Aurick watched as Cadence approached two of the guards that were patrolling the streets a slight frown on his face. She hadn’t listened to him. Not that he was surprised. He could see it in her eyes as he had spoke with her. She was already set on her path, he would not be able to change it.
Not that he particularly cared. He didn’t have to escort her. the only reason he traveled so far with her was because they were simply heading to the nearest location. Now that he was in Fillydelphia, he could get on one of those train things, and return to Canterlot swiftly.
Turning away from the sight of the princess, he walked off towards the direction of the train tracks. He had seen them on their way into the city, having noted their location for just such a purpose.
None of the rescued prisoners followed him, choosing to stick close to their princess. The only one who followed was Ashwyn and, surprisingly, Carina. Though the changeling had a quick word with Cadence before following.
The bug had disguised himself before they had entered the city. Choosing to don the appearance of a yellow unicorn with a short cropped orange mane. He didn’t pay the changeling any mind as he continued his trek.
The ponies of Fillydelphia reacted similarly to Ponyville’s residents when he first moved there. Many moving out of his way, fear and uncertainty in their eyes. Though a couple seemed to recognize him in some form. No doubt the stories of the strange enchanter and his mutated girlfriend had traveled.
The guards seemed well enough informed to not stop him in the street, giving him small nods as he passed. Because of this, the trip to the train station was a swift one.
It wasn’t nearly as impressive as Canterlot’s, though not as bare bones as Ponyville’s. It seemed to serve its purpose, and though some effort was put into beautifying it, there wasn’t much heart placed in the work.
He was quick to find the ticket booth. The pony manning the booth looked tired, being caught in the middle of a yawn as Aurick approached. Not that the elf could blame him as night was almost upon them. That didn’t change the fact that his eyes went as wide as saucers when he noticed the elf standing before him.
“Uhhhh…” The stallion let out, his mouth agape as he was faced with what was no doubt a strange creature to him.
“I need tickets to Canterlot.” Aurick told him firmly. The pony merely nodded, scrambling to acquire three of what he desired. “When shall the train arrive?” Aurick continued to question the poor pony as he pulled out a small sack of coins, paying for the tickets.
“Sh-should arrive around noon tomorrow.” He nervously replied, shaking slightly. “B-beds are supplied in a separate cart.” From Aurick’s perspective, it looked as though a gentle breeze could knock him over, but he didn’t pay it much attention.
Having acquired the tickets and the information he needed, his business there was finished. Walking away, the elf made his way towards the train. It was only a short time later, that Aurick sat within the train. Where all he could do was wait.
And try not to let his thoughts consume him.
~-~
Ashwyn was silent as she leaned against the Alpha’s tense form. He seemed to relax slightly at her touch, but not by much. An arm wrapped around her withers, pulling her close as he stared off into space.
The train car was mostly empty, the ponies that were in it before having moved to seperate cars. They didn’t seem comfortable being so close to the Alpha, so they were left with themselves, Carina, and a couple nervous ponies at the edges of the car.
The conductor had come through to inspect the car before departure. He seemed nonplussed by the Alpha’s appearance, and informed them that the train would be heading out in five minutes.
Once the conductor had moved on, silence returned to them. Thicker than any syrup, Ashwyn couldn’t help but feeling a little anxious.
The Alpha’s current state was distressing, to say the least. She had managed to rescue him, and now they were together again, but at the same time… the Alpha was distant. They had barely spoken to each other since he emerged from that pod. In fact, the Alpha hadn’t really said much at all.
He wore this false mask of calm, but Ashwyn knew better. She had lived with the Alpha long enough, studied his face enough times to gauge his emotions. She could tell when he was hiding something, and the look in his eyes was enough to inform her what was probably happening.
Carina had said the pods made you remember the time you most felt love. Ashwyn would have liked to believe it had involved her, but she knew better. The Alpha likely had someone before her. Someone he cared for deeply. Whether they were seperated by his transfer to this world, or something else, she couldn’t know. What she did know, however, was that he was shaken up about it.
She wanted to be there for him. To comfort him, and hold him, and tell him everything would be alright. Like he had done for her. She just… didn’t know how. She didn’t want to say the wrong things. To say something that could hurt him more, but… she knew she couldn’t just sit there and do nothing either.
This conflict was what consumed the time before the train departed. Only broken from her thoughts by the heavy sound of hoof falls as someone rushed into the car.
Panting, the pony that had so swiftly entered, was Princess Cadence. Ashwyn couldn’t help but raise a brow at the sudden appearance of the princess, who swiftly wiped her brow.
“Almost didn’t make it.” Ashwyn heard her whisper to herself before she sat down on one of the many seats. As she did so, the doors of the train slid shut, firmly locking out any late passengers.
It was only moments later that the train lurched forwards, beginning the long wait until they arrived in Canterlot.
~-~
Cadence couldn’t help but frown as she watched the land outside the window slip past. She would have remained in such a state, if someone hadn’t tapped upon her shoulder.
Turning in her seat, she found Carina had been the one to do so. A little surprised, she looked up to find that Aurick and Ashwyn were seated nearby as well. She had assumed they had gotten on the train, but didn’t realize she had entered the same car.
A nice coincidence.
“Where are the guards?” Carina asked, his brow furrowed.
His question served to deepen the frown on the princess’ face. “They are not coming.” She stated. She wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Ashwyn’s ear turned in their direction, nor the rolling of Aurick’s eyes.
“N-not coming!?” Carina gasped. “B-but, you’re their princess, right? Shouldn’t they listen to you?”
“Seemingly not.” Cadence huffed, crossing her forelegs as she did. “They claimed that I couldn’t just gather a contingent of guards and bring them to Canterlot. Not without solid proof that something was happening.”
“I told you.” Aurick told her from across the car. She chose to ignore him.
“At least they are taking care of the people we rescued.” Cadence continued with a sigh.
“Good.” Carina confirmed, nodding his head, before the pair faded into silence.
The only sound being that of the train’s movement as they moved towards their destination.
The chapter does read pretty damn fast and feels smaller than normal because of it. Not much progress was made so it doesn't feel like anything really happened either. I mean there's so much more detail to it but the whole chapter could be summed up in a sentence. He, broodingly, got on a train to canterlot with Ash, Cadence, and Carina, and ponies are still xenophobes, even in the big city.
You are being hard on yourself. Progress, though small, was made. You could have taken the perspective of Cadence and gone over the whole scene of talking to the guards, but that's just fluff in the end because the brief exposition on it was all that was needed and didn't shift perspective. Something I feel a lot of stories suffer from. Massive bloat from too many perspectives when some brief exposition could convey it all just fine. I'd like to see more content in a chapter but I ain't gonna fight for it, I'll be happy and take what I can get.
You also do a damn good job breathing life and emotion into your characters. This is a big part of making exposition acceptable. Telling a story with the body language of a character is as important as the dialog they spout. You do a good job with this.
Don't worry about the chapter, sometimes the story needs chapters where "nothing" happens, when they're short.
Poor Ashwyn, she hasn't got the experience to know that sometimes all you can do is be there for who you care, even when you want to do so much more
It is a decent bridge chapter. It's helping set up the next big swell of the story. It covers how people are handling the progression of time, the approach and coming of the big encounter.
In my humble and probably wrong opinion there are two main reasons you are dissatisfied with this chapter. One is the reason that Keiger brought up. The second is because you connected with Aurick. You write the emotions of characters really well and as a result I would not be surprised if you are sympathizing with him. Aurick currently is a guy with a sniper rifle aimed and loaded. All that's left is to get a line of sight on his target and pull the trigger. You can probably guess who he wants to 'shoot'. Once he does shoot and the bullet meets its mark I think you might feel a bit better.
It feels like exactly what it is, an intermediary chapter where the characters are moving into position and the obvious things are tried to avoid plot holes in the future. Is it the most exciting chapter in the story? Nope, but it doesn't have to be. You're being too hard on yourself on this one. :)
In my opinion the chapter isn't bad, It's just short... Like, A commercial break
Your going from action (The invasion/Rescue) to a short lul, then back to action (revenge) unless the next chapter is conversations during the train ride, I assume the chapter 64 will start with the train arriving at canterlot station.
But again, It's not a bad chapter.
She has literally a bunch of scared, traumatized ponies with her who can all vouch for it. Even if she is a new princess, the guards should react somewhat to it, in my opinion. Otherwise a bit of short, rather pointless filler, that could have been described in three paragraphs. But not a horrible chapter. Just a little advice, the Canterlot invasion thing was a bit of a high tension point and such slogging chapters kinda clash with the feeling of urgency.
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Even without witness, SHE IS THE RULER OF EQUESTRIA AND THEIR COMMANDING OFFICER. The 'GUARDS' are not the 'ARMY'. The Army usually has a chain of command, so the President can't just order a private or sargent around behind everyone's back. But the Guards work DIRECTLY for the Princesses. They are the TOP of the Guard's chain of command. They HAVE to obey a Princess's Orders without question, or it's Treason against the Crown and they get executed, or since it's MLP, just a mild talking down, maybe banishment.
No, instead there should have been a more believable excuse. Such as with the Threat made against Canterlot, all the Guards in each city were ordered by Celestia, or Luna or even Both, to stay there and guard their own city incase the threat was a lie and they attack somewhere else, or worse that the city DOES fall and need a backup plan with reserve guards to rush in from all other cities to attack the invaders from all sides.
Anything better than 'We don't believe you, peasent. Go back to working for your master.'
Well. I will simply second the opinion of all who posted before me.
I’m not an editor but I found it enjoyable
Just wished it was longer , take that has a complement
You listen here and you listen good. You are not bad. You are too hard on yourself for what ever reason. But I look forward to every fucking chapter. And I feel a great sadness when it's over. Cause that means I have to wait. Keep writing but don't be unhappy about it.
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I second this. Don't be hard on yourself, silly!
I like being honest in the comment section. So imma tell you how it is. These past 3 chapter seem dissatisfying to you because they’re transitioning sections. In music, we are judged for how good our transitions are, not the rest of the peice. These transitions suck in comparison to the rest of your work so far. This idea is an over used one, yes. But the way you portrayed it is what made it interesting. The dialogue and the character portrayal is what keeps people going when it comes to stories like this.
You’re being hard on yourself because their has been a lack of flow caused by a lack of back and forth banter between any two characters. This could’ve been just a more serious section of the story and by having Mr. Protagonist over here be so silent, it makes the story tense. You know how the in the season finale of season two where Chysilis and Cadance go back and forth with their singing? If it was written like that, it might have been easier to have it flow. You have Aurick trying to get to Chysilis and Chysilis thinking either she won or needs to prepare for his arival/marriage of shining armor.
Alll in all however, this is YOUR story and anyway you write it WILL be the correct way. I cannot tell you you are a bad writer because you’re not. I wouldn’t be making this dumb review if I didn’t think so. I can only give criticism; good or bad? I don’t know. I do know that I want you to do a good job in your work and be proud of that work.
Looking forward to what you do,
Just a fan
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I don't deny that comment was made purely tongue-in-cheek.
Seldom do I post mainly due to working my buns off however. I just binged your entire story in about 5 hours roughly and I have to say I enjoyed what I read and look forward to more. As for your feeling of thr chapter like many people say travel is usually the worst part of a story because you are going from plot points. I like what you did and in this day of travel is you got Ash or Cadence to convince him to open up a bit it could lead to massive character building and also maybe help push that final push for Aurick to get past the disgust phase. Just an idea but I have greatly enjoyed the story so far.
Totally different note since this is based on the D&D universe and he is a wizard essentially I would love to see him use Bigby's fists. My favorite spell to use especially when it's double casted due to other spells so you can fist four opponents at once lol. I would find great joy in seeing that spell used.
Anyways to close up my word vomit, looking forward to more story and can't wait to read it. If you need someone to nerd out with for fun ideas in the D&D universe side of things I will more then happily be that nerd lol.
nonplussed means confused. You probably meant unfazed. It's a common misuse.
It’s always a bit weird with travel, but you did good with it!
I'm just waiting for Aurick to snap. I like Aurick and wish they could live in peace but I'd be lying if I said the thought of a usually stoic and happy charcter wrecking thier enemy's shit didn't make me happy :P
Awesome story by the way, been reading it the past few days. While I'm usually not a fan of stories with short chapters this has been a really engaging story, the characters in particular are great we've gotten some well done charcter development.
Finally caught up, and holy throne are things coming to a head!
Because a flock of refugees rescued from durance podly in a monster's lair doesn't count as proof that something is happening.