Cynically Pretentious Hedonistic Nihilist...and those are my nicer qualities!
Forced to leave her comfort zone, Sunset Shimmer humors her friends, only to unexpectedly discover a romantic partner. Over time she builds a relationship with the mysterious gothic beauty, Inky Rose. But how will she react when their relationship suddenly comes to an end?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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DAMN, now that is a HOT fanfic, I can't wait to see where this goes, also will Sunset get an upgrade to her outfits, maybe something like Ink was wearing too?
9817333
Thanks! I like the Sunset goth idea, may try to work it in!
I am completely invested and hope to see more from this story as it progresses!
9817577
Thank you! Hope I don't disappoint, romance admittedly is a genre I haven't worked on much!
9817592
At the end of the day, you had fun and learned how to write romance or are better at it than you were before.
Hey its all good! At least you’re putting in that work and effort
9817387
Cool, also will you up Sunsets bust size too so that she looks sexier while dressed in Goth cloths, also tell me what are your thoughts on Sunset being related to Princess Celestia, I've heard rumor's that she was either her daughter by birth or adoption.
9817759
Thanks, always striving to improve, I take the route of churning out new stuff rather than constantly revising.
9818133
Sunset is probably in the D cup range here, plenty stacked imo so no plans to boost her bust. As for her being Celestia's daughter, not really a fan of the idea, I prefer her as a surrogate daughter over making it literal!
You have got to be KIDDING ME, they break up just like that and in the SECOND chapter, WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO SUNSET!
9820658
Trying to stick to the rules of the contest I planned to enter this into, which is about a relationship falling apart. Yeah, it's cruel, but life often is, and the story is about Sunset falling hard into love, losing it, and trying to climb back up, hence the Sad tag.
Little secret about me; the crueler I am to a character, the more I probably like them! It's the ones I avoid writing I generally don't care about. I try to put myself in Sunset's shoes, as I see her as a very emotional/passionate person who can tend to over react and is temperamental. Not a fan of the Sunset is perfect idea some of her fanbase seems to have.
Sunset's characterization here bothers me.
You've established her as a confident user of both boys and girls, but she melts into a puddle upon first seeing Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way, and from there, she spends the remainder of the chapter caught in her sex-wake, hypnotized by her gothic pheromones as she breasts boobily all the way back to the apartment, metaphorically dragging Sunset along by a leash. This culminates in Sunset modeling for Ebony in the nude, something she's never done for anyone before, and finally losing her virginity, all in the span of, what, an hour? Thereabouts? The pacing here isn't just breakneck. It's, like, a clean snap of the entire spinal cord.
And I have no idea why any of this is happening, or what kind of connection exists between these characters, except that Sunset thinks Dark'Ness No'Parents is super duper hot, which is apparently enough reason for her to immediately go home with her.
I would buy this a lot more if the conversation between them lasted more than a few minutes, if it suggested some kind of deeper connection between the characters than just physical attraction. Or if Sunset were literally just characterized as horny as hell and looking for a quick lay, if you wanted to skip all of that stuff. At present, knowing what we do about Sunset, for her to go home with someone she just met feels unrealistically quick-paced and out-of-character for her.
I think you spend more time talking about Sunset's well-developed figure than you do developing Sunset's romance.
Honestly, I'm not sure there's any review I could write about this story that would sum it up better than this excerpt from the third chapter:
That's it. In a nutshell. Earnest attempts at melodrama juxtaposed with shameless sex-pandering. We're told that a romance blossoms and ends between these two characters, but it's done in such a short span of time, told rather than shown, that there's nothing for a reader to get truly invested in.
And Sunset moves on to fucking Wallflower Blush by the end of the story, anyway.
To borrow from a friend of mine: This isn't a story about a relationship between two characters. This is a story about two bodies with names attached.
9841846
I'd definitely like to slow the pacing down and flesh the story out some more, as I'm not entirely happy with the results myself. My idea was that Sunset experiences a sexual awakening upon meeting Inky, as she never thought herself into girls before, until this one has a certain mysterious allure that makes her start to question herself.
Inky is also testing the waters herself, the pair drawn to each other by their obvious contrast (sun/darkness) and also shared similarities, as they're both smart and normally confident. My attempts to portray this I'm sure were clumsy, but that was my concept.
I'd complain about how quickly the relationship ended, how Inky appears to have dumped Sunset for Flash, but once she gets over herself, Sunset rebounds just as quickly, so I guess that's how relationships work around here. :B
9848872
Agreed, what I wanted to show was a relationship starting, ending, and a new one beginning that may repeat the cycle, but I'd like to flesh it out more someday.