Hum. I don't want to say your story is really bad or you do anything horribly wrong, but, truth be told, you don't exceed either.
What desperately needs fixing is the paragraphing. Just scratch those superfluous Enter hits and reduce them to breaks between paragraphs, FIMFiction will make breaks for you automatically, heavily increasing readability. There are some minor punctuation issues, correcting those should be easy once you bring everything that belongs so onto one line.
I don't know, but it feels like Scootaloo is acting like she's younger than she actually is, and heavily overreacting at the same time. She's a schoolfilly, not a baby, she has some rational sense! Rainbow Dash's characterisation is fine, though.
Another issue is that your English is rather simple. Again, look it over a bit and try to replace words you're using too often with synonyms or alternative phrases. While we're at the topic of repetition, sometimes you repeat a point that has already been brought across the first time around perfectly fine.
Judging by everything combined, I'd assume you are not born in an English country, but honestly, that's no excuse. English is technically my fourth language, even fifth if you count the bit of French I know. Just work on it and you'll be able to improve. This is your second fiction, so don't worry, practice makes perfect.
1029438 I found that rather offensive. You just assume I'm not born in an English place? I was born in Ireland, I admit I'm not the best with grammar, but I tried my hardest. Scootaloo is suppose to overreact. The whole point is to make her look obsessed with Rainbow Dash. I think she acts just fine for her age, she is a little girl after all. Not an adult like Rainbow Dash. Kids get jealous all the time it's very natural. I'm just showing what can happen with obsession. I appreciated the advice, but some of it was very offensive. We're not all amazing writers who know five different languages. But have a great day none the less. Thanks for the advice. The whole point is obsession just remember that.
The formatting wasn't that hot, and the story would be better if you gave the reaction more time to build. Over the course of two rejections isn't really believable. I know it's supposed to be an over reaction, but it would be just as much of an over reaction if it happened over the course of a month, with periods of loving Dash again in between.
1029586 I didn't wanna drag it out. I probably should off, but I was afraid of boring people with details. I thought this would roughly get the job done at least. My bad.
1029907 That's not a problem everyone has their own interests. 1030015 I will don't you worry about that. 1029960 You would like to help? If you wanna talk more just PM me.
1029489 Yeah, I admit. And please don't take offense, it's just that many authors aren't born in English countries, so I've come to expect that. My English isn't perfect either. Scootaloo intentionally overreacting is fine, but it just felt like she overreacted a bit too hard. If Dash lost her patience with her and got rude or something, I could understand, but she just calmly explains the situation. I guess that's a matter of opinion exactly how young Scoots is. I always imagine her to be the equivalent of maybe a ten years old, perhaps that's a bit too much.
1034085 I guess what age people think she is does affect it. Even in the show they never give her age out. Dash did lose her patients that's why she started getting angry and shouting at her to get home. Then again it's all a matter of opinion I guess.
1037603 I'm so glad you did! Heads up. I'm actually re-writing the first chapter right now to make it better. I hope you fall in love with it even more.
Hum. I don't want to say your story is really bad or you do anything horribly wrong, but, truth be told, you don't exceed either.
What desperately needs fixing is the paragraphing. Just scratch those superfluous Enter hits and reduce them to breaks between paragraphs, FIMFiction will make breaks for you automatically, heavily increasing readability. There are some minor punctuation issues, correcting those should be easy once you bring everything that belongs so onto one line.
I don't know, but it feels like Scootaloo is acting like she's younger than she actually is, and heavily overreacting at the same time. She's a schoolfilly, not a baby, she has some rational sense! Rainbow Dash's characterisation is fine, though.
Another issue is that your English is rather simple. Again, look it over a bit and try to replace words you're using too often with synonyms or alternative phrases. While we're at the topic of repetition, sometimes you repeat a point that has already been brought across the first time around perfectly fine.
Judging by everything combined, I'd assume you are not born in an English country, but honestly, that's no excuse. English is technically my fourth language, even fifth if you count the bit of French I know. Just work on it and you'll be able to improve. This is your second fiction, so don't worry, practice makes perfect.
Ooooooooooh! Pleas do moar!
1029438 Regarding the line breaks, I did the formatting check on google docs, so I didn't see it then Good job with the story so far psi
1029438
I found that rather offensive. You just assume I'm not born in an English place?
I was born in Ireland, I admit I'm not the best with grammar, but I tried my hardest.
Scootaloo is suppose to overreact. The whole point is to make her look obsessed with Rainbow Dash.
I think she acts just fine for her age, she is a little girl after all. Not an adult like Rainbow Dash.
Kids get jealous all the time it's very natural. I'm just showing what can happen with obsession.
I appreciated the advice, but some of it was very offensive. We're not all amazing writers who know five different languages.
But have a great day none the less. Thanks for the advice.
The whole point is obsession just remember that.
1029504
Not sure what that means...
Is that good or bad?
1029446 Don't worry I will.
The formatting wasn't that hot, and the story would be better if you gave the reaction more time to build. Over the course of two rejections isn't really believable. I know it's supposed to be an over reaction, but it would be just as much of an over reaction if it happened over the course of a month, with periods of loving Dash again in between.
1029570
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
1029586
I didn't wanna drag it out.
I probably should off, but I was afraid of boring people with details.
I thought this would roughly get the job done at least.
My bad.
I'm out before things get real.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5xmkaccC71r03okc.gif
But Not bad.
1029570 not bad but not good, Im just not gonna fav it thats all, doesnt spark my personal interest
I am intrigued, but this needs some serious editing.
I wonder who can help you with that . . .
static6.depositphotos.com/1003625/592/i/450/dep_5927192-Look-here.jpg
I like. Update please.
Ironic emote.
1029907
That's not a problem everyone has their own interests.
1030015
I will don't you worry about that.
1029960
You would like to help?
If you wanna talk more just PM me.
marcamos.com/ha/this-is-gonna-be-good.gif
1030485
You just made my day.
this is great so far keep me posted its a great story so far and i cant wait to see more
1033819
I promise I will.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
1033852 also am enjoying you cutie mark fanfic you first one really good i cried i really fucking cried you going places
1029489 Yeah, I admit. And please don't take offense, it's just that many authors aren't born in English countries, so I've come to expect that. My English isn't perfect either.
Scootaloo intentionally overreacting is fine, but it just felt like she overreacted a bit too hard. If Dash lost her patience with her and got rude or something, I could understand, but she just calmly explains the situation. I guess that's a matter of opinion exactly how young Scoots is. I always imagine her to be the equivalent of maybe a ten years old, perhaps that's a bit too much.
1034085
I guess what age people think she is does affect it.
Even in the show they never give her age out.
Dash did lose her patients that's why she started getting angry and shouting at her to get home.
Then again it's all a matter of opinion I guess.
I really LOVED it! Can't wait for more!!
mediablogues.be/wp-content/themes/twentyeleven/mlp-fim-rainbow-dash-rule-34-i10.png
1037603
I'm so glad you did!
Heads up. I'm actually re-writing the first chapter right now to make it better.
I hope you fall in love with it even more.