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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting. I quite like how this story has begun. Looking forward to reading more. Though, I did see a few spelling mistakes, but thankfully they weren't that plentiful.
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Agreed on all fronts. Squoze, while not really a mistake, is a very unusual way of saying squeezed, and it actually pulled me out of the story a bit.
Maybe slow down, other than that an interesting premise and a decent start.
Bullshit. Maybe, maybe, first publicly presented story. But I’ll eat my left foot before believe something this good is anyone’s first go.
Fuck both of you. People mourn in different ways, he didn't owe Celestia a side to cry on. Lyra, you only just learned the situation.
And even if she had to, why should someone close to the person you put out for 1k years comfort you? I know you felt horrible but how did Artemis feel, with the pony that failed her sister and banished her?
Really, fuck you Celestia.
This looked like an intriguing beginning. Let's see where this would lead us to.
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Ponies are like that, they stick together despite only knowing each other for 2 minutes.
Inbuilt Xenophobia.
HOW DARE YOU INSULT WILSON LIKE THIS
After reading this first chapter I absolutely will not be reading the rest of this because holy /shit/ have you set up a train wreck in my eyes this first chapter. Let's go over the reasons point by point:
1. Your Celestia is narcissistic to the point of being abusive. She storms back into Artemis' life and the first thing she does is strike Artemis and then berate her for "abandoning her" to mourn and grieve in her own way. Also she derides Artemis' alcoholism more as a "dirty habit" than any real concern, she doesn't understand it and doesn't care to. Her comments are first about the smell and the bottles and never even questions the heath effects or even checks for the obvious signs of overconsumption. Also her solution is "I know someone who's read medical and psychological textbooks, that'll work for getting rid of that dirty habit, no need to contact or, ugh, /pay for/ an actual professional with experience and proper expectations of what to go through." Which is, you know, a /great/ indicator of how much she actually cares for Artemis, never mind that they way you've set this up implies that Artemis took up drinking as a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma surrounding Nightmare Moon. And then she seems dead set on recreating the traumatic circumstances that led to Artemis drinking in the first place given the allusions to teaching Luna, and then jamming Artemis back into that role without even consulting her and at the same time as taking away her primary coping mechanism. But no, no "we'll get you right back to the way /I/(Celestia) remember you, with none of those filthy habits unbecoming of /my/ people and everything will be right in /my/ world never mind what kind of stress this puts you (Artemis) under and you'll do that for me won't you? You owe me after all when you selfishly abandoned /me/ to oh I don't know grieve or whatever."
2. The character /of/ Artemis as the guilt riddled, depressed, alcoholic with probably some PTSD thrown in for good measure. Jesus fucking christ where do I begin here. Seeing as we've got Twilight instead of an actual professional I hope she's more socially aware than in the show 'cause she's going to spend half her time on suicide watch as opposed to tackling the alcoholism especially if Celly keeps popping back around to hurl more abuse. Because while Artemis wasn't exactly living a healthy lifestyle, nor was she in a great place mentally it seems like she's going to dive straight into a far worse place without the ability to refuse. Her not rejecting any of the abuse Celly threw at her? That part certainly makes sense if she feels responsible for NMM, likewise with accepting all of Celly's demands but at this rate I expect Artemis to be a side character not the main since she's heading straight for suicide in two to three chapters time /at most/. The amount of narrative causality you need to use to keep her alive to the double digits of chapters I think you're already on is well beyond anything I can suspend my disbelief for. Sure trying to tackle everything at once /might/ be the shortest road to recovery, but it also has the highest odds of catastrophically blowing up in everyone's face. Simultaneously jamming Artemis into circumstances and roles that are deeply related to the trauma that she copes with via alcohol while removing said coping mechanism is a great way to, as mentioned previously cause serious harm if not death.
On a technical level (spelling, grammar etc) I've found no issues whatsoever but your characters are something I want nothing to do with
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Wow... I mean, you're clearly a very passionate person and I think that's great!
Thanks for at least looking at the story and writing such a long comment, I'm sorry that you didn't like it, but there are reasons the characters are that way.
Maybe one day you'll give the rest of it a chance. If not, that's okay, you can't please everyone.
C'est la vie
I like how artemis is kinda tom boyish. I'll be honest, i have a hard time reading storys with a female lead, but im trying to get better. I think this is just what ill need. I honestly didnt know untill i noticed a trend on how the protagonists were all dudes. Ive read a series where the lead was a girl but it was a story where it was just a kid, so there wasnt any sexual content.
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Thanks so much! I'm so glad you're giving it a chance. I hope you enjoy!
Oh she did her dirty. THat's just low.
"Every being has their breaking points. I guess that was mine. She is so much strong than me…
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I wasn’t there to help pick up the pieces" something is wrong here I dont know what but something like grammar wise