- Member Since 26th Jan, 2018
- offline last seen April 20th
Synli
A writer who recently got into Ponies. Interested in trying her hooves at writing some stories~
Synli
Joined 26th Jan, 2018 ·
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Contest Judge. Some thoughts since you asked..
The subjective.
It's not a bad premise for a story. Celestia and Luna discovering their feelings in a dream has potential. As a backdrop for an incest fic though, I'm not sure it quite scratched the itch. A lot of time was spent detailing the battle and the struggle and the lead-up to those moments.. but that left less time to explore the actual taboo aspect of the incest, which for me is a huge part of the appeal.
So what about the technical stuff?
Your spelling and grammar are just fine. This is a great thing.
In terms of writing mechanics though, I have some editorial thoughts. Just a few because I don't want to overload the comments. I'll use one sentence:
Usage of 'that'. If you can remove this word from a sentence without losing the meaning of the sentence, axe it. It just adds more syllables and slows the pace.
'Began' as a verb. A character 'begins' to do an action. But do you really need to state a character is starting an action? Unless you intend for that action to be interrupted, there's no functional reason to state it 'begins'. just another word you can put on the chopping block.
Filtering. It's when you tell the reader a character experiences a sensation rather than simply describing the sensation. Don't need to say Celestia 'could feel' the warmth spreading.
Adverbs. I'm not an adverb nazi as some are, but a lot of them can be cut. words like 'quickly'. In the above sentence we know her search is visual because of 'signs', so a stronger verb like 'scoured' could be used in place of 'quickly scanning'.
The last thing was the word 'seemed' which you used quite a handful of times. It's another word you can cut in most cases and it'll make your prose sound stronger. I know the word does add some extra meaning to a phrase, but whatever small degrees of difference there are between saying 'x happened' and 'x seemed to happen' are rarely important enough to warrant the word.
You can also apply this same principal to any words which make your prose less definitive.
vs
Anyway that's my lecture mode done.
These sorts of things are stuff that pretty much all writers screw up on. Myself included. Keep them in mind and squash them in editing. Your prose will benefit greatly from trimming out the fat.
Best of luck to you.
9604299
Thank you so much for judging my story and giving me some well thought out critique.
I'm still trying to work on not packing my sentences with filler and fluff.
Definitely something that takes a bit of getting used to.
I'll try to take your critique to heart and use it to influence my writing for the better!
Thanks for the fic!
We have to go deeper!