Ian Zairon stepped through the portal, into an entire multiverse of adventures. This is just one of his many stories.
After Ian's sister, Aedra, forced him to leave her behind and continue searching for their brother, Fenix, on his own, he was saddened. As he left that universe, he felt a shiver in his energy that reminded him of something, he realised too late it reminded him of his own home universe's Aedra's atoms were dissolved into jelly as the laws of physics changed and the universe Ian had just left was ripped asunder.
That left only Ian as the sole carrier of his father's, if you could even call it a father, energy. Aedra was ripped apart and Fenix was stranded somewhere in the multiverse. It was this realization that allowed the energy to redevelop a sentient state. And it was this state that allowed Ian's abilities to finally come out. Over his next few journeys, he learned to control these abilities and use them at will, unlike his brother and sister.
During one journey, he was about to leave when a burst of his own energy impacted the device as it was opening a portal, changing the way it functioned. He stepped through, oblivious to the fact that the next universe he stepped into may not be the same as any other.
As he stepped through the portal, his physiology changed, resembling that of equines. As he learned the naming scheme, to fit in he named himself Dimension Shift.
This is the story of Dimension Shift's first time in Equestria.
If you want to see Ian's adventure to build the device and escape his home universe before it was ripped to pieces, see Ian Zairon : The Origin Point over on Fictionpress.com
Dont you dare quit a story with as much promise as this
Don’t listen to the guy above me. This fic is dead in the water.
9724765
Yeah, thanks for that.
I however, will not be listening to your advice. I have plenty of ideas and I need to get those ideas down.
Okay, this will be the final chapter that I write without the knowledge of the entire show. In five days, I will start watching every single episode minus a few that aren't on YouTube. That will take however many nights it takes, and then I will start writing again. Although perhaps not immediately. As long as I have ideas, this story will be my outlet. Do not worry about that.
It seems some do not like this story. If you do not like it, tell me why. If you have a problem with the story, tell me what it is. I might use your criticism to make the story better. If you are worried about the pacing, well part of it is because I was trying to put off meeting the six properly until I have watched the entire show. That is why I don't want to do the next chapter yet. There is no way at that none of the six will show up if a bipedal, talking walking metal thing showed up on the middle of town and started asking where it was and threatening to blow up the place. If the pacing is too fast, tell me how to fix it. Please.
All of this goes double for people who dislike.
Yo, what the Hell? Quit jacking my style, I'm the first one to make an overpowered alicorn OC, go get your own schtick.
And a moldable metal arm and metal wings? Ugh, are you trying to copy me? Seriously! What's the backstory? That her arm got mangled because of some boulders and avalanche? Come on!
From the first chapter and synopsis alone, I can tell that this story needs a lot of work. There's plenty to critique here.
You're cramming too much into too little paragraphs, without going into any real detail on much of the situation. Try describing the scenery more, his bewilderment and difficulty adjusting to a new environment. Take time in developing what's being described, and don't glaze over things. If you rush a story, it becomes uninteresting.
Becoming an alicorn off the bat, personally I feel is overrated and way too common, but it's a minor concern. I'm not feeling much empathy for Ian, especially with the way he decides to be "creepy and stalk her". Like, WTF?! That just screams perverted creep or rapist. If you want people to relate with him, try letting them get to know a bit more about his personality through the tests he's put up against. And don't make him seem like a rapist by saying something like the above example. No one in their right mind likes those kind of people. It's okay to say that he's spying on them from a distance, because he's unsure if they're hostile or not, but it's never okay to say that he's "deciding" to be "creepy".
The synopsis is more of an expedition than what it is intended to be; a synopsis. This makes it boring for many who'd read it. A synopsis is supposed to act like a hook the readers are drawn to. Gives only so much information, baits it to catch their attention, and then leaves them with a lingering feeling to figure out what's going on.
Saying that someone's too emotional to really be kind and too different to understand makes very little sense; being different especially would make them understand the most on plenty of matters that count. Fluttershy gets plenty emotional, and she's vastly different from the majority of other ponies she lives around. Yet, she's still very kind and understanding to those around her.
And (minor detail) horns aren't sensitive enough to cause someone to pass out by getting hit or torn off (even in real life), though it does undoubtedly hurt a lot.
With all that being said, this story does have potential to it, and if you work hard enough and use some of the tips provided to improve your writing, I believe you could turn it into something great.
9922725
He's not Exactly an alicorn, just one physically. Not magically. Although he can use magic, just not in the way any of the species normally on the planet can.
9922736
No, she is an inventor. And he cut his own arm off when he was younger because he was forced to kill his parents and almost his siblings and he couldnt take it so he cut his other arm off to keep himself from stopping himself, then stabbed through his eye. He would have died had it not been for what exactly he is.
9922806
For the Alicorn part, youll see why hes not actually an alicorn later.
For the creepy part, he is sort of like Discord, although less in the extreme. He does alot of the stuff he does to entertain himself.
As for the adjusting part, he doesnt have to. He's been doing stuff like this (Interuniversal travel) for millenia. He's used to it by now. The only real difference is this time he's alone so far.
As for your other critiques, I'll try and do those things differently, try and fix some of the mistakes in format and speed and stuff. Thank you for critiquing my story, by the way.
And as for the too emotional to be truly kind, she was kind because she was emotional, not because she was kind. She physically couldn't stand others being sad or dissapointed or distressed. It physically hurt her because she would feel those emotions and due to how her emotions worked, it would amplify them to the point of an emotional overload. She was kind, but not because she was kind. Because of how her emotions worked, she had to be kind. And being too kind would cause an emotional overload in the opposite direction.
9923311
Saying he's kinda like Discord isn't an excuse to be creepy like that. Even Discord wasn't that creepy, and if your character does that to amuse himself, then he has a very sick sense of humor.
And saying he doesn't have to adjust, with no prior reason explained to the audience as to why, is a lazy excuse to not be bothered with that detail.
One of my main OCs travels dimensions and such all the time, and has done so for a long time. Yet he never once wasn't required to adjust to the world around him. Because even if it's an alternate of the same world, no two worlds are ever the same. And as far as I can tell, Ian has never been to any version of Equestria before, so even if he's not utterly bewildered, he'd at least still be confused, curious, and needing to adjust to an environment he's never been in before.
9923303
Hi TD! And yo, I didn't think it was possible to come up with an edgy as Hell backstory. Its almost enough to stab a hundred babies. Did you just come up with that on the fly? Je-he-sus. And an inventor? Shit, she must be good to make some nanotechnology. Especially with Equestria' s current technology state.
9923385
Oh he's curious, sure. He's just seen wierded. After all, he has been doing this for around about 7000 years, with around 1 year to a single century (at most) for each verse. So he's been to alot. More than I can ever hope to cover in full.
And he does have an odd sense of humor, though he only occasionally likes to be creepy. That happens to you after some of the things hes seen and been through.
And I thought I did explain that in the begining thingy. (Beggining or begining?)
And another reason he dose'nt have to process is because he dosen't think like we do. He's not human.
9923423
It's magic tech, not nanotech. I prefer to call her a Magiventor, honestly. And she IS extremely good at what she does. Though the wings were a fluke caused by a rainbow. (Hint at whats to come)
And no, not just now. He did it because the energy being that was bound to him (Polaris) went feral and controlled him, making him absorb the neural energy of his parents, and if he hadn't been able to trap Polaris in a mental prison for a few years, his brother and sister. He couldn't live with himself at the time knowing that at any moment he might end up losing control over Polaris and essentially sucking the life (From a distance) Out of everybody he knew and cared about.
And the LMAR Liquid Metal Arm Replacement is for Ian, not Icy.
And Ian isn't from this verse, if you are confused on how this verse might have liquid metal. It dosent.