It is finally peaceful yet again. With the defeat of the Changeling Queen, Equestria is safe and peaceful again. After this memorable event, life seemed to go back to normal in Canterlot over time. All the excitement seemed to die down. Those outer cities were never affected by any of these disasterous events, at least not enough to bring panic. The six friends went back to their home in Ponyville and they continued their daily lives, satisfied that the world was at peace again.
Rarity went back to her shop, ready to design more clothes based on the fashions she saw in Canterlot during the wedding. Pinkie Pie had gone to work again at Sugar Cube Corner, keeping true to her personality and bringing joy to everyone she meets. Fluttershy went back to her cottage and took care of her animals and her Angel. Applejack had gone back to Sweet Apple Acres and had to work double time in order to get back on schedule, what with leaving Big Macintosh to harvest alone. Rainbow Dash had got back to her job and was, as always, up to her usual training.
Twilight Sparkle had been affected the most by recent events. As expected, she went back to her library and got back to her studies. Only, Shining Armor and Cadence had come to Ponyville to visit Twilight for a few months. Shining Armor had taken some vacation to spend some long-overdue quality time with Twilight. They stayed in a vacant room in a house near the library.
They had spent a lot of time together during their visit. They got caught up on all that they had been up to and all that had happened. Twilight's friends had also spent time with Cadence and Shining Armor. They all had a good time. Things slowly, but eventually, went back to normal. Everypony just went along with their daily activities and their usual adventures. But, a few months later, things took a turn for the worst.
Twilight woke up one morning to see a beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the early morning weather patrol did a good job of clearing the sky of all clouds and bad weather. Some of the early risers were up and about with their usual business, whether it was some early shopping or just to have an early walk through the town. Rainbow Dash must have been one of those early risers, because she was flying over Ponyville at top speed. All in all, it was looking to be a pretty good day.
Twilight looked towards Canterlot to see, in the distance, a chariot coming towards Ponyville. It was being flown by the Canterlot Royal Guard, so it must be important. It stopped in front of the library and a stallion was standing tall inside the chariot. "Shining Armor? What are you doing here so soon?"
"Twilight? I'm here here on royal duty from the Princess. I'm sorry I don't have time to catch up. Could you do me a favor?
"Sure, anything."
"Could you help me gather everyone into the town square?"
Um, sure." Shining Armor walked off towards the center of town. "Well, that was strange."
"Hey, Rainbow Dash," Twilight shouted up at the blue pegasus flying above, "can you help me get everyone to the town square?"
"Sure thing, but why?"
"I'm not sure. Shining Armor wants everyone there."
"Shining Armor is back? Already?"
"Yeah, he said it's for royal business."
Rainbow flew off to gather everypony to the town square, and Twilight trotted off to do the same thing. After visiting quite a few ponies, she figured that she had found all of them. When she walked into the square, she saw all sorts of ponies. Some that were attentive and eagerly awaiting what a royal guard would have to say, others were upset that they were woken up so rudely this early in the morning, and even some that were trying to get back to sleep in the small amount of room that they had. Once everypony had gathered in the center of Ponyville, Shining Armor had started speaking. He cleared his
throat, and then addressed the crowd.
"Good morning, everypony. I have come with a message from our Princess Celestia." His horn started glowing, and an official-looking parchment floated in front of him. He unrolled it and read: "In light of recent events, I, Princess Celestia have declared to hereby ban all use of magic by everypony in Equestria." This statement had been enough to silence an entire crowd of Wonderbolts fans, even as crazy as they are. After a few long seconds, it was met with several outbursts of disagreement and murmurs of dissatisfied unicorns. "All magic studies, magic groups, and magic support groups are to be shut down immediately. Any pony caught performing any act of magic will be punished. These punishments include, but are not limited to: house-arrest, imprisonment, or painless horn removal." This was met with shouts of anger, threats, and even a few curses among the shouting. Some of the ponies started rushing to Shining Armor, but the other guards held them back. "All magical items or objects with magical properties will be confiscated. Houses will be searched for said items and anypony caught lying will be punished. These punishments include, but are not limited to: house-arrest, imprisonment, or fines. There will be guards posted throughout all inhabited areas of Equestria. They are assigned to keep everypony in check. This is to take effect immediately. Signed, Princess Celestia."
This news, needless to say, caused an uproar. All the ponies were rioting. All the ponies looked just behind Shining Armor when they saw a dark violet mist swirling around the guards. A few seconds later, Princess Luna stepped ominously out of the mist. The rioting instantly stopped. She walked in front of the guards, who were just as surprised as everypony else. She walked slowly with a stern look and her head high. The princess looked over the crowd and, using her Royal Voice,
addressed the crowd.
"My sister wasn't the only one who thought this was a good idea. I was the one who suggested it. If anypony has any complaints, say them now directly to me, or face the wrath of Nightmare Moon! I feel we are doing all we can to protect the citizens of Equestria. If anypony disagrees, they had better speak up. They will not get another chance."
The entire crowd was silent, save for one. "How can you ban magic? It is what makes the world work. Without it, we will become weak."
"Who speaks? Come and say this right to me."
Rainbow Dash flew up from the crowd and was enraged by these recent events. She flew up to Luna and put her face right next to Luna's. This did not make Luna flinch or intimidate her. "Why would you do that? Are you trying to take away our rights?"
Luna used her magic to pin Rainbow Dash's wings to her back, making her incapable of flight. Rainbow fell to the ground and tried to open her wings. Luna's magic was too strong. "Do you want to ban flying as well? We are perfectly capable of doing that."
Rainbow Dash just sat down, crossed her hooves across her chest, and sat there quietly. All was quiet for what seemed like forever. Eventually, Luna broke the silence. "It seems everypony understands these changes. I know this will be hard to accept, but you will all get used to it. Until our next meeting." The violet mist appeared again, and Luna disappeared into it. The guards started walking off towards their chariot.
All of the ponies, even after this horrific news, decided to get on with their day. The crowd quickly dispersed."Shining Armor! Why did the princess do this?" Twilight Sparkle had approached her brother who was about to follow the guards to the chariot.
"Twilight. I'm sorry about this. I have nothing to do with this. I just think the princess was afraid something like the Changeling Queen will come again and all of Equestria will be lost. This is only to keep the citizens safe. Please understand."
"What about you and the guards? Are they allowed to use magic?"
"All the guards have been given special permission to use magic. I have also been given permission."
"Well, what about my studies? How am I supposed to keep up?" Twilight had the beginnings of tears in her eyes. "I don't think I can do it. Why would she do it?"
"I know you can do it. You know why? You're my sister, that's why. I have to return to Canterlot now. I will be back before too long."
Twilight said her goodbyes and then started walking towards the library. Her mind was racing with thoughts and questions. 'Why would the princess do this? Am I not allowed to use magic anymore? How am I supposed to live without being who I am?' She was so concentrated on her thoughts that she didn't notice her friends nearby. "What to do? What to do?" Twilight was speaking to herself.
"Twilight?" Rainbow Dash spoke up. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"You sure, sugarcube?" Appkejack asked.
"Yeah I think I'll be fine. What about Rarity?"
"She's not taking it too well." Rainbow Dash looked over at Rarity who was in front of her shop with tears streaming down her face. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were next to her trying to comfort her. "I think this hit everyone pretty hard. We're all shocked by this."
"Well, I think we should take her back to the boutique now. And let her cool down."
Everypony had to calm her down enough in order to get her to move at all. Eventually, they managed to convince her enough to get her back home. "Well, I think I'm going back to the library now."
"All right. Try not to think 'bout it too much." Applejack said.
"Okay. See you later, girls."
Twilight walked back to the library, all the while contemplating how she will survive without magic. She opened the door to see Spike and a Canterlot guard in the front room. The guard was a unicorn. "Twilight! Thanks goodness you're here. This guard has been asking about you."
"What does he want?" Twilight whispered in Spike's ear.
"I don't know," Spike whispered back, "but this came for you earlier." Spike was holding a scroll with Princess Celestia's seal on it.
Twilight opened the scroll and quickly read through it. "Dear Twilight, by this time, you should have heard the new law that is to take effect immediately. Please do not stress over this too much. I have assigned a guard to keep an eye on you. This is because I will allow you to use magic, but only under the supervision of the guard. This is a very stressful time for everypony, please don't take this personally. Signed, Princess Celestia."
"So, you are going to let me do magic as long as you are here?"
"That is correct." The guard said in a deep voice. "I am to keep an eye on you and you are to alert me when you are going to be doing anything."
"This sounds almost like house arrest."
"Not at all. You will never know I am here."
"Okay. Can you tell me about yourself?"
"There isn't much to tell."
"How about your name."
The guard looked at Twilight with a straight face. "Iron Storm."
"Well, Iron, do I have to tell you whenever I am going anywhere?"
"Not at all. I will just follow you."
"I am going to see how Rarity is doing."
"Lead on."
Twilight looked at the guard with a raised eyebrow. She looked at Spike as she went out the library and he just shrugged. "I guess this means more work for me. Great." Spike whispered as they walked out.
Most of the ponies must've been inside because the streets were usually empty. There was not so much as a single pony walking around or a single stall open for business. The rocky road seemed to resonate with the clacking of the two ponies hooves almost ominously. The town was so quiet. It almost seems like there was just an execution or something else horrific. If there was so much as an apple hitting the ground, you could hear it all the way to Canterlot. After a few minutes of walking in a dark silence, They reached the boutique.
"Rarity? Are you home?" Twilight asked as she walked into the front room of the store. As she walked up the stairs behind the front room, she could hear light crying, coming from two rooms. She walked up to one and knocked on the door. She heard the voice of a filly. "Yeah, who's there. Is it you Rarity?"
"No, it's just me, Twilight." The door opened and Sweetie Bell walked out. "Where's Rarity?"
"She is in the room down there." She managed to say in between the tears. She pointed her hoof down the hallway towards a door that was beautifully painted. Twilight and Sweetie Bell walked up to the door. Twilight knocked on the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's Twilight."
After a few seconds, the door opened and an un-brushed Rarity was standing in the doorway. She was wearing a purple robe with a golden "R" on the sides of it. It looked to be very expensive and delicate. "Oh Twilight, isn't it just horrible! What am I supposed to do without magic? How can I keep my shop?" She gasped. "I'll lose my business! I'll have to live on the streets! What am I to do?"
"Calm down, Rarity. It won't help if you stress out over it." Twilight walked Rarity over to her bed, which was wet in the middle from Rarity's tears. "You need to take a deep breath and calm down."
"You're right, Twilight. Who is this?" She asked to the guard.
"This is Iron Storm. He is a Canterlot Guard assigned to keep an eye on me. He says I can use magic as long as he is around."
"What? So you are allowed to use magic, but the rest of us can't?" Sweetie Bell asked.
"Well," Twilight looked at Iron. "I don't know."
"I have only been given orders to allow Twilight to perform magic. I'm sorry."
"But I have just started learning how to do magic! This isn't fair!" She said before she ran back to her room and slammed the door.
"Just let her cool down a little bit. She'll come around eventually." Rarity assured.
"Are you going to be okay?"
"I don't know. I just don't know how to handle this. I'm just so used to using magic. It sure is going to be different around here."
"Yeah, a lot different. I'm not used to some pony watching my every move." She glanced at Iron, who still had that same face he had before. "Are you sure you are going to be okay?" Twilight glanced into Rarity's deep, longing, blue eyes.
"I just don't know. I guess I'll find out. I'm pretty sure I can manage. This is your friend Rarity. I can do it."
"Well, I'm glad. If you ever need anything, just let me know. Have a good day, Rarity." Twilight walked out and back into the front room of the boutique. There were several beautiful outfits on ponyquines and on the walls of the store. "Oh Rarity, I hope you can keep making these amazing outfits." Twilight said to herself.
The walk back to the library was almost the same as the walk there. Only, a few things changed. First off, the pegasi sure did a good job matching the mood of the town. The entire sky was covered in grey, billowing clouds. There wasn't necessarily a scheduled shower today, but they all thought it would work today better than any other. The entire walk was made in rain. First, just a drizzle. By the time they got there, a downpour.
Twilight walked in and Spike was trying to sweep up all the dust after re-arranging some books on the top shelves. He noticed then coming in soaking wet, and ran off. A few seconds later, he came back with a few towels for the two ponies. They put them on, and then walked over the window.
"Spike, say hello to the future. Without magic, the world just seems to be missing something."
"Yeah, I'll say. Now it seems like the Princess has really gone overboard. I respect her, but what made her think this was a good idea?"
"It was both of them. Luna says she was the one to suggest it."
"Luna? But I thought she had already gotten used to life in Equestria now. Why would she do something like this?"
"I don't know, Spike, but I think we have a hard road ahead of us. Life might not get easier because of this."
The rain was pounding against the window and the hard wood of the tree, symbolizing the dreary world that Equestria was becoming. The two ponies and the dragon walked up the stairs and sat next to the beds. They just talked about the Princesses, the past, and what the world might have in store for them in the future.
Hello Antiivvan, I am a Tortoise, and I just finished reading and reviewing your story, Forbidden Magics.
I read your story as an editor/proofreader, as well as a critic and there were a large number of problems I noticed in the story. A note before you read, I will often refer to Sentence Y in paragraph X using the the following format: (pX sY), where p means paragraph, s means sentence, X is the paragraph number and Y is the sentence number, such that (p1 s3) refers to the third sentence of the first paragraph. Also note that I don't count dialogues as their own paragraphs. If you have any questions about what I mean in a certain part of my review, let me know and I'll be happy to explain what i meant.
If at times I seem to be short with you in review, it is only because I'm trying to write as much as I can without writing excess words. I'm not attacking you or anything, but there's just a lot to write and I don't want to take two thousand words to do it.
Grammar, flow, and clarity issues
Redundancy
The first thing I noticed was a problem with redundancy. In the first paragraph, you keep restating things. For example: "It is finally peaceful yet again. With the defeat of the Changeling Queen, Equestria is safe and peaceful again." You don't need to repeat that it's peaceful, most people will get it the first time. I would recommend deleting the first sentence and altering the second slightly, so that it can stand alone as the first sentence.
The Redundancy issue returns again with sentences three and four. You state twice that life returns to normal. when it was understood the first time. As such, consider deleting the third sentence, or the fourth one.
p4 s4: The sentence is redundant. I would recommend deleting it.
p4 s5: You already said things were slowly returning to normal. Either delete it from the beginning, or delete this sentence.
p7 s3: "When she walked into the square, she saw all sorts of ponies." Kind of a useless detail, as it's kind of implied already by the fact that every pony in Ponyville is gonna be there.
p9 s2, s3: You said "All the ponies" twice. Repeating words or phrases like that is an excellent way to make the writing seem repetitive and boring. Try to avoid doing so.
p10 s3 s5: Luna says 'speak up now or deal with the consequences' twice in the same paragraph. She only really needs to say it once. Choose a sentence to delete.
p12 s1: "Rainbow Dash flew up from the crowd and was enraged by
these recent events." It's obvious she's angry about the ban, no need to point it out (what else would she be angry about?)p16 s17: Pinkie's last sentence in the dialogue doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. Delete it!
p19 s4 s5: "I have assigned a guard to keep an eye on you. This is because I will allow you to use magic, but only under the supervision of the guard. " I would recommend deleting the fourth sentence, and just incorporate that information into the fifth one. 'I have assigned a guard to keep an eye on you, and only under his supervision may you practice magic...' something like that.
It is important not to constantly repeat previously mentioned details, as you'll quickly being to annoy your readers. Especially those who love to nitpick, (like me)
Flow
First paragraph has a lot of sentence fragments. Instead of writing a series of short sentences, consider writing a few longer sentences. You can do this by combining the short sentences. For example: instead of "It is finally peaceful yet again. With the defeat of the Changeling Queen, Equestria is safe and peaceful again. After this memorable event, life seemed to go back to normal in Canterlot over time. All the excitement seemed to die down. ", try something like: 'With the defeat of the Changeling Queen, peace and safety returned to Equestria and life seemed to return to normal in Canterlot." In doing so, you allow the story to progress much more smoothly for your readers, and as a result, make it easier for them to follow and enjoy!
Paragraph 2 also has some flow problems. When you have a lot of short, choppy sentences, the narration will sound choppy, again making it hard to follow. Try combining some sentences.
p3 s1 "Only* Twilight sparkle had been affected..."
p4 s1, s2: Combine the two sentences into one, in order to improve the flow of speech.
p4 s7: Now the problem is that the plot feels rushed. Add more details, and slow down the flow of speech. You can't just say "everything turned for the worst" right after saying "everything was happy". Add more details in between, and build up to the dramatic. By building up, you can create a lot more drama, and keep your readers hooked.
p9 s4, s5: Combine the two sentences into one '...Luna walked out of the mist and the rioting stopped instantly.'
p9 s7 s8: Combine these two sentences into one. 'She gazed sternly at the crowd, walking slowly up and down the stage...'
p12 s2 s3: combine these two sentences to help the flow: 'She flew right up to the princess, and put her face right in front Luna's, in an attempt to intimidate the alicorn, however Luna did not so much as flinch' (or something to that effect)
p13 s2 s3: "Rainbow fell to the ground and tried to open her wings, but* Luna's magic was too strong."
p15 s1 s2: Combine the two sentences using the article "but" 'I'm sorry Twilight but I had nothing to do with this.'
p16 s18 s19: ""Well, I think we should take her back to the boutique now. And let her cool down." Why did you break this into two sentences? Just make it one sentence.
p20 s2 s3: Combine the two into one sentence, to help flow.
p20 s4 and s5: Combine into one sentence.
p22 s2 s3: "She was wearing a delicate, expensive-looking* purple robe with a golden "R" on the sides of it.
It looked to be very expensive and delicate."s25: s2 s3: "He noticed
then comingthem come*in soaking wet, and ran off,Areturning a* few seconds later,he came backwith a few towels for the two ponies"Clarity (no not Rarity, Clarity)
There are a few sentences that I, as a reader, am unable to understand in your reading. One such example is "Those outer cities were never affected by any of these disasterous events, at least not enough to bring panic." (fifth sentence). Which outer cities are you referring to? I assume you're talking about the other cities like Ponyville and Manehattan, but by failing to specify which cities, you create a lot of confusion for your readers. Also, I think the sentence is a bit misplaced you may want to place it either immediately before stating that peace has returned to Equestria 'seeing as none of the other cities were affected by the attack...." or directly afterwards "Peace had returned, as none of the other cities had been attacked.
p3, s2, s3. In sentence two, you talk about how Twilight returned to her library to begin her studies anew, but in sentence three, you talk about how Shining Armor and Cadence had come to visit. Did Shining come to visit right away, or had time passed? You have to be clear about these things; by adding detail, you can make it more obvious to the audience what is going on.
p5 s1, s2: You tend to throw together a lot of details without linking them to one another. Although these links may make sense in your head, we aren't in there, so we can't always tell how they are related. Was the sun shining because the sky was clear? or was the sky just clear and the sun was just shining (meaning that there's no relation in them).
p6 s2: "It was being flown by the Canterlot Royal Guard, so it must be important." By it, do you mean the chariot must be important, or that the people IN the chariot are important? Be more specific.
p6 s5: ""Twilight? I'm here here on royal duty from the Princess. I'm sorry I don't have time to catch up. Could you do me a favor?" Now I'm completely confused. Haven't they already just finished catching up? Why do they need to catch up again. This is why using details to indicate the passage of time is important. Because you don't bother to tell us that time has passed, we don't know whether it's been a month since Twi last saw Shining Armor, or a day.
p7 s5: "Once everypony had gathered in the center of Ponyville, Shining Armor had started speaking. He cleared his throat, and then addressed the crowd." How does he start talking, and then clear his throat? It works the other way around, doesn't it?
p 15 s3: "I just think the princess was afraid something like the Changeling Queen will come again and all of Equestria will be lost." I'm kind of confused at this point. If it wasn't for the use of magic, Shining Armor would not have been able to use the shield spell, and thus, Canterlot would have fallen to the changelings. How would banning the use of magic have helped that situation any? I'm not trying to change your plot, but that's a pretty big plot-hole to leave open. Maybe add an explanation as to WHY banning magic would help the situation whatsoever, cause at this point, I'm just confused.
p20 s1: "Most of the ponies must've been inside because the streets were UNusually* empty."
Grammar
There are a couple grammar mistakes in your story which, (in my opinion), hinder your writing style, and thus make your story harder to read.
The first one occurs at p2 s2. Here, you have a shift of tense. In a single sentence, you're generally not allowed to move from one tense to the other, (i.e. shift from past tense to present tense), yet that is exactly what you did. Either keep the whole sentence in the past tense or the present tense.
At p2 s3, you have a run-on sentence. You can't use "and" twice in a sentence, so i would suggest replacing the first "and" with the word "to".
p2 s5 "Rainbow Dash had gotten* back to her job and was..."
p4 s1 "They
hadspent a lot of time together during their visit."p5 s3: "Some of the early risers were up and about
withtheir usual business..."p7 s4: "Some
thatwere attentive and eagerly awaiting whatathe guards* would have to say, others were upset that theywerehad been*woken up so rudely this early in the morning, andeven some that weresome were even* trying to get back to sleep in the small amount of room that they had."p8 s5: "This statement had been enough to silence an entire crowd of Wonderbolts fans,
evenas crazy as theyare.were*"p14, s4: "Shining Armor
!(put a comma instead) whydidwould the princess do this?"p14 s5: "Twilight Sparkle had approached her brother
who was about to follow the guards to the chariot.just as he was about to board the chariot.p15 s3: "I just think the
princess wasprincesses were* afraid of* something like the Changeling Queen willcomeattacking* again andall of Equestria will be lost.destroying all of Equestria*p16 s16: " Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were next to her trying to comfort her. "I think this hit
everyoneeverypony* pretty hard."p18 s4: ""Twilight! Thank
sgoodness you're here."p20 s6: "It was so quiet, that Twilight imagined that if someone so much as dropped an apple, you would be able to hear the sound all the way in Canterlot.
If there was so much as an apple hitting the ground, you could hear it all the way to Canterlot." You don't have to follow this suggestion to the letter, but the way you have it written now is strange and incoherent.p20 s7: You can't describe silence as 'dark'. sorry dude but it just doesn't work that way. Try "eerie".
p21 s5: It's spelled filly, not philly.
P21 s9: "She pointed
her hoofdown the hallway towards adoor that wasbeautifully painted door.*"p22 s13: "Twilight walked Rarity over to her bed, which
was wethad a wet spot in the middle from Rarity's tears."P24 s2: "Only, a few things had* changed"
p24 s3: "First off, the pegasi
sure didhad done a good job matching the mood of the town."p24 s7 s8: "
First,At first, it was* just a drizzle, but* by the time they got there, it was* a downpour."p25 s1: "
Twilight walked in andSpike was trying to sweep up all the dustaftercreated by re-arranging some books on the top shelves when Twilight walked in."Suggestions* Note that these are only suggestions I have for your writing style/story. Remember that you are under no obligation to follow them, and that as a human, i may have opinions that differ from yours. Follow them if you want, ignore them if you don't.
First and foremost, space out your paragraphs, leaving a blank line between each paragraph. in doing so, you make the essay less cluttered, and thus more aesthetically appealing to the reader.
In p2 s1, I would recommend playing with the words in the sentence to make the sentence more interesting, as personally, i found it to be boring. Instead of just saying she went to work on some new designs, try something like "Rarity went straight to her boutique, eager to work on some new designs inspired by Canterlot's fashion..." (or something to that effect).
p6 s3: "It stopped in front of the library and Twilight saw a stallion was standing tall inside the chariot" By adding those two words, you make the sentence much more amazing.
Also, for dialogue (p6 s4), make sure that each new line of a dialogue has it's own line. Meaning at the end of sentence 3, hit enter.
p7 s2: "After visiting quite a few ponies, she figured that she had found all of them." That sentence doesn't really make much sense, as A) Twilight isn't a lazy pony who leaves a job undone, and B) if she had only visited a quite a few ponies, how can she figure that she had found all of them? Doesn't make sense. Now is she had assumed that Dash would find the rest, that's different.
Other notes
As I'm sure you've heard before, the first sentence, and first paragraph, are one of the most important lines in the story. It's in these lines that you either completely catch your reader's attention, or fail and lost their interest. As a result, it is imperative that you have something to catch your reader's attention, and that the first paragraph flow nicely. Unfortunately, the first two paragraphs did neither of those things. The first paragraph was pretty choppy, making it hard to read, and there were no attention grabbers. Actually, it almost felt like I was reading a summary of the story, rather than the introduction. I would highly recommend fixing the flow issues, and put something interesting in there to grab our attention; something to either make us laugh, build suspense, build anticipation, or just stay interested. If you look at a number of the featured stories in fimfic, you'll see that 99.9% of them have some sort of interesting start that entices you to keep reading. As I progressed to the third paragraph, I had begun to notice a fairly large lack of details. Remember Antii, that there is more to a story than just the plot. Make sure to supplement the story with plenty of details, such as how the characters felt, (where they happy, tired, or frustrated? Was Shining Armor looking happier now that he and Cadence were together?), how Ponyville looked when they returned (were they happy to see home? Was it happy to see them?), or even just the color of the sky. By adding details like that, it's easier for the readers to get 'lost in the story'.
To the best of my knowledge, I have pointed out and attempted to correct every grammar problem I could find! I gotta say, this one was a beast.
Final Critique/Summary
Believe it or not, I actually like the main idea behind the story! I'm not really sure where you're going to go with it, (I'm not going to be proofreading chapter two unless you ask), but it definitely has potential. In fact, had the story had no grammar or flow problems, I actually think that it would have made a featured story!
However, the flaws were too big a problem. Between the redundancy, the flow issues, the clarity issues, the grammatical mistakes, and the lack of detail it was almost impossible to stay immersed in the story. As I said it had potential, but I was honestly bored to tears reading this. When you correct these issues, you'll be able to easily build up drama, create comedy, and hook your audiences.
A little fun fact for you, this took me three hours to write. Please do me a favor and actually read what I have written.