Note’s family lived on a idyllic tree-lined street. Cheerilee looked around appreciatively. It seemed like a good place for a young pony to grow up. She knocked on the door.
“Can I help you?” asked the mare who answered the door.
“Hi, I’m Note’s teacher,” said Cheerilee. “He left his backpack at school today.”
“Oh, thank you,” said the pony. Turning her head towards the rest of the house, she said, “Son! Come to the front door for a moment.”
Note appeared, looking confused. When he saw Cheerilee with his bookbag, something like fear flashed across his face.
“I found this and thought you might want it,” explained the teacher. She smiled.
Note took the bag. “Thanks.”
Cheerilee had no idea why her presence was antagonizing the young pony, but decided to leave without pushing the issue. She said goodbye and stepped away from the front door. Curiosity made her pause for a moment on the corner. If Note was having issues, that was his business. Cheerilee wanted to help him, but wasn’t sure how far she could push without violating his privacy.
After wrestling with the choice for a while, the schoolteacher decided that if she could break into innocent ponies’ homes to recreate murder scenes in their kitchen, taking a closer look at one of her students was a relatively minor thing. She turned back and approached the house again.
Near the fence that separated property lines, there was a thick maple that rose along side the house. Cheerilee looked around to make sure she wasn’t being observed and shot up the tree, taking refuge from the evening sun in the mass of leaves.
When his mother had called him, Cheerilee heard where Note’s steps had originated. His bedroom was conviently placed to give her a good view.
Hoping that her green eyes would offer some camouflage among the leaves, Cheerilee moved until she could see Note. The pony was frantically tearing through the contents of his bookbag. There was a file of papers that he checked, seemingly searching for something missing.
After a few minutes, Note seemed to relax after finding nothing unusual with his bookbag. Perhaps he had been searching for evidence that Cheerilee had looked through his things while the bag was in her care.
The papers Note had taken from the bag lay on his desk. Cheerilee was unpleasantly surprised to discover that they were employment records for six different Canterlot schools. The student was checking up on his teacher.
Cheerilee slid down the tree and headed for home. Note either suspected her history was false, or worse, had already found evidence of it. She had no idea how he might have gotten his hooves on school records.
All the way back to her house, Cheerilee worried about the situation. She felt that beneath her present thoughts, there was something else she was missing. It was frustrating, but there was nothing to do but grit her teeth and focus on what she could.
At home, Cheerilee grabbed her mirror. Luna showed up, wearing a tiny pair of reading glasses perched on her nose. They made the Night Princess look rather silly, but the schoolteacher had no time to comment.
Cheerilee quickly explained about the school documents. Luna frowned. “I handled those personally. While it would be impossible to covertly insert perfect records of employment, we were able to get you a job in Fillydelphia without much trouble.”
Reassured, Cheerilee nodded. “There is another problem, though. When I visited Timber Construction last night, there was a fight. A very short fight. I, um, got my hindquarters handed to me.”
Luna frowned, both at Cheerilee’s report and the language she’d used to deliver it. “You lost? To who?”
Cheerilee looked away. “I didn’t see. It happened too fast.”
The Princess was silent for a moment. When she continued, her voice was softer. “Cheerilee, in the relatively short time that I’ve known you, you’ve come a long way. I’ve watched you push yourself harder and harder, yet you haven’t discovered your limits yet. Don’t take it too hard. We all get beat sometimes.”
Cheerille nodded. I’ll be better next time.
Luna glanced down through her glasses at something past the frame of the mirror. “I’m afraid you’ve caught me in the middle of some paperwork.” She sighed. “I don’t know how you find it so relaxing.”
The schoolteacher laughed. “It’s all about frame of mind. When I’m grading papers, I’m away from the rush of the rest of the day.”
The blue pony smiled. “That’s a good way to think of it. Have a good night.”
Cheerilee said goodbye and turned to the window as the last rays of sun dissapeared from the horizon. Princess Luna must have found a break in her paperwork, because the moon began to rise shortly after twilight had faded.
▼▼
Note was again almost late to class. Something in his manner was different, however. He seemed determined, confident. Cheerilee wondered what might have changed his attitude so quickly. She decided that the two of them needed to talk.
The schoolteacher got her chance that afternoon. The class began packing up as the last bell rang. Cheerilee pulled Note aside. “I have something I want to ask you.”
He nodded. “There’s something I want to ask you, too.”
Both of them waited until the last of the students filed out of the room. Cheerilee asked, “You’ve been acting differently lately. Is something wrong?”
“I think so,” said Note. “You aren’t from Canterlot like you said. The schools there have no record of you.”
Cheerilee frowned. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I’ve seen documentation from all six schools.” The young pony’s voice rose angrily. “You’re a liar.”
“There are eight schools in Canterlot,” said Cheerilee sternly.
Note’s mouth dropped open and sweat broke out on his forehead.
“And just where did you get these records?” demanded the teacher.
“They were...uh...” All of his previous confidence gone, Note stuttered, wilting under Cheerilee’s stare.
The schoolteacher backed off her harsh expression. “Note, what’s going on?”
Taking a step backwards, a spark of the student’s boldness briefly returned. “Meet me at the stone arch in the park tonight at midnight.”
Note turned and ran from the room. Cheerilee stared after him, confusion and concern running through her mind. Why would the young pony want to talk somewhere else?
Worried, and not for herself, Cheerilee collected her things and left the school. She debated going to Note’s house and talking to his parents, but decided to wait and see what would happen that night. If necessary, she could drag him home and let his parents take over from there.
Cheerilee was only vaguely familiar with the Fillydelphia City Park, and went by there on her way home. The stone arch Note had referred to had been built by a local geometry club, of all things. It was a tall symmetrical half-circle made of precisely cut blocks that each weighed much more than any pony. It was so finely made that it stood without any supporting structure or mortar.
The schoolteacher thought the arch was rather beautiful, but wasn’t able to appreciate it in her current situation. There was a lot on her mind, and it irritated Cheerilee that she couldn’t seem to make sense of it.
She’d lied to Note. There really were only six schools in Canterlot. The fact that he didn’t know that, but had the records meant that maybe he hadn’t gotten the information on his own.
Cheerilee shook her head. Going to the meeting still seemed to be her best shot at finding out what was really going on. Then maybe she could get back to searching for a killer.
▼▼
There were no more mice in Cheerilee’s house. Nor were there any squirrels in her trees or rabbits in her bushes. Her house, lawn, and garden were somewhat worse for wear. Now that all the easy wildlife had been taken, she would have to start hunting in other areas. Unless there was some other way to get blood, living in the city was not going to work out for her.
Cheerilee looked at a few holes in the drywall. The mice had been worth it, but the homeowner’s association would not be pleased.
The mare checked the time and decided to get going. She walked slowly, hoping for something new to come to her. “Show up at the arch and play it by ear” was not a very good plan. Unfortunately, she hadn’t had any better ideas even with several hours of thinking. There were just too many unknowns.
Note was waiting when his teacher arrived. His eyes were wide, and he appeared even less composed than he had in the classroom. He looked like he wanted to go home.
“What’s so important that you wanted to meet me here?” Cheerilee asked. Note twitched like he was going to run as she came closer, but held his ground. “What’s wrong, Note?”
A new arrival stepped out from behind the arch. “I told him what you are, vampire.”
Crosscut stepped up beside Note, holding a wooden stake within the grasp of his magic. He stared down Cheerilee confidently. The schoolteacher rolled her eyes and sighed dismissively. “I suppose you also told him that I’m not from Canterlot.”
“I think that’s relatively minor compared your status as a blood drinking monster.” Crosscut frowned in annoyance. Apparently Cheerilee was not taking things as seriously as he had hoped.
“Vampirism? That’s a little hard to prove, don’t you think?” Glancing at Note, Cheerilee said, “Have I ever done anything to make you think that I’m, ah, a blood drinking monster?”
Note opened his mouth, but couldn’t think of anything to say. He looked back and forth between the mare and the stallion as they glared at each other. The young pony finally managed, “I don’t know.”
“You want proof?” said Crosscut. “How about this?”
Cheerilee smacked the stake away as it thrust towards her heart. The point grazed her side, but she was already leaping at her attacker. She shouted, “Run, Note!”
The student eyes couldn’t get any wider with surprise and fear. He could at least listen, however, and turned to escape.
Cheerilee suddenly remembered the nagging sensation she'd had since visiting Timber Construction the second time. The noise, or lack thereof, that troubled her had been covered by the workers chipping at bricks. Crosscut didn't have a heartbeat.
The vampire stallion moved quicker than anypony Cheerilee had ever seen before, including herself. Despite that, he couldn’t back up fast enough to get out of her way. Her hooves slammed into his chest and the unicorn impacted the base of the arch with enough force to dislodge the delicately placed stones.
Cheerilee ducked out of the way as one of the chunks of rock landed where she had been standing. One fell directly on top of Crosscut, but he deflected it with a combination of strength and magic. Cheerilee’s eyes tracked the stone as it flew through the air, realizing with horror that it was headed directly for the running Note. She started in his direction, but not even her speed would be enough. The young pony was crushed to the ground with a sickening noise.
Cheerilee was there an instant later, rolling the rock off him. Note’s lower body was broken and misshapen. From his chest up hadn’t been touched, but he had suffered such a trauma that there wasn’t a thing in the world that would save him. Well, maybe one thing.
The schoolteacher gritted her teeth, feeling the tips of her fangs resting against her lower gums. She glanced up. Crosscut was gone. She was alone with the dying student.
Note was trying to breathe. His eyes showed that he was aware of his dire situation. He gazed at Cheerilee with a pleading look.
She stayed with him until his heart stopped beating.
spoiler
I don't understand vampires who change innocent bystanders just because they got mortally wounded.
It creates way more problems than it solves
its no masterpiece, but has a quick flow, gonna keep tracking it
am just confused because: Why would you (author and/or protagonist) do that? at quite a lot of few points
just saw that its a sequel... you probably should mention that in the description... how did I skip that in the first chapter?
Yay! Sidekick time.
1174701 1174732
Read it very carefully. I never said that.
Why can't I like this twice?
1174784
Yay! Possible sidekick, or maybe just a dead teenager, time.
Hmm, who's Crosscut again? I truly don't remember him from the previous stories, and I didn't think I would forget anything about them with how much I enjoyed them.
1174793
That guy from the last chapter?
1174784
why do I keep making a fool of myself
I tend to overflow stuff.
1174820
It's all cool.
1174808
Derp. I thought he was just a one-time background character, I didn't pay much attention to him.
So, the question then that everyone is asking, how in the world did he know that Cheerliee was a vampire? I'm sure we'll find out.
Oh dear.
great as always keep it up. I'm tellin ya this is better than most movies
Well, I gave it a shot. It's like too many of the other vampire-pony fics. the genre-blending is... awkward. It's doesn't feel 'organic' so to speak, as if the blending is natural. It feels like every other vampony fic I've read: vampires shoved into FiM, because vampires, lol.
I can pick out the perfect example of a genre-blended vampire satire which was quite brilliant and set the bar for such stories: Bunnicula.
1175030
I loved that book.
Yes, this story has gone away from its comedic roots that the previous stories had. That makes me sad, and I hope I can fix it.
1174871
Good question, since Cheerilee recognized Crosscut based on a lack of a heartbeat, but Cheerilee has been forcing her heart to beat.
Another good question is why Crosscut the vampire is trying to out Cheerilee the vampire. I suppose cutting out the competition for food is a possibility, but outing a vampire makes it more likely that others will search for vampires and find him. There's also the possibility that Crosscut is the serial killer (especially with his association with the construction company), but Cheerilee's investigations so far don't imply that the bloody murders had any missing blood.
So Cheerilee just lets him die? That seems a bit out of character. Not to mention, sidekicks are awesome. But not the movie Sidekicks. That one sucked.
i think note as a vamp sidekick would be cool, and would offer an oppertunity for laughs.
1175070 It's not the lack of comedy so much as the two disparate background lores are never combined well. Vampires are never introduced into the stories in such a way that they feel natural to the Pony world. They feel artificial, mere contrivances for the sake of genre bending. The best serious crossovers are ones that meld the different aspects of the two types of worlds together subtly, diluting disparity with reasonable backstory.
With vampires, this requires quite a serious re-working of the Pony world, and they would more properly fit into a dark and sinister version of Equestria used by a number of Tumblr artists, such as Ipsywitch, which from its very first introduction is clearly not canon Equestria is any way, shape, or form.
The mythos of Equestria is heavily Greco-Roman in influence, while vampires originate from the Baltics, and the two don't work well together in most cases without some very careful planning. For instance, imagine a film preview in which Jason and the Argonauts had to fight a vampire king. If you saw that as the plot of a movie, you'd instantly assume it had been written by Uwe Boll.
Now, I must bring up two of the most brilliant instances of vampire usage in a series I have ever seen. The first was "State of Decay", one of the very well-written trilogy of E-Space adventures during Tom Baker's tenure as The Doctor. In that, vampires were woven cleverly into the ancient mythos of the Time Lords, and they were given a properly more cosmic role, with the true vampire race being monstrous giant devil-like creatures which the Time Lords under Rassilon battled.
The second, which was sheer genius and a stunningly original take on vampires was in the cartoon series "Might Max". In one episode, Max and his merry little band battled a vampire queen with the traditional methods of defeating vampires, to find that almost none had any effect. Except a citronella candle... because in that episode it was revealed that vampires were actually demonic blood-sucking flies which, like bees, only had a long-lived queen while the rest were akin to workers, gathering victim's blood to nourish the next brood. Now THAT was how you genre-blend; with a brilliant twist and clever little hints of how the legend twisted into becoming about bats, while retaining just enough of the truth the lead to the vampire queen's destruction. It was also a cunning little nudge at the very real way in which legends change over time as they are passed down through the ages.
Bringing up comedy, humor is the easiest way to cross genres, as the focus is on making the crossover as absurd and ludicrous as possible. It doesn't need to make sense, because from the get-go, the point of the story is that nothing in it makes sense! You can even make it seem serious at points, and then play upon that faux-drama to even greater humorous effect.
The series "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" achieved that exceedingly well at first, then once it became overly serious I though it really lost much of its appeal, as it was still ridiculous, but longer humorously so. One of the great death-knells of a satire is when it begins to take tiself too seriously.
I personally am even more picky over vampire fics, as they are the single most over-used monster of all time and have been thrust into EVERYTHING, regardless of how badly it works. I found them a bit dull even in the classical versions. "Hellsing" stood out for me as a more amusing over-done take simply because it was so over-the-top ludicrous. It was silly to me in its extremity and Alucard's hilarious god-moding caricature of the 'original' vampire (and the obvious anagram of the name Dracula), and I actually found the early episodes of the animated version almost comedic in effect.
1175687 *the evil demon pony Cat's Claw licks her lips* Can I eat his body? The young are so tender...
1176488 You can eat the kid from Free Willy's body, if you want. Or are you talking about the other sidekick?
1176497 *Cat's Claw shrugs* Whichever! As long I'm doing evil, I'm all for it!
1176543 Chuck fucking Norris!
1176555 *Cat's Claw does not hear you as she's currently... 'doing evil'... aka, getting it on with Discord... *
1176741 Remember Caligula? The stomach-ass man? Mr. Fourlegs? Well, Caligula's sister ain't exactly Misty Mondae, but she sure made all that incest sexier! Longinus! Clitorius! Testaclise!
Maybe next time you'll think twice before telling me about your clopping habits.
I've never thought about Cheerilee in any sort of protagonist light. You've done a good job so far with this. Definitely worthy of a like and fav.
1176765 I wrote a 15-page history paper on him in college. I KNOW EVERYTHING...
1177801 I saw the movie. Nightmares. Oh god, the nightmares.
1177861 Feh, Caligula is a lightweight compared to Japanese hentai comics.
Ooooo, I like this.
The ending is ambiguous enough to go either way. Cherilee waited for his heart to stop, but you didn't say if it was because she bit him or not. Good tension, either way.
On one hand, if he's turned, Cherilee will have to go through the process of training him, helping him fit in with his family, deal with his angst, all of the standard crap you expect to see. If that's what you're doing, it's going to take a lot of writing chops to make it work. I wish you the best of luck.
On the other hand, he could be dead. Cherilee hadn't had to deal with civilian death yet, especially so close to home. And one of her student's no less. It might be made even worse due to her own hunger; she could be tempted to feed off of him. That pain is going to be terrible.
Have a like and a mustache.
1175070
There is no harm in playing with your strengths. For instance, no matter how badly I want to write horror, I can't make it convincing. Your darker stories have a strength that the more comedic Adventures of Vampire Cherilee didn't have. I'll try to break it down.
AVC had Cherilee trying to cope with her vamirism and deciding whether or not her new life was actually worth living. Those questions: Who am I?, What am I?, What do I want to be? are all good sources of tension to carry a story. That's not to say that all good tension is due to darker material or plots with high stakes. You remember Norrington from Pirates of the Carribean? He did not set out to capture the Black Pearl because his job was to capture Jack and Will. Going after the Pearl would look very impressive to his superiors, but his job and orders were for those two alone.
That one act demonstrated a high moral fiber with the character. He wasn't just a man out for himself, but a man of honor. It was a striking and surprisingly powerful character moment that was not necessary, but a great benefit to the character and the movie as a whole. Simple acts, small ones like that scene with Norrington, are the details that are important.
Humor however, at least in AVC, is not your strong suit. Valiant was the source of the vast majority of the humor, so I'll talk about him and ignore the fic he originated from. I'm also going to assume that your humor with Valiant is the only kind you do (I haven't read all of your stuff yet). Valiant relies on tongue-in-cheek comedy to amuse the readers between set pieces of other events.
The problem is such humor does not have the same suspension of disbelief equilibrium as Cherilee's self reflection scenes. We feel sympathy for Cherilee and want to see her either adapt, find a balance, or get better. It garners pathos, and that's a very important thing to have. You do it well. Valiant, however, is not fit for a fic that inspires emotion. His scenes force the reader to accept the fact that AVC is a fanfic and disrupts the immersion of Cherilee's scenes. It wouldn't be bad if it happens once or twice, but Valiant is a major piece of Cherilee's story. He is in many scenes, so the disruption is frequent and distracting.
To wrap up Valiant, he has a place to exist, but does not belong in Cherilee's story. Personally, i do not find him funny, but I accept that there are people who do. Examine the Dream story and Murder on the Mind and examine what makes each story tick. MotM focuses on Cherilee's struggles dealing with what she is. I haven't read Dream yet, so I don't know that one's strengths.
Don't change what you do, but enhance what you do well. You have good strengths to work with, but you need to make sure that some strengths don't diminish others.
Good luck.
1175070
"And when I get sad, I crush children with rocks." Dohohoho
1175687 I wouldn't be so sure. Could be she lets him die, as would be the case if that statement were made in any other story, could be she turned him to the blood-sucking side.
I feel like everybody is on a page I skipped. Namely where are they getting this whole sidekick thing from? note was a student who was acting odd so she kept an eye on him. At no point did any of their interactions scream "sidekick" to me nor did anything in the story suggest that. Did I just miss something or aremy legs not strong enough to make the jump everyone else seems to be making?
1176483
Yeah, the problem here is that this story is a sequel to a spinoff of a crackfic. It doesn't have any solid ground to build off of.
Having said that, it gets decent reviews so maybe I'm doing something right. I have plans to take the series in a different direction once I get finished with this story. (including references to Hellsing. Thinking about Luna in a badass longcoat like Integra makes me happy)
1179391
You haven't read A Dream? I'll summarize: It's about Valiant being a dick.
1180879
Guess I wrote more of a cliffhanger than I thought if it caused this much speculation.
1180891 *laughs* That's my issue, to me it wasn't any larger a cliffhanger than any of the other chapters in any of this stuff. Are folks just that desperate for Cheerilee to embody her name that they'll leap on any opportunity? Or are they just not used to your writing style? Those're the best guesses I can make. >.<
1180908
I think TNAB needs to remind people that this is not Batman Cheerilee. That is a seprate fic by him that was amusing.
1175687
It is totally in character. It makes more sense if you read all the previous stuff about her, but basically the impression I got was that because the vampire that bit the vampire that bit her died while she was transforming, it ment she was not quite 100% vampire. Hence why she could control her cravings better than the other vampires in A Dream.
At the same time she remembers the problems, heartache, and self-loathing that went along with being a vampire, and likely does not want to do that to another. She is also smart enought to realize that raizing all the ponies that are decent that she sees die could become problematic.
Lastly a lack of a heart beat does not mean a vampire nessisarily. Just pointing that out.
1174701
depends on how close taht vampire is to the person tehy turned
and btw, I decoded taht by pasting your spoiler in word
Oh...
Yep, Stabbing through the heart with a wooden stake. If she dies, she clearly must have been a vampire. 'Cause ya know, that'd never work on everything else.
Vamped or dead, involving a student just made things personal. Keep in mind that this is the same mare that will shatter open her own skull while dispassionetely doing her job. And now it's personal.
To think that this is the same Cherilee that cried inconsolably after her first bunny rabbit.TNAB, each installment in this little saga of yours is increasingly dark, decreasingly comedic, and all the more enjoyable.
Ah well, seems I was wrong, but it was awesome anyway!
Twilight reference at the end?
1367097
Not intentional. It's been years since I read that series. (Yes, series. I refuse to recognize it as a saga.)
1229929
If you read his story Dreams, which this series is canon to, you would see that Vampires explode into a shower of gore when they die.
*cries*