After a mugging gone wrong, I wake up in a strange castle after being "saved" by Q from Star Trek. To make matters worse, the local population thinks I'm the lost prince of the Crystal Empire, Shadow Heart. Or to be more accurate: King Sombra.
Hum, I take it that King Sombra never came to take over the Crystal Empire in this story, I wonder if the crystal ponies will respect them as much if they don't find a way to show that they can protect they if the Sombra had came and left with near impunity from the population? I wonder what happened to the actual King Sombra or his soul? So far the story doesn't look to bad, though I am not clear where this is going, as there doesn't seem to have much of a goal at the moment to keep om attention, so a bit ambivalent for now. Still this could be interesting, so lets' look what will happen next. I wonder why discord decided to change history like that and is it the same discord serving as a pigeon stool at the moment?
Still if you are ever looking for a cover art look me up, you can see my DA gallery in the link bellow if you want to. https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
Though, as much as I wanted to take shelter in the crystal city located at the heart of the pink dome. That would be a horrible idea. My reasoning for my inability to trust the mysterious city came from the individual known as Q. He deliberately placed me here to be the dark evil overlord hell-bent on taking over the city and becoming the villain for whatever "hero" that would eventually show up to defeat me.
How does the MC know this? Did I skip something, because I don't remember seeing anything that even slightly foreshadows this. The only thing I can think of is the MC is a brony, but that doesn't make sense since he keeps calling Discord "Q".
And Q will know my rage when I skull-fuck him to death until he dies.
Oh yes, the being who brought you from the dead and put you in another body in another world/dimension/universe will definitely feel your rage. Oh yes. By the way, did you happen to study the blade while everyone of your peers was out partying?
So there I was, the evil King Sombra, back from the dead to enslave all the cute little ponies.
See first point again.
I want to clarify that the only reason I'm posting this is because I do see potential in the story. The writing itself isn't too bad. But if the issues aren't pointed out to the author, the author can't get any better.
"That fucking asshole couldn't let me die and made me a pawn in whatever his game he's playing. Well, guess what! I'm not playing!" I shouted with my new husky baritone voice to the heavens. "Thank you for saving my life, but the next time I see you. I'm jamming my brand new horse-cock down your fucking whore throat until you die of asphyxiation! You quantum cum-bucket piece of shit!"
Well.....he seems to be taking this quite well all things considered.
I'm liking this story, the only 2 things that bother me is 1. Shadow Heart? really? and 2. the fact that Sombra doesn's actually has sideburns, those black things are part of the crown.
Okay, while this has a lot of potential, there's a lot that totally brings me out of the story.
First, if we assume that he is a brony, and therefore knows who Sombra is, or what ponies are in this context, why does he keep calling Discord Q?
Second, if we assume that he has no idea what ponies are, or the show does not exist on his world, how does he know that he is a villain, named Sombra for that matter?
Finally, if we assume that he is not a brony, but knows about ponies enough to recognize that he is a villain, why does he not react to becoming a pony? (That actually applies if the show just doesn't exist on his world, too, as ponies are very different looking in FiM.)
And the last point is more of a guideline, here. Was there a definitive reason for the main character to be human? I mean, you obviously aren't going for the angle of adjusting to a completely alien body, since you skimmed over that part. Personalities can be easily created that aren't the normal, happy-go-lucky ponies, and even remote nations with vastly different cultures. Dying and waking up as Sombra is just as jarring.
Interesting concept. Seen plenty of these "Human becomes villain from the show" fics. Can't say I've seen one where they just go "F-that" and jump ship. But uh... I do have to wonder...
I'm so going to turn you into a proper housewife by the time we get to wherever this train is going," were my words before I began removing her armor with a slight struggle
9647688 All three points were fixed. The Brony thing...I mean, does he have to be one? Why can't he not be one? And everyone reacts differently to being changed into something. Some would go with the flow, others would freak out over it. Going ape-shit over being transformed is an annoying cliche at this point.
"Angel Blade?" I purred huskily. Next, I lifted her head with a hoof so that I could look into her stunning silver eyes, followed by softening my gaze. Once I had her fear-filled eyes looking into mine, I continued. "That's a beautiful name. A name perfect for the beautiful goddess standing before me."
"You are my bride, Lady Angel Blade. Why wouldn't we elope to another land far away from this one?" I replied nonchalantly before leaving the safety of the weather dome. I felt her body freezing in horror at my words.
What the fuck is going on?
"I'm so going to turn you into a proper housewife by the time we get to wherever this train is going," were my words before I began removing her armor with a slight struggle.
was a Pony. A handsome Pony. A sexy Pony. A heavily armored wet-dream Pony. A fucking Pony!
There's no need to capitalize Pony, Unicorn, Pegasus, etc, in this context.
"Female! What's your name and work designation," I ordered the mare with my deep and sexy voice.
"Angel Blade?" I purred huskily. Next, I lifted her head with a hoof so that I could look into her stunning silver eyes, followed by softening my gaze. Once I had her fear-filled eyes looking into mine, I continued. "That's a beautiful name. A name perfect for the beautiful goddess standing before me."
I continued with my hunky questioning. I had places to be after all, and this crystal city isn't one of them, "So, Private Angel Blade. Can I ask for your assistance? Or shall I get a bit more...Physical with your wonderful body."
This... This is literal cringe. Can you honestly speak these words out loud for yourself and feel at least some smidgen of embarrassment. It's been a while since I've read a story went from promising to off the rails so quickly.
I love it when people are creative with their insults.
I'm so going to turn you into a proper housewife by the time we get to wherever this train is going
Gonna have to agree with what other people had said. I initially thought the main character was hamming it up just to mess with Angel, chalk it up to a brief bout of insanity brought on by having his life flipped upside down (Perfectly understandable... we've all been there). After that last line though... I'm not so sure anymore.
How does the MC know this? Did I skip something, because I don't remember seeing anything that even slightly foreshadows this.
Genre savviness. I mean, you get transported by the sci-fi equivalent of Loki, wake up, and find yourself looking like this, what are you going to assume?
"I'm so going to turn you into a proper housewife by the time we get to wherever this train is going," were my words before I began removing her armor with a slight struggle.
Ok but why
"If you say so," Cadence sighed, shaking her head disbelievingly.
Ahh, this clears up the timeline. Sort of. Why was the barrier already there? Or is that the Crystal Heart barrier?
So, I'll give this a couple more chapters but so far my impression of this character is that he is a neckbeared who read the first chapter of a high school philosophy book and decided he was an expert.
It's all just so unbelievably cringe worthy and sue'ish. Doubly so when the guy started an internal monologue about how sexy and attractive his new horse body is.
Now, as for the end of the chapter; holy shit dude! First time out and about in a new world and I'm sopposed to just have a laugh at how funny and silly this character is because HE IS GOING TO KIDNAP AND GROOM A GIRL TO BE HIS PERFECT WIFE! That kind of development makes me really question you, the authors' mental health.
Staring back at me was a dark-gray, muscular, pony. The pony in question had deep emerald eyes, epic mutton-chops, a long, slightly-curved horn, thick shoulder-length hair, facial scars, and wolf-like teeth. There was a white diamond in between his eyes, a triangle-shaped chunk missing from his left, husky-like dog ears, and his body—my God his body—was forged and tempered by the Smith Gods of Olympus with a face that could cream any virgin that gazed upon him with a single glance. Also, he was wearing a fur-lined red cape, silver gauntlets, a crown that would make Sauron jealous, and silver armor underneath his cape.
Hum, I take it that King Sombra never came to take over the Crystal Empire in this story, I wonder if the crystal ponies will respect them as much if they don't find a way to show that they can protect they if the Sombra had came and left with near impunity from the population? I wonder what happened to the actual King Sombra or his soul? So far the story doesn't look to bad, though I am not clear where this is going, as there doesn't seem to have much of a goal at the moment to keep om attention, so a bit ambivalent for now. Still this could be interesting, so lets' look what will happen next. I wonder why discord decided to change history like that and is it the same discord serving as a pigeon stool at the moment?
Still if you are ever looking for a cover art look me up, you can see my DA gallery in the link bellow if you want to.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
I love this I need more stories like this. Now I want to know what is going to happen with the mare.
I hope most people realize that John de Lancie, who played Q in Star Trek TNG, also is the voice of Discord. Might explain a few things...
9644343
Well I know that, and you know that, but does Not-Sombra know that?
How does the MC know this? Did I skip something, because I don't remember seeing anything that even slightly foreshadows this. The only thing I can think of is the MC is a brony, but that doesn't make sense since he keeps calling Discord "Q".
Oh yes, the being who brought you from the dead and put you in another body in another world/dimension/universe will definitely feel your rage. Oh yes. By the way, did you happen to study the blade while everyone of your peers was out partying?
See first point again.
I want to clarify that the only reason I'm posting this is because I do see potential in the story. The writing itself isn't too bad. But if the issues aren't pointed out to the author, the author can't get any better.
Well.....he seems to be taking this quite well all things considered.
I'm liking this story, the only 2 things that bother me is 1. Shadow Heart? really? and 2. the fact that Sombra doesn's actually has sideburns, those black things are part of the crown.
Okay, while this has a lot of potential, there's a lot that totally brings me out of the story.
First, if we assume that he is a brony, and therefore knows who Sombra is, or what ponies are in this context, why does he keep calling Discord Q?
Second, if we assume that he has no idea what ponies are, or the show does not exist on his world, how does he know that he is a villain, named Sombra for that matter?
Finally, if we assume that he is not a brony, but knows about ponies enough to recognize that he is a villain, why does he not react to becoming a pony? (That actually applies if the show just doesn't exist on his world, too, as ponies are very different looking in FiM.)
And the last point is more of a guideline, here. Was there a definitive reason for the main character to be human? I mean, you obviously aren't going for the angle of adjusting to a completely alien body, since you skimmed over that part. Personalities can be easily created that aren't the normal, happy-go-lucky ponies, and even remote nations with vastly different cultures. Dying and waking up as Sombra is just as jarring.
Interesting concept. Seen plenty of these "Human becomes villain from the show" fics. Can't say I've seen one where they just go "F-that" and jump ship. But uh... I do have to wonder...
Is he supposed to seem so... Whatever that is?
9647688
All three points were fixed. The Brony thing...I mean, does he have to be one? Why can't he not be one? And everyone reacts differently to being changed into something. Some would go with the flow, others would freak out over it. Going ape-shit over being transformed is an annoying cliche at this point.
9647529
Why can't he have sideburns? What's wrong with them! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS~
9647363
Fixed.
Do... do you hear yourself speak?
What the fuck is going on?
"I'm so going to turn you into a proper housewife by the time we get to wherever this train is going," were my words before I began removing her armor with a slight struggle.
media0.giphy.com/media/5HyVZlZYxJPy7IC5Cz/giphy.gif
I
There's no need to capitalize Pony, Unicorn, Pegasus, etc, in this context.
This... This is literal cringe. Can you honestly speak these words out loud for yourself and feel at least some smidgen of embarrassment. It's been a while since I've read a story went from promising to off the rails so quickly.
9649379
Ditto was looking forward to this story now i' m not sure if I should continue
I love it when people are creative with their insults.
Gonna have to agree with what other people had said. I initially thought the main character was hamming it up just to mess with Angel, chalk it up to a brief bout of insanity brought on by having his life flipped upside down (Perfectly understandable... we've all been there). After that last line though... I'm not so sure anymore.
9647363
Genre savviness. I mean, you get transported by the sci-fi equivalent of Loki, wake up, and find yourself looking like this, what are you going to assume?
I was fine until he began interacting with Angel Blade. Dude. You're still a person. Act like one.
This is going to be facinating
Ok but why
Ahh, this clears up the timeline. Sort of. Why was the barrier already there? Or is that the Crystal Heart barrier?
So Discord put his soul in Sombra's body to act as his replacement but he did a fuck this shit I'm out and changed the story awesome and hilarious.
10049894
Indeed. I think as long as the original timdline is changes he archives his goal.
There areso many angles this can be worked on.
I love King Sombra displaced storys already.
So, I'll give this a couple more chapters but so far my impression of this character is that he is a neckbeared who read the first chapter of a high school philosophy book and decided he was an expert.
It's all just so unbelievably cringe worthy and sue'ish. Doubly so when the guy started an internal monologue about how sexy and attractive his new horse body is.
Now, as for the end of the chapter; holy shit dude! First time out and about in a new world and I'm sopposed to just have a laugh at how funny and silly this character is because HE IS GOING TO KIDNAP AND GROOM A GIRL TO BE HIS PERFECT WIFE! That kind of development makes me really question you, the authors' mental health.
9648213
Your not coming back are you?
Woof. Sounds like a total SILF!
Demoting her from sergeant and asking for her help in a single breath? Dawg, that’s cold. I know it’s the Frozen North, but... cold!