Discord smirked as he looked out on the landscape, the sheer beauty of it all. The ground was checkerboard, it rained chocolate milk and the occasional pie, and he has triumphed as he laughed. He was on top of the world. As he looked at a cotton candy cloud, he summoned a cup to pour some of the chocolate milk in. "Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing." he cheered as he looked at the landscape before another voice came into play.
"But not as wonderful as friendship!" Twilight said as she and the other five, uncorrupted mares were in play.
"Oh, this again." Discord said as he drank the glass and threw away the milk, causing an explosion behind him. "Don't any of you ever learn. Any of you?" Discord said as his expression grimaced. He did not have much time left.
"That's right, ya can't break up our friendship forever." Applejack said.
"Oh, don't lie to me, Applejack." the spirit of chaos said as he tapped into her element, his expression turning into a grin as he did. "I'm the one that made you a liar." Discord half-lied as he tugged her towards him, doing the same with the other four mares. He had to end this quickly. "Don't any of you realize the shocking, bitter truth about all this?"
“What truth is there, you little-”
“I won’t accept that language of your’s.” Discord scolded as they looked at him. He knew he didn’t have much time, but he had to do this because he is dying. “The shocking truth is that my power needs something else to contain it.” The draconequus was half-lying, he knew that his time is so short as the rainbow approached him. He didn’t want to die, but he would.
Quickly, he dodged the rainbow. Even in death, his magic would hang onto him. “Your puny Elements are nothing but poison, they destabilize me. You see, I’ve been too laid back, lately, and I left an opening.” Discord said as he dodged another rainbow. “How rude of you.” he said as he continued to walk away. He had to do this quick and painless, metaphorically speaking. He never thought he had to do this, ever. He was a little annoyed with this, but if he dies without a new host for his chaos, it will gradually destabilize and destroy everything.
You see, he knew his time was short, and he needed someone to take his place, but not just anyone, per se. The host had to have great magical potential, and their bodily nature would have to be compatible with the Elements. “I have one last bit of chaos ready for you.” the dying spirit said as he began to do one last spell, undoing all his work to maximize the amount of magic he had left as he lunged towards Twilight, who had an expression of shock in her face.
“And trust me, it’s gonna change your lives forever.” With that, he grabbed Twilight’s horn, and his eyes began to glow as his essence was being transferred to the poor unicorn, who felt her body warp and change as Discord's essence flowed through her veins before she blacked out. The last thing she saw was her friends looking at her in shock as they fell to the ground, Discord fading from existence as he laughed one last time.
Twilight woke up on what looked like black tile. There was something dense in there, it was white, and she can only see a few feet away from it. "Where, where am I?" she said as she looked around at the place. It felt eerie, and kind of scary as well. She tried to use her magic, but failed. Shrugging her arms, she began to walk in no particular direction, it felt like days, and she didn't stop, that is, until she heard someone speak.
"Well, it seems as if Discord has recently hit the bucket, huh @#^(&#." a voice said. She couldn't hear heads or tails of the name of the other person, who's name was covered up by static like that from a television (which didn't exist back in Equestria), and the voice was echoey and deep.
"One wannabe down is always a good thing, #%&$. Pretty soon, we will prevail." a second voice said. The voice was a lot higher in pitch, almost sounding like was squirrel would if it could talk, yet was still echoey. The two voices seemed to be coming from everywhere, yet they were also in fixed positions and no where at all, all at the same time.
"Yes, soon enough, we will make the descendants of _______ and ________ pay dearly. They had the very NERVE to put themselves above us gods." the first voice said before a third voice responded, one that spoke in an Australian accent and sounded more feminine. The names of the other two were censored, but instead, they were cut off entirely.
"They claim to be gods, but gods they are not, mate. And we, we are gods, the real deal." the voice said in anger. Twilight wanted to ask where she was, but for some reason, she knew she had to stay quiet.
"Ze time for our return is coming soon, my friends." a male-sounding voice that spoke in a German accent replied. "And once we do, those mortals vill pay for what zey did." Twilight backed away for no reason. She didn't know who these guys were or who they are after, but she's sure it won't be good at all. Pretty soon, she bumped into something. Twilight turned around to see four humanoid figures look right back at her.
"Hee hee. What if I told you that I woke up in the wrong dimension?" Twilight asked sheepishly as she ran away.
"What is she talking about, dimension and universe are not the same thing. Why does a massive amount of the multiverse get something as simple as that wrong?" the female voice said.
"Doesn't matter what they think. She's gonna wake up, soon, and she has never heard the full extent of our talk, anyway."
Twilight's eyes fluttered open as she groaned in pain. That, and she was annoyed by some constant beeping. She felt black and blue all over, and her vision was blurry. It took a few minutes for her vision to clear, and when it did, she looked around to see that she was in a hospital bed, and the beeping was from one of the machines there. "Guess that explained the constant beeping." Twilight said.
She was too groggy to bother using magic, and was still not bothered to get out of bed. Something strange sat upon on her back, something that wasn't there before, and she felt some parts of her body that were out of place or were no longer there. She didn't know what, however, and she began to hear a few people taking to one another. Twilight groggily got up out of bed, slamming face first onto the floor. "Is anyone in there?" she said before she got up on her feet and shook her head awake. She wasn't thinking about her magic, and instead grabbed the knob with her mouth, revealing the people at the side of the door to be none other than her friends, including Spike and the Princesses.
"Spike? Celestia? Where are we?" Twilight asked as she wobblily tried to get up onto her feet.
"Twilight? Is that you?" Spike said as he walked towards her. Twilight began to walk towards him, unsure of what to do.
"Yes, it's me. By the way, where are we?" Twilight asked as she looked around. "Are we in Canterlot Hospital?"
"Yes we are." Spike said before Celestia came into play.
"Celestia? What happened? I feel all wonky and a bit nauseated. Could you tell me what just happened?" Twilight asked.
"From what your friends told me, Discord had merged with you as one last attempt at chaos." Celestia explained. "Your body was warped by the excess magic, and we've been scanning it for days upon days to see if there were any side effects. Meanwhile, your friends were worried sick about what happened, and checked to see if their friends were okay as well. Thank goodness your body is healthy." Suddenly, Twilight remembered it all, the events of Discord, the game, and the rascal latched onto her horn and fused with her.
"I need a mirror!" the Element of Magic said as her assistant pulled out the nearest mirror he could find, and Twilight braced herself for anything that would have happened to her, anything at all. As Twilight looked at the mirror, she began to study the changes that Discord did to her. Fortunately, she still looked a lot like her old self, but there were some differences.
First off, her horn was gone. Instead, there were two horns, the right was that of a stag, the left of a goat. On her back were two wings, one of a bat, and the other belonging to a bird. In the place of her old tail, there was a red, draconic tail that ended with a tuft of dark blue hair with her signature purple and pink strips. In the place of her usual equine teeth were a full set of fangs, and one of her eyes was not hers, but looked more that of Discord's. Twilight was speechless on how she was appearing, and turned to talk to look at the experssions of her friends.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash had a look in their eyes that they were convinced that she wasn't the same. Fluttershy and Spike looked worried sick about her when she entered. As for the rest, they were kind of shocked that she was still her.
"We weren't sure if it was going to be you, Discord, or something else when you woke. But it looks like you're still the same old Twilight." Spike said as he hugged her. "You've been out for a whole week by solid by now, and everyone was worried sick about you, notably your parents and whatnot."
"And I have missed you, too. I was scared about how you'd react. Before I woke up, I had this really crazy dream. I never thought that being in a coma would give you some strange dreams." Twilight said. Normally, she would scramble all over the place and take notes onto why she was like this, but why did she feel so calm about it? She didn't feel evil, and she didn't have any desires to conquer anything, but what exactly did Discord do to her, anyway? "I'm not sure what he did to me, and I'm not confident in myself. Do you think we can use the-" Twilight said before pausing. She wouldn't know what the Elements would do to her in this state. "Nevermind…"
"Don't worry, Twilight. I can see that's still you. We're on your side." Spike said.
"Then I guess it's time for a party! Equestria's saved, and the meanie's demolished!" Pinkie said as she pulled out some shades. "Let's do this."
"Wait, Pinkie!" Celestia said. "We must be cautious with her. We are not sure how everypony would react to her new appearance alone."
"Hehehehe… sorry!" Pinkie Pie said, smiling sheepishly as she put the sunglasses back where they came from.
Edited it.
9048127
Now remove the unedited chapter.
Looks better. Though it could still use some work. I also have autism so I understand what it's like, I found that just practicing helps a lot. Then again I've been practicing writing for four years now so it may take some time.
Great work, keep it up
muuuuch better, id say its abot 20 percent cooler the scene with discord makes more sense [as much as anything involving him ever does] the adition of the between scene is nice, theres some gramer errors here and there but those can be ignored once again this is a very cool idea and id love to see where it goes
its better
9048235
It's funny you mention gramer, sorry, grammar.
huh neat
9048149
What do you mean?
9048301
The edited chapter is the same as the chapter you first uploaded, just expanded, correct?
So why do you need the original in the chapter list if you also posted the edited one?
Me: Looks at the large amount of critical review on the story. Then looks at the fact the story is number 1 in the featured box. Then looks at the fact the story is on hiatus.
"How?!"
Wow, the improvement is strong in this one.
Nice. This one is a lot better. There's a reason to continue reading, (the mysterious figures), and it was a bit less exposition-y.
Now the part that comes with experience - knowing what to tell explicitly and what to imply. (To be fair, it took a lot for me to study this concept. As someone who used to have severe autism, nothing was automatic for me.)
Just an example - when Twilight heard the beeping, and she woke up in the hospital, people can assume that the beeping came from the machines there. Unless you want to describe particular machines, just leave the confirmation part out.
I'm not saying you should edit the chapter again or something. This is just for the future, to be a better author.
(Oh, and when you uploaded the edited chapter, you didn't delete the old one, just to let you know.)
Interesting so far, but I think you would have been better to just reedit the fist chapter and post a blog about it. Can't wait to see what will happen next.
Dear author, you'll probably want to refrain from posting two versions of the same chapter again, even if the second one is edited and improved. It's generally frowned upon by moderators because it bumps your story up onto Fimfiction's front page update section without actually providing readers with new content.
Besides, once you get down to deleting one of the duplicates, you will also end up deleting all the comments associated with that chapter.
9048320
You should read this comment:
9048367
Interesting story idea, can't wait to see where it goes
Hmm it's better then before I suppose , have a like for craps and Pringles.
I LOVE PRINGLES!
Hmm, what an interesting idea! I'll definitely be following this story on the journey it takes going forward! Though I think I should voice one complaint I have... After Twilight wakes up you keep writing about her feet. Ponies do not have feet... They have hooves... Though, if I'm being honest I also think that's a minor issue that doesn't really need to be fixed, since the point you were making still gets across easily. But as I said I will be following this story as it continues. So I will see you later!
9048367
Done and done.
9048277
thats a spelling error not a gramatical error though there are plenty of those in my post too, thing is im not writeing a story im just makeing a comment, writeing never was my strong point i'm prone to run on sentences and faulty use of punctuation among many other things
Anybody have any ideas?
9049332
Well, knowing is half the battle.
memeguy.com/photos/images/knowing-is-half-the-battle-147756.png
Eagerly awaiting the next chapter
9050550
Of What?
9058953
For the story, silly.
9058954
No, I was asking what type of things? Story Related, Background, Adventures?
9058989
All three.
9059036
Hmm...
9059036
What exactly are you having trouble with?
9050550
I have some:
-classic idea, interactions betwenn the elements and the now-chaotic nature of twilight's magic. I don't know, Twilight become sick, and die slowy of her inner conflict, or the elements reject her, or the two magics merge together and make something new (up to you)
-bullshit idea, now that the spirit of chaos is dead, the spirit of order and unity rise and begin his tyranny. Armed with both harmony and chaos, twilight and her friends will have to deal with it (up to you)
-comedy, just retold the episodes, but with a chaotic and absolutely not-in-controlled twilight. Complicated, you will have to make subtle joke, well-targeted puns and 4th wall-break (but not too much, and not only twilight-talking-to-invisible-people), or the audience will get tired or sicked of this jokes.
9050550
i think the two magics merge together and make something new but wile the two magics are merging with each other twilight gets a bit sick and wile thats happening twilight gets a visit of whats left of discord and gets dream lessons from him and at the end of it twilight gets all of discords memories and learns of what really happened between them a millennium ago
9062391
Comedy : Now i want to see Lesson Zero with Twicord fusion.