The Queen of Deception had, at long last, corrupted Celestia's mind, secretly transforming her into a pliant slave. Now, it was time to deal with Twilight Sparkle... if only Celestia could be finally persuaded to betray her last line of resistance.
Not bad but a little generic. It would have been better if you make the techniques and phrases more specific to Twilight. Maybe leverage her admiration for Celestia more. That she was Celestia's student so now that Celestia has submitted to a superior being isn't it Twilight's duty to do so as well by proxy? Chrysalis is also the queen so you could try to leverage Twilight's pride in that she has been deemed worthy to directly serve such a great being.
"Stop resisting," Celestia demanded urgently, shuddering as the wet sounds of the dildo ramming in and out of her own pussy reached her ears. "Let Chrysalis twist your mind any way she wants!"
It would be more effective if Celestia put it in a more gentle way. Like "Don't resist Twilight. Chrysalis knows what she is doing. Please believe in her like how I believe in you."
"And she couldn't resist me," hissed Chrysalis. "Tell her, you brainwashed slave bitch. Tell her what I've turned you into!"
Again. Try to not make it so clear it's about absolute submission. Make it feel to Twilight like it's just agreeing with something or putting her trust in someone. Then build it from there.
Letting the words hang in the air, Chrysalis sneered with hungry satisfaction, then hammered home, "Celestia is my utterly broken slave. Say it!"
Once, those words would have provoked such a violent denial that no spell could have held Twilight's mind. But after that recital, after all she'd seen... a weak flare of refusal flickered through the dulled emotions emanating from the young pony, then sputtered out. "Celestia is your utterly broken slave," Twilight replied softly, without denial.
Maybe phrase it so that it doesn't involve Twilight having to change the sentence. That requires her brain to be active and Chrysalis wants to suppress it as much as possible.
Chrysalis felt the helpless shudder of arousal rock Celestia's body beneath her, and grinned savagely. Twilight was broken. Lustfully, Chrysalis hissed, "You love knowing that I've corrupted your mind, corrupted your beloved Princess. It makes you so fucking wet. You love being my brainwashed slave. You're a slut for me, constantly horny, always eager to offer up your - what was it?" the changeling asked rhetorically, then went on forcefully, "-your tight, unused holes."
Maybe make it a little less direct. Like "Your holes now are empty, unused, wasted. A good slave does not let herself go to waste now does she?"
Also with Celestia you could add a sense of guilt. That Twilight's resistance is causing Celestia discomfort and Twilight is all about making things easier for Twilight.
Love this chapter. Extremely hot and love the hypnosis and how she maneuvered her way to making Twilight submit (though twisting Celestia's thoughts was even hotter). Hope for another sequel for Luna
Before Chrysalis could even react to her new thrall's words, a wailing moan of urgent near-despair escaped Celestia's mouth, muffled by Twilight's body. Rolling her eyes, Chrysalis jerked her hips, feeling the ridges of Celestia's horn shift within her, and commanded impatiently, "Just cum, you fat-assed whore."
While I agree that this story could’ve been a bit more personal, the moments like this that show that Chrysalis is really only interested in the psychological aspect are a fantastic element of humor.
Its ridiculus how much less this turns me on in comparison to FiMindcontrol...and its not the writing.
Not bad but a little generic. It would have been better if you make the techniques and phrases more specific to Twilight. Maybe leverage her admiration for Celestia more. That she was Celestia's student so now that Celestia has submitted to a superior being isn't it Twilight's duty to do so as well by proxy? Chrysalis is also the queen so you could try to leverage Twilight's pride in that she has been deemed worthy to directly serve such a great being.
It would be more effective if Celestia put it in a more gentle way. Like "Don't resist Twilight. Chrysalis knows what she is doing. Please believe in her like how I believe in you."
Again. Try to not make it so clear it's about absolute submission. Make it feel to Twilight like it's just agreeing with something or putting her trust in someone. Then build it from there.
Maybe phrase it so that it doesn't involve Twilight having to change the sentence. That requires her brain to be active and Chrysalis wants to suppress it as much as possible.
Maybe make it a little less direct. Like "Your holes now are empty, unused, wasted. A good slave does not let herself go to waste now does she?"
Also with Celestia you could add a sense of guilt. That Twilight's resistance is causing Celestia discomfort and Twilight is all about making things easier for Twilight.
Love this chapter. Extremely hot and love the hypnosis and how she maneuvered her way to making Twilight submit (though twisting Celestia's thoughts was even hotter).
Hope for another sequel for Luna
While I agree that this story could’ve been a bit more personal, the moments like this that show that Chrysalis is really only interested in the psychological aspect are a fantastic element of humor.
This is easily my top three clop fics I’ve ever read, I hope you make another sequel one day