Pick-axe man
*Grunt* *Cling*
Steve grunted, taking a deep breath before continuing on.
*Grunt* *Cling*
Steve reaffirmed his grip on the diamond pick-axe in his right hand before pulling it free. Reaching upwards, he slammed it into the castle wall with a satisfying Cling sound. Pulling himself up a bit, he ripped the pick-axe in his left hand free from the wall, taking a moment to look up before bringing it back and slamming it back into the castle wall. Digging his foot in to get a good grip, he pushed himself upwards.
He repeated the action multiple times, slowly but steadily making his way up the castle wall. While not the easiest way in, it was a much stealthier option, though it was better to be done at night, not in the middle of the day like he was. All he could hope for was that he wasn’t caught.
“Hey! Hey! Stop climbing the castle wall with pick-axes!!” A sudden shout made Steve’s gaze snap to the right, where he quickly located the source of the voice.
A gray earth pony guard glared at him from a nearby window, roughly ten or so feet from where the Crafter was hanging. Steve groaned in frustration. For good reason too, since it seemed Fate was out to get him. Sighing, he glared at the guard as he yelled back.
“Fuck you, I’m climbing your wall with pick-axes!”
“Why this wall?!” The earth pony shouted back.
“Why not this wall!?”
“You’re making holes in the brickwork, asshole!!” The stallion snarled.
“I’ll make as many holes as I need, look at me go!” Steve yelled, waving one of his pick-axe’s around.
“Just, go pick-axe somepony else’s wall!!”
“What does that even mean!?”
“Suck my dick, get off the wall!!”
“What, you gay or something?”
“It’s an expression!!” The stallion shouted, clearly frustrated. He waved his hooves around angrily. “Get the fuck off the wall!!”
“No, fuck you!!”
“Fuck you, what’s your name!!?”
Steve thought quickly, as he wasn’t about to give this random dude his actual name. “Pick-axe man!” He yelled.
“My ass!!” The guard responded, clearly not buying it. “What’s your name?!”
“Da da da da da, Pick-axe man, look at me go!!”
“Get off the Celestia-damned wall this fucking instant!!”
Steve gave a heavy sigh, groaning in frustration for a moment before responding. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, I can’t!!”
The guard gave him a confused expression. “Why the hay not?!!”
“I can’t go down, you dumbass, I can only go up!!” The Crafter yelled, pointing up with one pick-axe.
“What?”
“I got to reach the top, then rappel back down with my fishing rod!!”
“You can’t just turn around??!” The guard inquired.
“Of course I fucking can’t, what are you, stupid?!!”
The stallion gave him a look of disbelief. “It can’t be that hard!”
Steve glared at him, teeth grit. “I don’t see you climbing a fucking wall with pick-axes!!”
“Give me a minute!” The guard called out, before trotting away.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Steve asked, slightly confused. A few moments later, the guard returned with a plunger clutched in his teeth, causing the Crafter to give him a fixed gaze.
“I have a plunger!!”
“Oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me!! Seriously?!” Steve yelled, an expression of disbelief making its way onto his face. This stallion couldn’t be serious, could he?
“I’m coming for ya, bitch!!”
“Dude, that's not going to work at al!! You are going to kill yourself!!”
“Fuck you, watch me!!” The stallion shouted, eyes shining with determination. With that, the guard took a running start before leaping out of the window. For one second, he seemed to stay suspended in mid-air, almost like time itself stopped. Then he fell.
Steve stared at the falling stallion with an expression of incredulity on his face. “You know, for a Royal Guard, you’re pretty fricken stupid!!”
“Fuck you, I didn’t become a Lieutenant by being an idiot!! I have seven years of experience and…!!” The stallion was very abruptly cut off when he crashed straight into a tree, tumbling down its branches before slamming into the ground with a heavy thud!!”
“Ooooh.” Steve muttered, looking at the stallion’s unmoving form for a few moments before sighing. "Eh, he'll be fine, probably." He told himself. Shrugging, he brought back his pick-axe, readying himself to continue the climb, only to be interrupted.
“Hey!! Get the fuck down!!” A voice, obviously amplified by magic, shouted from down below. Groaning, Steve looked down to see two guards standing beside their fallen colleague, though he was too far up to see any details. It looked like two white blobs standing next to a gray blob.
“Suck my dick!!” The Crafter yelled back.
“This is illegal!!”
“I know that, but, uh, fuck you anyways!!”
“F-Fuck you!!” The guard responded, sounding slightly insulted.
“Fuck you!!”
“Fuck you!!”
“Hey, I wrote you a song!!” Steve yelled, simultaneously taking out the old guitar Trench had given him a while before.
“What?”
“It goes a little something like this!!” Steve strummed a few cords. “FUCK YOU!!”
A few moments later, instead of being yelled at again, the Crafter instead felt a bolt of magic slam into his back, knocking him off the castle wall. Biting his tongue to keep from crying out in surprise and pain, he quickly reached into his inventory. Grabbing a spare ender pearl, he brought his arm back before chucking it as hard as he could towards the ground. Moments later, he felt a familiar sensation in his stomach and he suddenly found himself face-planting onto the hard ground.
Shooting to his feet, he pointed a finger at the two shocked guards. “Ha! Fuck you, you can’t kill Pick-axe man! Look at me go!!” With that, he ran off as fast as he could. Neither of the guards moved, choosing instead to simply watch the Crafter speed away. It wasn’t until he had already disappeared from sight that one of them spoke.
“Well, son of a bitch.”
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm Suction-cup Man LOOK AT ME GO! (also, FIRST!)
You my friend, are a true artist.
I'm a Minecraft hater, but curse you for tempted me cause of similarity to Suction-Cup Man.
Suction Cup Man is comin’ round
My sucking powers have no bounds
Suction cups all red and shit
I’m pretty hot you must admit
Do not test my sucking power
I’ll climb your tower in just an hour.
You can’t kill me, I’m way too cool.
I’m smudging up your windows fool!
Did anyone eles read this in their original voices from the animation?
Thank you for writing this.
Will there be a sequel to this?
9763408
I did
Just take my upvote and leave.
Hahahahahahaha oh my God this is so FUCKING good.
9763310
Pick-axe man is coming round
My mining powers have no bounds
Pick-axes all blue and shit
It's pretty cool, you must admit.
Do not test my mining power
I'll climb your wall in just an hour.
You can't kill me, I'm way too cool.
I'm messing up your brickwork fool!
9763408
I don't think it's possible not to.
I choose to believe that he crab waddled away like fucking Zoidberg.
9764032
Yes, that sounds better
9764179
WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
I love this
Congratz, you got featured. 8/3/2019
You have to do Parts 2 and 3 Dude it would be epic hahaha
9764032
Nice comment bro
9764957
Thanks man
Nice
My Little Pony, but it's Suctioncraft Man.
9765474
Oh my gosh, that name is amazing. Thank you.
9764981
You're welcome
9763860
Pick-axe Man!
One more time, baby. Oh Celestia!
His name is Pick-axe Man!
I’m like a superhero but buckin pointless!
Buck you, he’s Pick-axe Man!
Just try to get me off your wall!
BUCK!
9765646
That's it, it's decided. I'm doing the other two parts, as well as the song. It's going to happen.
OMFG YES
This is art at it's finest put through a machine on very fine setting over and over and over again XD
9764770
Your wish is granted, part 2 is up now.
Should've been a shovel. Game over.
9767175
😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲
Thank You
You kinda ruined whole fun by being too detailed. You can't describe everything around in detail when writing humor, especially someone else's humor. It's plain obvious there are two completely different styles.
9768503
I hear ya, and as surprising as it may be, I agree with you. However, Fimficrion has a policy where you have to have a certain amount of words, and as such, I add more words to accommodate. The original version only had around 500-600 words instead of 1002.
9765516
Glad I could bring a smile to ya. Feel free to use it if you want!
9765765
XD, yes, i look forward to the adventures of pick-axe man
I can’t stop laughing!
pickaxe :D
basically suction cup man
Wait, what? Didn’t Steve say he couldn’t go down?
Huh.... well that’s a plot hole.
Lol this is basically the exact same thing and it’s still funny as hell!
10143583
Personally, I find it funnier because it's Royal Equestrian guards, who, canonically? Are about as smart as sand. Because that would be an insult to Boulder if I said about as smart as rocks. Sans Shining of course. And they're ponies. Which makes it even funnier because he choose an earth pony to do the bit of the business man. Not a unicorn.
9922072
Badum tish.
Honestly, I expected something like
“Shut the fuck up. You’re a fucking c***. Shut the fuck up. You’re a fucking c*** suck my dick.”