Goodbye
A Derpy’s Goodbye
Chapter 1: Goodbye
There was that feeling again, that pain. She felt the pain, it was inside her. It was in her bones, in her brain and, more importantly, in her heart. Yet, this pain was well known to her, she had experienced it firsthoof on multiple occasions. When she fell out of a tree, when she crashed against the ground or when she did something embarrassing, the list goes on. That was the worst feeling, embarrassment. It was the shame that came with the pain and these two mingled together until they formed a cocktail of misery. She would laugh it away and she would tell herself that it was nothing, but deep inside her it hurt. The walls that she had built inside her were slowly, but steadily succumbing under the weight of the pain and shame.
Her friends would describe her as a lovely, kind and happy mother who loves her two daughters, Dinky and Sparkler more than anything. They would also describe her as a clumsy mare, but who was fun to talk to. Yes, her friends would say that, but they were also beginning to distance themselves from her.
Other ponies would describe her as a clumsy cross-eyed freak that would destroy everything that landed in her hooves. They would insult her for her clumsiness and she would apologize, but that wouldn’t help, they would just keep bullying her. Recently Diamond Tiara insulted Dinky at school. She told Dinky one of those ‘yo mama’ jokes she found in a book and this one was directed to Derpy. She said “Yo mama’s so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone”. It wasn’t exactly a good joke, but it was still a sting in Dinky’s and Derpy’s heart.
But Sparkler was also being targeted. Sparkler was looking for a job and on job interviews they would do a medical check-up to see if she didn’t inherit the clumsiness of her mother. Ponies would also eye her strangely, like she was the daughter of an abomination and… Derpy was actually beginning to believe that she was an abomination. Ponies tried to avoid her and her family… and Derpy believed that it was her fault. Her daughters helped her through difficult times and she was them very grateful for that. They were her light source in the dark and endless tunnel of life. Yes, Derpy had days where she was really depressed and she would wish that she was dead, but her daughters always supported her and they would never let go of their mother.
Today was one of those days where her depression decided that it was time for a free-fall. Her body felt apathetic, it just wanted to go back to bed and soak her pillow with her miserable tears. She would have done that, but Sparkler decided that enough was enough and had quite the talk with her mother.
“I don’t care if you feel miserable and sick, just go outside and have a fun day with your friends!” The shouting between her and her mother had been going on for almost half an hour. Sparkler wanted to see her mother happy and the best solution was socializing with her friends. Derpy, however, had other plans and just wanted to be in her room with her self-pity. The housemate, Carrot Top, left the house with Dinky, because she knew that the words that were going to be used weren’t exactly good for a young filly.
“They don’t want me anymore, don’t you see it?! I lose friends every day and do you know why?! Because I’m a clumsy cross-eyed freak, that’s why!” Derpy had tears in her eyes, but so did Sparkler. Derpy’s depression was worsening every day and that was taking its toll on the family.
“We both know that’s not true! You’re only losing your friends because you stay inside! Now go outside and socialize!” In a desperate attempt to make her mother go outside Sparkler levitated her mother of her bed and began to trot with her to the front door.
Derpy knew that she couldn’t escape now, but she wasn’t going down without a fight. “Now listen here, young lady. I’m still your mother and you shall obey me when I tell you to put me the buck down.” Sparkle obeyed and threw her mother through the open door and onto the street, and then she smashed the door shut and magically closed every opening of the house, so her mother couldn’t come back inside. Derpy grumbled to herself. She knew that her daughter tried to do well, but she couldn’t help but feel that her daughter also began to push her out of her life. Her last desperate attempt was pounding on the door. “Sparkler, open this door right now!” There was no answer, but she kept shouting and pounding on the door. The ponies around Derpy were now looking at her in either curious or disapproving looks, but Derpy didn’t care about them, the only thing she wanted was her bed. After five minutes Derpy stopped the pounding on her door and sat down with her back against the door.
She looked up at the sky, it was cloudless and it was the perfect time to fly, but due to her depression Derpy had lost her motivation to fly. She closed her eyes and let her mind wander. First she heard some voices and she felt the ponies staring at her, but she didn’t care about them, they could go buck themselves for all she cared. Her mind blocked out the voices and began its trip through her memories. It stopped in a class, she was sitting at a desk and her eyes were looking at the blackboard. Suddenly she remembered it; this was psychology class from when she was studying in flight school. The subject of today was depression and how to get out of it. The teacher had told her class that antidepressants only worked for a small amount of time, the real solution was your own willpower and the help of your friends. Her memories began to move again, this time to a few months later. A filly had killed herself on campus, in her goodbye note was written that she was being bullied and that nopony did anything about it. The bullies were found and later accused of involuntary ponyslaughter. Derpy used to have nightmares about that and the same thought always went through her mind: What if I was that pony? She knew she wasn’t that pony, but right now she was in the exact same situation as her. Funny how things can turn out, eh? Her mind turned back to the present and she opened her eyes. The sun had moved a bit and her tears were dry, she instantly realized that she had slept against her door and visible for the whole world to see. But she didn’t care about that; she was an embarrassment just by walking in the streets. Eeyup, her memories didn’t really help her depression. She got up and thought back at that psychology lesson; it said that willpower and her friends were needed.
“Okay, let’s go to my friends.” That was all the willpower she had, an unconvincing line of garbage. Slowly she sat a hoof in front of another, no real destination in mind. She didn’t know who wanted to talk to her; maybe they were scared that she was going to break something. Her willpower floated away like air from a leaky balloon. She stopped in the middle of the streets and looked around to see where her hooves had brought her. She saw that she was in the outskirts of Ponyville and 100 feet to her right was the library. Her mind instantly changed plans. “Maybe it’s best to read some books about depression first.”
Her mind now had a clear objective and her hooves led her to her objective: the library. Derpy didn’t use the library that much; last time she lent a book was right after Dinky’s birth. Dinky was harder to take care of than Sparkler and she needed some books for extra information. She also had to take care of Dinky and Sparkler alone because her husband had left her for a mare in Canterlot. No Derpy, think happy thoughts, happy thoughts. She suppressed the thoughts about her used-to-be husband and knocked on the library door. Derpy could hear some groans from inside the library and began to turn around. When Twilight was in a bad mood then the best thing you could do was running away and certainly if you’re in a depression, because insults would only make the depression even worse. She was starting to trot away, but then she heard the door opening and a familiar voice spoke.
“Oh Derpy, I’m sorry if you heard that, but I’m actually busy with an experiment.” Derpy turned her head and was greeted by Twilight’s wide, but genuine smile. It was warm and comforting, like Twilight didn’t have any worries and could enjoy life to its fullest. It actually made Derpy a bit jealous, but she knew that it wasn’t polite to be jealous… but still.
“Hey Twilight, I just wanted to read some books, but I see that you’re busy so I’ll come back another time.” Derpy gave Twilight a small smile, it was all she could summon in her current state, and started to trot away. She kept trotting away until one point where her hooves didn’t respond anymore and she saw that she was being lifted off the ground by a magenta glow around her body. She saw that Twilight was levitating her towards her, but Twilight still had that smile on her face.
Twilight sat Derpy down on the ground in front of her. “I can put my experiment aside for a moment. I’m always glad to help another soul in their search for knowledge, now come inside so we can talk about the books you want to read.” Twilight stepped aside so Derpy could walk inside. Derpy, for once, actually felt some joy in the presence of another pony. Maybe things aren’t so bad. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get out of this depression. With this newfound willpower she was going to tell Twilight about her depression, maybe the smartest mare in Ponyville could help her.
Derpy trotted inside and sat down on the couch that was placed in the public part of the library. Twilight closed her door and sat down next to Derpy. Derpy gulped and looked away, the sadness returning in her expression. “There’s… something I need to talk to you about.” Derpy took a quick look at Twilight. Twilight’s expression was one that said ‘go on’. Derpy nodded to nopony in particular and sighed. “Twilight, I’m in a deep depression and I need your help.”
Derpy expected that Twilight would gasp or stumble out of the couch, but Twilight kept sitting where she was and smiled again at Derpy. “Well, I’m no psychologist, but I know that acknowledgement of your depression is one of the first steps towards recovery.” Twilight jumped out of the couch and trotted to one of the many bookshelves in the library. Derpy now had a moment alone with her thoughts. She has taken it rather well, better than I thought at least. I do hope that she and this library have the answers that I seek. She saw that Twilight was still busy searching for the correct books, so Derpy decided to close her eyes for a moment. Her mind wandered now to a memory from a couple of months ago. She was helping Rainbow Dash with the preparations for Applejack’s return from the rodeo. She and Rainbow Dash had to decorate the town hall, but she made a mess of it and practically destroyed the town hall. That was the date that her depression really started. She was upset with herself and some ponies started to blame and insult her for all the damage that she had done and the only thing she could do was accepting the blame, because she really is the clumsiest mare of Ponyville.
Derpy opened her eyes and saw Twilight sitting next to the couch while gently stroking Derpy’s mane. Derpy’s eyes were watery and occasionally one of her legs would twitch. “Shh Derpy, it was just a nightmare.”
Derpy rubbed her eyes with her hoof and got up. She knew that she had slept, but her body still felt as exhausted as in the morning. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
Twilight nodded enthusiastically and Derpy again felt the happiness that was radiating off Twilight. It was nice to see other ponies happy, even if she couldn’t feel the same way. Derpy cared about others; even in this miserable state she would place other ponies above herself. If only other ponies cared about her and accepted her, because that was the only thing she wanted: she wanted to be accepted. Was that so much to ask? Derpy didn’t realize that she actually forgot about Twilight, but she did manage to pick up the last piece of her explanation. “… And this is Treud’s guide to recover from a depression. He was one of the founders of the Psychoanalysis. This theory and book will try to discover things in your subconsciousness and it will also search for conflicts in your subconsciousness that can lead to a depression. You need to do this with two, so take this book with you, read it a bit and tomorrow I’ll help you with your depression, alright?” Twilight placed the book in a saddlebag and placed it on Derpy’s back. “There we go, now don’t forget to read or Miss Sparkle will be very mad.” Twilight joked and Derpy chuckled very lightly, it was almost so light that it could be labelled as unnoticeable. Still, the chuckle was there and it was her first chuckle in many days. Derpy promised Twilight that she would read the book and said her goodbyes. Things are going to be okay.
*****
Things are definitely not okay. Derpy was galloping through the streets, tears streaming down her face and her mane ruffled. Ponies were again looking at her, but she really didn’t care about them, the only thing she wanted was her bed. Her flank still hurt a bit from the kick she received and deep inside herself she blamed herself for not standing up for herself, instead she just ran away like the coward she was. Her thoughts went back to how the day had started after her visit to the library.
Derpy trotted outside the library. The weight on her heart had been lifted a bit and a small smile was visible on her face. She really thought that everything was going to be okay, but then she ran into Flitter and Cloudchaser. These two bullied Derpy since the beginning of Flight School. Even now, when they were grown mares, they still bullied her. Derpy tried to get away before she was noticed, because she knew that these two bullies certainly weren’t good for her depression. But luck wasn’t on her side today and she was noticed by Flitter.
“Look Cloudchaser, it’s our favourite freak.” Flitter nudged Cloudchaser and pointed her hoof at Derpy. Derpy knew that she couldn’t escape anymore and just continued her path towards her home, but she knew that these two would keep following her.
“How’s it going freak? Ran into any buildings recently?” This time it was Cloudchaser who spoke, but Derpy knew better than to answer to that question. She continued her way towards her home, but then she received a kick against her flank from Cloudchaser. It hurt… a lot and Derpy stumbled, the book falling out of her saddlebag. She wanted to get up, but Cloudchaser kept her pinned to the floor with a hoof. It was then that she realized that it was David against Goliath, only this time Goliath would win. “I asked you a question, freak!” Derpy had been in similar situations in flight school and this time it was flight school all over again.
“No.” Her voice was barely audible and it could even make Fluttershy jealous. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes, but she refused to let them go, it would only make the whole situation even more embarrassing.
Cloudchaser lowered her head so she could hear Derpy better. “Speak up, unless you’ve lost your voice, just like your eyesight?” Derpy knew that this sentence actually didn’t make any sense, because her eyesight was just fine, but it hurt her nonetheless. Derpy was nearing her breaking point, she could feel it and it would only take a small push to send her over the edge.
“No.” Derpy said a bit louder. This time Cloudchaser heard her reply and patted Derpy on the head like one would do with her pet. She raised her hoof of Derpy and took the book that had fallen on the ground.
“Oh, what’s this? Treud’s guide to recover from a depression. Well, is somepony here the victim of a depression?” She asked teasingly. Derpy wanted to keep it a secret; basically nopony in Ponyville knew about her depression, she had locked herself up in her house to avoid any form of contact.
Derpy decided to tell the truth, maybe then she would get her book back. “Yes, I have a depression, could you give back?” Cloudchaser looked at the book for a moment and then back at Derpy, a mischievous smirk formed on her face. Meanwhile Derpy managed to get up.
“Beg.” Cloudchaser commanded. Derpy shot her a look of confusion, but received a slap on her cheek as a return gift. “Don’t just stand there you imbecile; beg for your stupid book.”
Tears were starting to escape her eyes and Derpy couldn’t hold them back, not anymore. She slumped to the ground and began begging. “P-please Cloudchaser, please *sniff* give me my book back, I need that book.”
This seemed to please Cloudchaser and she tossed the book towards Derpy’s head. “Here, I don’t like reading that stuff anyway.” Cloudchaser lowered her head again and grabbed Derpy’s head between her hooves. She looked straight into Derpy’s eyes. “Do know that we’ll be back, don’t you forget that.” She let go of Derpy’s head and it smacked back on the ground. Flitter and Cloudchaser began laughing and flew away without saying another word to Derpy. The only thing that Derpy could hear was: “She’s such a freak.”
She then lay there on the ground for ten, twenty, maybe thirty minutes. Derpy didn’t care, she cared about nothing. The dams in her eyes were broken and the tears left her eyes without any opposition. Most ponies would ask her what was wrong, but not the ponies of Ponyville, for they knew better than to mingle themselves with the affairs of a cross-eyed freak. She was technically an outcast; civilization had spit her out like she was garbage. That thought was all it took to break the defensive wall Derpy had built in her mind. Her walls finally collapsed under the weight of pain and shame, they had sent her over the edge.
She picked up her book, threw it into the saddlebag and galloped as fast as she could towards her house. Originally her plan for today was to find Rainbow Dash, talk with her a bit and then go home to read the book. But fate had other plans for her; she just wanted to be alone. She arrived at her house and noticed a lack of magical activity, which meant that Sparkler had left. She opened her door, tossed her saddlebags against the wall and slammed the front door shut. She searched for a piece of wall without decorations and bucked against it with all the power that she could muster. She was angry, no… furious, but surprisingly enough her anger wasn’t directed towards Flitter and Cloudchaser. No, her anger was directed towards herself, for she was a coward and she knew it. These were the thoughts that occupied Derpy’s mind: coward, freak, why didn’t you fight back? Her whole life she was being pushed around by bullies, she had been betrayed by her husband and she had been made an outcast by society.
Derpy was now lying on the ground; the only sound in the house came from her crying and sobbing. She got up and looked at the damage that she had done on the wall, but luckily there was only a pair hoofmarks visible, no real damage had been done. Suddenly a strange thought crossed Derpy’s mind: you have to feel really depressed if you think that the wall is even more important than you and strangely enough, Derpy had to agree that she found the wall more important than her.
She trotted to the couch, sat upon it and thought for a moment. Twilight had agreed to help Derpy with her depression, but that wouldn’t change the thoughts ponies had about her. Even if she managed to get out of her depression, then ponies would still either ignore or bully her. They wouldn’t change, as much as Derpy wanted it to happen, they wouldn’t change. She had to live the rest her life in shame and she knew that they wouldn’t accept her for who she was, never ever. Then a more grim thought crossed Derpy’s mind: suicide. It was rather selfish thought and she was going to leave her children alone, but Derpy honestly doubted that things would start changing to her favour. Never accepted, always alone, made fun of her in public and the lack of friends, things really weren’t in her favour. She needed some rest, maybe her mind would then be clear enough to think about suicide. She nestled herself comfortable on the couch and slept with dried tears on her cheeks.
*****
Derpy awoke a few hours later. Instead of having a nice and refreshing dream, her mind decided it was time for another nightmare. Another nightmare than the one she was currently living in, yet it still had quite the connection with her current state. In her nightmare ponies had started throwing tomatoes at her and tried to force her to leave Ponyville. Real life Derpy knew that it was only a matter of time before the real life ponies would start to do that with her. She basically knew that there was only one way to get out of this nightmare and that was suicide, for she knew that even if she changed, the other ponies wouldn’t change. She also knew that she didn’t want to leave this world before she had said goodbye to everypony, so she searched for a video camera. While she was searching her mind was still nagging to her whether this still was such a good idea. She still wasn’t fully convinced to commit suicide, but she did know that it was the only escape route to a better world, one where they loved her for who she was.
Derpy found Carrot Top’s camera in one of her closets and pressed the REC button. A red light indicated that it was recording, but Derpy totally missed it. “Is this thing on?” She looked deeply into the lens of the camera and then noticed the little red light. “Oh it is on, silly me.” She chuckled lightly at her mistake, like she used to do before her depression. The real Derpy made a small appearance, maybe because she knew was going to be happy again. She trotted a few feet away from the lens and sat down, then there was a silence, because she hadn’t prepared a little speech. Instead of speaking, she took a radio and pressed play. The moment after she pressed the button, Moonlight Sonata began to play. Derpy always relaxed and thought better with some classical music, it was her favourite kind of music.
“Well… uh, I guess should just tell you guys. Oh, but before I do, make sure that Dinky doesn’t see this video until I say so, it would break her heart and she’s too young for this kind of video.” The happiness that Derpy had disappeared was replaced with sadness. She was really going to do it, she was going to say goodbye. “Is Dinky gone? Good. I think it’s best if I just get straight to the point. This is my goodbye video and with goodbye video I don’t just mean a vacation, I really mean gone… forever.”
Tears were beginning to form in her eyes once again. This was really harder than she first thought, even if there wasn’t a real audience. “The thing is that I can’t live anymore with the shame and the pain of being humiliated every day, again and again. I always tried to tell myself that things would get better after some time, but I now realize that it was just a lie to delay the inevitable. You’re probably thinking right now: ‘Why does she want to commit suicide?’ Well, I’ll tell you why.”
Derpy closed her eyes for a moment and organized her story; she then opened them again and looked straight into the lens of the camera. “I’ve been picked on since the start of flight school many years ago and mainly because of these.” She pointed with one hoof at her eyes. “But also my clumsiness was something the bullies liked to use against me. Occasionally they made fun of my eyes, stole my lunch or even hurt me in a physical way, but that was flight school and I thought it was normal because they didn’t know better. Oh boy was I wrong. It didn’t stop after my graduation. No, even Ponyville was starting to turn against me and to make things even worse; they were starting to humiliate my children.”
Derpy’s wings extended from anger, but she managed to control her anger and they folded back into their original place. “Sorry for that, I lost my temper for a moment.” Derpy was silent for a moment and looked at her hooves. “I am a real wreck, eh? All these emotions I can’t control… it’s really starting to take a toll on me and my family and it’s starting to become unliveable. Anyways, let’s get back to the story.”
She looked back into the lens. “Today I went to the library to search for some books about depressions and Twilight offered me her help. That’s still the good part of the story, now comes the bad part. So I left the library and ran into Flitter and Cloudchaser.” She spoke those two names with a little bit of venom in her voice. Derpy isn’t a hateful mare, but she really hated those two. “Those two bully me whenever they got the chance, and today wasn’t any different. They started calling me names, physically hurt me and I had to beg before I got my book back. After that little humiliation something inside me just snapped and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, it was like a revelation that came to me. I realized that even if I changed, the other ponies would still pick on me. I realized I can’t do anything about it, it’s like fate decided that suicide was the only way for me to be happy again and, honestly, I’m also beginning to see it that way. So that’s how I came to realize that suicide is the only way.”
Derpy took a tissue to blow her nose and to wipe some tears away. “Now I’m going to address some of you individually. The first one I want to thank is Carrot Top. Carrot, you’ve been an amazing housemate and an even more amazing friend. You were one of the few who kept sticking by my side no matter what, you were always there for me when I needed you and I really want to thank you with all my heart.” Derpy gave a warm smile to the camera for the first time, but then her expression turned into a more serious one. “Now there’s another matter, namely my children. I still feel a bit guilty for leaving them like this, but I don’t have any more options left. I hope you’re not upset, but I want to give my children to somepony else, mainly because right now you hardly have time to help me take care of them, so it’s illogical if I keep them under your watchful eye. Carrot Top, it was very nice knowing you. Now I want to talk to Rainbow Dash and Twilight, together.”
Derpy waited for a moment so that future Twilight and Rainbow could take their place behind the screen of the camera. “Twilight, I appreciate it that you wanted to help me, but like I said it’s not going to work. No matter what I do, I’ll always be bullied. You know, I didn’t tell you this, but I was kinda jealous of you. You always seem so happy and content… and I’m sad and miserable, but I guess that wasn’t right of me, because I’ll be in a better place soon. Twilight, you’re a good mare and very smart and don’t let anypony tell you otherwise, okay? Good. Now it’s time to talk to Rainbow. Rainbow, you were the most loyal of my friends; you protected me whenever you could and I’m very grateful for that. I’ll never forget the times we flew together, just soaring through the skies, always laughing and no worries, now those were the good times. You know what I most appreciated in our friendship? Trust. I could always come to you with a secret, I knew that you wouldn’t betray me when I accidently did something stupid and you would take the blame for it. You were also very forgiving towards me. Like the time during Winter Wrap-up that I flew north instead of south. You weren’t even angry at me; you just pointed me in the right direction and even gave me a pat on the shoulder. Honestly Rainbow, I couldn’t wish for a better friend.” Derpy gave again her warm smile, but this time mixed with her tears. It was really hard for her to say goodbye, but it had to be done. “Now I want to ask you both something. Could one of you take care of my children? I know that you two never had any real experience with children, but Sparkler is a teenager so she can take care of herself and Dinky doesn’t really ask so much. It’s my last wish before I die, that one of you takes care of my children. Please think about it, I don’t want them to be sent to the orphanage.” Derpy let out a big sigh, she had said goodbye to her friends, now only her children were left. “Now I want to talk to Sparkler.
There was again that moment of silence before Derpy spoke again. “Sparkler, I know that today wasn’t really a good day between us and I honestly wish that things were different, but I’m no time lord who can go back in time. I also wish that I could say goodbye to you in person, but that would only make things even more difficult. I still remember the day that I brought you home from the orphanage; you were scared and excited at the same time. It was a lovely sight to see and it was also a lovely sight to see you grow up. You were an amazing daughter and an amazing sister for Dinky, she couldn’t be happier with a sister like you. Now behave yourself and don’t forget that I’ll always watch over you, no matter what.” Derpy went silent and looked at a picture of Sparkler. Her heart broke that she had to say goodbye to her daughter, but it had to be done. She took the frame, showed it to the camera and held it close to her heart while drawing a heart with her hoof on the picture. “Goodbye Sparkler, please show the camera to Dinky now.”
She placed the picture back on the shelf and prepared herself for the hardest part, telling Dinky that her mother was gone. “Hello Dinky, my sweet little muffin.” Her tears were still clearly visible on her face, but she smiled nonetheless. Dinky wasn’t really familiar with the concept of death, so she had to tell Dinky that in a way she’d understand. “Mommy will be gone and I’m not going to return, so I want you to listen to your future guardian, okay? Sparkler will tell you where I am when you’re a bit older, alright? Just know that mommy will always love you even if she isn’t with you. I’ll watch over you and protect you from all kinds of monsters; nopony is going to hurt you. The only thing I can still tell you is: follow your dreams, my sweet little muffin. Follow your dreams and be happy. Goodbye Dinky.” She took Dinky’s picture from the shelf, showed it to the camera, held it close to her chest and drew a heart with her hoof. “Now Dinky, go to your room and stay there until the others come and get you.”
She placed the picture back on the shelf and was again silent for a moment. The hardest part was over and she was ready to stop the recording, but not before she asked them a question. “I fear it’s almost time to go, but what can I expect after this life? Is there really a heaven where I can rest on a cloud and look at the lives of my loved ones or do I get sent to Tartarus and roam forever with the demons? Maybe I’ll become a part of the stars or maybe I roam through Equestria in my ghost form. But all these things don’t scare me. No, what scares me is that I have to spend a long time without you guys and I’ll miss you. Just… don’t forget me, because I’ll never forget you.” Now she was ready to say her last word. She put on her warmest smile and looked again straight into the lens. “Goodbye.” And with that she pushed the Rec button and the red lamp switched itself off.
*****
Derpy was now standing next to her bed, her sleeping pills on her bedside table. It had taken some time for her to decide what kind of method she would use to… end her life. In the end she decided the best idea was to pass in her sleep, painless and in a dream. She had placed the camera on the table in the living room with a note that said: watch me, I love you. She had also made one last stroll through the house, just for the sake of nostalgia. She had so many memories in this house, but luckily most of them were memories from before her depression. She took the bottle of pills in her hoof and tried to guess how many she would need. In the end she thought that 6 pills would do the job. She looked at the pills, those would end her life and if she swallowed them then she had crossed the point of no return. She sighed; she knew that there was no other way. In one swift motion she placed the pills into her mouth and drank from the bottle of water that was also standing on her bedside table. She figured that the best way to take in the pills was to do it fast and now she had done it, she had officially put a point at the end of her story. That reminded her of a quote that she read in a book. There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story. –Frank Herbert.
Her story in this world was over, but that didn’t mean that it was completely over. She knew that there was something after this world, but she just didn’t know what. With her curiosity peeked she got into bed and began imagining what could lie beyond the horizon. For once she wasn’t afraid of death, she was actually eager to see what would happen. Maybe the stories about heaven were true and then she would find eternal happiness. She dismissed the thought about happiness and focused on the present. She looked at the picture on her bedside table and smiled at it. She didn’t cry, she wasn’t sad anymore, just happy and relieved. She took it into her hooves and looked at it. It was a picture Carrot Top had taken a couple of years ago. The picture showed Sparkler and Dinky sleeping with Derpy tucking them in, she was the perfect mother in this picture. She laid the picture on her chest and closed her eyes.
She imagined herself in a large field just outside Ponyville. She was sitting on the grass while Sparkler and Dinky were playing with each other. She loved to see that those two were such good sisters and it made her heart warm from joy. She knew that she wouldn’t be there in person at Dinky’s graduation from primary school or when Sparkler found the love of her life, but she would be there in memory and being there in memory was enough for her. A black stallion sat down next to her and she instantly knew who it was and so did Dinky, because she ran towards her mother and hugged her.
“Goodbye Mommy.” She said, still hugging her mother.
Derpy lowered her head and gave Dinky a kiss on her forehead. “Goodbye, my sweet little muffin. She left the embrace and embraced Sparkler who had also come towards her. “Goodbye Sparkler.”
A single tear left Sparkler’s left eye. “Goodbye Mom.”
Derpy kissed Sparkler on the forehead like she had done with Dinky and left the embrace. The black stallion extended his hoof and she took it. She waved at her daughters and disappeared with black stallion. She never felt happier in her life than now.
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Author’s note: Now before you all go apeshit because I killed Derpy, reread the last part. She was merely imaging that, so there’s a 50% chance that she’s dead and a 50% chance that’s still alive. Place your bets mares and gentlecolts.
Photo of Dinky.
Photo of Sparkler.
Family Photo.
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The idea is interesting and the execution is alright. However, i want to suggest you a few things, like don't place links or images in your fiction, even if they have inspired you and you wish to share that with people. You can add them in the end, during the fiction you can let people feel your mood without external assets. And ponifie them, a human name right inside a fim fic is in most cases an atmosphere killer.
Also i personally had the feeling that derpy was not ver much 'derpy' maybe a oc had fittet better into it. But that's personal taste. Also, to be honest, i don't get the real point behind it. I feeled like it says "Don't bully people or they kill themselves and you're sorry then!" which is maybe a true but very flat proposition. Also the story was very straight forward Hello! -> I got bullied -> i am sad -> i kill myself. Usually it would take a little more to lead to such a final decision. I'm sure you had years of bullieng and depressing moments in your imagination but i think you should at last hint them.
Anyway, it is one of the better fics
Dude, that made me legit shed man tears. It got me right in the feels. Dammit, Cloudchaser, you bitch.
I am watching this I hope it does not end bad.
Wow I actually cried for once.
oh no, don't die, Derpy! you're best pony to me!
1165449 Thanks for your critism, I now know what I did wrong. It's still my first try writing a sad-fic and I think it's pretty much a job well done for my first time.
I gonna bet she didnt take enough pills and she's still alive coz I don't like the idea of Derpy dead
I listened to the music and it made me cry
and that's not a usual for me
Please don't kill off Derpy!
Sorry but this story... I've cried before but this one really took the cake. Sigh, now if you don't mind I have two bullies to bring before Celestia and Luna then send to the dungeon. -Grabs gear and goes bully hunting.-
1170104 Let's banish them to a place and then imprison them in the place they were banished to.
Is it really that good? It's my first time that I write a sad-fic.
do not kill derpy... she is the best... i will have to hurt you if you do... i cannot stand derpy dying... it makes me cry just thinking about it
I am very interested to see how this ends. It is a very well-written fic.
Am I the only one who doesn't necessarily wan't Derpy to die, but feels that she should?
(I also editted)
Very good, manly tears have been shed
I don't cry often, but when Derpy was saying goodbye to her foals I lost it.
Very nicely done....I'm gonna go listen to 'Smile smile smile' on repeat for a while now.
"this person moved or deleted this image"
Anyways, great story so far. Aside from a few weird spelling/mixed up words: its pretty good.