"Am fanfic game strawberry capri-sun"
Applejack's life is one of toil and of ...loneliness? Through all the grief in her life, Applejack finds a beacon of hope hanging from a strange tree. Is her shot at love staring her in the face, or is she just suffering from an exotic mental illness? This inanimate object shipping story is rated Teen for dark humor.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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There's already a story with a very similar name as this, you may want to change it.
1406510 Thanks for the heads up. Dumb people stealing my names
1407419
You know his story pre-dates yours, right?
1408314 Just making a joke, friend. :J
1408443
I thought so.
But still, worth making sure.
Alright, reviewing time. Given how short the story is, there won't be a whole lot to say, I don't think.
So to begin (not to go all EqD prereader on you here) the technical errors in this are too numerous to detail. So here's a (non-exhaustive) list of errors you committed at that you should review and revise.
- Confusing "its" with "it's"
- Forgetting to capitalise proper nouns such as "applejack", "diamond dogs" and "sonic rainboom"
- Improper dialogue tagging
Okay, aside from the errors, I don't quite know what to make of this. To be blunt, I don't really get the point. Applejack finds the "perfect apple", or something like that? There's no plot to this. It's a single event that has very little meaning. And in a mere thousand words you've managed to mess with canon at least three times:
1. Applejack didn't know what a Sonic Rainboom was until the episode, Sonic Rainboom. She didn't "see [one] that fateful night as a filly". And even if she did, you don't explain why that translated into an obsession with her farm.
2. The Diamond Dogs aren't real gangsters - they're completely subdued by Rarity whining at them. Breaking somepony's legs as part of a shakedown operation is something that the Diamond Dogs are neither willing nor able to do.
3. There is no nuclear waste in Equestria, because there are no nuclear reactors. I understand that this is a comedy, but just making an offhand remark that totally destroys canon like that is something that would only be acceptable in a [Random] story.
Length: If you do write another story (and I hope you do, as continued reading and writing is by far the most effective way to become a better writer), try to make it longer. A thousand words is usually not enough to engage someone in... well, just about anything. No matter the genre, more buildup and conflict is needed to make a story interesting. Unfortunately, there are no "general rules" for how long a fic should be. But I will say that I don't think I've read a story with less than 2.5k words that I really liked.
Final thoughts: This is far from the worst fic I've ever read, but it's just not any good. You need to try and come up with a story idea that readers will actually care about. I wish you the very best in this endeavour, and encourage you to take your time when considering story ideas.
-TWE's ReasonandRhyme, Daedric Prince of Rewrites
1463966 I honestly think you are taking it a tad bit too seriously. You also don't seem to comprehend that this is a unfinished fic, but thanks anyway.
1493409 *checks tags*
... INCOMPLETE?!?!?!
I'VE BEEN DUPED.
Ah, oh dear. Well that invalidates some of what I said, but not all. You should still be concerned about your narrative voice and... Well, just making the story comprehensible in general. Also, you picked an odd time to end the chapter - most chapters should end at a minor conclusion, especially if you're going to leave it without an update for a little while.
1493462 In that regard I would agree with you. Yet, I write at my own pace and for my own pleasure. It's better to write for yourself and not have an audience then to write for an audience and have no self. Also, is there any particular way I could make my narrative voice er... better?
1493487 As a rule, try to avoid asking rhetorical questions in the narrative - it's more effective to have a character think those thoughts. I'm talking about this:
When you could instead do this:
It brings the reader into the story more. It's hard to tell if this piece should be classified as third person limited or third person omniscient, seeing as there are no other characters present besides AJ. But if it's limited, then you should try throwing in main character thoughts, especially when they replace personal-sounding narration.
Aside from that, your descriptions are alright, if a bit cliche. Mostly it's the incoherence and randomness that makes me feel meh about this fic.