- Member Since 18th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Yesterday
Jade Ring
The purpose of a story is that it's a story. It can be more, but it can never be less.
Jade Ring
Joined 18th Apr, 2012 ·
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No, no, no, no... c’mon, things can’t end that way.
That ending... it hurts.
At least an epilogue could ease the pain?
Damn fine work you did with this one.
By the Moon that was good! The that ended though
10194552
The epilogue is obvious.....
Celestia and Luna used the Elements of Harmony on Discord.
10194808
I'd think the epilogue would be their reunion 1000+ years in the future, after Luna is freed from the Nightmare.
Ow, that one hit me right in the feels.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Fun how Luna's old-timey dialect is just something she puts on ... though it still doesn’t quite retcon Luna’s behavior in ‘Luna Eclipsed’ perfectly. If she could go in and out of that voice easily now, why will she get stuck in her old-timey dialect later?
-The non-clop opening is certainly immersive ... but is it excessive?
-
the mare’s more experienced appendage surged ahead like the vanguard of an imperial army, conquering all in her wake.-- okay, come on.-This is kind of two separate fics that have been shoved together. The war seems unnecessary for the clopfic, and the clopfic seems unnecessary for the war. Neither one of them really overlaps all that much.
-The way he gets sent into the future is pretty predictable, but that doesn't hurt the way it affects the feels too much.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 70/100
Allure: 80/100
Enticement: 65/100
Immersion: 97/100
Prose Quality: 92/100
Total Score: 404/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10253220
Two years of blood, sweat, and tears... And when the thing's done it's my lowest scoring entry. Ah... I still love it. Probably some of my best character work in the past few years.
You hit the nail on the head, though. I got so wrapped up in the tragic romance that the sex just became secondary.
As requested on Discord, your editing pass and commentary. I have read one of your stories before, of course. Sorry if I came off as hateful, writing lesbian really is difficult! I wasn't being sarcastic.
Before I start with the story proper, I'd like to point out you have a typo in your short description:
Easy to make that mistake because of the awkward writing field you're given by Fimfiction.
Now, this right here is how you start a story. A concise opening single-sentence paragraph followed by a thicker, explanatory paragraph followed by a single-line attention grabber.
This is just my preference but I feel like a scene break (**** in center alignment, not a horizontal rule) would look really nice to transition from the worldbuilding exposition to the action proper, even if the 'action' is Luna walking downstairs thinking about a bucket of KFC.
Ha! Nice one.
Maybe it's me but I'd put hyphens between hard-at-work. Your call, honestly.
Put a hyphen between well-delivered.
I did find it worth wondering why he was being so short with her. Canny move by our narrator to address my concerns.
“I AM…”
The ellipses look strangely like an underscore with the bold and italics attached.
I can totally see why you and GMP are friends. You are so much like him! He just loves combining heavy drama and sexual tension. Luna's motivations and well-understood here and I too headcanon Luna is quite the badass warrior. You might be interested in a story I wrote mentioning her in the distant past but we can speak about that some other time. Sticking a bookmark in this. I'll finish up tomorrow. So far I'm intrigued.
That's going to be a yikes from me, dawg. I don't wish to belabor the point as it's already been addressed but this line is wiggity-whack.
Luna is militaristic and all of that and militaristic-sounding metaphors can be a component in a sex scene but when you remove the metaphor and replace it with a simile, it removes any hint of subtlety from the comparison and hits with an ugly, overly literal mental image of war and death being waged for Doc's penis with broken bodies littering the ground.
Ear nibbles!
More ears for the ear god!
derpicdn.net/img/2015/5/2/887543/large.jpg
Good stuff.
That's... a very clinical way of saying he's going to plant his flag on the moon. But I suppose he is a pretty clinical guy being The Doctor.
And the end will come about 45 seconds or so in if he holds to the equine norm. Us guys are so average...
I do respect what you're going for her. It's very flowery and sweet. You truly are a colleague of Grand Moff Pony. I'll admit, it's not entirely my thing these days but the appreciation is there.
With the focus so heavily on the non-sexual aspects of intimacy, it feels somehow wrong to even call this clopfiction. But I'll more to say on that later.
Did you mean 'is limited'? I think I've found your first real typo. Yay me!
Sending him forward in time is literally dumping your plastic in the ocean. Sure, you're okay now but the future is fuuuuuucked!
Okay, I finished the story and I'm really glad I noticed that this was your entry #3 for the Dirty LIttle COntest because I get to ask the most obvious question in the world now...
Why?
This story is absolutely wonderful! I actually do know a little bit about Doctor Who - not a great deal but some. I only really know it through nerd osmosis being a total dweeb myself and not much of a fan. And based on this limited knowledge, I think you wrote an outstanding Doctor Who. DW has always been about calling out and condemning easy fixes and the great personal moral responsibility that comes with the awesome power he wields and we get that in spades here. And Luna holds up her end great! She's a very believable foil for DH and a reminder that the greatest threats can come from where we least expect, even our closest friends. If we're giving out grades based on the story alone, this gets an A in my book.
But this was a contest entry to Dirty Little Contest where the best clop wins. And this is not a good clopfic... at all.
The sex feels like an afterthought. Anatomical details are skimmed over or ignored entirely. The dialogue is stock, the sexual adjectives bland. Foreplay is limited to some kissing and ear bites and while both things are nice, they're basically appetizers. Where are the dripping sexual details? The smells, the sights, the shapes... That sex scene needed at least one more foreplay sequence after the kissing; either that or some god-tier stamina and table-disintegrating power plapping until Luna was a sweat-covered disaster but due to contest restrictions, you ran out of real estate to work with.
Social DIstancing had a very similar problem and I Kick myself for not giving the story more attention with the many months of time I had to spare on my story. I love a great story and so do you. I can totally empathize with your motivations for trying to elevate this above the typical stroke fics out there. But I gotta agree with DLS on this one; his take on this story is spot-on. I'm not the biggest fan of his clopfiction but he's a solid critic and you got to respect that. I also made 5 bucks off the guy despite the weakness of the sex in my story, so there's that too.
Have a nice day.