A Human, a Pony Princess and a Mistake
Chapter 24: Mental Shadows
“I hate you,” Rainbow sulked. It was the morning after Rainbow’s Birthaversary. Sometime between the prank and now, Rainbow had realized she had, in fact, been pranked. Rainbow was making her displeasure known by pouting up a storm. Tom thought it looked adorable.
“If lies make you happy,” Rainbow somehow started pouting even more. Tom was sure she was about to hit critical pouting mass. Actually, knowing how crazy Equuis was, that might actually be a real thing. Or at the very least, Discord could probably make it a thing.
However, before he could give voice to his thoughts, Moon Dancer came stumbling down the stairs. Tom caught one look at her face and knew something was very wrong. Moon Dancer had clearly been crying and she looked so very, very lost.
“Tom, Twilight, I- I-,” She couldn’t even finish her sentence.
“Moon Dancer, what’s wrong?” Spike asked with great concern.
“Rainbow, take Spike and go get breakfast at Sugar Cube,” Tom ordered.
“What? No! Moon Dancer needs help, I’m not gonna-”
“Rainbow, please,” Twilight begged, “The best way you can help Moon Dancer is by letting Tom and I take care of her. To do that, we need to talk about some sensitive things.”
“Alright. Come on Spike,” Rainbow chose to trust her friends and snatched up Spike to take him out for breakfast. Once they were gone, Tom and Twilight moved to comfort Moon Dancer.
“Moon Dancer, tell us what’s wrong,” Twilight requested softly. Moon Dancer was trembling and she didn’t answer right away. Tom and Twilight were patient with her and eventually she spoke.
“I woke up this morning and I was feeling pretty bad. It wasn’t a sick feeling, just, like I didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself to get up and went to the bathroom. I was just brushing my teeth when I- when I- I wanted to stab myself in the eye with my toothbrush!” Moon Dancer lost what little composure she had. She started trembling violently and tears flowed freely. Tom pulled her in for a hug.
“We’re proud of you for coming to us with this,” Twilight whispered gently.
“But why? I was doing better!” Moon Dancer wailed.
“Yes, you’ve been on the upswing since coming to live with us, but as much as I hate to say it, that doesn’t mean you’re cured. You’re still going to have bad days. You know you can come to us with anything, right? It doesn’t matter if it’s the dead of night or whatever. If you need us, we’ll be there for you,” Tom promised.
“You should just have me committed. I’m not safe and you can’t watch me 24/7,” Moon Dancer sadly stated.
“Is that what you really want, Moon Dancer?” Twilight asked seriously.
“You didn’t actually try to stab yourself, right? How strong was the thought to do so?” Tom questioned.
“The thought of being committed still scares me,” Moon Dancer confessed, “It was just a passing thought, but it scared me so badly.”
“Then we won’t commit you unless that’s what you really want,” Twilight told her, “We can’t involuntarily commit you unless you actually try to commit suicide or threaten to do so, as you still have the capability of consent.”
“Can I…can I talk it over with Fluttershy?” Moon Dancer asked.
“Of course,” Tom said simply, “Do you want something to eat first, or do you want to go now?”
“I don’t think I can stomach food right now,” Moon Dancer admitted.
So the trio walked out to Fluttershy’s house, a comforting wing over Moon Dancer’s back the whole way. They found Fluttershy going through her usual morning routine of getting her animals fed. Fluttershy spotted them as they walked up to her cottage.
“Good morning,” She called out, “What brings you here this early?” As Fluttershy flew over to greet them, she noticed how miserable Moon Dancer looked.
“Moon Dancer had a scare this morning. She’s thinking about committing herself, but wanted to talk with you first,” Twilight informed her.
“Come inside, I’ll prepare some tea,” Fluttershy opened her door and started getting the tea ready as soon as she entered her kitchen. Her guests sat down on her couch.
“Do you want to talk to Fluttershy alone, or do you want us to stay with you?” Tom asked Moon Dancer. Moon Dancer thought it over for a minute before answering.
“I want you here. If I do decide to be committed, I want you to come with me when I do it,” Moon Dancer finally replied. Fluttershy set down the tea and sat in an open chair.
“Now, first things first, tell me what happened,” Fluttershy requested. So Moon Dancer repeated what she had told Tom and Twilight. Fluttershy considered for a moment.
“I can understand why that would be scary and why you’d want to be committed after that. What’s so scary about being committed?” Fluttershy asked calmly, “It might be the best thing for you.”
“I don’t want to lose my privacy. I don’t want to lose my freedom. I don’t want strangers staring at me constantly, judging me. I feel like if I get committed, that’d be admitting I’m…broken,” Moon Dancer’s word just tumbled out of her mouth, “But I’m afraid of what I’d do if I’m not committed."
“You haven’t done anything yet, besides cutting yourself and you’ve stopped doing that.” Fluttershy reminded.
“But what if next time it’s more than just a passing thought? What if I can’t stop myself?” Moon Dancer said softly.
“I think you’re stronger than you seem,” Tom spoke up, “And braver than you believe. I may have confronted you about it, but you were the one strong enough to stop cutting. You’ve never once tried to go behind our backs and you haven’t had a relapse.”
“How do you know that?! You know I can cast illusions, yet you’ve never cast a reveling spell on me!” Moon Dancer suddenly shouted.
“Have you still been cutting?” Tom asked patiently.
“No…” Moon Dancer deflated.
“I haven’t cast reveling spells on you because I believe trusting you is important. I’ll trust you until you prove you’re unworthy of that trust, which you haven’t. If you decide commitment is the best choice, then I’ll trust you on that too,” Tom told her, "If knowing you're safe and can't hurt yourself is what you need, then get committed. We won't think less of you."
“I agree with Tom. Trust is a pillar of any relationship. We both trust you enough to make your own right answer,” Tom’s eyes flicked to Twilight, but otherwise did nothing. If she wanted to use his words to help Moon Dancer, that was fine with him.
“I know when my animals are feeling a little blue, a familiar safe place helps them. Have you been generally happier since coming to Ponyville?” Fluttershy asked.
“Of course! I know everyone around me cares about me. I’ve reconnected with my old school friends. Almost every day, something fun and crazy is happening. My research is actually being used to help someone instead of just learning for its own sake. I’m honestly surprised by how good that makes me feel,” Moon Dancer said with a small smile.
“So maybe staying in that loving environment will help you more than getting committed,” Fluttershy suggested. Moon Dancer let out a sigh.
“Maybe all it comes down to is what I value more: my safety or my friends and freedom,” Moon Dancer said softly.
“I don’t think that’s a good way of viewing it,” Tom opined, “Your friends want you alive and happy. If being committed helps that, then we’ll be behind you 100%. If being out here, getting wrapped up in our insanity helps that, then we’ll support you in that choice too.” Moon Dancer slumped a bit in her seat.
“I don’t know what to do,” Moon Dancer moaned.
“There’s no perfect answer, Moon Dancer,” Fluttershy admitted, “Some will argue it is irresponsible of us not to be doing our best to convince you to be committed and that your safety is paramount. Others think that being committed is giving up and that being committed at all is unacceptable and if we try to convince you to be committed then we’re deciding that you aren’t worth the effort. None of that matters. All that matters is what you, personally, think of the matter.”
“The difference between surviving and living?” Moon Dancer asked.
“If that’s how you want to view it,” Fluttershy commented neutrally.
“You could also talk to a psychiatrist. They might be able to prescribe you something that helps,” Twilight suggested.
“The idea of my mood being controlled by a little pill…I don’t like it,” Moon Dancer said with a shake of her head.
“If you commit yourself, you’ll more than likely be forced to take drugs anyway,” Tom noted, “Given that you’ve stopped cutting and haven’t actively tried to commit suicide, I’d presume they’d only give you a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. Maybe only the antidepressant, I’m not a psychiatrist so I can’t say.”
“I think you should talk to a professional regardless. They know more about this than any of us,” Twilight added.
“I can put you in contact with my therapist, Dr. Thoughts, if you like. He can also recommend a psychiatrist to you,” Fluttershy offered.
“I think that might be my best option right now. I’ll talk to Dr. Thoughts and a psychiatrist. If they can help, then I won’t commit myself. If they can’t, then I will,” Moon Dancer decided. Choice made, Moon Dancer felt the tension in her Heart ease a bit. She was still afraid of what the future would hold, but she knew that with her friends, she could face it.
at the end of the day we are all just memorys and experences and at the end of the day those dark days will stick with you but hopefully through gaining what you lacked before will help prevent relapse and repair the mental damage that actions such as cutting and suicidal thoughts do.
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Being trapped has a way of making you appreciate freedom, in all its forms. Chrysalis was trapped for far longer than most. The metaphorical pressure cooker Chrissy was in usually produces one of two results. Either a triumphant overcoming of adversity and becoming a better person for it or the destruction of all that is good and decent in one's Heart. I view Chrysalis as falling to the latter in canon, but in this story she has conquered her trials with aplomb.
Did Chrysalis and her Changeling Swarm fall upon ancient civilizations in the past? Almost certainly. But one act of reaching out in friendship showed there was a better way. Chrysalis always cared for her children first and foremost, but in the harsh environment of her early life, she thought the only way to see to her children's safety was to suck others dry of Love and then conquer them. Luna taught her that not all would instantly turn their swords and spells upon those who were different.
Chrysalis nearly forgot this lesson, but due to timely intervention, she remembered. She knew there was a better way, a chance for a happier life for her children, so she seized it with both hooves when it was proven to her that Luna had not betrayed her.
Was Chrysalis snapping out of her madness from Shining and Cadence's Love Blast a bit lazy? Yeah, but I like to think that the Love Blast was a complete shock to her system. Being on the precipice of death by starvation and then suddenly being stuffed to full while being catapulted who knows how far is bound to shake anyone. I could have probably explained it better, but then I'd run the risk of Chrysalis expositing to Luna something Luna should be able to figure out for herself.
Maybe I can have Cadence ask her about it when they inevitably meet? Sounds like a plan to me~
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You make a horribly good points, good sir!
And yes, please dedicate a chapter or two to explain her story. She always had a potential to be a tragic villain in the show and yet they never truly explored this possibility. And I was really sad when she refused her chance for redemption.
But hell, she end up a bit too fluffy. She need a chance to kick ass in the near future. Otherwise all this fluff in the air will condense in Fluffle Puff. Not that it will be a bad thing...
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Cadence and Chrysalis will probably have a meeting just before or directly after Leap of Faith. Both are technically foreign dignitaries, so a meeting is inevitable. Caddy will certainly have a fair few questions for our favorite Bug Horse.
As for Chrysalis getting a chance to strut her stuff...there might be a certain Tatzlwurm that was conspicuously absent...
FLUFFLE PUFF EEEEEEEEE!
...What? "Boarder case"? This ain't no boarding school. I believe the word you're looking for is "border".
Also, it's "etc." - et cetera.
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what would I do without you?
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...Have unpolished Author's Notes? Have something that's only mostly well-written?
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The Horror! The absolute horror!
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Aye, and all the characters are being held hostage when a writer doesn't let the characters do what they want *coughJKRowlingcough*
I'd say the very fact that you writing this story to us and told us you had the same problem is a proof that was a right choice.
BTW, there's no indication in the show that pegasi absolutely can't cast magic with their wings or just through a hoof. Same as unicorns absolutely have to use a horn and can't learn to cast magic without one. In fact, Fizzlepop were clearly capable to use magic even with a broken horn even though without a fine control. We know for sure that pegasi have magic in them and can project it naturally to do some basic things, same as unicorns can levitate stuff. It might just be that they need a bit more concentration and training than unicorns to cast anything complex. Nobody just ever tried due to being convinced that casing spells is solely unicorns thing. Same goes for earth ponies, BTW and Pinkie is a great example. She could be a Chaos touched, she could be an avatar of a goddess or she could be more in align with her natural magic and crazy enough to ignore stereotypes.
Well, I gotta say, that was something, tackling ponies with suicidal thoughts.
Well, that was a cheery chapter.
Committing won't help. Been going through simmilar stuff for decades, and have been thinking of ending up in a hospital in the same manner for a long time. Three and a half years of therapy, medication and counseling, and I've learned to deal with it. Still have some nasty days, and grabbing a knife still makes me regularly have dark thoughts and impulses, but otherwise I'm dealing.
As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I really like Moondancer's character here. I can't count how many times I've contemplated suicide, only to stop when I think about what that would do to my mother. I gave my handgun to my father during a particularly bad episode, when I didn't think I'd have the strength to stop myself. Seeing a character deal with similar issues and being helped by their friends is so uplifting to me. I've loved this story so far and this chapter has instantly placed this in my favorites library.