. That or they are talking like AI trying to sound as unnatural as possible. Another example;
A good bit of advice for this is to say what you have written for dialogue allowed afterwards to see if it sounds natural.
Now then, I am not telling you to cancel the story or do anything of the sort, the fact that you are writing at all rather than simply demanding other people to write a story for you is admirable and it is always good to have an active writer on the site. I was simply expressing my opinion on the matter.
If you would like to talk to defend your points I am more than open to talk XD
I guess keep writing and enjoying your stuff. But some work could go into the grammer and the like.
10439879
Thanks for the constructive criticism! I love when people like you, come to correct me, or help me and try to explain something that i do not know, I plan to explain in the future how the story of the conflict truly happened, giving tips here and there on how it all happened, trying to make it sound natural.
In a matter of dialogue I will not lie, I am very bad, as english is not my native language i have some difficulties in trying to create a dialogue that seems natural.
I will focus on making them more natural over time, thanks for drawing my attention to this.
I already have two editors helping me, but they have to have time to read and correct everything, so in the future I already expect many changes and corrections.
I wanted to do it with a different approach with Watto, I don't really want to follow the lore very much, but rather take parts that I like and add or modify things that I think would be fitting for the story.
Thank you very much for the things you told me, people like you help the story to progress and improve for other people to enjoy better! <3
10439906
And people like you who can actually take criticism without screaming harassment and deleting any messages they don't like are the best part of this site.
I think I will be following this story in the future from here on out.
10440286
Thanks my friend! Remember, if you find out anything you didn't like on the story, get me in touch to fix it immediatly!
Ok?
10440321
need more
10444192
I am almost ending the next chapter, i am adding the final touchs and corrections
It's kind of unclear. Do Human females now only go through a heat once at age 19, or do they have on average 5 children? Or is it supposed to be that they've been further biologically altered to have litters of around 5 children at a time. In which case, no wonder so many die in child birth.
10447517
They were biologically changed to give birth to strong children when they hit 19 years.
*Sigh* Don't tell me, the Love Festival is a huge orgy, isn't it?
Vader: *steps outside sees what's going on and slowly walks backward into house*
he walked through one of the empires slave camps that did almost the same thing and he was indefrant about it (well no it did make him remember stuff but he did not act upon it in anyway other then being angry) he also helped blow up an entire fucking planet and he did not seem to care that much about all those sentient people. Or how about that time he ennslaved and then wiped out those bug people after they were don working.
10849462
The Geonosians are a Hive mind, they are 'slaves' of the central mind, that decides who do what and who lives and who dies.
If you read the comics, you saw when Vader confronted Sidious about this slavery and how he aborred it, yet he could do nothing, his master was decided about it, Vader was livid and completaly outraged.
Alderran is different, Vader is liking or not, genocidal, he many times doesn't care about the lives of others if they challenge his goals, i am trying to make him fell empathy in this story and change after his meeting with Revan