Author's Note
I've been sort of pondering this one for awhile. There are a number of Human in Equestria and Pony in Earth fics. I decided to see if I could pull off a PiE one of my own, with Twilight Sparkle as the pony of choice.
I do hope you enjoy this offering. I don't want flames, but if you have criticism I'll gladly take it, if only to improve. If this isn't your cup of tea, then I understand. Still, thank you for taking a moment to look.
----
“Hmmm, mmm. Hmmm, mmm. Hmmmmmm... This should do it!” Satisfied Twilight set her quill aside, looking over her notes.
Twilight Sparkle smiled light as she moved over to the small area she set aside. She used five gems, enchanted with her own magic, to assist in her experimental spell. Also if anything were to go wrong they would act as an anchor, hopefully keeping her safe.
Everypony had asked at one point 'who else is out there'? Not on Equestria, but among the stars. What strange new worlds awaited to be found? What new forms of life? What magnificent civilizations? What could they teach? What could they learn? What could they find?
If her spell went off right she would open a 'window' into a new world, that she could peer out of and look at what lay beyond. Smiling she began to cast her spell, her horn glowing brightly, eyes closing with focus. After a moment a portal opened before her in the air, flat and circular.
Opening her eyes this new world came into focus. Twilight smiled, a wide grin as she peered in the magic window before her. She was gazing onto what seemed like a neighborhood, lines of houses. It was late in the day, the pony responsible for the sun now lowering it. She saw a creature, some sort of bipedal thing walk onto a grassy field surrounded by a fence behind a house. She assumed the creature owned the house, and the yard attached. It was a strange looking thing; no hooves, it was covered in cloth (Maybe it was a nobler creature than a common one?), and was fur-less save the top of it's head. Twilight was reminded of a chimpanzee that had learned to walk without using it knuckles. She imagined it was male as it looked around itself, as if contemplating. She decided that this would be her subject of study, smiling widely.
And then the window began to wobble. Gasping, she cast a small spell, trying to reconfigure the window into stabilizing. Instead the window grew wider, glowing bright before it began to turn from a flat circle into a sphere, suddenly consuming her. Before she could scream in surprise she screamed in pain. The portal turned into a blinding light before collapsing into nothingness.
“Twilight?” Spike yelled out, sleep addled but now awake from his friend's/sister's/caretaker's scream. “Twilight? TWILIGHT!?”
----
“Well, I always wanted a house...” A young man sighed, walking around in a backyard. “Just... not how I wanted to get it...”
Kyle West was, more or less, an average nineteen year old guy. Standing five feet eleven inches tall, with fair Caucasian skin, curly brown hair pulled into a shoulder length ponytail. He was fit, but not athletic, and what most would consider boyishly handsome. He held down a new job, working at a local spa and massage parlor. He was still the new guy on staff, but the pay was good and he was told he was excellent with his hands, enough that a few people asked for him by name.
He also owned a house. Not from having purchased it however.
His beloved aunt had passed on two weeks prior. He had always loved his Aunt Polly, ever since his first visit when he was eight. When his mother was on the road, working for her company, he was watched over by Polly and she, unable to bear her own children, treated him as her own. She would watch cartoons with him, no matter how silly. If he wanted to play a video game she would pick up a second controller. (And Aunt Polly was a demon at Street Fighter Four. He had told her should could not play as Ken again so he could have a fighting chance) And then his Aunt, his wonderful, special friend and caretaker was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught exceptionally late and by the time treatment began she was told in no uncertain terms that she had six months left to enjoy life.
She fought the cancer to bitter end, never surrendering. Enjoying herself, spending more and more time with him. They went to Disney Land last month, and the month before that she took him camping. He hated camping, but he wouldn't deny her.
She fought cancer for three years before she died. In her will she had left a few odd trinkets to his cousins, but he got the bulk of the inheritance. Enough money to live well without a good job for most of his life. A two story house with three bedrooms, a big game room and office. Both of her cars, a blue Volkswagen Turbo convertible and her white minivan that they drove around in on trips and journeys.
There was so much nostalgia in this house. So much love. So many memories.
So much pain and hurt at the vacancy of his Aunt.
“Aunt Polly.” He spoke softly, looking upwards. “If God exists... Say hi for me!” He said, chuckling sadly, smiling as he looked into the clouds. “And... D-don't worry. I'll be okay. I'll miss you, but... I'll be fine. You'll see...”
Sighing he shook his head, turning to go back inside right before a flash of light sounded. He turned to look.
The light was fast, bright and white and above his Aunt's (Or his rather) pool before vanishing. In it's place was a girl. A naked girl. A naked beautiful girl.
Gravity took note and pulled. The girl fell into the pool, the splash kicking up water.
“Ah shit!” He ran out, jumping into the pool. He was now glad he came out in jeans, a red t-shirt and no socks or shoes. Swimming to the girl he hooked an arm about her, glad she landed face up and didn't sink before swimming to the shallow end. It took little work to pull himself up to the side and lift the girl out. He looked her over now, frowning.
Her skin tone was a shade or two lighter than his own, but her hair was different. Mid back length and nearly black, but noticeably dark purple with a stripe of lighter purple running from tip to bang beside a dark pink stripe. She seemed to be five four to five six with large breasts, C-Cup maybe. Looking further down he saw her pubic hair, his eyes widening. Not at the erotic sight (This situation was too weird for his libido to kick in) but at the colouring.
It matched her hair exactly. Dark purple stripped with lighter purple and dark pink. Spotting her toenails he noted that they were coloured lavender, but seemed odd. Picking up her hand he looked over her fingernails, noticing they were the same colour. Rubbing his thumb over it it felt odd. It wasn't as smooth as his own nails, or his ex-girlfriend's. Looking over at the unconscious girl he thought of what to do.
A bright light suddenly flashing and depositing a naked (And now wet) girl in his backyard was beyond 'not normal'. It was so weird that you could write a novel about it.
Or a lame piece of amateur dribble online.
Right now he decided he couldn't tell anyone about it, not yet. No one would believe him, and she was so... bizarre. Her hair and nails just screamed 'alien' no matter how human she looked. Scooping his arms under her legs and back he picked her up, the girl lighter than his ex, before walking to the open back door.
He hoped she woke up soon.
After he put something on her.
----
“Ahhh...” Twilight gasped out as she began to stir awake. She felt a bed under her, groaning as she squirmed under the covers. Something was... off.
Celestia's sun poured into the room, but her eyes remained shut defiantly. She needed to remember. She had tried her portal spell and it worked. She was looking into a strange new world. And then... something went wrong.... But what? It's like something caused the portal to ripple. Hey, wait...
Part of her spell relied that High Flame the Wise's Theory of Inter-Dimensional Travel was correct (And given that he was Celestia's student before her, dying of old age six years before she was born, he had to know his stuff) that in theory any portals to another world acted as ends of a tube with the bulk of said 'tube' existing in Sub Space which was, by nature, a universe of fluid mass. In theory; nopony knew exactly what Sub Space was or if it really existed. If this was true it was possible that this fluid was in some form of motion like waves or tides... It could even be subject to some unknown weather phenomenon. If this was true then the 'tube' must have been pushed about by the 'fluid' and caused the portal to distort.
In which case a the spell she cast, which would have turned the portal into something more stable, wouldn't have worked at all because the portal was fine and working, it was just subject to the unknown pulls of Sub Space.
Actually now that she thought about it she more than likely turned something in the library into a plant or something. Maybe she even changed the colours of her shelves.
Ah, it would wear off. And if it didn't she could fix it.
At least Spike was kind enough to drag her to bed. She figured the dragon would give her a stern talking too, but for now she was happy to roll over and rest from her ordeal, lifting a hoof to scratch an itch on her hind leg.
Then something hit her past the fog; that wasn't a hoof. It was too soft and too long. Then something else was noticed; she was fur-less. Sure, her mane was still there, but it's as if someone had shaved every part of her body of fur. She swallowed down the panic, clenching her fore hooves.
Except hooves didn't clench. At all. And they didn't have... digits? Claws? Whatever she felt on the end of them. Shivering she also noticed she couldn't feel her tail. At all. Now she opened up her eyes, sitting up in an odd, but comfortable position. She lifted up her fore hooves.
There was two things with five odd blunt claw like digits that were peach coloured. Turning her head she saw a mirror on the wall.
She saw a strange creature, not unlike what she saw in the portal before but with odd pads on the chest and wearing an odd, black top that bore both fore hooves and a mane style just like her own.
It took a moment to recognize it as herself.
She screamed.
The door on the other end of the room flew open, a creature, possibly the one she viewed, barging in. He wore what seemed to be loose grey cotton pants and a shirt not unlike her own, but blue. “Are you okay Miss?”
“What happened to me?” Twilight shouted, her breaths come in short and fast, panting with panic. “What am I? What's going on? What I am doing here!? Where's my horn!? What--”
“Hey, hey, hey!” The creature, a stallion she figured, cried out grabbing her weird hooves with his own (When did he get close to her) squeezing softly. “Relax, relax! Deep breaths! Come on!'
Nodding Twilight tried to breath deeper, tried to calm herself for rational thought and bring her panic back under control. “Good, good. It's okay. I don't know what's going on, but I'll help you.” He said, his dark blue eyes looking into her own lavender orbs. “I will help you. Do you understand?” Gulping, Twilight gave a small nod. “Say it. Do you understand?”
“Y-yes...” She replied, nodding again. “Yes, I... Thank you...”
He smiled at her, warmly and reassuring. She looked back, wondering if mares of his species found him attractive.
Then a small grumble was heard from her stomach.
“I'll make breakfast.” He said, using his grip to help her up. “Then you can tell me what's going on.”
----
Kyle was certain that something was off about this girl.
Okay, he was already certain, but more so now.
First she moved oddly as she went downstairs to the kitchen, almost as if she wasn't used to walking. Then she paused, looking at the TV like she had never seen one before as the man on the screen read out the news for the day. Then there was the way she tugged at her clothing. He had taken the liberty of slipping on his late Aunt's old tank top and a pair of gym shorts on her, for lack of anything better. It was almost like she never wore anything.
He made up toast and eggs, having yet to go shopping for food but still having enough for a couple more days. He then watched as she fumbled the fork and knife repeatedly before he came over to adjust her hands himself.
He was thinking that she was an alien, but the idea was far too surreal.
Light above his pool be damned.
Once the food was done he set the dishes away, sitting across from her. “Better?”
“Much.” She said, sighing softly. “Thank you so much.”
“No worries.” He smiled softly, interlacing his fingers, the girl watching his hands as he did so. “My name is Kyle West. What's yours?”
“Ah, Twilight. Twilight Sparkle!” She said, setting a hand to her chest as she spoke.
“...You're parents must have been... Interesting.” Kyle remarked. “So can you tell me why you... appeared over my pool?”
For her part Twilight was wondering why her name was so odd. And what did the word 'Kyle' mean anyway? Clearing her throat she began. “Well I was trying to expand on a theoretical field of magic and--”
“Magic?” Kyle interrupted, blinking. “What, like hocus pocus kinda stuff?”
“Hocus pocus?” Twilight replied frowning as she thought. She couldn't use her magic, obviously, not without her horn. And it's wasn't like her body had a something as a substitute.
Then she noticed the odd claws on her fingers. Too short and too blunt to be weapons, but still... She focused, pointing to the salt shaker on the table.
The shaker was coated in a purple glow as it levitated, her host, yelping in surprise, scrambling backwards and tipping his chair backwards. She didn't expect such a violent reaction, but by how fast he got up he seemed to be unharmed. “What the hell!? What are you?”
“I am...” She began before sighing. “I used to be a unicorn.”
“You... you're saying you were a horse with a horn?”
“Pony.” Twilight corrected as Kyle set the chair back up. “So you have our species here then?”
“In mythology.” Kyle replied. “Unicorns don't exist. Or... They're not supposed to...”
“But the concept of unicorns do...” Twilight mused, rubbing her chin with her knuckles. “Interesting.... Anyway...” She lowered her hand, beginning to explain, the salt shaker moving back to the table, the glow ceasing. “I hail from Equestria. And magic is common there. More common then here, it seems... Anyway, I was testing out a theory of inter-dimensional travel to view other worlds and maybe someday go to them. But somehow... Somehow after I made the viewing portal I... Well, it went out of control. I tried a spell to fix it, but I think it may have backfired, and turned me into your species. … What do you call your species?”
“Human.” Kyle said, patting his chest. “We're humans.”
“Humans... Interesting name.” Twilight nodded once. “Anyway, I seem to have... Well, traveled here by mistake because of that portal.”
“So...” Kyle began, leaning onto the table. “How do you get home? And turn back into a... unicorn?”
“Turning back into a unicorn, since these claws--”
“Fingernails.”
“Fingernails act as my horn would, casting spells is easy enough. I can turn myself back to my normal form easy enough, and regaining a human form should be easy enough, once I work out the details...” Twilight mused, leaning on the table as well. “The returning home portion... I have some ideas but it will... take awhile...” Sighing she lowered her head. “I need to 'find' home... And then come up with a way to reinforce the portal to make sure nothing happens without me wanting it to... And make sure it's safe to travel, and that I can aim it... It'll be a lot of... work...”
“Well, how can I help?” Kyle asked, reaching out to grab her hand again.
“You...you'll help?” She said, blinking back at him.
“I shouldn't believe that your an alien horse who came here because she screwed up a spell.” He replied. “But... I do. And It wouldn't be right to kick you out when you need help. Damned if my Aunt wouldn't allow it.”
“She must be a great mare.”
“Mare?” Kyle responded, letting her hand go, thinking for a moment. “Oh, no. We don't, um, our females aren't called mares. We call them women.”
“Interesting...” Twilight mused. “And what about stallions?”
“Men.”
“I... I think I'll need to learn a lot about your people while I'm here.”
“You'll need to.” Kyle sighed. “You'll have to blend in at least. I think you should stay in the house until you have the basics down. And we get you a new name.”
“Hey! What's wrong with Twilight Sparkle? It's perfectly acceptable on Equestria!”
“Yeah, but here it makes people think of a bad romance novel with girls who screw vampires.”
“...You're not making that up.”
“I wish I was....” Kyle shook his head with a soft chuckle. “So, tell me about your world. Is it just you unicorns, or what?”
“Oh much more! Earth Ponies, Pegasus Ponies and Unicorn Ponies all live there! Also...”
----
“Mmm, this is what I needed....” Twilight let off, sighing as she stood under the water spray of the shower. It felt so relaxing to have the warm water wash over her. Sighing again she revisited her predicament.
Having had the chance to tell someone completely new about Equestria was enjoyable for her. She told him of the Princesses and their duties (Apparently the sun, moon and weather were under noponies control on Earth, an idea so foreign to her it took awhile to believe) the kinda of ponies who lived there and an idea of what life was like. He also asked what she liked to eat.
Humans, it seemed, couldn't digest daffodils. Pity, she wanted a sandwich later.
She decided that asking her host about the human body would be the first thing she had to do. Most of their post breakfast conversation was about herself, her world and her magic before she asked if she could wash up.
It also gave her the excuse to see her own body without the clothing in the way. Her head was not the only place with the strange fur, called hair, on her body, there was a small patch above her vagina, the purpose of which escaped her. Her body frame was different then her host's as well, more like an hourglass. And the lumps of flesh on her chest were large and were capped by nipples.
How odd for them to be located so far up. Then again, if their babies were held in the mother's arms it would be the right height for feeding babies.
She still missed her tail but loved her new appendages.
Hands.
Glorious, wonderful hands!
With their fingers and thumbs she had a better grip than her mouth did as a pony! Perhaps not as much as a grip of an Earth Pony, but more than most unicorns and a better grip than any hoof. And she had two of them! Attached to arms! You didn't have to shove your face into something or use magic to manipulate it! They were also extremely dextrous yet strong and with her reach it was so easy to wash herself!
She vowed to spread a 'Transform to Human' spell across Equestria when she got back if for no other reason that how useful it could be!
Once done she turned off the water and used a towel to dry her body and hair off with.
One benefit to being fur-less, less time drying.
Once done she walked out of the bathroom, deciding her next course of action would be to get a quill and scroll. Even if she couldn't contact Princess Celestia, at least not yet, that wasn't a reason to not write reports. Although in place of friendship it would be of this new world, this Earth. Finding Kyle sitting down, watching the 'television' she coughed lightly. Kyle's head turned to face her, the human taking a look before gawking. “Ah, something wrong?”
“Twi, why aren't you wearing anything!?” He asked/yelled, standing up,
“Err, ponies don't usually wear clothes...” Twilight replied, looking back down at herself. “Are... Are humans different?”
Kyle sighed as he walk up to her, turning her by the shoulders. “Yeah, humans have a bit of a nudity taboo. Mostly because of conservative religions.”
Actually Kyle was fairly sure that wasn't the only reason, but he knew most had more of a taboo than most people.
Slowly he pushed her back into a room, the one she woke up in. He went to a drawer, pulling out odd small shorts that were too thin to protect against anything, followed by a strange top with a strap and two cups, both white. “You're roughly my Aunt's size, so you should be able to wear her stuff, give or take.”
“What are these?” Twilight asked, picking the clothes up with her magic.
“Bra and panties. Underwear.” Kyle replied, keeping his back to her. “The panties help avoid chaffing your, um, sensitive bits as well as ensures, well, any bodily secretions won't dirty your clothes. These days they can also be used for, uh, well, more intimate moments. The bra is there to help support your breasts, making sure they, uh, don't jostle too much.”
“Breasts? These lumps on my chest?” Twilight asked as she slipped on the panties. “What are they for? I mean I get for feeding babies but they, uh, could be smaller.”
“Ah, think of it a visual cue to guys.” Kyle replied. “It says 'I'm fertile'. Some guys thing bigger is better, some prefer smaller. Most don't care, they just like'em.”
“I see, like the flank!” Twilight said, smiling as she slipped her arms into the shoulder straps. “Uuuhhh, how does this go on?” Kyle turned, relaxing now that her mammaries were covered.
“It clips in the back.” Kyle moves behind her, pulling the straps together, hooking them behind her. “Some are front clasps.”
“Oh, good.” Twilight smiled, turning to face him again. “I hope you're Aunt won't mind this... Think she'll be fine with someone else wearing her things?”
Kyle coughed into his hand, turning his head to the side. “Ah, well she's... not around to argue anymore.”
“What do you... oh... Oh!” Twilight stepped back in understanding. “Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry... I--”
“You couldn't know.” Kyle said, waving it off.
“... It's recent... isn't it...?” Twilight said, wrapping her new arms about his neck, feeling him tremble. “It's okay... It's okay.”
“Sorry, it's just...” Kyle gulped, his own arms coming around her waist. “I miss her...”
Twilight didn't speak, only rubbed his back, rocking him lightly. Within a minute he let off a few sobs.
Twilight Sparkle had a new friend. His name was Kyle West.
He was her friend. She would be there for him.
----
Once her friend had calmed down and helped her dress she asked for a quill and paper.
To her surprise, the quill was considered beyond outdated in favour of pens that contained their own ink.
Heavens, these humans had such novel things!
Thinking a moment she looked down at the paper before beginning to write.
x---x
Dear Princess Celestia.
As you must know by now my attempts at viewing other worlds has gone... awry, to put it mildly. Instead of viewing the world I wound up in it, with my magic transforming me into a local creature, known as a human. These humans are the only sentient species on this world, oddly enough. I'm not sure when I'll be able to send this message to you; maybe tomorrow, maybe a week, maybe a year. But I will keep writing until I find a way to send them to you.
Until then I intend to write reports on these humans, writing down my findings and views on them and their society. Hopefully by the time I can contact you I'll have learned much of human society. I will return to Equestria. I don't know when, but I will. I promise. Pinkie Pie promise even.
Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.
Signed Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle
x---x
Smiling she set the pen aside, slipping the paper into a folder that would soon collect her reports. Standing back up she went back to find her host.
She had reports to make.
----
Notes
I gave Kyle a large inheritance and a job at a massage parlor as an excuse for mildly flexible hours to spend time with and money on Twilight.
I have a list of subjects that Twilight will research, mostly focusing on humans themselves before moving onto other less direct subjects. That includes our diets.
Any suggestions for subjects that Twilight would like to report on would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading everyone. Please review!
For a sec there, I thought it said Kanye West
Before anyone begins with the PonyFall comparisons - we're having a hard enough time getting Twilight's story out, so I'm okay with this.
Anyway, a short critique:
You misspelled prologue in the chapter title, and there seems to be some weird formatting in some places as well. Mostly double (and even triple) spaces. Also, there's no need to capitalize the word 'she' after dialogue.
For example:
“You...you'll help?” She said, blinking back at him.
should be this:
“You... you'll help?” she asked, blinking back at him.
Other than those little issues, there's potential there. Yes, it looks very, very similar to PonyFall - but please, do continue.
lol interesting
I like it! Yet it felt slightly rushed.
I adore the idea, and I love the fact that she immediately accepted life on Earth rather quickly.
I see good things in the future! GOOD THINGS!
PLEASE DO MORE! i really likethis story! and plus you have my fav pony twilight!
do want
i wonder how she'll react to planes, trains and automobiles.
tracking.
DAT COVER IMAGE.
sauce plz?
1002811
I've never read Ponyfall before, so I wouldn't know how close the two stories are.
1003146
http://th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/190/d/a/fan_twilight_sparkle_by_mauroz-d56n0o5.png
MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT
MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT
I CANT WAIT TILL SHE LEARNS ABOUT EATING MEAT
GOOD STORY
Sorry if my English sounds osco but I am using the google translator.
Greetings from Peru.
It seems that little twilight has gotten into another adventure, and seems to have taken body XD, but seriously uhmmm, we see that the guy is cool and not do anything that bad ... for now (reminds me of a hentai I read and no, not the kind that only happens that-_-), in the end I think that should increase a little story that may seem quiet seen must think I should go home, so should be great to lose control a bit with respect to research, to show you the internet (and if we know well, do not stop until I see it all), a solution to the amusement park, zoo, water world and the things you have in the U.S., also the consequences of the internet when entering some pages, uhmmm the latest would be the procreation of new life, that lead to .... 0 / / / 0 (out of my head thoughts corrupt >. <), Eeeeeeeeeeen so good fic and I will be in expectation of the next issue
spanish
Disculpa si mi ingles suena osco pero estoy usando el google traductor.
Saludos desde Perú
Parece que la pequeña twilight se ha metido en otra aventura, y parece que ha sacado cuerpo XD, pero en serio uhmmm, se ve que el chico es buena onda que así no hará nada malo… por ahora (me recuerda a un hentai que leí, y no, no son de esos que solo pasa eso -_- ), en fin creo que debería aumentar un poco el trama visto que aunque parezca tranquila debe pensar que debe regresar a casa, que así seria genial debería perder el control un poco, respecto a la investigación, que le muestre el internet (y si la conocemos bien, no parara hasta que lo vea todo), una salida al parque de diversiones, zoológico, mundo acuático y las cosas que tengan en EE.UU., también las consecuencias del internet al entrar en algunas páginas, uhmmm lo ultimo seria la procreación de una nueva vida, eso llevaría a…. 0///0 (sal de mi cabeza pensamientos corruptos >.<), eeeeeeeeeeen fin buen fic y estaré en expectativa del siguiente numero
1004625
Yes, she will learn about that. Already on my list of things for her to talk about.
Have Twilight discover strategy games and a bunch of puzzle games both physical and video game. Also how about discovering origami and sculpture carving and stuff. To know the full extent of hands.
Awesome story btw.
Oh and maybe have Twilight learn to augment some technologies of humanity to work with magic in some way and maybe solve some technical problems that are present to the world. Like solar energy or wind turbines or something.
And I'm also guessing this is in America.
Shame.
ok i have read the types of fics before but i like them anyways but i'll go ahead and say it the dam cover image brought me here i admit it
i810.photobucket.com/albums/zz30/nerd_by_proxy/Moar.jpg What the kid says.
Lots of potential here.
Glad you didn't make Kyle some neck beard or a straight out hunk of a man. Slightly above average is a good choice.
Can't wait to read more.
Favorited.
nice description on the body! who did you use as reference?
great story so far, when can i expect moar? daily? weekly? monthly? yearly? never? whenever a chapter is done?
Great change of pace also......
meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat meat lol
when should we be expecting the next chapter?
you decided to pull off a pie? O.o
and also...fuck you picture..
nice story btw
Very good the picture you painted with your words is very detailed keep up the fantastic work
1007661
.... Meeep
you never answered me i feel unloved
This has potential.
I SHALL THE WATCHINGS.
1020413
...Ummm... **Offers a hug**
IF twilight heard of wikipedia she would never be heard of again.
1021596 shiff...shiff....thanks
...make her a carnivore... it would be awesomely ironic
Hahaha! Wonderful! I wonder what Twilight will learn here on earth? If theres one thing she NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT, it is this. Video Games. Ohh that moment will be. . . glorious. Keep on going mah man!
~With regards, the Current Student of the Second True Magic.
1002739 so did i but that could actually be quite a interesing idea for a fan fiction
1263669
That sounds familiar, I think someone might have already done it. I can't remember where I came across something like that though.
Suggested name for Twilight:
Lily Sparks
It's just... Natural, and it can actually still be considered a 'pony' name.
And so it shall be.
Five out of five moustaches.
Awesome a PiE that doesn't annoy me
This is an interesting first chapter. Aside from need of an edit run—there are some instances of homonym confusion, and typos a spell-check won't pick up [including a that/than switch]—I didn't have any real problems getting into it.
I have only one real problem.
You're conjoining two independent clauses through the use of a comma without coordinating conjunction between them—a grammatical no-no to be sure. While you have the option of adding and to fix that, you also have the option of substituting the offending comma—marked in red—with a semicolon ;.
In addition to being constructed awkwardly, the wording of the second sentence makes it vague which she is unsure of the purpose of: her vagina or her pubic hair; the very ordering implicates her vagina as the target of the modifier. As you can imagine, the vagueness of it gives some rather amusing implications. I get that you probably mean the pubic hair, but I felt that vagueness should be mentioned.
Perhaps it could be revised like so:
Enough of my thoughts, though. I've got more of this story to read.
1263669
Yo Twilight, I'ma let you finish, but Rainbow Dash is best pony of all time.
1007440 Equestria sounds like America, hence the name being used in MLP, sort of like Ponyville sounding like Townsville from The Powerpuff Girls (oh Faust, you troll... )
Interesting fic, my first PiE to read, am reading on.
I noticed a few mistakes, nothing worth correcting though. I am finding this incredibly interesting so far, I guess I shall read on.
"Part of her spell relied that High Flame the Wise's Theory of Inter-Dimensional Travel was correct "
That is missing something. I believe it could be
'Part of her spell relied on High Flame the Wise's Theory of Inter-Dimensal Travel being correct'
'Part of her spell replied on the presumption...'
Or several other varients. But as it stands, that sentence doesn't quite work. Which I understand. It's easy as a writer to miss a few words, I've done it often enough, since the author KNOWS what he/she means, and thus is more likely to miss things.
Good work so far.
Just read the prologue, and despite enjoying the topic, I'm finding it hard to continue reading.
It wasn't bad, but it could have been a lot better. It all felt too rushed. Especially the romantic aspects, as well as the exposition and conversations regarding his deceased aunt. You could have done a lot better if you had remembered 'Show, Don't Tell'. Like, we find out about his aunt as Twilight does, maybe she wonders who the woman is in photos around the house, or something. We do eventually see Twi find out about her, but by then we've already been told in boring backstory. Kyle's emotions flip far too quickly, and he's way too friendly with Twi, in a romantic way. It's just not handled well. Pace it out, all this stuff doesn't have to happen at a breakneck speed. If you want romance in this fic, it's better to plant a very small hint in the first chapter and then let it grow slowly.
I did like the use of keratin in fingernails as a substitute horn, that was a neat idea.
I know this was written months ago now, but I thought I'd leave critique anyway.
I feel that I'm gonna end up head over heels for this.
I won't mind.
Your aunt dis anin returen god gives you: enough money to live well without a good job for most of your life. A two story house with three bedrooms, a big game room and office. Both a blue Volkswagen Turbo convertible and a white minivan. And a naked girl in your swimming pool.
Ya I would say that's a fair trade.
Seriously people? Where's the 'Dis gun be good' gif, and the other two dislikes that always find the best stories?
Also:
Satisfied, Twilight
Well been meaning to poke this story for a while now, I am relieved that Twilight has some way to express her magic as not to fully strand her on earth... but it won't fad or anything will it? like that part of "The last unicorn" where the transformation to human is nearly complete?
Lyra: NO FAIR TWILIGHT! I WANT A PAIR!
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2012/204/3/9/lyra_angry_by_thechouken-d58bny7.png
1003804
fertile huh?
ponies get heat
human woman's get period
how do you ex plane she ain't gonna die when she sees blood dripping down there?
how do's a tampon work?
hehehe ow the humanity you must go trough, getting your hand all bloody and... and...
i'm jealous just look at the cover art, a mad man who would not help out a girl like that no matter what it is!!
new body?
i can think of a few tings that i would try on a get go!
eating meat without knowing?
inorance is a bliss
untill she finds it out on the internet!!
i would write something my self, and i have some good ideas
buti suck ad it!
that's why i like your story
why telling this?
i find it lacking in every other story
but this seems to get the whole picture
1725210
ow hush you!
you got yours!
or did it slip between your buttery fingers?
>>>She still missed her tail but loved her new appendages.
Hands.
Glorious, wonderful hands!>>>
Twilight's opinion is Lyra-approved.
th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/189/7/9/lyra___hands_at_last__by_kired25-d56j9i6.png
How does a flash of light sound, lol? (Lightning does it because of rapidly expanding air, yada yada, but then it's thunder, not lightning. A flash of light in and of itself causes no sound.
And I'll suggest things after I catch up. Don't want to suggest what you've already done or addressed! XD
1886395
The air is moved very quickly due to the body appearing out of nowhere. This is what creates the noise.