Discovering your own value can be hard when you see no worth in yourself. And it can be even harder when your friends and family around you shine far brighter than you do.
Chapters (15)
CoronaBorealis
Joined 3rd Oct, 2019 ·
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Not bad start I might keep track.
Not bad
Didnt quit grab my attention. Too much dialogue I felt.
10027925
Glad to hear that :) I'm starting things off gently because things will pick up quite a bit in future chapters once everyone grows up, i'm hoping I will be able to do proper time jumps in the future, and still keep things interesting. But as soon as everyone has been introduced that's when the bigger plots will start. Anyways thanks for the feedback! :)
10029867
Sorry to hear that :/ still new to this, I didn't want to go too fast but I guess i'll pick up the pace in chapter 3.
10029912
Well, we all have room for improvement.
You're missing a lot of commas in the dialogue.
A few errors. You missed capitalizing on a few new sentences, particularly in dialogue. Also you need to italicize inner thoughts.
So yeah, I binge the whole thing in a day. Interesting setup.
'Origin' stories are always fun to read (that's how I call pre-canon fics) and give room to some headcanon and world build-up by the author and I just love that.
Plot-wise not much is going on, but as I said before the setup is genuinely interesting to me so I'll keep an eye open for the direction of the story. Plus those tags only make it better? Tragedy and death? I can already speculate.
As for what I like to see in the future... not much, really. I don't know how long is the story going to focus on Corona and Celestia as foals, hopefully not too long. Is not that I dislike it, it is just a preference of mine, I think the plot can advance more with them being a little more grown-up since their impact in the story would be bigger. If the slice of life stories you have in mind bring some character development and worldbuilding then add them, I'd gladly read them.
10200785
Thank you for the feedback and the favorite! I'm glad to see that you have enjoyed it so far, I was thinking the same thing in regards to them being foals so things were sped up towards the later chapters with a slight jump ahead in time. I just need to have a strong foundation for the setup and I'm still trying to figure out how to setup a few things for the future of the story, but the ideas I have will make for a very interesting read I think, lots of world building! But to give you some insight as to the future chapters, I would say I will have about two chapters left with them as foals, three at the most, and then something will happen that will really set the plot into high gear! Thank's for the read man and I hope my future chapters don't disappoint!
Thanks for the favorite again!
Several missing commas at the end of dialogue. Might want to go over that.
Well first off you got your history a little twisted here I think. If I recall correctly Celestia was born before Equestria was founded. Though I could be wrong, I may have just heard that. Hearths Warming Eve is the episode that hints that I think. Still got lots of mistakes with dialogue missing commas or periods before and after quotes. And you didnt capitalize Mister when Celestia arrives in Starswirls class. Also you had an s at the end making it misters.
You used a few lower case m on mister several times. Also I think instead of sit in the first paragraph it should be sat.
10256025
Thanks for the input! it's kind of hard for me to stay on top of my grammar errors because of how off and on my writing sessions are due to how demanding my job is. And as for Celestia being born before the founding of Equestria that is correct, I have a few reasons as to why that is different in my story, one of which is that because of how long ago it occurred from present day mlp the stories are bound to be blurred and simplified. Kind of like what nintendo did with Breath of the wild where it occurs so far in the future compared to the other games that it is unclear which timeline it falls under, when it is strongly implied that all of them are present in the game. This gives me some wiggle room for how I can advance the story, but there will be some correlation with the cannon in the future that you are referencing, but I don't want to spoil it.
Anyway's thanks for the input and I hope that you will enjoy the writing I'm putting out :) stay safe!
Man... this chapter had so many emotions in it.
Good chapter my guy, solid prose, and narrative. I enjoyed it a lot.
I hope whatever problems you're going through get solved and move on for the better. I'm very aware life can suck sometimes.
I'll be expecting the next chapter
10511579
Thank you.... it means a lot to hear feedback of any kind, I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it, makes me feel like I did a good job with it. I was happy to finally get this chapter out because as I said the pace really accelerates from here on and will allow me to do a lot more world building and expand the characters.
Anyway thank you very much, it means the world to me to get a comment about Northern Crown, I rarely got comments on my chapters so it made me think that I wasn't doing well at all.
That did not age well.
10668023
Yeah, fortunately I published well before the pandemic.