Short Hand
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.
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Now, one major issue that’s been facing me ever since I got to Equestria has been my diet: Protein. The Ponies are, by and large, herbivores. Though they do enjoy eggs, that’s just not enough for an obligate omnivore like me. Chickens, shellfish and regular fish, while better, are also not quite enough to provide the nutrients I needed.
And it’s not like I need a steak every day to survive, but a certain amount of red meat every week is much better than having to take supplement pills. Which the ponies haven’t quite perfected yet.
Once again though, my pony friends came to my aid. Fluttershy and Applejack asked around, and apparently the local cows were willing to help. It took them a few days, but they called me over to the Apple farm. I arrived, was warmly greeted by Applejack and her family, and they ushered me inside.
In the dining room, my eyes latched onto two things immediately: One, a nice, fat, freshly grilled juicy piece of steak on a plate on the table. My mouth began to water.
Two… A cow standing on the other side of the table, all smiles.
I immediately froze, as the cow’s smile grew.
“Hello dear. My name is Daisy. It’s a pleasure to meet you!”
“Ummm,” I began, “you too. I’m Shepherd.”
I stood there, confused. The cow kept smiling.
“Go on ahead,” she said happily, “dig in! You need the meat!”
“Ummm,” I replied, looking at the steak. Daisy followed my eyes, and then shook her head.
“Oh, no! No! Don’t be shy!”
“Er,” I tried, “but the thing is… I mean… What are you doing here?”
The cow chuckled. “Oh, I’m here to see my friend’s end. That’s all.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, my voice a bit higher pitched than normal. Daisy nodded.
“I knew the cow you’re about to eat,” she explained. “Go on, sit! Sit!”
I very, very slowly walked over to the table. I sat down, the steak’s wonderful scent still wafting into my nostrils. I stared at it for a while, then looked back at Daisy.
"Er... You sure you're okay with this?" I asked. Daisy nodded enthusiastically, still all smiles.
"Oh yes. Circle of life and all that!" She said brightly.
"I mean,” I tried again, “you knew this cow."
Daisy nodded.
"Yes."
"And she was close to you,” I continued. Daisy’s smile became… Sinister.
"As close as enemies can get,” she practically crooned, “Hurry up, she's getting cold!"
I stared at the steak. I picked up the fork and knife the Apples had very kindly provided me-From where, I didn’t know. I slowly cut off a piece, the meat giving way easily. I lifted it to my mouth, as I worked my jaw.
I opened my mouth, and bit down on it. Juicy deliciousness, all around. I nearly groaned in ecstasy at the taste of perfectly grilled meat.
"Yessss,” Daisy hissed, her eyes gleaming, “How does that bitch taste? Fatty from all the grass she stole from me? Rich like all the bulls she stole from me?!”
She leaned over the table, glaring at the steak in vicious glee.
“HOW DOES IT FEEL, MABEL?! HOW DOES IT FEEL?!"
"And I think we're done here,” I decided, standing up and taking my plate with me. I turned and headed for the door, Daisy now ranting.
"BURN IN HELL, MABEL!"
"STOP YELLING AT MY MEAT!"
God, maybe I should just become vegan.
I had another bite of Mabel-I mean the steak. I shook my head.
Nah.
Oh I think I remember this short.
Cows have a Hell?
Wasn’t this a post from a while ago? Ah well, it’s still funny!
Yeah he should, he will have enough protein if he just eats lentils, beans, pickcheak, etc, 500g cooked a day, not raw, fruits, vegetables, seeads for the other nutrients, mushrooms for vit d, and because the crops are being naturally harvested, I think he wouldn't need b12 supplements, he will get enough bacteria from them.
Dude, don't call us plucky. We don't know what it means. We're more optimistic, yes.
I want more
But tq for the chapter
Very funny chapter--I loved how that cow showed her dislike for her adversary.
It was glorious.
That said, one could live on chickens and even rodents(like they do in Peru with their roasted Guinea Pig)--as long as one eats everything, entrails included. Not raw, for obvious reasons and washed thoroughly--but still, a good stew with everything inside with plenty of spice should do the trick.
The red meat has that advantage--to provide everything with a couple of portions a week. Liver nearly all of it--thus the suggestion of having liver once a week instead of regular red meat.
Pity that the taste of liver is very harsh on one's palate if one didn't grow with it.
Also, all hail Filthy Frank and his skit about vegans.
10314643
Ponies have Tartarus
Cows have the grill down bellow, HELL...
Griffons have KFC
10315213
and the worst fate of all
seaponys have long john silvers
Damn I didn’t know these cows could be that cold
10314643
It’s the name of the grill that all bad cows go to
Funny, but one really can do without red meat - there are hundreds of millions of Hindus and Buddhists who don't eat it for religious reasons and get along just fine without supplements. Strict veganism is tricky to do with purely natural foods, but that's not what we're talking about here. [1]
(I have a headcanon myself that cows sell their bodies to the leather and glue industries upon death.)
10314727
Judging from the downvotes, a lot of representatives of the Bacon Culture here.
[1] A meat eater myself, but see no reason to spread propaganda for the American Beef Council.
10321328
Don't know why people down voted, I said the fact that he can live a long helthy without meat, and the prota should'nt worry, it's another matter he choses to look for meat anyway.
10314643
It's called McDonald's
dancingastronaut.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/hamburgar-ronald-mcdonald.jpg
10327480
Or the cow level in diablo.
Ah yes. The cow mafia. Finding new and inventive ways of disposing of bodies.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...... Christ, that's funny. I love the mental image of a cow bumping off and eenmy by feeding them to griffons or something.
Haha, sweet
That’s twisted.
I love it!
10315529
I thought the Sea Ponies had Captain D's? LJS actually tastes too good to be their Hell.
10352388
Depends on where you are. Around here, LJS is horrible and Captain D's is pretty good.
10341997
If you can stomach the idea that cows apparently lack the pony equivalent of human rights.
HA HA HA! Stomach!
10321328
I wasn't going to downvote you for the statement about people living without meat. That's true.
I will downvote you for your edit. There's no need for that kind of attitude.
uuuuuuh........ok?
First thing I thought of when he saw the cow was that she had donated a pound of her, still living, flesh, and was there bc a-la:
JFC That is hella scary
That's what she said.
...wait.
That's bullshit, you know right?
Yes going full vegan is rife with risk of deficiencies.
Full vegetarian, aka eggs, milk e vegetables is perfectly fine for a normal human, add chicken and fish and you are golden. ^^;;; The problem with a widespread vegetarian diet is not one of health... it is that it really does nothing on the animal welfare side ^^ You still need HUGE amount of livestock, You need to have a lot of chicks, half of which [the male ones] must be disposed in some way. For milk you need calves and also those need to be disposed...
10314727
Nope, you can't be certain of that.
Not everyone can go vegan.
He may be one of those that NEEDS animal byproduct in his diet.
In addition without a good system of blood testing you can't be sure that you are not missing proper nutrient with a vegan diet.
10321337
Eh, don't mind them. Sorry you got so much flack.
10568590
One they are right that you *can* live a Vegan diet all your life.
I feel some of the down vote might be just people annoyed of it being put in their face again and the attitude of the other guy's comment of "Beef Council Propaganda".
Beef is environmentally a disaster, Dairy Beef is better though lower quality. Pork, wool mutton & chicken are the best environmentally and on par with alot of the non-meat options.
10607703
There really is nothing wrong with bein, or not being, vegan, but if I were him, in a world where the animals have names and can talk back, I think I'd cut back on the meat, a bit
BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
that was really morbid and funny!
DAMN!
Holy shiiittt... Thats dark as fuuuuuck...
Neat
10627962
You can do vegetarian (more doable with exceptions) and vegan in a higher tech society. Medieval wise its sorta doable but the problem here is that things like soy and a few other items that people in India use for protein substitutes aren't harvested or grown in any significant numbers to be economical to the ponies. We are semi obligate carnivores. We can eat grains and so on but we NEED certain red meat proteins and fats that are usually only found in various red meat.
Rabbits and Geese would probably be the best sources since while rabbit is a lean meat it is easily replenished and geese can have the fats we need alongside being egg layers and guardians while also having a decent population. Barring Angel I'm going to imagine most rabbits are as stupid there as here. And geese are a very bully type of birds. Pork and goat would be very problematic in this case, since while pig population could be decently large goats seem to be more on the cow side of sentience.
@Voltage
Also to the common man trying to be vegan is only doable if you know exactly what plants and items you need for substitutions for the needed nutrients. If you had to look up the list on the net to know how to argue a point about vegan diet then somebody off the street is very unlikely to know such ways to balance it without basically killing themselves or killing off their organs.
Revenge is served well Seasoned 👍
The eater of my enemy is my friend. LOL.
11073414
Interessting Philosophie
I like it. Its delices
Ponies:
"Make your enemies your friends and you get rid if the opposition."
Humans:
"Eat the enemies of someone to make friends."
10314643
Isn't hell for cows the meat grinder? The last I meet was at Mac Donalds I think?
10315000
Was it glorious? Not delicious? 👍
10315213
That one was priceless. Ponies have the mongolian restaurant i guess?
10316000
Revenge is served warm in sauce this day
10316003
What about Hot Dogs?
10327480
The current 5,99 menu gives two burgers, 1 fry medium and a soft drink. Loving em
10333020
OK... that was... BRILLIANT 👍
10341997
Rare in sauce, the humor was delicious
10360708
Burying corpses is wasteful, any ideas how mutch zoo could profit if we donate all bodies by default as lion food? 👍
10481607
Dun duun duuun
10743384
I wonder if the have Groffon chicken wings ...
I am going to miss this humor ♡