Test
In the dark of night, ponies gathered around the bonfire. Deep purple robes shrouded them all, concealing identity even from each other. The opening of their gathering had already passed, and they were once more breaking up into their individual groups. The positions were taken with care, and each made sure they had a partner.
As he walked around the perimeter, their leader looked over his gathering. "Everypony is with someone? Good. None should study alone because--"
As one, their voices rose. "Friend--
And they were interrupted. "Friendship Is Magic."
Nearly three dozen sets of eyes turned, and nearly three dozen jaws dropped. Twilight Sparkle - THE Princess Twilight Sparkle - stood at the edge of the clearing. If any of them said a word, it was drowned out by the crackle of the bonfire and the rapid beating of their hearts.
Hesitantly, Twilight took another step closer. "Hello, my friends."
That snapped them out of it. The word was magic, dispelling the silence. Mumbled voices conferred, each confirming that THE Princess Twilight Sparkle had just addressed them as 'friend'. At first one bowed to her - and then the others quickly after.
"No! No no no." Twilight trotted forward and lifted the nearest pony to his hooves. "Friends don't bow to friends." And yet the rest of them still bowed to her. Even the one she lifted went down again as soon as she let go.
Frustration was already starting to rise within the Princess - but, she reminded herself, she had to address this. If not for this group for the future ones. Celestia and Luna had been clear on that much. She'd have to deal with this again, and wasting this first opportunity for direct study would be shameful. So Twilight took a deep breath. "As your goddess," she started, "I hereby order you to stop worshiping me."
The congregation froze, looking at one another on confusion.
"But if we stop worshiping her, she's not our goddess anymore."
"Yeah, then she doesn't have the authority to order us to do things."
"So then we could start worshiping her again."
"Paradox! It's a logical paradox!"
"Calm down, you fools! Can't you see she's testing us?"
"Yes! A test! A test of faith!"
"Quick, who has a copy of Zeno's we can reference?"
"I can't believe She has come to test our faith directly!"
"Praise be!"
Twilight facehoofed. Oh no. They were the worst kind of cultists.
Moving on to Plan C, Twilight wrapped the leader in her magic and pulled him over. "You're in charge here. Get them up - I'm here to talk, and we can't have a conversation when you're all, um..." She looked out at the cult around her. "Worship-y."
The leader once more bowed - making Twilight roll her eyes - before he turned to the rest. "She has commanded us, so let us listen to Her words. Come friends, there's no harm here. If She will speak, we should listen." The crowd rumbled uneasily, but slowly obeyed. They came closer, sitting in a loose horseshoe around Twilight.
She breathed a little easier. Now came the hard part - if only she had brought Spike.
A scroll of paper and quill appeared out of the air beside her.
"Question one - why worship? Why religion instead of other methods?"
Several of the cultists blinked owlishly. One raised a hoof. "....Is this a quiz? I'm bad at quizzes."
Twilight smiled as best she could under the weight of this ludicrous situation. "It is, but there's no right or wrong answer. We're friends, right? And friends try to learn more about each other." And use field observation to create a hypothesis for later testing, but they didn't need to know that part.
Getting the first one to speak was difficult as they hesitated. "Well. I do it because I used to worship Celestia, but you took over for her so it made sense to change."
The dam broke, and the other answers unleashed rapid-fire.
"You defeated all those bad guys, so you're a hero!"
"I joined thinking this was your fan club and it just got intense from there."
"Lemon Wedge over there's my friend and makes a really good fruit salad she brings every week."
"We were going to summon the demon Biblios!"
"I just don't have anything else to do on Thursday nights, and my neighbors said it would be fun."
"You're really hot, and I thought being part of your cult would give me a shot at asking you out! So, um, wanna go out?"
Twilight waited patiently for the cacophony to die down and the last of them to get their justifications out. Each one was written down, recorded for her later reference. "Alright, thank you. Let's start from the top." She adjusted the scroll, looking down it. "Whoever said something about summoning a demon? First of all, Biblios isn't real. Second, go over there and sit quietly, you're under arrest. Summoning creatures from beyond is bad. Don't do that."
"Aw maaaaaaan."
"Off to the side," she scolded. "If this wasn't the middle of the woods I'd have you stand in a corner and think about what you tried to do. As it is, wait quietly and we'll have a conversation with the Royal Guards later." Twilight waited as the shame-faced cultist obeyed.
A hoof raised from the crowd, and Twilight nodded to it. "I thought you said there were no right or wrong answers to this."
Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath before answering. "There are no right or wrong questions for this quiz, but there are wrong answers for life. Summoning creatures from beyond the veil is one of them." She looked around those gathered as they nodded and agreed that was reasonable. "Okay, second! Thank you for saying that I'm attractive but I'm afraid I don't have time for a relationship right now. I'm running a country and I'm in charge of multiple stellar bodies, so dating is going to have to wait."
The stallion who had mentioned that motivation perked up. "So you're saying there's a chance later?"
"When Tartarus freezes over," Twilight clarified. "Sorry, but you're not my type."
A mare several cultists down hopped up and let out a joyous whoop. "HA! IN YOUR FACE! I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T SWING THAT WAY!"
Once more, Twilight facehoofed. "That's not-- it's because you joined a dark shadow cult instead of speaking to me! That's not a good basis for a relationship!" Her wings fluffed out with frustration (and a brief bit of appreciation for what Cadence probably had to deal with on a regular basis). "Next! The fan club!" Her eyes focused dead on one specific cultist. "Star Tracker, I know that's you. I recognize your voice."
"She recognized my voice!"
"Star Tracker!" Twilight could already feel her patience wearing away under the tide. "You know better than this, and we already had a friendship lesson about idolizing other ponies and that sort of thing. Also I know you're fully aware of my actual fan club. This is silly, go home."
She watched him turn and head out with his head hung low. "Now!" The Princess glanced at her list. "A bunch of you are just here because of friends or because you don't have anything better to do or because of..." She squinted at her own horn-writing. "Fruit salad. You can also go. I appreciate wanting to do things with your friends and to have a hobby, but I'm going to politely ask that you take up bowling or knitting instead of revering me as a goddess. Also, it's honestly a little insulting to be the sort of thing that you do when you don't have anything else to do."
"I'll do you when--"
Twilight struck the stallion who continued to insist on hitting on her with a stun blast. "Lewd innuendo in public is also not a good way to try and secure a relationship with somepony!"
The stunned stallion was quietly carried off by several friends, leaving a crowd much smaller than before. Twilight looked them over with a critical eye, trying to appraise just what she was dealing with. "Those of you who remain... you're the true believers, right? The ones who are part of this because you believe?" Looks were shared between the seven that remained before they nodded as one. "Good! Question two was going to be why me, but I guess that's been sort of covered. Plus, y'know, the whole sun and moon thing. So, um. Question three - if I leave you alone after this, what are you going to do with this, um, organization after I go?"
Once more, the cult's leader stepped forward. "We shall take the word of Your great name and spread it across Equ--"
Twilight cut him off. "Okay, yeah, no, we're not doing that. No proselytizing, no conversions, definitely no crusades... in fact, here." She floated a second scroll and her quill over to one of the remaining cultists. "We better set down some ground rules."
"She shall pronounce Her commandments unto us!"
"Praise be!"
This was already going wrong. Again. "Just... just write it down." Twilight almost felt like she was begging. "Rule one, no dark magic. Don't be that guy over there." She pointed her hoof at the demon-loving cultist who was still sitting and waiting for Guard pickup. "Rule two, no forcing anypony to believe what you do if they don't want to. Rule three, no sacrificing anything or anypony to me."
Twilight halted, then corrected herself. "Anycreature to me." Just in case. "Rule four, um." She bobbled, having already ran out of steam. "Anyway. You get the idea."
Those that remained all bowed once more. "Yes! We hear and understand! We shall obey Your commandments and serve you well!"
"Good. Be well, my friends!" Twilight stepped back and took to the sky.
After flying out of sight, she teleported back to the camouflaged duck blind that had been set up beside the clearing. "Agents." She nodded to the S.M.I.L.E. team that was in place. "You understand your orders, I presume?"
The black-suited earth pony mare saluted. "Yes, your Highness. Watch them, record our observations and give you monthly reports on activity. Interfere only on your direct orders so that we preserve the integrity of the experiment."
Twilight nodded with a grin. "Wonderful. If everything goes well, we might even be able to get a paper in one of the big name journals about this!"
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So you went from serious and philosophical to serious and pathological?
9913910
Not much change there
I am very pleased with this balance of philosophical and comedic. This is fantastic. XD Trust Twilight to treat her cult like an experiment control group. Cant wait to see what happens next chapter! Hopefully she doesnt take all this and use it to create an actual religion or something, that could get awkward.
Also love the pony who let himself be put in the metaphorical corner for wanting to summon a demon. And all the ponies who were just there as a hobby. Keep up the great work :Dd
EDIT: CRAP I just saw the complete tag. I am BUMMED, I want more! Thought wed get a chapter for each step of the scientific method. Oh well, twas fun anyway!
Yeah, stories have a tendency to do that.
Twilight learns that you can't win in an argument against stupid.
I bet 100 bits that Flurry Heart has a cult worshipping her.
9913950
Well time to start that cult for the bits.
I think I am too. Have a Thumbs Up!
:)
Well that was fun.
9913950
oh god i hope he makes one on that idea!
9913950
A doomsday cult of course...
9914048
A lot of people actually don't know that. Of course, not many people believe in magick to begin with. It's a wild world out there.
Brilliant indeed
Just waiting for the inevitable religious schisms over the meaning of the lost 4th commandment.
I want a story about this cult some history on the great sparkle religion
Well more anyway
This is not gonna go well
You know what? I am totally okay with that too 😂👍
You can't get a research paper out of this. You've interfered too much. Its like the prison experiment all over again.
Aww, is a shame it's complete, I'd love to see at least an epilogue with her conclusions. And/or a field report from S.M.I.L.E. with their shenanigans
As someone looking at several topics I will be coauthoring papers on, I approve of Twilight's plan!
And that's how Twilight invented experimental theology! Brilliant way for her to deal with the issue her own way. If conventional wisdom contradicts itself, best to test and determine the reality. Also, excellent use of Star Tracker. Thank you for this and best of luck in the judging.
9914048
Counterpoint: "Boast Busters." Twilight was overpowered even when everyone treated her like a normal unicorn. Besides, Princess of Friendship. We see her weaponize equitable social bonds as the Triple-Strength Rainbow of Fix Literally Everything in the finale.
Based on the evidence, belief in Twilight does not require reverence for Twilight. Not all magic behaves according to the same laws.
9913945
Truly, the worst type of cultists...
Educated and Stupid
I do hope it was at least wearing a seatbelt.
And then the really dumb pony summons Alondro from beyond the veil.
It ends about as well as you expect.
9913945
9914846
Focused on INT with WIS as the dump stat.
Lmao this is perfect, i didnt know what would happen but this is definitely what would happe
This was fun. And no one should ever apologize for mailmare Luna. I absolutely could see her doing it.
I can see Twilight Velvet now: "Dang it, Twilight Sparkle, I told you to get a colt friend, not a friend cult!"
And of course Twilight is excited to get published in a big scientific journal. Silly princess.
But then again, isn't the current Emperor of Japan a biologist of some sort?
But when does Twilight start her first harem?
Love the reaction and handling of the cult. Mucho bonus points for the ending line b/c that is exactly what Twilight would hope for despite the fact that she's already a goddess.
Well, I guess I was wrong. Still, I think she handled that rather well.
You can't arrest somepony for attempting to summon something that isn't real! Come on! If he's trying to summon a fake demon don't correct his ignorance directly as it may cause him to summon a real demon.
Is it wrong that I think these two have the better reasons?
9914173
Religion is a terrible idea in which one can both influence and provoke at the same time
9919894
Maybe it's like attempted murder when all you have is a wooden gun?
Or... maybe it's the gathering and preparing of items and knowledge capable of summoning a demon of any kind which is illegal, regardless of whether the specific target is viable?
9917679
Certainly she seems the type to find something to do. She spent a thousand years in exile and then only a few back on the throne. Better she find something that keeps her hours occupied and isn't in a leadership role.
Celestia, on the other hoof, probably has a bucket list of things she's wanted to do for centuries but has never had the spare time for, or couldn't start because there was always the chance that something more important would raise its head. Plus, this way, it's basically Twilight taking the boring and predictable 99.9% of duties and decisions off her, but still asking for input on the more interesting ones. And Celestia's been portrayed in canon as liking the role of teacher. I could see her spending a day a week teaching foals in Silver Shoals somewhere.
9914382
No? Set the experiment up, tell the participants what you want them to hear, let the experiment run from that point forward? Sounds like a lot of psych experiments...
9913950
Quite likely. But she's got her mom's option to fall back on.
9925539
She interfered in the formation, beliefs, practices, and membership of the cult. You can't perform an experiment with a non-random group of participants and get meaningful results, you can't set strict rules of behaviour and get significant results, etc. I compared it to the prison experiment because it had the same problems, the experimenter set himself in a position of authority, non-randomly selected his participants, gave the guards instructions on how to treat the prisoners, and encouraged specific behaviours. Further, this isn't really an experiment, since no hypothesis is stated. A true experiment has to be a case of a set hypothesis(objects will fall at the same speed regardless of mass) and a method of falsifying the hypothesis isolated from outside variables(dropping two objects of similar shape and density but different weights from the same height, so that the only variable is weight). This "experiment" is not isolated, has no hypothesis and, importantly, there's no control to compare to, so even if you could come up with everything else, she wouldn't be able to tell which elements caused what..3
9925562
9925539
Yes, what she's carrying out is not an experiment but simply a study.
9934972
Even as a study, it wouldn't be worth much, since shes interered so much. Studies are mostly intended to find changes in a demographic over time (ie recidivism among fellons, criminal offense rates among children of abusers, etc), not broad behavioural trends in small non-random collections of people.
I just find myself giggling through this whole thing.
Praise Be! Friendship is Magic!
9935027
Well she's not carrying out a social study. She just wants to record the spread of a cult.
Besides, I've always thought Twilight's education calls for some serious suspension of disbelief. She acts like she should have a proper education, she just doesn't show any real signs of it. The show is very kid-friendly, for obvious reasons, and it's not fair to expect every author to find and fix every plot hole or whatever you call them.
9935273
I just blame cutie marks, both for apparently scattershot educational foundations and for the odd multiplicity of anachronistic tech. Aside from the obvious effects of having a permanently attached magical empathic device which serves to reassure you that not only are you unique and special but that at least some tiny part of the universe was actually designed solely for you, they probably provide a level of intuition that acts as an education multiplier by getting rid of most of the trial and error involved in research. And a consequence of ponykind being able to consistently get accurate results from severely flawed research and experimentation methodology would be never really learning the concepts. (It also probably short-circuits industrialization by eliminating economies of scale and preserving the artisan class in perpetuity, but that's a different topic.)
Only you, Twilight. Only you would take a cult that worships you and turn it into a social experiment.
Well, maybe I would do that. Maybe.
9938430
Except, weirdly enough, for weather creation, where standardization and economy of scale actually are significant factors.
9942692
Can't disagree, though I suspect that's a Harmony effect. Just like it seems nopony really has to learn much about agriculture just to get plants to grow as long as there are enough earth ponies living in the area (and storing and transporting food without spoilage doesn't seem to require too much tech or obvious magic either), it's conceivable the reason weather's so micromanageable is because so many pegasi are doing it for the region.