What Is a Pie?

by The Iguana Man

Something Less?

As usual, Rarity thoroughly lost track of time during her stay in the steam room. While she was hovering in that negative space between waking and dreaming, she was confident that the world could be coming to an end outside and she would barely notice. In fact, she had, once or twice, worried that might be a problem, given that she would most likely be needed in such an apocalypse.

Fortunately, she was confident that the twins' self-preservation instincts outweighed their professionalism. Even if it would likely be a photo finish between the two impulses.

Rarity blinked her eyes open as she recognised the mixed metaphor – usually a sign that she'd been in the steam room long enough.

Sure enough, Aloe came over to help her finish rising to awareness, while Lotus started gently attempting to rouse Pinkie.

“Mn, five more minutes, Mommy, the rocks can wait that long,” Pinkie mumbled as she snuggled deeper into her tail.

Lotus looked up at Rarity with a bewildered expression, but Rarity just shrugged at her. Shrugging back, Lotus continued waking Pinkie.

“I am happy you are enjoying our steam room, Miss Pie, but it is time for ze next stage. Do you vish to cut your treatment short?” Rarity had just about recovered her consciousness enough to recognise the slight hint of hope in Lotus's voice. It took another couple of seconds to understand it, but then she remembered that she had come to the spa with Pinkie Pie. While things had gone very well so far, it was best to keep one's guard up.

After a few more seconds of gentle nudging, Pinkie finally uncurled, giving a little yawn. “Ah, that was really nice. I didn't know being covered in boiling water could feel so good.

Rarity frowned in confusion, opening her mouth ask Pinkie what she was talking about before she realized that, like most things Pinkie said, it made sense from a certain, very strange point of view.

Pinkie rubbed her eyes before crossing them, looking at the long strand of hair in front of them – her voluminous hair had absorbed a lot of water and was hanging much heavier than usual. Giggling, she took the long strand hanging in front of her face and twisted it, wringing the water from it like a towel. After one such twist, she released it and it inexplicably became as light and springy as it usually was. That done, she hopped to her feet and followed Lotus out of the room.

Rarity smiled as she too exited the room – by Pinkie's standards, that was positively restrained.

The two were led down a short corridor to a room with two large pools of mud inside. Before Pinkie could comment, she saw the twins bring out some large lengths of seaweed.

“Ooh!” Pinkie exclaimed, her face lighting up. “I didn't know you guys provided snacks as well as service. Although,” her expression dimmed somewhat, “I'm not sure I can eat that much.”

Rarity spoke up before either of the twins could facehoof. “No, dear, this isn't for eating – it's a seaweed wrap. It goes around our body so our skin can absorb the nutrients and minerals.”

“Wrapping us in tasty-looking seaweed?” Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Rarity. “Are you sure this isn't a trick to wrap me up like sushi so that I'll taste better when a giant eats me?”

Rarity nodded, doing her best to keep her face absolutely straight. “Positive, darling.”

Pinkie sighed in relief, the corner of her mouth quirking up. “Well, good. Fool me twice, shame on me!” She held out her hoof for the twins to begin wrapping her.

Rarity did the same, giggling quietly at Pinkie's probably-fantasies. In short order, the two of them were thoroughly swaddled in seaweed.

“And now, ve apply ze face masks,” Lotus said as Aloe got out a large tin.

“Ooh, I love masks!” Pinkie said. “Whadda they look like? Mummies? Werewolfies? Ex-President Nick Sun?”

“Wrong kind of mask, Pinkie dear,” Rarity said as Aloe began applying the thick liquid to her face. “It's the term for this face covering, you see?”

Pinkie frowned, her head retreating slightly from Lotus's brush, eliciting a sigh from the spa pony. “Like makeup? I dunno, I hate makeup. Every time I have to wear it on stage, it feels like my face is being smothered.”

Rarity managed to keep herself from rolling her eyes. “I assure you, it's not like that at all – it's more like a pleasant cream. And, well, I'm sure our dear friends here wouldn't do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable. So why not try a spot of it on your face and see how you like it? If it feels too bad, they can simply wipe it off.”

Pinkie's frown remained in place, but she nevertheless stopped putting her head back. “Okay, I guess I can try it.”

Hesitantly, Lotus dabbed a small blob onto Pinkie's cheek. Pinkie hummed as Rarity and the twins looked on, a palpable tension in the air.

After a second, though, Pinkie smiled again. “Hey, you're right! That does feel pretty good. Like a little custard pie!” She put her head forward, silently asking Lotus continue applying the cream, which she happily did as Pinkie continued. “Clothes made of food and pies in the face! This place is way more fun than I thought it'd be!”

At this, Rarity and the twins exchanged an unsure look – things had been going alright so far, but that statement did not bode well.

Still, the face masks were applied without incident and the twins presented the two of them with cucumber slices.

Pinkie opened her mouth before hesitating and looking at Rarity. “So, are these snacks or...”

Rarity shook her head with a patient smile. “No, they're for your eyes, to stop them going puffy.”

Pinkie's mouth went to the side in thought. “Hmm, I dunno – I have always kinda wanted to look like Marshy Field-Moon.” She grabbed a piece of the seaweed wrap and somehow flapped it over her head into a hood. She ducked down, creating a hunch on her back, bugged out her eyes far more that a pony should have been able to and pointed. “There wolf!” She pointed out of the window. “There castle!” She pointed at Rarity. “There pretty pony!” At that, however, she straightened up, blinking heavily. “Ow, on second thought, that kinda hurts my eyes, let's go with the cucumbers.”

Rarity didn't really notice either the compliment or the complaint, as she had noticed that Pinkie had indeed pointed out of the window towards Twilight's castle and was wondering if there was a wolf somewhere in the direction she had initially pointed.

She was brought out of her ponderings when Lotus handed her her own cucumber slices. Smiling at both her service and her patience, she put them over her eyes and allowed herself to be led over to the mud baths.

“Oh, hey,” She heard Pinkie say in front of her. “It's a giant puddle! I know just what to do with that!”

Rarity's eyes widened as she remembered Pinkie's intense love of jumping in puddles every time the town had a rainstorm. She quickly levitated one of the cucumber slices away and looked, ready to dive forward and hold Pinkie back or, if necessary, tackle her out of the air.

However, to her surprise, she did not catch Pinkie in pre- or mid-leap. Instead, she had gotten a coat from somewhere and was laying it out on top of the mud pool.

She bowed deeply in mock-reverence. “After you, Milady.”

Rarity's sigh of relief transitioned into a chuckle at Pinkie's joke.

After a moment, however, Pinkie looked up at her expectantly. “Well, go on! Walk over it!”

Rarity blinked, looking for any trace of sarcasm or irony on Pinkie's face and finding none.

Looking unsure, Rarity slowly stepped forward, terrified that Pinkie would insist on her stepping fully onto the coat and, thus, falling face-first into the pool.

However, to her surprise, Pinkie's hoof dived under the coat, staying where Rarity's hoof landed and supporting her.

Rarity looked at Pinkie, seeing no strain on her face, and shook her head. One day, she would cease to be surprised how far Pinkie would go for a joke, but it seemed today was not that day.

Smiling, Rarity put her other front hoof over to the other side of the bath, followed by repeating the process with her back hooves. As she did, however, she noticed a logo on the coat.

Standing on the edge of the other tub, Rarity decided that a bit of turnabout was fair play and spoke over her shoulder. “I cannot help but notice, Ms. Pie, that that was one of Holly Star's pieces that you just caked in mud.

Peering out of the corner of her eye, Pinkie looked down at the coat, a little fretful. “Oh, was that bad? I didn't know that was bad, I'm sorry.”

Rarity snorted and turned away fully, her nose going in the air in exaggerated indignation. “Hmph, I should think so too! I mean, the sheer nerve – that you would even think of, let alone execute, such a horrific insult to high quality mud!” As she stepped down into the mud bath, she looked over her shoulder to see Pinkie, already submerged and with the slices over her eyes, realize the joke and smile.

“Heehee, I'm sorry. Next time, I'll be sure to use a Cocci original.”

“See that you do!” Rarity nodded firmly before letting her serious expression drop in favour of a relaxed smile as she settled in, replacing her own cucumber slice over her eye.

A couple of seconds passed before Pinkie spoke up again. “Wow, this feels really weird. Like, a good kinda weird, but still weird. Kinda like being hugged all over by a massive blob of goo!”

“Indeed,” Rarity replied, “I do recall thinking something similar the first time I experienced it. Albeit with a somewhat less... unusual simile. Still, I found that talking helped one get used to it faster.”

“I thought we were both more comfortable talking all the time anyway,” Pinkie pointed out.

Rarity cleared her throat, a touch embarrassed by Pinkie's not-entirely-inaccurate statement. “Well, I suppose one could say that, but I mean that it helps more than usual, especially considering the lack of visual stimulus.”

“Are you sure there isn't any “visual stimulus?” Pinkie asked. “I don't know – I can't see anything with these cucumbers over my eyes.”

To someone less attuned to Pinkie's mode of speaking, that statement would probably have sounded sincerely ignorant. However, Rarity heard that touch of affected innocence that signalled that Pinkie was making a joke. As such, she made sure to signal her appreciation by adding a touch of gentle sarcasm to her response.

“I'll be sure to tell you if we encounter some. Anyway, because you can't see anything but cucumber and almost all of your skin is covered by an unfamiliar sensation, keeping your sense of hearing busy should help you to adjust quickly.”

“Oh, okay. We better start talking about something, right?” Pinkie stated, despite that statement being infamously difficult to actually start a conversation with.

Fortunately, Rarity was prepared. “Quite. When I first experienced this, I was with my Mother and she and I talked for nearly the entire time. Well, I suppose it would be more accurate to say she talked to me. I was a bit busy... well, I wouldn't exactly say panicking, but...” She trailed off, leaving the implication hanging.

“Huh. I guess you were scared of getting dirty, right?”

“Oh, no!” Rarity said, casually enough to dispel any discomfort about the subject matter. “Even back then, I knew that there was a world of difference between the mud in the spa and the mud on a farm. In the same way as there's a difference between mixing blue and yellow paint to make green and mixing all the paints you have into a black-brown sludge.” Rarity shuddered a little at the thought.

“Huh, that makes sense.” Pinkie said thoughtfully. “So then why were you frightened?”

Rarity snorted gently. “Well, I was ten years old at the time. My hooves didn't reach the bottom of the bath and the mud was thick enough that I wouldn't sink. I was essentially floating unsupported. It was rather disconcerting.”

“Aw, that's so adorable,” Pinkie cooed. “Wittle Wawity being all scaredy-waredy, adrift in a strange sea until her Mommy's love helped her find her floating feet.”

Rarity sighed silently. She knew Pinkie meant well with that statement, but she couldn't help but feel a little patronized. Still, she did raise an eyebrow at Pinkie's wording. “You mean floating hooves, surely? I assure you, while I have changed a lot since I was a filly, I was neither a primate nor a dragon.”

“Won't Spike be disappointed?” Pinkie giggled. “And yeah, I know, but hooves doesn't start with an F, so I'd lose the absolutely amazingly awesome alliteration.”

“How adroit,” Rarity added.

“Still, though, your Mommy must have been really good – floating in this kinda mud couldn't have been fun at first. Musta been like one of those floaty, sense-cutty-offy tanks."

Rarity took a couple of seconds to figure out what Pinkie was referring to. “A sensory deprivation tank? Yes, I've heard about those – apparently one or two spas in Canterlot and Manehattan have them. I'm not certain I see the appeal myself. Part of the joy of the spa is experiencing it with friends. Besides, it must get terribly dull.”

“Yeah, I tried one once and you're kinda right,” Pinkie said slowly as she reminisced. “Everyone told me that, once you're in there for a while, you start having really weird thoughts and imagining crazy things. But I stayed in there for like an hour and didn't notice any difference.”

Rarity smiled at the unintended implication. “No, I don't suppose you would have.”

Pinkie giggled once again. “Though maybe it just transferred – the people on the outside sure started thinking and saying weird things when they opened it up and found all the balloons and streamers I'd put up in it.”

“Did you bring them in with you?” Rarity asked, genuinely not knowing which answer would make more sense for Pinkie.

“Of course I did, I always carry some in my mane. But saying that just confused them more – they'd looked through my mane earlier and didn't find them. So I told them you don't find the things in my mane until you're looking for them, but that just made them kinda whimper and ask me to leave. Still dunno what that was all about,” Pinkie finished thoughtfully.

Rarity decided to decline commenting on that. However, the only thing she could think of to say was a question she neither expected nor truly wanted answered. Still, she felt compelled to anyway.

“How do you fit so much in your mane anyway?”

Fortunately, Pinkie gave the only answer Rarity wouldn't be disturbed by. “I dunno. I just do. My theory is that it's so floofy that everything that goes into it get squished into a tiny thing until it comes out and springs back into shape again.”

Rarity nodded. “Yes, yes, I see, that doesn't make sense at all.”

“I didn't think it did!” Pinkie chirped back cheerfully. “I tried getting Twilight to figure it out, but after a few hours she just whimpered and asked me to leave as well. Is there something about super-smart ponies that makes them not like fluffy manes?” She asked, pondering.

“I... daresay it's something in that area, for you, at least,” Rarity said before diplomatically deflecting the question. “Still, I shouldn't think Twilight dislikes your mane too much.”

“Of course she doesn't!” Pinkie replied, not seeming bothered by the prospect. “She always likes patting it when I hug her. How could you not like my mane? It's the perfect hugging mane!” She declared officiously before continuing with a somewhat more contrite tone. “Not that I'm saying it's better than your mane, Rare, yours is way more pretty than mine. You must put a ton of work into it.”

“Oh, not really,” Rarity assured her. “All I need to do is...”

Ten minutes later...

“...with a tea tree and aloe vera solution, then a quick rinse and voila! Not that difficult at all.” Rarity finished.

“Wooooow!” Pinkie said finally. Throughout Rarity's explanation, she'd been giving positive responses that went beyond the normal “uh huh”s and “really?”s, giving Rarity the impression that she was listening, even if she didn't fully understand all of it. “So, I could have my mane looking as super-cool-fancy as yours if I took... let's see, you said that it takes you an hour, triple that for my hair, add another few for the step with the saffron infusion... could use cocoa butter there instead of... carry the seven... about four days!” She finished with a tone in her voice that suggested this was far less time than she feared.

Rarity chuckled. “I've no doubt you could, but I shouldn't worry about doing so. Looking good is not a one-size-fits-all quality. And a good thing it isn't, too, otherwise my job would be infinitely less interesting. A mane looking good isn't just a question of being expertly coiffed, silky smooth, with such natural lustre that it could... ahem!” She snapped herself out of her vanity daydream and continued. “It's much more a question of fitting the pony in question. A mane that looks wonderful on one pony might look utterly revolting on another.”

“Oh, like when Trixie turned your mane green, even though lots of ponies have green manes?” Pinkie asked.

Rarity suppressed a growl at the memory. “Yes, quite so. A mane should always compliment and enhance the pony who bears it. And your mane fits you to an absolute tee.”

“I must say I agree vith Miss Rarity, Miss Pie,” Lotus said from between them. A moment later, she felt Aloe's hoof on her back, signalling for her to take it and be led out of the bath. She could hear Lotus doing the same with Pinkie. “Your hair is vonderfully fitting for you. However, I do have vone request. Please tell us how you clean it, as I can see zat ze mud has gone rather deep into your tail.”

“Huh?” Rarity heard from beside her as she allowed herself to be led to an alcove in the room to be rinsed off. As she removed the cucumbers from her eyes, she saw Pinkie doing the same to reveal a slightly confused look. “Is it that bad? You guys are really good at this and you've probably cleaned hundreds of manes and tails. I thought you had, like, some kinda super special secret spa skills to clean it in a second.”

Lotus blushed a little at Pinkie's praise even as she examined Pinkie's tail with obvious worry. “Vell, ve do consider ourselves... relatively skilled in zis matter.” she picked up the shower head, turned it on and began spraying it on Pinkie's tail experimentally, “However, yours is by far ze most... vibrantly curly mane I have ever encountered. Ze fact zat you are able to keep it like this vithout any obvious tangles is... most impressive. I confess, I am somevhat at a loss as to how to properly rinse it out. How do you normally do so?”

“Oh, easy peasy, lemon squeezy on a Breezie!” Pinkie chirped. “I just shake all the stuff out. Watch this!”

Rarity and both the twins all started speaking at the same time, all at different volumes.

“Miss, zat vill not be...

“No, Miss, please don't...”

“PINKIE, NO!”

However, after the initial outburst, they all covered their faces, trying to protect them from being splashed with mud from a pony shaking like a wet dog.

However, after a couple of seconds, Rarity found that no such splashes were occurring. She could hear a fair bit of heavy liquid impacting the floor, but it seemed that none of it had been launched towards her. Uncurling herself from her defensive stance, she saw what Pinkie meant.

Rather than the massive, full-body shake that her statement had implied and that anyone who knew her would have expected, Pinkie was instead shaking herself, particularly her tail, slightly but immensely quickly – vibrating herself. It wasn't at impossible speeds, despite the fact that Pinkie may well have been capable of achieving them, but it was fast enough to make her seem something of a stationary blur. And, sure enough, as she did so, the mud in the tail was sliding out, helped along by the shower's water until it fell out and onto the floor. There was a tiny amount that splashed onto Lotus, but no more than an ordinary shower would cause.

After about twenty seconds, she slowed down, bringing her tail to a stop and allowing the water to take away the last few specks of mud. She put a hoof to her head for a second, steadying herself before leaning against the wall of the shower area.

“Wooooo, that was really shaky-uppy! I feel all discombobul-obulated!”

Rarity frowned, the whole scene giving her serious concerns. “Pinkie, are you feeling... entirely well? Not feeling queasy or poorly at all?”

It wasn't that Pinkie had acted as if she was sick, but it did strike Rarity that she had been extraordinarily sedate throughout their whole trip. By Pinkie's standards, that is – for anyone else going to the spa, this would be entirely normal. However, for Pinkie, it seemed almost unnatural in its naturalness. She still talked like Pinkie, she still acted like Pinkie, just a worryingly calm and sedate Pinkie.

She obviously wasn't going through one of her... funny turns – her still-curly mane and regular cheerful tone made that clear. In fact, she seemed to be having just as much fun as she usually did while hanging out with her friends. She was just expressing it somewhat mutedly.

This was compounded by Pinkie's smile at Rarity's question. “Yeah, feeling just fine, Rare! How are you feeling?”

“Er, fine.” Rarity replied offhandedly and she considered. She thought back over the previous week to all the times she had encountered Pinkie. She had seemed fine at Berry Punch's birthday party and Carrot Crunch's Cute-ceañera. She hadn't seen her much during Filthy Rich's merger celebration, busy as she was with what networking she could achieve at a Pinkie Party, but she hadn't noticed anything wrong. She obviously hadn't been present at Lyra and Bon-Bon's anniversary party, but she hadn't heard anything problematic about Pinkie or the private celebration she threw. Of course, then Truffle Shuffle, Big Mac, Octavia and Twist all had their birthdays back-to-back, the latter two on the same day, but Rarity had only attended Big Mac's – even for someone as social as her, that many parties in close succession was a bit much.

Still, she couldn't think of anything that suggested Pinkie was feeling any less... Pinkie than normal, so she just settled for asking. “You're sure? You're not feeling bad at all. Because, provided nothing is contagious, it would be no problem – the spa is a great place to recover from such things.”

Pinkie's smile became a little more gentle. “Rarity, I really like how much you care about how I'm feeling, but don't worry – I'm not sick at all. I feel like a rainbow!”

Rarity quirked an eyebrow up. “So, unkempt, rash and prone to naps and crashing?” She asked with an amused smirk.

Pinkie returned the look. “Nope – spicy and not fit for pony consumption!”

Rarity giggled. “Well, do tell me if you start feeling... off at all.”

Pinkie nodded as the twins shut off the showers. “I will, but don't worry. Like you said, the spa's the best place for when you're not feeling at your bestity-best.”

Something about Pinkie's tone made Rarity pause for a second, but she couldn't identify exactly what. Before she could muse on it further, Aloe placed another pair of cucumber slices over her eyes. Throughout the shower, the twins had been careful not to wash any of the cream on their faces off, as they were meant to stay on for longer than the mud baths lasted. She lifted a hoof for Aloe to take, allowing her to lead Rarity to the massage tables.

“Now, if you vould just lie here, Miss Pie, ve vill get started vith your massage.”

“Okey Dokey Lokey!” Rarity heard Pinkie climb on top of the table. Climb, not hop or leap, which furthered Rarity's suspicions that something was off about her. Before she could worry further, however, the massage started and thinking at all suddenly didn't seem like such an important activity.

“So, how does this work?” She heard Pinkie ask. “Is it like a pressure point kinda thing or WHOOOOooooooooaaaaa!" She trailed off into bliss.

Rarity smiled, the little thought she still had focused on being happy that Pinkie was enjoying the experience.

“My vord, Miss Pie, you have so much tension in your back. It vould perhaps be sensible to get at least a massage more often, don't you zink?”

“Uwaughaughaughaughaugh!” Pinkie replied eloquently.

“Zat vould be vise,” Lotus agreed.

Comments

[Gyro Pony]

Mmm, that massage sounds so good.
I can just feel Pinkie's pleasure.

[LucarioFan2066]

was wondering if there was a wolf somewhere in the direction she had initially pointed.

Turns out Applejack and Big Mac had to deal with timberwolves; who knew?

[RoyalBardofCanterlot]

“Of course she doesn't!” Pinkie replied, not seeming bothered by the prospect. “She always likes patting it when I hug her. How could you not like my mane? It's the perfect hugging mane!” She declared officiously before continuing with a somewhat more contrite tone. “Not that I'm saying it's better than your mane, Rare, yours is way more pretty than mine. You must put a ton of work into it.”

That's some cute TwiPie ya got there.

[RoyalBardofCanterlot]

I really love their banter. Wonder what's up with Pinkie?