Interesting story plot however I have one complaint, your kinda dumping everything at once on us that I won’t lie I started to skim over with this chapter if ya could slow it down just a bit it’s be appreciative don’t get me wrong it’s a good and interesting story just a bit in your face split second scenes. Other then that keep up the awesome work and I await more.
Now, where to start? That is always a hard one. I have a few thoughts, but one can be skipped as its more personal.
I like the story so far, but we aren't given exactly a full on reason why they see Jynx at first as a threat. Perhaps in your re-writing, please give us a pov of Twilight abd her friends? If you want to put them as speciesist, then add in the depth of why. We've only seen Jynx's pov and from where we, the readers stand, he was attacked without provocation.
Slapping the term racist/speciesist and not giving a full clear reason other than how they look down on other species gives the who and the what, but not why. Let's take an example here.
What does Jynx represent here? Several things come to mind when thinking on it; Turmoil Change, Oddness and something new, But that leaves a problem. At this point Twilight is an Alicorn. She should've had multiple experiences with other species already. Dragons, Gryphons to an extent, Bisons and Diamond dogs. Now explain how they are different to a nine foot kitsune. Add comparisons here to previous experiences. Because in the future she will meet Kirins, Abyssians and Hyppogriffs and have a hand in possibly bringing more stability if not joy to the Gryphon kingdom. Actually an idea to throw into the mix, Jynx could throw in a lot of change for the better in the Gryphon kingdom and honestly should not for long term needs, not put too firm roots in the Everfree. The everfree is a good stop to have when needed, but he will also need to find pearls in other places. At least that is my guess.
Also add a pov from Luna's perspective and Celestia's. Why did Luna bristle at the fact that Jynx would bring change? Is it due to him being then similar to Discord, who is another agent of change? Chaos is change after all and order stability. Has the ponies put in too much order with how they like things? More then likely yes, as they've clearly put a strangle hold onto nature. We should also assume from Jynx's perspective that the ponies are unreliable narrators to the truth of things.
I know this is your tale to tell, but I want to help, so I can't help without some possible heavy criticism and my thoughts. Now onwards, as I have more to say.
The incorporation of Dinky and Ditsy Doo will prove to be interesting as it will definitely effect on how the townspeople view Jynx. Again, unreliable narrators to their own perspective. They will see what they want to see. Add in the fact that Fluttershy while I can forgive before as she acted out in anger, will still have a usual knowledge on animals. While her stare did not act on Jynx as hes a god, (at least that is my only reasoning on why it wouldn't work. Further to add in?) it shouldn't discount on her usual kindness towards others in general, especially her connection to animals. Add in the Diamond Dog. While she might be wary of them, she's been known to be wary of animals like the Manticore and such, she will still go out of her way to help. Something to further investigate.
Now on the necromantic revival of a Manticore, I will only say this. Its a good premise, but be wary of not over extending yourself. Might be a good idea to shelve that for later. Not forget it, or remove it, but later. Focus on what you can first. The sisters are enough of a threat for now even if we don't know yet of the why they want Jynx. So just keep that in mind. I say this as someone who's been writing for over a decade and been reading plenty to get ideas. Stuff like this is best done in arcs. A prelude for later and then come swiping in when its either not expected or at an inopportune time. At least from what I've seen.
Now, hm. Further thoughts here. So far we have seen that Jynx has a necessary goal, that's good. For now, get his stones to get stronger, find out a lot about the why the ponies are so dead set to get him and what that means, and bring in change to the world along the way.
These are his goals, are things he needs to keep a lookout on. This is all good and dandy, but then don't forget on how can he get all of this done? Allies and subjects. If Jynx read up the history of what he can get, he'd know the Idol that the Gryphons held in high esteem. That is something he can definitely use to his advantage if he gets a hold of it. He might be crowned a new king, he might not, he might show hes got balls brass enough to be worth following. Then add in the diamond dogs. You've shown that hunters keep them enslaved, now what about luring in dens and packs? What about freeing them to see if they're willing to take him as an Alpha? Worth considering.
Oh and before I forget. Spike. Don't forget Spike as he wasn't seen here. He should've been in the library or been seen at least in remnants (His basket!) explain that when Jynx goes to copy a few more books. We know that Spike would never willingly leave Twilight either.
You are rushing a lot, so one advice i can give is, slow down. Just take a breath and slow down. Add in these details, think on them, ask yourself if you've forgotten something. I'm not going to demand that you add in every canon detail, but just ask you to remember the important details.
your back? yes!
Wouldn't it make more sense to give the kitsune a Japanese name?
I thought the story was dead I'm glad that I'm wrong
thank you for continuing the story.
Interesting story plot however I have one complaint, your kinda dumping everything at once on us that I won’t lie I started to skim over with this chapter if ya could slow it down just a bit it’s be appreciative don’t get me wrong it’s a good and interesting story just a bit in your face split second scenes. Other then that keep up the awesome work and I await more.
I'm happy you're back
SHOT
11170814
Oh my, thank you for pointing that out lol.
11170814
11170958
NP.
Im glad the story is back! I do love this story and it was a pleasant surprise to see another chapter after so long.
Just read this story and hope to see more and I am enjoying reading it!
New chapter? Nice!
Hope your Laptop dont brake down an other time, so we dont have to wait nearly 3 years for an other chapter
Still as amusing as the firstborn time.i read it
That sounds like an admittedly accurate descriptor of twilight at this point.
nice
More please, 😸
Okay, so. Putting my thoughts here for later.
Now, where to start? That is always a hard one. I have a few thoughts, but one can be skipped as its more personal.
I like the story so far, but we aren't given exactly a full on reason why they see Jynx at first as a threat. Perhaps in your re-writing, please give us a pov of Twilight abd her friends? If you want to put them as speciesist, then add in the depth of why. We've only seen Jynx's pov and from where we, the readers stand, he was attacked without provocation.
Slapping the term racist/speciesist and not giving a full clear reason other than how they look down on other species gives the who and the what, but not why.
Let's take an example here.
What does Jynx represent here?
Several things come to mind when thinking on it;
Turmoil
Change,
Oddness and something new,
But that leaves a problem. At this point Twilight is an Alicorn. She should've had multiple experiences with other species already. Dragons, Gryphons to an extent, Bisons and Diamond dogs. Now explain how they are different to a nine foot kitsune. Add comparisons here to previous experiences.
Because in the future she will meet Kirins, Abyssians and Hyppogriffs and have a hand in possibly bringing more stability if not joy to the Gryphon kingdom.
Actually an idea to throw into the mix, Jynx could throw in a lot of change for the better in the Gryphon kingdom and honestly should not for long term needs, not put too firm roots in the Everfree. The everfree is a good stop to have when needed, but he will also need to find pearls in other places. At least that is my guess.
Also add a pov from Luna's perspective and Celestia's.
Why did Luna bristle at the fact that Jynx would bring change? Is it due to him being then similar to Discord, who is another agent of change? Chaos is change after all and order stability. Has the ponies put in too much order with how they like things? More then likely yes, as they've clearly put a strangle hold onto nature.
We should also assume from Jynx's perspective that the ponies are unreliable narrators to the truth of things.
I know this is your tale to tell, but I want to help, so I can't help without some possible heavy criticism and my thoughts.
Now onwards, as I have more to say.
The incorporation of Dinky and Ditsy Doo will prove to be interesting as it will definitely effect on how the townspeople view Jynx. Again, unreliable narrators to their own perspective. They will see what they want to see.
Add in the fact that Fluttershy while I can forgive before as she acted out in anger, will still have a usual knowledge on animals. While her stare did not act on Jynx as hes a god, (at least that is my only reasoning on why it wouldn't work. Further to add in?) it shouldn't discount on her usual kindness towards others in general, especially her connection to animals.
Add in the Diamond Dog. While she might be wary of them, she's been known to be wary of animals like the Manticore and such, she will still go out of her way to help. Something to further investigate.
Now on the necromantic revival of a Manticore, I will only say this. Its a good premise, but be wary of not over extending yourself.
Might be a good idea to shelve that for later. Not forget it, or remove it, but later. Focus on what you can first. The sisters are enough of a threat for now even if we don't know yet of the why they want Jynx. So just keep that in mind. I say this as someone who's been writing for over a decade and been reading plenty to get ideas. Stuff like this is best done in arcs. A prelude for later and then come swiping in when its either not expected or at an inopportune time. At least from what I've seen.
Now, hm. Further thoughts here.
So far we have seen that Jynx has a necessary goal, that's good. For now, get his stones to get stronger, find out a lot about the why the ponies are so dead set to get him and what that means, and bring in change to the world along the way.
These are his goals, are things he needs to keep a lookout on. This is all good and dandy, but then don't forget on how can he get all of this done? Allies and subjects.
If Jynx read up the history of what he can get, he'd know the Idol that the Gryphons held in high esteem. That is something he can definitely use to his advantage if he gets a hold of it.
He might be crowned a new king, he might not, he might show hes got balls brass enough to be worth following. Then add in the diamond dogs. You've shown that hunters keep them enslaved, now what about luring in dens and packs? What about freeing them to see if they're willing to take him as an Alpha? Worth considering.
Oh and before I forget. Spike. Don't forget Spike as he wasn't seen here. He should've been in the library or been seen at least in remnants (His basket!) explain that when Jynx goes to copy a few more books. We know that Spike would never willingly leave Twilight either.
You are rushing a lot, so one advice i can give is, slow down. Just take a breath and slow down.
Add in these details, think on them, ask yourself if you've forgotten something. I'm not going to demand that you add in every canon detail, but just ask you to remember the important details.
I think that is everything. At least so far.
That long-winded explanation about orb, cut that to no moer than half of length in the rewrite. It hurt the story flow.