Hmm not bad so far. While the whole black alicorn is a cliche it is done tactfully so I'll let that slide. Other than that nit pic the story is forming up to be interesting. It has a unique premise and has flowed rather well. However it does feel a tad rushed. However I'm going to put that up to this being the second chapter and needing to get the exposition out of the way. So overall an interesting story so far with a good premise and good writing. I can't wait for more
9617357 Thank you very much for the feedback, I agree with you on your critiques as well. I want this to have as little exposition as possible so I just got it out of the way here. I also forgot about that trop , I need to say this that it wasn't intentional. I wanted to have an interesting character design while also making sense in universe since the main character is basically a living computer program.
9617428 Hmm well in that context it does make some sense for him to have that coloration. In a way it could be like it was ink but more in a metaphorical sense seeing as he was in the computer. It would be almost like he was printing a body that way and didn't have color ink. So in this scenario the trope works. The quick exposition isn't bad either given that it helps move the story along without feeling too unnatural. Seeing as he is a computer program so it maks sense that he has an accelerated view of reality. So props on that. All in all the choices you took made sense from a story telling point if not from a pacing point.
A little constructive criticism, the pacing and reaction of the character needs a little work. He sort of just went on his way after all the stuff that just happened to him, not once feeling afraid of the world he found himself in or being a program.
Plus he made his body and started exploring a bit quick. If he had started in the body it would be no issue, but he began a program. He has had no time to proccess what is going on or to even have a plan on what to do next
9617633 oh ok, well honestly, would you want to read an hie freak out for the thousandth time. I also did write him freak out a little bit at the end of the first chapter.
9617636 It's okay. Honestly, the Hie freakouts can be over done. And I wasn't saying he should be flipping out either. Hell one of my stories is a HiE , the character didn't freak out but instead got slightly depressed and wondered why. She doesn't show it around others but when she gets alone it shows. It just in my opinion needs a little something personal to the character.
Also, most importantly, you can take this and throw it in the trash. My opinion is worth shit. This is your story, have fun with it
Also, if magic is a thing, wouldn't souls be as well? If they did hit him with the elements, wouldn't they just make him a real boy? Er, colt? Stallion? Cuz its magic and I ain't gotta explain shit?
9756385 Or make him stone like discord, also in most or all HiE and Displaced fics I read they all were turned to stone so it makes sense, also if he's an made FROM the internet from the universal also I don't think the elements of harmony would turn an cyborg into an real Colt, if it did, it just kick our human out and put soul init or just make our human into the cyborg or something
Something that wasn't shown is the amount of time all this took. It's been made to look like this happened in the space of a few weeks, when in reality it could be months or even years. Building nuclear reactors (especially ones intended to be embedded in someone) take decades to plan, configure, and implement.
MMMmmmm i smell a bit of gary stu. a bit early to tell. but super-alloy nuclear powered alicorn-terminator within the second chapter has got me very wary.
10151966 The whole point of it is that it is physically overpowered, but he wants to keep hidden and live comfortably, so I went about trying to make a mind game type of cat and mouse with other characters to try to create a good conflict.
Just because a character is op as f*ck doesn't mean you can't work with it to make a good story, I mean, just look at one punch man, mob psycho 100, and Saiki K that all use overpowered mc's in good ways.
So yeah, he is op, but I'm trying to work with it to create a good narrative.
One: Hopefully you researched the species that your going to interact with, and found out that the ponies have a gender imbalance situation going on where 75 - 90% of their total population is female and the rest 25 - 10% is male.
Two: That isn't the only way you can escape from that situation, you could have pulled a William/Glitchtrap and taken over someone.
Three: I wonder how you'll deal with heat season, because even though you (currently) have no genitals they (the ponies) in there estrus state won't care what you say they'll check and try to force themselves on you (ponies that are every deep into estrus).
aunque estuvo genial y todo... pense que seria como una IA en el pony World que es basicamente un dios en el Internet ya que es una mente o alma humana alli y solo podria ser detenido si Internet y todo lo relacionado con las señales electricas es destruido
Hmm not bad so far. While the whole black alicorn is a cliche it is done tactfully so I'll let that slide. Other than that nit pic the story is forming up to be interesting. It has a unique premise and has flowed rather well. However it does feel a tad rushed. However I'm going to put that up to this being the second chapter and needing to get the exposition out of the way. So overall an interesting story so far with a good premise and good writing. I can't wait for more
9617357
Thank you very much for the feedback, I agree with you on your critiques as well. I want this to have as little exposition as possible so I just got it out of the way here. I also forgot about that trop , I need to say this that it wasn't intentional. I wanted to have an interesting character design while also making sense in universe since the main character is basically a living computer program.
9617428
Hmm well in that context it does make some sense for him to have that coloration. In a way it could be like it was ink but more in a metaphorical sense seeing as he was in the computer. It would be almost like he was printing a body that way and didn't have color ink. So in this scenario the trope works. The quick exposition isn't bad either given that it helps move the story along without feeling too unnatural. Seeing as he is a computer program so it maks sense that he has an accelerated view of reality. So props on that. All in all the choices you took made sense from a story telling point if not from a pacing point.
More please~?
Love this story and can wait for more
9617440
Wow thank you.
9617478
Ok.
A little constructive criticism, the pacing and reaction of the character needs a little work. He sort of just went on his way after all the stuff that just happened to him, not once feeling afraid of the world he found himself in or being a program.
Plus he made his body and started exploring a bit quick. If he had started in the body it would be no issue, but he began a program. He has had no time to proccess what is going on or to even have a plan on what to do next
9617558
True, but his program self is going to be worked in with the idea I have, which will also fulfill the mystery part of this story.
9617546
Sorry
9617486
Interesting story so far, I'll keep an eye on it but I'm more interested in your gamer story so far.
9617576
Ok, thank you for giving this a shot though.
9617574
Oh I'm not complaining about him being a program, im talking about his reaction to being one.
9617633
oh ok, well honestly, would you want to read an hie freak out for the thousandth time. I also did write him freak out a little bit at the end of the first chapter.
Sorry if this seemed a little rude.
Also I didn't want to write someone freaking out.
9617636
It's okay. Honestly, the Hie freakouts can be over done. And I wasn't saying he should be flipping out either. Hell one of my stories is a HiE , the character didn't freak out but instead got slightly depressed and wondered why. She doesn't show it around others but when she gets alone it shows. It just in my opinion needs a little something personal to the character.
Also, most importantly, you can take this and throw it in the trash. My opinion is worth shit. This is your story, have fun with it
9617659
I still value your opinion as a reader of this story, so I want to make sure people enjoy it.
9617662
And thank you, just remember to do what you want also
9617666
mk
9617578
Np long as a story gets a update every once in awhile and the story isn't hot garbage, i usually try to give them the benefit of the doubt
Too many red tags, hurt my eyes...
BTW I will follow your story
9618044
Sorry.
Not bad. The backstory for the world is good & I find myself curious to see what will happen next.
More please
Hmmmm. Ok.
Also, if magic is a thing, wouldn't souls be as well? If they did hit him with the elements, wouldn't they just make him a real boy? Er, colt? Stallion? Cuz its magic and I ain't gotta explain shit?
No entiendo la historia pero parece entretenida.
9799281
Gracias. Mi Español es pobre, pero gracias para el complemento.
9756385
Or make him stone like discord, also in most or all HiE and Displaced fics I read they all were turned to stone so it makes sense, also if he's an made FROM the internet from the universal also I don't think the elements of harmony would turn an cyborg into an real Colt, if it did, it just kick our human out and put soul init or just make our human into the cyborg or something
Something that wasn't shown is the amount of time all this took. It's been made to look like this happened in the space of a few weeks, when in reality it could be months or even years. Building nuclear reactors (especially ones intended to be embedded in someone) take decades to plan, configure, and implement.
9843887
you're right.
I don't have a rebuttal, so thanks for the criticism.
MMMmmmm i smell a bit of gary stu. a bit early to tell. but super-alloy nuclear powered alicorn-terminator within the second chapter has got me very wary.
10151966
The whole point of it is that it is physically overpowered, but he wants to keep hidden and live comfortably, so I went about trying to make a mind game type of cat and mouse with other characters to try to create a good conflict.
Just because a character is op as f*ck doesn't mean you can't work with it to make a good story, I mean, just look at one punch man, mob psycho 100, and Saiki K that all use overpowered mc's in good ways.
So yeah, he is op, but I'm trying to work with it to create a good narrative.
10152361
allright. That makes sense, its just offputting seeing how its usually used and all. No offense
10153629
it's ok, I just want to make it known that I'm making an attempt.
Three things:
One: Hopefully you researched the species that your going to interact with, and found out that the ponies have a gender imbalance situation going on where 75 - 90% of their total population is female and the rest 25 - 10% is male.
Two: That isn't the only way you can escape from that situation, you could have pulled a William/Glitchtrap and taken over someone.
Three: I wonder how you'll deal with heat season, because even though you (currently) have no genitals they (the ponies) in there estrus state won't care what you say they'll check and try to force themselves on you (ponies that are every deep into estrus).
aunque estuvo genial y todo... pense que seria como una IA en el pony World que es basicamente un dios en el Internet ya que es una mente o alma humana alli y solo podria ser detenido si Internet y todo lo relacionado con las señales electricas es destruido