While doing a task for Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash gets caught up in a mess with a Mysterious Pony. After the incident, Rainbow then starts to go through some strange changes, in panic she seeks out her friend, Twilight, She gets intrigued with the matter and investigates her friends mysterious problem...
But the moon wont stay down forever.
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It's a little rushed but it's your first fic, so I understand. I think I'll track this to see where it will go. Hopefully this story will be fun.
I liked it, just a little rushed but still good. Can't wait for more!
69158 Thanks fro the heads up, ill try to flesh out the next chapter.
69558 Thanks
cant wait for the update
69995 Thanks for the response, and you will find out soon enough
Smug Face
Oooooooooooooooooooooo gettin' good
were dashie, i approve
It's an interesting premise anyway, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired... It moves too fast and doesn't allow much of anything to build. That nightmare scene could have been expanded to encompass so much foreshadowing, emotion, and atmosphere, but it just sorta blinks by. THere seemed to be unnecessary shifts in tense and tone and there are some odd choices of words (my hair must be unhappy?). On top of that, there are a ton of grammatical errors peppered throughout the story. You may want to give it a few go-overs.
70690 Thankyou for the great feedback, this is what i need.
Thankyou again.
more please
man i feel the same way when i get the noms
132125
LOL!
Oh hey! do you know my freind rusty?? he said he works in some place called planet express. hey wait.. oops im in D4325542 not D3425542 sorry, my mistake. *winks out of existence*70690
Damn these cliff hangers! They drive me to insanity!
Good chapter though, hopefully twilight won't mess up any spells in this fic
Okay you get bonus points for not saying weremare or something.
Though I'm not sure if you actually knew that were means man or not but points anyway.
this is epic
Only read this chapter so far.
Looks good, except there a few sentences that seem out of place.
I can go back and find them if you want.
261577 Sure, what sentences were strange. Its was the first chapter and it is subject to revision.
-Stealth1139
"I will find Angel with ease." Doesn't sound like something that RD would say. Maybe "I'll find Angel in no time." perhaps?
"Why Angel, of all the places in Ponyville have to go there." Should have a question mark on the end, and the Everfree forest isn't in Ponyville.
"We got to get out of here quickly." It should be we've instead of we, and RD would probably say "We gotta get out of here, quick!" I know, but RD doesn't have the best grammar. Try to make her sentences punchy, slang-filled and cocky. Fluttershy's should be polite, shy and interspersed with "Oh"s "Um"s or "Uh"s.
"I'm no child, I'm the best flier in Equestria Rainbow Dash." what this does is make Equestria Rainbow Dash seem like a PLACE. Put a comma between Equestria and Rainbow Dash.
"I guess your trying to scare me." Should be you're as in "You are".
"Well its not working." Comma needed between well and its.
"You think you can enter MY forest and get away with it, an example should be made of you, I think." You need to separate different points, break up your sentences. Here's the edited example, "You think you can enter MY forest and get away with it? An example should be made of you, I think."
"Angel, my dearest pet, where have you been." It's a question, use a question mark instead of a period.
"The Everfree forest, Why in Equestria would you go there, everypony knows that the place is 'unnatural'.
Why shouldn't be capitalized there, and the sentence is a run-on. It should look like this: "The Everfree Forest! Why in Equestria would you go there? Everypony knows that the place is 'unnatural'."
That's all.
261694 I am happy, thankyou. when you get around to the other chapters, can you send any queries in my private messaging please.
Thanks Chuckles,
-Stealth1139
261709 Anything to help out a fellow lycan.
261717
261738
A moustache for you.
Enjoying the story keep up the good work!
a halo for you
Found this via author's comment on a Flutterwolf story. Tracking, will read after next update.
WEREWOLF MUFFINS!!!!!
that was your daily dose of random.
let the noms begin
its a very good concept, but PLEASE by celestia, use proper grammar please...
I've literally had to read while I correct sentences.
your phrasing and word selections seem to be getting better but, don't add in words unless they are necessary.
Even with those setbacks I hope you'll continue this is interesting in its own right.
349102 Derpy von Muffins
Pinkie crazy face
where would you be without your
:D
-Stealth1139
"What do you do now?" You ask my dear Rarity? It's very simple... you pray, run, and die, in approximately that order.
Oh shi-
KILL SOMEPONY DO IT, BLOOD IS MEANT TO FLOW FREE AND HOT NOT COLD AND SLUGGISH
sry the caffiene makes me say some crazy shit
And so it began... the end of ponyville... NAY! of all Equestria.
Well they'll just have to prove the hunter wrong. An Element Bearer is worth the risk I'd say.
581398
Theres a solution! Just use the elements of harmony to purge the infected!
The magic that causes it is clearly labeled as cursed magic, therefore the elements wil be effective!
PROBLEM SOLVED BEETCHES!
584086.
Oh no, you read my mind. NAW. I plan for some quarantine to happen. I guess you can say shit will get real.
-Stealth1139
584086
I always do my best thinking at 1am.
584925
Seriously. i feel like fucking einstien right now. go on. ask me anything.
584928 alright... lets see.
what is... 2+2.
-Stealth1139
587251
..ok nick.. you can do this.. what is... 2+2...
I KNOW!
THE ANSWER!
588537
Right guys? im close at least.
Looking for editors, comment on my blog post if your interested.
-Stealth1139
199201.................da fuq?
Can you please continue this story?
PLEASE?
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/index?&desktop_uri=%2F#/watch?v=yQve_L3dzU0]
3579601 yes please