Forgive me for my opinion, but I don't really like you combining Equestria with the modern day world. (Minecraft and computers and shit on Equestria? dude...)

But in your case, I'll make an exception. Let's just see where this goes.

Good humanized stories are pretty hard to come by these days, but you seem to be doing quite well with it.

Two things though:

1) Space your paragraphs. Really massive blocks of text are hard to read, so try to break those up.

2) Show, don't tell. This kinda ties in with the previous point in that what you can tell with two hundred words, you can show with twenty.

Premise sounds good. I'll give it a look later. I hope this isn't a human X pony fic though. If Applejack's human, I'll be fine with that because I expect her to be human from the cover image.

>>696422696422

This isn't Equestria though, It's earth, with the humanized Apple family.

Interesting...

+Follow

I must say, you've captured my attention. Perhaps it's because you've managed to describe me so well.

I will say, however, that some of the pacing is just a tad awkward. It jumps rather rapidly throughout the chapter, and a few 'jumps' seemed unnecessary.

That aside, I'm enjoying what I'm seeing so far. I'll be keeping my eye on this one.

>>696580696580

Thank you s'much!

I'm also a big fan of your fiction. It partially inspired me to write this. I agree it might skip, but you must understand I have limited time here and sometimes, I can't think of diddly squat to put on the in-between.

That being said, I'll make sure to only improve it!

>>696436696436

I'll keep that in mind!

Like the whole gaming description because I think most bronies on here are gamers or have seen animes. Also, I'm not sure if you should assume or describe the reader as not good at military games because I am pretty good in my opinion. That aside, love this. Have a thumb man. (non sexual way of course)

>>696669696669

Aw, I was hoping for a sexual thumb.

I said that because I didn't want people getting the image that he spent all his time cussing on military games. This guy's a gentle gamer who is content with his city life and doesn't want anything disrupting it.

Me like.

>>696699696699

Me like that you like

>>696713696713 Me want moar.

Well, in some cases I had to scale text walls, but overall it was mehkay. You have gramerical errors in the case of quotations. Any sort of speech that modifies dialogue needs to be lowercased at the start of the setence and the quote before needs to be ended with a comma.

It is written well, but I say mehkay just for the sole reason that I don't like humanized, but whatever butters your boat. I'm not voting this up or down.

Dear lord, the ending! That's one way of starting off a romance.

Side note: Good job, I saw very little to get after you for but, considering that I have the vision of a eighty five year old man...(shrugs)

Edit: (Goes through the various comments and notices what Sorren says) And that's why I'm a horrible editor/author, I can't spot ANYthing.

>>696727696727

Me want you want moar...

Serious time: I would say to expect the next chapter in about three days maybe, give or take a few.

>>696755696755

Tis better to remain neutral, my friend. I'll take your advice to heart ^^,

>>696812696812 Tis nice to see somepony that doesn't rage at me for my honest opinion. Three times I have pissed new authors off telling them why thier fic has problems and all they do is yell then go to my userpage and downvote everything

I approve of you.

>>696807696807 My serious time as well.  Where do you say your inspiration came from?

>>696823696823

*Their

I'm pretty hard to piss off, honestly xD Plus, it specifically says on my bio that CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is always welcome. Your constructive criticism is appreciated because without it, would my stories ever change?

paragraphs

have you heard of them?

other than that its all cool

>>696842696842

It's a fiction called "Scorched." Tis a great fic, and I anticipate every chapter!

>>696860696860

Gee, are my paragraphs THAT big!?

I might have to fix this later...

>>696868696868yes

please do

DO IT!

DOO EET NAO!

Interesting... I'll follow this for now.

Interesting concept; always did enjoy 2nd person since Crowley. Anyway, you literally got the first paragraph completely correct about me. Have you been spying on me?

>>696920696920

Image: http://transitionvoice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/ITS-all-good.png

>>696905696905 Maaayybbeeeee...?

>>696930696930

Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.

>>696945696945 Oh I don't think you'd want that, Loki...

It's hazardous to your health...

I'm only halfway, but I HAD to say this.

Okay, first of all, I think the character... ME, is a total brat.

Second, I also have Math to finish, so I can really relate to him...

Third... I always wanted a Skyrim hoodie!

Either way, Like + Fave

>>696976696976

I have one that says "Fus Ro Dah" on the front. It's black and the words of power are in white.

You jelly?

>>696990696990

Yeah!?

Well, I have a... *shuffles around stuff*

A Lagiacrus statue!

Image: http://huntinggrounds.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/cfd8140feb0381aded98e7244ccb2041.jpg

You jelly?

PS: Please, let's not make this a competition

this describes my life perfectly....

STOP STALKING ME!!!!!!

>>697051697051

I'm not one to compete, no worries.

And I'm so jelly, you can call me Smuckers now xD

>>697138697138

Never.....

But I wuv shooters! Oh well, just to also tell you I'm interested. Don't thank me, just post the next chapter

>>697180697180

To each their own I suppose...Just pretend he loves them ^-^

>>696792696792

Like the ending? I spent an entire 5 minutes thinking it up and writing it. I figured the story needed some lolz to end it with before I published it.

FUN FACT: First time I submitted this, it wasn't approved by mods

Reason: It lacked ponies. I planned for the Apple family to make their appearance next chapter, so I just whipped up part 2 of this today. I had the first part done by the end of yesterday.

I like the story, bro! Please continue! When are you updating?

*sigh* That guy sense. Always being right....

>>698542698542

In a few days, but it takes time to edit it and everything...I need to make sure the chapters are top notch before publishing

>>700330700330

Yep, us guys develop it over the years

>>700372700372 Okay. Cool. Thanks, man!

Oooo I can feel it this is going to get really good I can tell

Awesome work dude!!!!!!!! And ps:I love scorched too!!!!!...this describes me spooking much!!!wow have u met me before!?!?!? Either ways I love yur fic and I'll be seating more...man now I'm waiting for too story updates!!!!!!!!!! but still epic

>>703780703780

Little do they know that I secretly stalk everypony....

I have a rule not to thumb stories that only have one chapter (unless that is the whole thing) but Ill make an exception....

>>706576706576

Does it look like the end? xD

More will be out soon, like tomorrow evening :3

I keep getting email saying it updated but it still only shows the first chapter  

>>706662706662

I eagerly await it *bows his head* I shall read this till the end

Wait a second, is this going to turn into a clopfic?

>>708149708149 I have no plans for that AS OF NOW!!!

Maybe that can be a separate story...

>>707314707314

Whilst editing here I accidentally clicked 'publish'

Sorry for making your Rarity despair

Man I cant wait for the next chapter.

FIRST!

Wow, I am a slightly-perverted wimp without a good work ethic. And no sense of humor.

But enough about me, this chapter was pretty good.

In the legendary words of all people who have ever messed something up bad:

Crap...

Big trouble with AJ- I'm sorry; Applejack. If he ever meets Rainbow Dash I can't imagine it will be very pleasant.

Anyways, would be really cool if he used the recent events to fuel his hatred for his weaknesses, making him start working out, getting up earlier, etc. To become a much better individual. That's what I do.

>>712027712027

But for now, he's gonna feel the wrath of Applejack xD

>>711946711946 How ironic...

LAWL. Dat ending.

Me liek even moar.

>>712041712041

Oh I bet... Ever tried chasing a pig in attempts to subdue it? It's messy (and I mean messy!) business. Especially when you fail profusely at it...

Do you plan on introducing any of the other characters from mlp, or are you just sticking with the apple family.

Are the others going to be making appearances?

Applejack knows what Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 is?

...

MARRY ME!!

>>712137712137

I don't plan on it...

Just my personal opinion here, if you're going to tell a story in second person, try and avoid lengthy descriptions like that, there's a high probability you'll be wrong.  Other than that, great story.  Much better than I expected.  Have a mustache.

I FUCKING LOVE IT... when he was looking her ass I was thinking "Dat Plot... I watch it for teh plot"

>>712302712302

It's an unorthodox 2nd person. I kind of gave him a 'shape' so to speak so It could be used for some jokes you'll see later on.

>>712329712329

Don't we all?

>>712145712145

It was my favorite game in my young childhood xD And AJ knows a very specific video game name, doesn't she? *Hint hint*

Dammit, Applebloom! Why did you let the pigs out!?

I feel bad for blaming her.

>>712489712489

Yup, I can see where you're going with that.

Also, Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1 is my favorite. I wasted countless hours playing that 1st level!

I can't wait for the HD version! Even though it can't replace the original.

>>712534712534

True dat...

Thank you for making a character who makes me feel not quite as pathetic at manual labor!

But seriously, this is far better than I'd have expected a humanized story to be.

>>713184713184

Tis better to not judge by the cover of the book, young brony.

Hahahahaha BUSTED!!!!!

>>716798716798

Busted like the Titanic....

Too soon?

I have to admit the dialogue is better than I expected. But why describe the mundane task of prepping the water, it wasn't as interesting or relevant as the descriptions (short but detailed enough, wouldn't change that) of farm tasks. Oh well, please continue

I follow. Cautiously. My thumb, however, is readily yours.

Well, shit.

>>718910718910I think like Titanic

Damn, I knew I was weak... But damn... I gotta work out more...

This is some story and a very interesting punishment overall.  I can't wait to see more of this storyline of yours.

Nice story, But i dont quite get the AJ beeing so harmful towards the outsider :?

>>725648725648

All will be explained in due time, young filly

I like how this is going so far. The comedic dialogue is what really gets me though. I laugh out loud at any nerdy reference and snappy comeback.

Also...

"Look, city boy. Nobody calls me AJ Except my family an' friends. You don't fit in neither category."

...Hm. Sounds familiar...

>>727332727332

Sorry, needed something for Applejack to get mad at him about and I couldn't resist xD

*Copyright monster comes*

OH MY GOD D:

*HOMONOMNOMONOMONOMNOM*

X_X

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORM!

I-I mean WORK!

>>727357727357

Methinks that typo was on purpose?

>>727363727363...mebeh

but I mean it

worms are cool

and funny

and they kill eachother

with epic weapons!

>>727369727369

*Royal CanterLOCK voice*

WE CONCUR!!!

>>727373727373*RCV*

YES

>>727377727377

*In Royal Canterlock voice*

INDEED!!!!!!

>>727381727381*in raxacoricophalapatorian*

quite so!

>>727386727386

O.O

I surrender...

>>727395727395YES

YES!

bison get over here and yell with me!

Image: http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs/126331_o.gif

I have to say, a few minor tweaks and he would be me.  I simply must see where this goes, if nothing else, to see where this suspiciously familiar character ends up.

This chapter... I like it...

ANOTHA!

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgsemk1t9I1qbg23ko1_500.gif