Once Twilight has her mind on something, nothing can keep her from it. How unfortunate for Timber that, unknown to him, Twilight has a crush on his sister.
While a little lacking a few times, I have to admit that I really liked this one. I can't stand futa-on-male, so reading a story where what little plot there is avoids it is a bonus for me.
9140960 I'm not entirely sure. I mean, it's all there I suppose. It feels like it's the "show, not tell" issue, maybe. I haven't studied literature in any way other than what little was taught in primary school, so I can only say that I feel like it was a little lacking a few times.
I have read like, a lot of fan-fiction, and some books, and I used to write stories myself once upon a time, so really, I mostly have what experience has taught me.
9142813 ok, I feel you I'm about the same and started writing these to experiment with different writing styles so i'll try to continue changing the way I do things until something sticks thanks for the feedback brother
“I was just about to hop in the shower, but you c- oh, it’s already locked. You can wait in here if you like, or, well do whatever really.”
“Oh? You uh… don’t want to make a little coffee first?” Gloriosa stopped a for a moment, glancing back at Twilight.
“You know, that actually sounds perfect right now. I guess I don't need to jump straight into the shower if I’m hanging out with you, I’m not really planning to go anywhere, today.” She laughed softly and walked toward the kitchen.
Your dialogue is, like, super-annoying to read because of stuff like that part I underlined--if you have Gloriosa do a thing right after dialogue, my assumption is that she's the one who's speaking, which I don't think was the case here, and the context makes that kinda clear, but it's just so much more confusing than it needs to be. Dialogue tags are your very best friend/cuddlebuddy when you wanna do stuff like that.
While a little lacking a few times, I have to admit that I really liked this one. I can't stand futa-on-male, so reading a story where what little plot there is avoids it is a bonus for me.
9140950
I'm glad you enjoyed it
what kind of things did you find lacking?
future chapters are coming so I'd love to hear some feedback
Pretty nice, would love to see more. Twiriosa is way better than Twimber anyway
9141579
thanks
I have a few more chapters planned.
9140960
I'm not entirely sure. I mean, it's all there I suppose. It feels like it's the "show, not tell" issue, maybe. I haven't studied literature in any way other than what little was taught in primary school, so I can only say that I feel like it was a little lacking a few times.
I have read like, a lot of fan-fiction, and some books, and I used to write stories myself once upon a time, so really, I mostly have what experience has taught me.
9142813
ok, I feel you I'm about the same
and started writing these to experiment with different writing styles
so i'll try to continue changing the way I do things until something sticks
thanks for the feedback brother
Twilight's going to tease her until she caves into no-turning-back pleasure.
This sounds like it could be a nice story, but.
Your dialogue is, like, super-annoying to read because of stuff like that part I underlined--if you have Gloriosa do a thing right after dialogue, my assumption is that she's the one who's speaking, which I don't think was the case here, and the context makes that kinda clear, but it's just so much more confusing than it needs to be. Dialogue tags are your very best friend/cuddlebuddy when you wanna do stuff like that.
9294813
shit, thanks for pointing that out, I'll go fix it.
I was still experimenting with how to block text when I wrote this chapter