Third Wheel
Joined 13th Dec, 2018 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You got more than a few chuckles out of me here. Thank you. This story was a wonderful read.
This fic started very strong, and the idea was very interesting and exciting. Unfortunately, it sort of fell apart in the end - I get the feeling you were sort of trying to just wrap it up and get it finished in time for the contest, and if that was the case, it unfortunately shows terribly. In future, don’t be afraid to take your time and try to refine and fine-tune your work.
Also, all five senses are important when describing something as sensory as sex often is. You mostly relied on touch. And don’t be afraid to get flowery - some people hate that but those people are artless. A fair showing! I’d love to see more fics in this vein, it felt like Clocktower Society without the weird cultish bits.
9821691
It was less wrapping it up for the context and more wrapping it up because I have a lot of other stuff to work on, both with commissions here and with other things elsewhere. Where exactly would you say it fell apart? I'd say it was when I realised I'd written myself in a corner by botching up the interactions between them in the first half and leaving almost no chemistry at all between the two, meaning I would have had to take way more time getting them to like each other once they meet there on the couch and I just didn't have the time to do it.
9821917
That's about where it happened for me, too. A good proofreader/prereader can help you with that sort of stuff - finding the moments were it doesn't _quite_ function and making it function a little bit better.