New Birth in Equestria

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Comments ( 8 )

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WozWuzHere

WozWuzHere #1 · Nov 17th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Pretty good start, though I would space out your paragraphs a bit more, also if you are going to include YouTube links, I recommend you insert them down in the author's comments instead of the actual story, maybe with some sort of indicator of when they'd play.

Other than that, good start, keep it up!

Kentou Argama

Kentou Argama #2 · Nov 17th, 2019 · 1 · ·

9946607
Thanks for the review. It's been a long time since I wrote anything, and I wanted to give this a try, and thanks again for the constructive criticism. Not a lot of people get that nowadays. I'll try to do better, and keep improving.

GundamBrony

GundamBrony #3 · Nov 17th, 2019 · · ·

Hmmmm interesting

Redwolf777sg

Redwolf777sg #4 · Nov 18th, 2019 · · ·

9946615
9946607
You can also put YouTube links in the story by Incorporating it into the text dialog. That's one way of doing it by other author which works out quite well for them. its sorta like the middle ground.

PhoenixSoul91

PhoenixSoul91 #5 · Nov 18th, 2019 · · ·

Looking forward to seeing where this goes. I'm a fan of KamenRider, and definitely prefer a lot of the secondary riders. Just like the other guy said, space out the paragraphs. Especially when a new dialogue starts. Other than that I'll just be sitting at the kotatsu, waiting.

serPomiz

serPomiz #6 · Dec 3rd, 2019 · · ·

show don't tell

ok, but that does not mean put a video in it!

irony aside, the actual description of it is good,quick and easy

as other said, the parts where there are people talking are too compressed together; a good way too check of spacing is using mobile phones or e-reades to look at how it reads on a moree compressed schreen. similarly, this is not a newspaper article, using the enter key after a period where the subject change is not just an option, is something that need to be done

on the story itself, it's still early to say much, it's a standard "merchant start". going to keep an eye on this.

nightshroud96