These are all nothing but suggestions. I have never claimed to be the smartest person out there or anything similar, so excuse me if I offer bad advice.
When she entered inside, she was immediately greeted by a puff of smoke and a stench of whiskey. Her nose wrinkled in repugnance and she fanned away the smell, but it immediately got worse when she reached the center stage. Ponies, dragons, and cats danced around their stripper poles donning nothing but thinly-veiled lingerie; for others, it was their good old-fashioned birthday suits. Looking away in revulsion, she huffed and scanned the crowd for the crime boss. She finally located him after a moment, but in full honesty, she wished she hadn't. Examining him from head to toe, he was a filthy-looking fellow who really scraped the bottom of the barrel and left nothing but crumbs for the needy people. He was a sharp-dressed mole, but instead of the finest fabrics in Equestria, it was basically garbage chic for dummies. The top hat, red suit jacket, and brown bowtie were arguably the worst offenders in this regard. Judging by the way he leered at the female performers with risqué insults, his personality was definitely not evocative of a Prince Charming. In her right mind, he was the epitome of a self-satisfied slob.
There is a bit of a continuity problem here. One moment this unnamed dragon character is saying that the last pony she’d heard of in these parts came around 20 years ago, the next there are ponies inside the dragon’s workplace.
Resting outside, the young dragon's head quickly shot up from the palm of her hand and turned toward the dreaded establishment, which found itself being vacated as fat as possible. Standing up from her spot, she slowly approached the brothel as the occupants screamed in horror, only stopping when she spotted Twilight exited with a face that literally screamed bloody murder.
"... No reason." Twilight then turned tail to leave before the dragon called out to her. "Wait! Where are you going now?"
"So...why not make a name for yourself like Verko did before you?" Twilight opened her mouth to counteract that statement made, but stopped herself when she realized that she was still out in the open. Glancing around to find everypony distracted by the game of headless hoofball, she speedwalked back to the young dragon and pulled her into a nearby alleyway. She then pulled off her hood and revealed herself.
You see, after “triple dots” you want to leave a space. Sometimes you’re doing this, sometimes not. That statement made, but. Speed-walked.
"So, lemme get this straight: A shapeshifter was trying to impersonate your about-to-be sister-in-law in order to take over Canterlot and eventually Equestria, but you were able to see through the ruse based on a childhood song you both used to sing together. Then, when you tried to warn the Princesses about this, they brushed it off as pre-wedding jitters and banned you from said wedding. And then, when you tried to defend yourself from the imposter, the Royal Guard was at the wrong place at the wrong place. And finally …when the Royal Family caught wind of this, they exiled you from the kingdom with the threat of murder?" The dragon cringed as she visualized the amount of turmoil Twilight was put through. "Wow. I can forget about that autograph now..."
Hold on, initially based.
The Forgotten and Exiled is one of my favorite stories on FimFiction. Seeing another fan of the story making something inspired by it is nice. However, just like every other author, you have a few points-of-concern throughout the chapter. The use of punctuation, the structure of your sentences, and only two misspellings throughout the entire chapter (from what I found) make this a very neat kick-start. I will be tracking this story to make sure I don’t forget about it. I’ll check in next month to see if chapter 2 is complete, but I know how writing is difficult for everyone, even award-winning authors, so I will totally support you if you have to cancel it. I would suggest getting Grammarly. Take it from me; there is a version that is completely free.
9357304 Ah! I see now. I was half asleep and recovering from the flu when writing, and I may have gotten ahead of myself. I apologize. Thank you for pointing out these grammar mistakes and continuity errors. I will make sure to properly edit this chapter.
Hmmmm……
You have my attention.
I will be watching
Nice.
It's a good story so far, you should probably not wirte it all in lilac though...
9357194
Do you mean italic?
I purposely wrote it that way to emphasize a series of flashbacks. It will lessen once we arrive at the present.
These are all nothing but suggestions. I have never claimed to be the smartest person out there or anything similar, so excuse me if I offer bad advice.
There is a bit of a continuity problem here. One moment this unnamed dragon character is saying that the last pony she’d heard of in these parts came around 20 years ago, the next there are ponies inside the dragon’s workplace.
You see, after “triple dots” you want to leave a space. Sometimes you’re doing this, sometimes not.
That statement
made, but.Speed-walked.
Hold on, initially based.
The Forgotten and Exiled is one of my favorite stories on FimFiction. Seeing another fan of the story making something inspired by it is nice. However, just like every other author, you have a few points-of-concern throughout the chapter. The use of punctuation, the structure of your sentences, and only two misspellings throughout the entire chapter (from what I found) make this a very neat kick-start. I will be tracking this story to make sure I don’t forget about it. I’ll check in next month to see if chapter 2 is complete, but I know how writing is difficult for everyone, even award-winning authors, so I will totally support you if you have to cancel it.
I would suggest getting Grammarly. Take it from me; there is a version that is completely free.
9357304
Ah! I see now. I was half asleep and recovering from the flu when writing, and I may have gotten ahead of myself. I apologize. Thank you for pointing out these grammar mistakes and continuity errors. I will make sure to properly edit this chapter.
You have my interest
You have my interest.
Well, this is a very interesting story, I can’t wait to see more!
9357449
Hello, I am chazkopa and I am impressed of your story, Exiles. I need to ask you about when the next chapter going to be.
9359070
Soon...
Evil laugh