Alchemist's Apprentice

by Feurisson

Chapter 1

The sky was overcast with light grey clouds, as it was usually the case around here. The sun rarely shone here, it was either raining or very cloudy. Or snowing in the winter.

Here, in a remote town in the far north, mostly isolated from the rest of the world. The few travellers that come here often refer to it as “The Dark City of the North”. That's probably because of the mighty old fortress residing on a mountain just outside the town. Built by King Sword Blade in ancient times, its intimidating appearance and strong fortification has preserved the town's independence over the centuries, the black sandstone it is formed of earning it the nickname “The Black Castle”. Its sheer size makes it visible from a long distance, and its many high towers often cast a shadow on the town. A lot of black smoke comes from the town's many workshops and can on some days cover up the sky completely. This was, besides the fortress and the weather, probably another reason for the town's notorious disrepute.

It is a place I call my home. I was born here, now twenty-one years ago, and also grew up here. Never have I been outside the tall city walls, the streets paved with cobblestones and the mostly timberframe facades are all I know.

I was on my way to the chemist's shop, where I worked, walking past a store selling weeds and potions, glad that it at least wasn't raining, when suddenly a drop hit my muzzle.

Great. Of course I hadn't brought anything to protect me from any sudden rainfall, so I started running, the sound of my hooves echoing on the streets. It was starting to pour already, and my place of work was still a couple of blocks away. Sighing, I turned into a side street and entered the first pub that came along. My yellow coat and messy, dark green mane were already soaking wet.

It was pretty dark inside, the only light coming from two candlesticks hanging from the ceiling. Looking around, I saw that most of the visitors were pegasi, the rest, including the bartender, unicorns. A lot of them were playing cards or just chatting with each other, but after hearing the door creak upon my entrance, everypony turned their heads toward me and stopped talking. I noticed how all of them seemed to be older than me, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Being the only earth pony in a crowded room also gave me a strange sensation of being out of place, and so I quickly made my way to a free table at the end of the room. Normally I wouldn't have stayed as I didn't particularly enjoy such company, but the rain outside was still getting worse and it was at least dry and warm here.

I sat down, and the bartender, a burgundy-colored unicorn who had been eyeing me suspiciously while cleaning a glass with a towel in his magical grasp, finally asked,

“Your wish?”

“Um, a cider, please.”

I actually didn't like cider that much, but I had to order something, and I couldn't expect them to have something like goat milk. He opened a cupboard behind him, took a mug out of it and filled it to the rim with the foaming beverage.

“Hey, where I come from, little colts aren't allowed to drink at this age. Are things different here?”

I turned my head and saw a gray pegasus stallion standing in front of me. He was of remarkable height and wore a sly smile. I was about to open my mouth and reply, when he continued, “Just kidding, young fella. I just wanted to ask, do you know a good place to stay the night? I asked my friends here, but nopony could give me a coherent answer.”

At this remark a lot of the aforementioned laughed out loud.

“There's a hostel in the Blacksmith Street. J-just go right and then turn left at the next crossing.”

I was beginning to get nervous, I didn't know what to think of that guy. And I really wasn't comfortable around these kind of guys, I've often heard how easily drunken ponies like them could start a quarrel. Trouble I wanted to avoid.

“Thanks, little guy.” Oh, how it annoyed me when someone still called me that.

“By the way, is the weather always so bad around here? In Trottingham, where I come from, it's almost always sunny. Is this why they call this town 'The Dark City of the North' ?”

He grinned, while I couldn't bring myself to find this funny. I had heard it too often. It's like every traveller who comes here has to make a joke on the weather, or explain how he believed us to be minions working for some kind of ponified evil. Those who bring up the latter have probably heard of the legend surrounding the castle next to our town. It is believed that just before sunset, when the sky is a mix of red and orange, there is a lost soul wandering around in it. The ghost of Earl Sharp Knife, the last king of this town, known for his violent reign and dead for two hundred years now, is supposedly haunting its halls and rooms, with his trusty spear still in his hooves, looking for intruders.

As he was the last member of a proud noble family and left the world without any descendants; the city has been governed by a council since then. His death is still being speculated on. Some believe he was killed by a curse, and that the town has likewise been cursed ever since his death. Therefore, some ponies, especially in the south, sometimes just can't accept that we here are normal ponies just like them. At least this pegasus seemed to be sensible, and otherwise just a normal traveller.

My musings were interrupted when said pony spoke to me again,

“Mind showing me the way?”

“I'm sorry, I have to go to work in a minute or I'll be late. “

Peeking out of the window, I noticed that the rain had finally stopped.

“That's fine, I have some things to do for myself, too. How about we meet at nine in the evening again, here in front of the tavern?”

Why was he so persistent? The inn was not that hard to find. But I didn't had time for questions, and at that time I saw no harm in showing a stranger around the town, so I just said, “Fine,” paid my (still untouched) drink and hurried outside.

The sun still wasn't shining, instead the city was covered up with the same grey clouds, which seemed ready for another shower, so I hurried to arrive dryly this time. The change in season was very much perceptible now, spring had finally arrived. Of all seasons this was my favourite. It wasn't so cold anymore, and there was much less smoke and stench in the air, as ponies were heating less than in winter. Also this meant it wouldn't be snowing anymore, I couldn't stand this strange kind of rain, feeling wet and freezingly cold on my coat. And it wasn't so unbearably hot as it is in in Summer either. Nor was it so stormy as it usually is in the autumn.

Then I heard the bell of the town hall. I stopped and counted six strokes. I was late again! Under my breath I cursed my decision to visit the pub just so I could escape the rain, so I started gallopping towards Chemist's street. I didn't actually dislike rain, most of the time I in fact enjoyed rain – if I was watching it from inside with a cup of hot milk on my side. Running through rain outside got you a wet coat, and I couldn't stand that. Besides you might get a cold. At least, that's what my mother always said to me. She also told me that I was born on a rainy day in early spring just like this. That's probably why she chose “Spring Rain” as a name for me, too.

By now, I had passed a bakery where I normally would go to during break time to buy some filled rolls and was now standing in front of the door of the Chemist's shop. I hoped that the master wouldn't be angry at me for being late, I had only started my apprenticeship a few weeks ago and didn't want to lose it because of such a stupid mistake.

Some thought it strange, an earth pony learning from an unicorn how to make various medicines, strange potions and other things that resembled magic to others, but I didn't pay much attention to them. In the end, magic wasn't a thing that was limited to unicorns anyway, and alchemy certainly wasn't the kind of magic you would need an horn for.

I knocked on the door, and upon receiving no response, I gently pushed it open and peeked inside. There seemed to be no one around, so I silently entered the room, made my way past the counter and opened a second door leading to a private room. I took a step inside was immediately greeted by the sounds of various pieces of apparatus hissing and making other strange noises, and by the grim expression of my mentor, Starswirl the Bearded.

Comments

[Feurisson]

If you find mistakes of any kind, please don't hesitate to point them out.

[Feurisson]

1051051 Thanks a lot! I'll fix that.

[Aldrigold]

Interesting premise. I like what you have here, but I have two points of critique.

First, the minor one-you want to put a space between your paragraphs, and indent them. Minor formatting issue, I know, but it does a lot for us readers who want to avoid eyestrain.

Also, some of the explanation of the world comes in a way that is dangerously close to info-dumping, such as when you discuss Earl Sharp Knife.

I will keep an eye on this story!

[Feurisson]

1115742 Thanks. I'll try to avoid that in the future.

[cxzyzx]

I alt-tabbed and wrote notes down as I was reading.

Here goes:
Put a double space between paragraphs and indent the first line of each one- it may not be proper formatting for real books but it looks much cleaner on FiMFiction. There is a convenient little button for the indenting, though you will have to manually do the spacing.

Something I learned in past English classes that is damn true, though I didn't accept it for awhile, 'Never start a story with a description of the weather. You can bust it out a paragraph in, but the first sentence... Never.'

From the first line:
"as it was usually the case around here. The sun rarely shone here,"
Repetition of this sort must be avoided!

*continues reading*

Alright!
There were some grammatical mistakes, some faulty repetition, some fragmented sentences (some of which were purposeful and added to the prose, but some of which were jerky and abrupt), yet, overall it was very good! The idea is wonderful and must be expounded on. I was grinning from ear to ear at the last line of Chapter 1.

So, in conclusion: I think you need an editor- for you have a great idea and are executing it fairly well, it just needs to be refined a bit.
Can I nominate myself? I'll do an edit draft of this chapter for you if you like, so you can judge my efforts before you accept. I want to be in on this story as it develops ;D

[Feurisson]

1764363 Thanks a lot for your helpful comment!

I went ahead and added some paragraphs and also indented them, so I hope the story is now easier to read.
Also, I knew about how you should avoid mentioning the weather in the first sentence, but I figured it would be maybe a bit different in this case, since it's neither a "nice and sunny day" nor a "dark and stormy night", but if that is still a sign of a bad writing style, I will maybe change it if I can find a different beginning.
I also tried really hard to avoid repetition, but apparently my vocabulary wasn't big enough to find different words every time. Could you please as well point out my grammar mistakes, so I can learn from then and do better next time? I have no problem with you being a proofreader, in fact I think it would be of much help and I greatly appreciate your support.

And yes, when I set out to write this story, I wanted to try writing something original. Thanks for the positive feedback on the idea. I also had a lot of human-centered story ideas, but I thought these were a bit overused, so I decided against them. Another good thing about this premise is that it leaves me a great deal of freedom - I can add a lot of interesting topics and themes in it, as the storyline and especiall the ending aren't carved in stone from the beginning.

[cxzyzx]

1764636

I'll do that draft up for you in a google doc when I can- bit busy today, but I'll have the original text and then all of the corrections highlighted so that it's easy to see what's been changed.

[Feurisson]

1767750 Thanks.